Almost 2 years later and still having a tough time

[Junebug19]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I didn't really know who to talk to, so I thought I'd just go on the web and express my emotions here.

I'm currently in my second year of college, and my father passed away on 7/30/15. He died a month before I was due to enter college for the first time, so my entry into college was much more difficult than expected. Even though it's been almost more than a year since I lost him, I'm still having this huge hole in my heart. I haven't been able to concentrate on my classes as well as I used to because my dad's been heavily on my mind and I haven't had much motivation. That slowly led to a decrease in my GPA, which is also contributing to my stress. I keep on thinking about how life would be so different if he were still here, and I have so many regrets because he waited his whole life to see me go into college but he never got the chance to. Because I'm the only child and my mother works full time, I always have to come home to an empty house after classes with no one to talk to about my day. When my dad was still here, I would come home from school every day and tell him how my day went. I feel like the more days that go by, the more that I have to accept that my dad is never coming back. I still wish everything was just a dream because I miss having a father figure in my life. Since my dad's passing, I've made so many stupid mistakes and I had even let my mom down a few times before. I feel so bad and ashamed because I'm supposed to remain strong for my mom, but yet I've done many stupid things and my ways of coping aren't the best. This July will mark 2 years since I lost my dad, but the wounds still feel so fresh and new. I've read that normally things will feel better after the first year, but I'm personally still having a tough time. He will never get to see me graduate from college, he will never get to walk me down the aisle, and he will never get to see his future grandchildren. I've been feeling so alone and I'm just still in a big state of grief.

[reader]

Dear Junebug,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know its hard. I'm glad you are here and sharing your story and emotions with us. I can identify with so much of what you are writing about. I think losing a beloved parent is one of the hardest things in life to go through. I still can't comprehend that my dad is gone. Its only been four months for me and its been a struggle.

I think grief in some ways is a journey that never ends. From reading other people's experiences it sounds like there will always be a hole in our hearts. But hopefully there will be one day when we think about our fathers instead of tears there will eventually be a smile. I can only hope so.

Try to be kind and gentle with yourself. Take each day as it comes and do the best you can for yourself. Thinking of you.

[Dgiirl]

Hi Junebug

I am sorry for your loss.  University is already a stressful stage in life and it must be compounded by your loss.  It sounds like you are trying to do everything you are supposed to so all you can do is your best.  

Talking with my own friends who have lost their parents, some have found the 2nd year to be even harder than the first.  The first year they were kept busy by all the logistics and preparing themselves for all the firsts without their parent, but the 2nd year is when it hit them even harder that indeed their parent are not coming back

I don't have any words of wisdom except we must continue living so we honor their loving memory.  They would want us to.  

As for making mistakes and doing dumb things, I think this is normal.  As long as it's nothing too serious, then be kind and understanding to yourself and try and learn from them and move on.  If it puts you in any risk, then definitely reach out for support. Try and think what your father would advise you and honor his wishes as much as you can.  But remember, we are only human and we all make mistakes.  It's what we do after we make those mistakes that define our character.  Learn from them and make something positive from those mistakes