Auto Pilot

[Numb and Lost]

 I'm healthy and I'm alive, but it's as if I'm not here. I feel like my tired and devastated soul is encased in a young energetic body that is set on auto pilot just moving through the motions. I go to work, care for my children, clean my house, fulfill all my responsibilites (most of the time, some days like today I lay here) but there is no emotion in it. I'm just here waiting until the end that is how I feel. I am waiting for the day I don't have to feel this pain and confusion any longer. I am expressionless and numb until the moments that I recall the joy that knowing him brought me, only to be interrupted by the devastation caused by his death that encompasses me now. I break down and know nothing but pain and despair. I liked the former version of myself, the one that was endeared to life. I loved life and found joy in everything. I have always been more full of emotion than any person I've known. I have always embraced every detail of life. Now I don't know that person anymore and I am certain I won't know her again. I know that even if I learn to continue living as I must, while carrying this grief, that I am forever changed and no longer the same as I was. My life remains blessed in many areas, and for that I'm thankful. The fact remains that I can't appreciate life the way I did before. I don't know how to be that person I was before. She has been left in my shadow. I've learned to put on a facade. I give presentations at work with a false smile plastered on my face while I feel like I'm dying inside. I chat with friends while knowing I am uninterested in anything we speak of. I must do this because I know they don't care. They don't care, and they don't understand. At first they were concerned, but now they dont want to hear it or try to understand. If they can't even attempt to comprehend my pain it's because not only have they never lost anyone, but they have never truly loved anyone. I am focused on a day I might see him again, and I can see that they feel that is irrational and even mentally unstable. I've stopped speaking of it at all to them as they don't understand. I have come to accept that I don't need them to understand. At my worst moments I truly do not feel that I can continue living, but at the same time I know it isn't a choice. So I continue on, with my body set in an auto navigation mode. I try to hide my agony and make my children's lives as happy as possible. The worst moments are alone in my car. They are my worst breaking points. Sometimes I sit outside and I listen to the birds chirping and I feel the wind and see the trees swaying in it. I just have this overwhelming feeling of melancholy even when it's beautiful. Everything just looks and feels so differently as it once did. My heart is so confused. 

[Zara19]

Hello Numb and Lost

This is weird as just 30 minutes ago I was thinking that I hadn't heard anything about you recently and that meant you must have been feeling more settled about things and feeling "better" if that's the right phrase to use.  I'm sorry this isn't the case.  You don't seem as panic-stricken but you sound incredibly sad and broken.  You have written as I too feel and I am so sorry for us.  Take care.

[Zara19]

Hello Numb and Lost again 

I have just noticed some of your previous recent posts on other threads, you are still suffering quite badly. So sorry to read of your distress.  

 

 

 

[Numb and Lost]

1 hour ago, Zara19 said:

Hello Numb and Lost again 

I have just noticed some of your previous recent posts on other threads, you are still suffering quite badly. So sorry to read of your distress.  

 

 

 

Thank you. Even though I am able to function a little better I don't think I'll ever stop hurting. You are right about the panic though. It's a little better. I still have anxiety attacks some but mostly I'm just depressed. Today I have just been in the bed all day. It's a pretty day outside but now it's 5:22 and I'm still here, haven't done a thing. I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm sorry you are hurting too. I wish we could just see them again now and our pain be erased.