AlexMegan

Beloved wife passed on at end of December 2016

32 posts in this topic

This isn't weird at all.. 

Randomly typing words on the internet, to try an express a deeply personal, life-altering event..   That of the passing of my beloved wife Megan on 22December 2016... YEH, right before Christmas.

 

She was 38, and died of a brain aneurysm.

Died, odd to say huh..  I prefer passed on... I prefer ,"gone on a journey and waiting for me to join her". Is that avoiding/dodging reality? Not being able to accept her passing on? My "good citizen societal robot pc talk" character playing with words? 

 

Right now i don't care about what "sounds right"... About "being obtuse or vague"... I just wanna write, share..  Feel SOME CONNECTION.. That I'm not alone in this. That there are indeed people... Out there, that GET me.. Where I am right now..  This immense loneliness.. Void of emptiness.. 

But we must proceed, with LIFE... with living... For in that, we find some solace.. In keeping busy...occupied..anything, to avoid memories... For, we all know, tears then soon follow... So let it!!!!!! This is HARD!!! 

AND I DON'T CARE HOW IT SEEMS..  I SEEM

 

I MISS YOU MY DOVE...  AND LOVE YOU ETERNALLY

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AlexMegan,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My beloved girlfriend also died of a brain aneurysm, at the age of only 22, only a little over a month ago. The sudden death is excruciating, you don't get any time to prepare, to even consider the feelings or emotions, and suddenly you're right in the middle of it and have no choice but to live the nightmare. Brain aneurysms are evil, their symptoms are so "common" that it's so easy to not know you have one. My girlfriend was having headaches and nausea, but she assumed it was a light flu or just high stress from our job and her family causing some issues in her life. Even she had no idea she was about to die. She was a very happy girl, full of life and spirit, loving every second of her life as best she could. She passed out while she was on a trip with her family, and never woke up. She was planning to see me that very next weekend, and instead she left this world forever.

You have definitely found a great place to write and share and feel connection. All of us here have experienced the loss of our close loved ones, some of us have experienced sudden death and all of its anguish and agony. It definitely is hard. 

I personally do believe in an afterlife, and I do believe that my girl is out there waiting for me. I do believe that she's on the other side, waiting for me to join her someday. During our 6 years of time together, we did have some times where we had to be apart. I always knew she was coming back though, that thought always brought me comfort. I knew that I would see her again soon. But now, I have to face that I will never, ever again see her in this lifetime. As long as I walk this earth, she will be away, just out of reach, out of contact, unable to share this beautiful life with me. But no, I don't think you're doing anything wrong to think of it the way you do. I certainly hope with everything i am that there is more to life than our Earthly existence, that I will be reunited with my love someday. 

Life does go on, but we need to grieve. We need to feel the pain of grief. It's hard, nobody wants to have to do it, but we're here, we don't have much choice. If we try to avoid grief, if we try too hard to push it aside and just go on with life, it will catch up to us. It will come out in unhealthy ways. Please know that being sad, crying, taking days off from work, feeling the anguish and pain, are all healthy. We need to do those things to grieve.  Trust me, I would give anything, anything to have my girl back. Any pain would be preferable to this pain. I still have not been able to accept that she passed on, I still sometimes am living back in the time when she was alive, happy, smiling and making my life amazing. Each time I take another step towards "acceptance" or fully acknowledging her loss, it hurts. It hurts terrible. I take time off of work, I sometimes spend a day just laying around, reading this board, reading grief books, listening to soft music, just anything to avoid life. 

Someday, I hope I will find a new normal. But that day is not today. That day is a ways off for me. I am still young myself, far too young to decide i'll never be in another relationship, but I know that for a long time I'll be alone in this world, missing my love. 

Please keep posting and talking. we're all here for you. Don't forget the love you shared with your Megan. People say that someday, you'll remember the memories with a smile and fondness rather than pain and agony. I'm waiting for that day. But until then I will continue to live in agony, wishing that this was not my reality. 

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Thank you Fzald for taking the time to respond..and for your comforting words.

 Man, you are speaking to ME, as if I could be writing what you just wrote....the way you describe the symptoms, the unexpectedness, the moments of life shared... all I have lived.

 

And now WOOPS ... GONE!!!

No more planning trips together, sharing meals together, lazing on the beach together, laughing together at odd-ball sketch comedy shows, or watching obscure Scandinavian or Korean movies/series together. And soooo much more... together. 

Now nothing holds any meaning, one becomes extremely cynical of people, of life.. what was previously so vital and important now.seems insignificant... all because one cannot SHARE it... with her... just her.

I don't know if this is some kind of "attention seeking".. this sharing with total strangers... but then again, I don't think we are strangers... for having gone, and are going through creates a bond which even closest family member or life-long friends can provide.

This "loss of a spouse/partner" is IMMENSE... and only those who have personally felt it... lived it.. understand it.

 

I immerse myself in music, in art, in reading classic writers and poems... finding specks of commonality and understanding and camaraderie here and there...

We plod forward... in accceptance of a greater will and purpose.

Logic now is vacuous, redundant.. cos nothing "makes sense".

One merely lives, in Faith.. and Submission... to that something which is Bigger than us.  

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AlexMegan,

It's not "attention-seeking" that you reach out for help. It's an absolutely vital part of the healing process, if you can call it "Healing". You loved your Megan, and through that love you created a bond, a human attachment that transcends the human experience. Your physical closeness to her is but a mortal representation of the immortal, spiritual love you share with her. When a person's body decides to give up and quit, we don't feel loss because their body is gone. We feel it because we have lost the connection to their spirit, to their essence and their being. I believe that our bodies are just representations of our spirits here in this mortal world, but it's also the only way we can easily connect and mix with others in this place. 

The feelings you describe are exactly what I have felt. There is still a life to live here, I know that logically. But it feels pointless.  Knowing I will never be able to ever share it with her again in this place, knowing that I will be forever without her and the love and connection we shared in this world. It takes all of the fun, all of the meaning out of life. To me, the meaning of life truly is to love, to share the experiences of this world with others. When that is taken from us, the core meaning of life seems to fall away with it.

You're also right on - nobody can truly understand the intensity of our grief, unless they themselves have lost a partner, in particular suddenly and at a young age. Family and friends hate seeing us in pain, they want to make it all better and sadly, loss of someone to death is the one thing that nobody in this world can fix, no matter how much they may want to. I could easily gather 30 or more people who all would do anything to bring my girlfriend back to me, but it doesn't matter. It wouldn't matter if every single human being on this planet wanted that. Death carries with it the sharp knife of finality, there's no way to go back. 

Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right. People say it's "normal". Maybe it is normal to feel these things when you grieve, but it's certainly not something anyone should have to feel. It's not fair. It's never fair when someone dies young, someone who is a good person, happy, loving their life, doing nothing but good for the world. That was my girl. She loved her life so much. She went out of her way every day to make someone's day better, not just me but even total strangers. She always smiled and laughed. Everyone tells me that she was such a positive force, just her coming in the room could bring a smile to anyone's face. And I was so privileged to call her my girl. She chose me, and I could never have asked for someone better than her. She represented all I ever could have wanted in love and in life. She was my "perfect" soulmate. 

Keep posting here and telling us how you're doing. It's going to be hard, I won't lie, I know because it's hard for me. It's been a mere 6 weeks since i saw her alive. But it feels like it's been an eternity. I have died a thousand times in the past 6 weeks and yet I am still alive somehow, somehow still physically clinging to this body which I would have expected would have given up by now. But I'm still here, even though sometimes I don't want to be. I guess my only choice is to go forward as best i can, and to make sure that I never forget the love we shared, the love we actually do still share, even though she can't be here with me physically anymore. 

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AlexMegan,

Gone on a journey and waiting for me to join her sounds perfect.  It is exactly how I feel.  It so odd too because I always waited on her, not the other way around.

My wife passed on December 25th at the age of 49 according to the police report and death certificate.  She actually went late in the evening on the 24th, but getting the paramedics there, and the mortician, took time, so officially it is the 25th.  She went suddenly as well, from a massive heart attack.  She had multiple medical conditions, but nothing that should have taken her right now, or nearly as quickly as it did.

The stunned shock of the next few days was awful.  The family and friends gathering, which was wonderful and helpful, but all too surreal.  The Christmas tree glowing in the background, mocking us with cheerful lights that never got to fulfill their true purpose.  My daughter still can't bear to take the tree down, so it stands there in the living room, a constant reminder of the day.  The presents, lovingly wrapped, with no one left to receive them.  When we did open the gifts, we each opened the ones we gave to her, and then passed them to whoever we thought would enjoy them most, because there was nothing else to do with them.  Even the ideas of our gifts were lost, drifting into the nothingness that had engulfed every aspect of our lives.

The people here know your pain, we are so sorry you had to join us, but glad you have found this outlet.  Grief is a horrible journey, and one that we cannot avoid no matter how we try.  I am so sorry for your loss, though I know those words are tired and offer no help.  We are here for you, listening, and offering whatever comfort and peace we can provide,

Herc

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Herc,

That had to be horribly painful, opening the gifts you'd all gotten for her. I can imagine tears flowing each time you would think about how much she would have liked something someone got for her.

I had gotten my girlfriend something small around Christmas but due to circumstances in our lives at the time I told her that I owed her a larger gift. I knew exactly what it was I was going to get her. I was going to order it the week she was gone and give it to her the next week when I saw her. Maybe "late" but we didn't care. I never ordered it because I learned of her being ill, and I put it on hold, promising myself to order it when I heard of her recovery and when she would be coming home. That would never happen. 

Sometimes I still feel guilty about this.  But even if I had gotten it for her a little before then, she would not have been around long to enjoy it. 

It's still surreal for me, the knowledge that we were spending time together so bilssfully unaware of what was about to befall us. Both her and i totally expected to have so much more time. She left, and I got left behind. I still sometimes wish it had been me, rather than her, who left this world...

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fzald,

It was indescribably rough.  We waited a few days, but we could have waited a lifetime and it wouldn't have made it an easier.  There was one gift left from her for my stepdaughter that was still wrapped.  My stepdaughter couldn't bear to open them all because she looked too far forward and realized she would never again get a present from her mother.  A well meaning friend unwrapped it a few weeks into it, thinking she was helping.  Fortunately my daughter never saw what it was, and I got it out of the house.  I've wrapped it back up for her, to give her at a later time, but still haven't been able to write the card, "From Mom".

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Herc, that sounds so painful, I'm sorry.

My girlfriend loved giving. As I've said many times she absolutely loved to make other people's day. She told me that her favorite part of Christmas was picking out gifts for others and seeing their reactions. Over the Christmas holiday there was an issue with payments at work, so she sadly didn't have enough funds to get me the gift she wanted. She actually cried over this. I remember telling her that it's OK and that even if she had to give me the gift later I'd still love it just as much. She still said she felt so horrible. This is actually the reason I delayed my gift, because I didn't want to make her feel worse. 

I never would find out what her gift was. She, like me, wanted to get it after she got back from her trip, because the payments were resolved and she was getting a double check with extra interest. 

But the point is, she loved giving more than getting. Her favorite part of giving was seeing the happiness other people experienced because of her gift. She was a true kind spirit, the kind of people this world needs more of, not fewer of. 

I still find myself shaking my head at the complete indifference of the world. Here, my girl was seriously one of the nicest, most caring, generous, loving, sweet, selfless people you could meet. If the world had more people like her it would be beautiful. But I did have her. And in the end the indifferent universe took her from me, not just from me though, but from the world. 

I died a lot when she died, but so did the world. The entire world lost a pure, kind, good soul, even if most people will never know it. The world is a little darker in her absence. 

That is the saddest part of all.

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15 minutes ago, fzald said:

Herc, that sounds so painful, I'm sorry.

My girlfriend loved giving. As I've said many times she absolutely loved to make other people's day. She told me that her favorite part of Christmas was picking out gifts for others and seeing their reactions. Over the Christmas holiday there was an issue with payments at work, so she sadly didn't have enough funds to get me the gift she wanted. She actually cried over this. I remember telling her that it's OK and that even if she had to give me the gift later I'd still love it just as much. She still said she felt so horrible. This is actually the reason I delayed my gift, because I didn't want to make her feel worse. 

I never would find out what her gift was. She, like me, wanted to get it after she got back from her trip, because the payments were resolved and she was getting a double check with extra interest. 

But the point is, she loved giving more than getting. Her favorite part of giving was seeing the happiness other people experienced because of her gift. She was a true kind spirit, the kind of people this world needs more of, not fewer of. 

I still find myself shaking my head at the complete indifference of the world. Here, my girl was seriously one of the nicest, most caring, generous, loving, sweet, selfless people you could meet. If the world had more people like her it would be beautiful. But I did have her. And in the end the indifferent universe took her from me, not just from me though, but from the world. 

I died a lot when she died, but so did the world. The entire world lost a pure, kind, good soul, even if most people will never know it. The world is a little darker in her absence. 

That is the saddest part of all.

fzald,

Our girls had a lot in common.  Christine also loved giving gifts far more than receiving them.  She spent her last day wrapping the presents, which she loved.  We actually had a fantastic last week.  For the only time since 1991, I took the week before Christmas off.  I don't know what made me do it this year, just luck.  She was working from home, so we got to spend most of the week together.  Our daughter graduated from college on Wednesday the 21st, Christine told me within the first week of our starting dating that she hoped she would live long enough to see her daughter graduate, so she made it by about three days.

Christine didn't have money to get me gifts this year either, so I got myself a pair of 3-D goggles for her to give to me. She wrapped them up, I have only used them once so far.  I can't tell you how much I wish I had a 3-D picture of her I could look at her with them.

You're right, the world is an indifferent place.  That's one of the reasons I am passionate about continuing to grow and evolve as a person the way Christine and your girl would want.  The world is darker without them, but we have the opportunity to make it a little better, an inch at a time.  I can't be her, for my daughter, or for the world.  But I can be a little more like her than I was before, and that helps us all, even selfishly myself.  Wishing you comfort, and more of the peace that it looks like you are finding,

Herc

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Herc,

I noticed too how our last couple of weeks seemed to be particularly great together. My girl wanted to eat at a place in town that's particularly pricey. I usually was a little stingy about it because of the cost, but the last time we ate out at a restaurant together would be the time I "relented" and took her there. For some reason a feeling had come over me. A feeling that I can only put in words like this: "life is short, I can afford it, I love her...why not go! There's plenty of time to be stingy." 

I am so glad I did take her. It made one of our last great experiences together worth it. 

I truly and firmly believe in premonitions now. There are so many things I did "differently" in the last month she was alive that I cant explain. Just because I felt like it. That and the fact that I actually basically foresaw her death. 

Its so true. It teaches you to value the time you have. The only thing is, I wanted to enjoy that time with her. If she had survived, I know, I knew the night I learned of her condition, that I would value every second I had with her. I was never given any more seconds to value. I can only value the ones I had now. The ones I had without the horrible knowledge that she was dying.

I wish I could find peace. I am slowly being able to distract myself a bit more, to do things that have to be done. But I am far, far far from OK. I am far from finding any true peace. I am far from being happy. Sometimes I laugh when I remember something about her. But it seems that every positive feeling I have is balanced by an equally or more negative feeling of sadness and loss.

i went one workday without expecting her, praying that she would walk into work. One workday without fantasizing constantly that she's not actually gone. I suppose that's an accomplishment in itself...

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AlexMegan

I feel your pain and know the heartache you are going through and I really wish there were words to take away some of your pain and suffering, but sometimes no amount of words are sufficient.  I too lost the love my life of almost 44 years on December 6, 2016 - that day I also died, they just forgot to bury me.  Many nights I still feel like I'm a dead person walking.  I like your analogy "gone on a journey......"  Know that's exactly what she did.  She's on a journey home - Heaven bound.  She just went a little ahead of you.  It is apparent the love you had for her and still do; know that the love stays inside of you always, it never goes away.  It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.   Pain hurts the most when the story is not finished.  It's crazy to think that someone who made up a huge part of your life can be gone in a second.   She was so young and a lifetime to live; try to remember, it is not the years in ones life that count; it's the life in ones years.  I get it; it hurts like hell; actually it is a living hell you are going through.  

What hurt you today, makes you stronger tomorrow.  Whenever you feel like letting go and you just can't take it anymore, remember that God didn't bring you this far to leave you alone.  HE knows your name and knows your every thought; HE sees each tear that falls and HE hears you when you call. 

3 hours ago, AlexMegan said:

But we must proceed, with LIFE... with living... For in that, we find some solace.. In keeping busy...occupied..anything, to avoid memories... For, we all know, tears then soon follow... So let it!!!!!! This is HARD!!! 

You are correct - we must proceed with life.  When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.   Remember life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.  There's nothing wrong in having a good cry; it actually washes out our hearts; if we keep our sorrows buried inside of us, it will undoubtedly tear us apart.

I hope you continue to post; there are some amazing people on this website willing to share their stories as well as offering their comfort and support.  I pray that God will strengthen you at this most difficult time.

 

 

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AlexMegan,

No matter how your phrase it, it's the hardest thing in the world to experience, to lose the one that was life and more to you.  I'm so sorry.  This is indeed the place where others "get it", where one can just be, and be understood.  This is an ongoing journey, one that takes a long while to process, ever changing and evolving, yet constant in the missing them.  One can try to appear stoic at work, distracted for a few hours, trying to get through the day, yet fall apart on the way home...or not even make it through the workday...trying to adjust to the changes it means for you, for your life.  We've all carried that sadness inside of us, wondered at our purpose, how can we do this...

One day at a time, just make it through today, repel thoughts of tomorrow and just get through NOW.  Eat something healthy, drink some water, get some exercise, remember to breathe.  This is important for you, when you least feel like it.

It helps to voice yourself here, to know you're heard and understood.  It gives validation to what you already know inside your heart.  I'm glad you've found your way here, I hope it helps you as it has us.

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AlexMegan----I like your phrase also---*gone on a journey and waiting for me to join her*. It is the easiest and perhaps the truest way to think of our loss. My husband's spirit had to leave for his own journey, he's waiting for me to join him when it is my time to do so.

We are left behind to travel this journey of grieving on our own too.

I am sorry for the loss of your Megan. I am sorry for your pain. It feels like a bomb went off in us internally and there is no easy way to put the pieces back together.Our beloveds completed us and we'll never be whole again. Not in this lifetime.

We may be faceless strangers here, but our commonality is grieving. There is no right or wrong way through it. We can cry, vent, share and hang onto each other here. No judging or criticizing. It is our life line here, when no one else in our immediate life understands, because they have not experienced this kind of loss and excruciating pain.

Peace and comfort to you, Alex.

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Thank you all.. KMB, KayC, Francine, Herc, fzald.... I am reading all your words, absorbing them.... noticing our "common language".... how we share this particular human experience...it is oddly... comforting.

 

It's important for me to name you all, even just by screen-name... you see, that is what I have learnt recently, to just be kinder... in all aspects of life now... to respect and recognise people more.. to just try and ease someone elses day...and although I'm being extremely selfish at the moment, in that I am receiving comfort, but not giving much to everyone else in this forum... at least not yet... I shall, in due course... its only fair....

Yes, this experience has made me... kinder... gentler... it has thought me to appreciate the little things which we had previously just overlooked or taken for granted... clouds floating up above, a new bloom in the garden... a snail trailing along... the stars as they shine in the night sky... little kids laughter.... life really is beautiful... if we choose to see it.

It really is all about.... perspective.

Not to ever forget our dear departed partners, for we never will..but to honour them... by honouring... LIFE... WE ARE HERE... WE ARE BLESSED... and we are in communion. ... 

Thank you all

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AlexMegan, I won't try to convey my condolences, as I know words feel pretty empty to me right now, but know you have found a place where we understand. Ups, downs, feelings from the fleeting moments of happiness the memories bring, to the endless hours of sorrow at the same, and everything in between. We're all sailing the same course. Those who have sailed it longer will say calmer waters lay ahead...I'm 3.5 months in and hoping for those myself. Mostly I feel numb, this enormous void in everything where my beloved hero was, and now he's gone.

This place is a godsend for me, and I hope it is for you too. We are not alone, and that helps. Thank you for posting...your words are read and I'm sure they comfort more people than you imagine. Please keep posting, and take gentle care of yourself. 

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AlexMegan,

You aren't being selfish at all.  You are giving far more than you know.  All parts of this forum are needed, from posting messages of comfort, to relaying the inequities of life, even the silent lurkers who just read the words yet understand.  Do what you need to on your journey, the rest will work out as it is meant to.  Wishing you pleasant memories, and comfort in sharing with others,

Eric

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3 hours ago, AlexMegan said:

Yes, this experience has made me... kinder... gentler... it has thought me to appreciate the little things which we had previously just overlooked or taken for granted... clouds floating up above, a new bloom in the garden... a snail trailing along... the stars as they shine in the night sky... little kids laughter.... life really is beautiful... if we choose to see it.

It really is all about.... perspective.

Not to ever forget our dear departed partners, for we never will..but to honour them... by honouring... LIFE... WE ARE HERE... WE ARE BLESSED... and we are in

I'm glad for you and I hope we all get it.  I think we all sometimes overlook and take  the 'little' things in our lives for granted not knowing they eventually turn out to be the 'big' things.  Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.  The happiest people don't necessarily have the best things, they simply appreciate the things they have.  In the long run, I think we will mostly be remembered for our kindness than any level of success we can possibly attain; everyone we meet is fighting a battle we know nothing about. 

Stay strong and God Bless you, God Bless us all!

 

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The little things are also the easiest to miss and yearn for. As much as I wish I could still have the future with my girlfriend I had planned, even more so I just wish I could have the everyday back. Our daily routine. The text from her saying good morning. Getting lunch together. Sitting at work on break laughing and talking. The hug at the end of the day. The giggles and laughter and inside jokes. The smiles, oh the smiles and happiness. The little favors, her getting me water from the fountain or me grabbing her a snack at the snack bar. The endless text conversations when we couldn't be together. The trust she put in me and I put in her. I would give anything just to have it back the way it was even if that would be all we world ever have. 

The pain is more immense for me today than it has been since she died. I am physically weak. I am physically tired. I laid in bed today until 12 and only got up because I had to use the bathroom. It is only 8 now and I am ready to pass out and go to sleep again. Sleep is becoming restless though because I am dreaming of her, such vivid and intense dreams of her still being alive and still being here in my life. Where once I begged for dreams of her, I now find I go to bed in fear of what agony I will face the next morning. The anguish is simply unbearable. I am back to wishing to die in my sleep every night. I have absolutely no joy, no happiness, nothing to offer right now. I am a walking ball of sadness and pain. I feel worthless and useless to the world now. I have nothing to give right now but I am still taking up space and oxygen and resources. My girlfriend was the fuel for my fire. I exist now only as an empty soul, a useless lump. I pray silently to just be taken away, save me from the pain, let me go be with my love forever. 

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fzald....I hear you man. I feeeel you.

I too have had, still have those days. And these are the thoughts which got me through them: 

- if we take our own life, or wish for it to end prematurely, we go to a "different place" to where our loved ones are (Hence, nevvvvvvver being able to be together again!!!!)

- think of your beloved, and how she lived life... with you, and as individual... helping people? Being kind? Always a smile or a kind word? How do you think your love would have wanted you to live? Wallowing in sadness and misery, or making the most of life right now? (Yes, we probably have to change the WAY we go about our daily activities, in order to compensate for that loss, but our character should remain the same? The wonderful man whom she fell in love with, and love eternally.... who is THAT guy.... and is he being who he IS?)

- let us not forget the people around us who still love and care for us, it doesn't have to be family or friends.... just someone to who is there....how unfair would it be, for you to abruptly "remove" yourself from their lives, and put upon them much of the same pain and agony you yourself are experiencing now?

Yes, its the small things we miss... things other people would "never get"... we  were a TEAM... US against the world... and now we have to carry on that responsibility, of trying to make the world a better place for whoever we may encounter? The resources people like you and I have at our disposal, have we not a tremendous amount to be grateful for? To now wish to abscond from that ?

 

People like us now live not because we simply can... we find we HAVE to.... in honour of our beloveds.... to do good, give charity, feed a stranger.... in her name? So that her blessings will continue to rain upon her, wherever she is..... until that moment.... when once again.... this great team is UNITED?

Till, then.. we are here, with you...

I am here, Brother.... in Peace, Love and Light

 

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Amen Francine... Amen (We all.keep each other, all those who've lost loved and our loved ones, in our prayers? And we enunciate to the Lord Alrighty... "We accept Your Will.... for You know our Hearts, and Your plan for each of us, only stems from Love)

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Alex

I am so sorry. This is indeed the most painful thing anyone can go through. I am really very sorry. 

I lost my childhood bestfriend and fiance this November to an accident. My love was just 24. I am still suffering with so much pain.. But it's silent now. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell to comfort myself. But I understand you. I am here for you. We are all together in this journey. 

My prayers and love to you. 

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16 hours ago, AlexMegan said:

 

Yes, this experience has made me... kinder... gentler... it has thought me to appreciate the little things which we had previously just overlooked or taken for granted... clouds floating up above, a new bloom in the garden... a snail trailing along... the stars as they shine in the night sky... little kids laughter.... life really is beautiful... if we choose to see it.

 

Alex megan, i am so sorry for your loss, its a terrible shock to our system when our loved ones go without warning, my loss was dec 2, from an accident, he fell down steps at our home, he had a massive brain injury and broken neck. This truly is the hardest thing i av ever had to deal with, i av lost my parents, my dad was a sudden death and my mum was cancer, both was traumatic for me but i guess when its your parents its somewhat expected but the loss of our soulmates (someone not related who we chose to be with for rest of our lives) is torture and so hard to deal with, i av always thought of myself as a good person, i am kind i would go out of my way to help anyone who needed it but after my boyfriends death i questioned why this happened, why me? To the point at my lowest when i thought i might aswel be a horrible person because it dosnt make any diference to what lies ahead, pf course that is a ridiculous notion because i did kind things because i wanted to not because i didnt want a bad thing to happen to me it was just me, the person my soulmate chose to love. When we are left on our own through the passing of our loves we av to find who we are again and your words above inspire me, we all need to take time to appreciate the beautiful things on life to help with our grief and on this sight all our relationships with our loved ones were beautiful, we were all so lucky to av found true love, that is why our loss is so painful but we all would agree on this sight that we would do it all again im sure ans AMEN to that, love and comfort to all of you x

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AlexMorgan,

Even in your grief you're trying to find something positive in all of this, I thank you for that, it is a good reminder to all of us.  It is a CHOICE.  To find wonder in this world, even where there exists ugliness, horror, and death...yes even here we find good things.  It reminds us the next time we see a beautiful sunset to point it out to our beloved so that we may share in it.  They still exist...they are a whisper away.

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AlexMorgan,

Even in your grief you're trying to find something positive in all of this, I thank you for that, it is a good reminder to all of us.  It is a CHOICE.  To find wonder in this world, even where there exists ugliness, horror, and death...yes even here we find good things.  It reminds us the next time we see a beautiful sunset to point it out to our beloved so that we may share in it.  They still exist...they are a whisper away.

But Kay, it's so tough. So damn tough. I miss him so much. I don't have words to explain my feelings my pain. It's just.. I miss him. Life is so tough without him. 4 months seems 40 years to me. I wonder how you have spent 12 years without your George. I so much admire your courage. 

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Sadaf,

You don't need the words to explain the pain here, we all know.  You are so right, it is so tough, so difficult getting through day by day, or at times, second by second.  Some times we won't have the strength to make the choice, and at those times we will simply get through anyway we have to.  Wishing you what comfort you can find,

Herc

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