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Loneliness


Wearenotalone

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Wearenotalone

I am 28 years and I had a boyfriend who is the love of my life. He lost his life last december 2016 of bladder cancer. We were together for 8 years. 
I never thought I would write something like this, but here I am. I have read so many of your articles, and everybody relates to each other because we all feel the same; a unbearable pain that cannot be described. Sometimes I go by days being numb and have a breakdown that is out of control. But somehow by reading all of your messages, your articles, it gives support... although we may never meet, we share more than anyone around us. This is the only place where people really understand each other and where I see how humans show their most inner pain out here in the "open". It is nice... that we can type our feelings out, and knowing that someone will read it and completely understands me. I was thinking of professional help but I already know that it will not make a difference; I have to go through this living hell myself and nobody can help me with that. This is more than what professional help can give. This here. You, who are reading this.
A human being, understanding the feeling and the void... of what life now has become. This is the bottom for me. I know I can't say this in a good way, but I have nothing else to lose. I have my parents, my in-law parents and my partner's brother. But it is all so different than a true soulmate. It's such a huge loss. I feel like I lost everything when he passed. My world, my universe... I am completely lost and now trying to "find" myself, I can't. The old me has died so many times when I feel the aching burns of the pain in my heart. I lose my way again and again. Realizing that I won't have him anymore, I won't have him with me. Only his soul that I can't communicate with but only to receive signs. But I will never be held by him. Or so many things that are just too much to think about. And I said when he was so critically ill, that I couldn't live without him. That I desperately need him to be better again. That I would go crazy and that my world will fall apart. But then he passed because his body gave up and I still live. Why does my heart keep beating but it hurts so much I want to die? Why doesn't my body just die as well? I feel so much and then nothing again. I am trapped in this body of which I will not get rid of myself... I would never commit suicide. I am just not like that. And I couldn't do that to my parents.. his parents. We are family.
Since he passed I realized... that I have been questioning everything. Myself, my life, my friends, my family. This world. My life was not what I thought it was, and I am not who I thought I was. The "friends" are not what I thought they were. I thought everyone would play their role but it hasn't been like that at all. And I feel so lonely because of it. I feel like whatever I think, thought and did in my life was wrong. Because how can people around not really BE there for me? Do I have so much expectations? Or do I need so much certainty? But they haven't been quite knocking on my door or call me to check up on me. Is it because they give me space and time to get over him? Or are they backing out because I really have no one around me and they don't want to be the one playing the "best" friend role? Its true that I haven't been there for others ... I always chose him above everyone almost all the time. He was all I ever wanted to "invest" in ... and it sounds bad know that I am typing this because it means that I never invested in others, so why would they invest in me? Now I feel the true world. The loneliness, the emptiness. How people behave and think. Why aren't they reaching out while I know that they are thinking about me and knowing how much of a loss I just have had? 

I don't know anymore.... I just really feel lonely. It feels like nobody really cares. How can they? Mostly, they don't know how it feels like. They can only try to imagine but also that is impossible. And secondly... they always come up with something like, I wanted to give you space. But that's bs. You make the time. You take the effort to say hey. So that's why I am really questioning what kind of person I was.... It hurts my inner mindset. How I thought I was. And it makes me feel extra lonely. And extra bad as a person. 
It is like my life is now visible on a pedestal, and the world can see how I wasn't there for others, only for him. And now the world leaves me be. I feel ashamed. And I can't take it away because everybody knows, they have eyes, they can see. And I know this is the last thing you think about. I couldn't care less of what people think, but now that I have to live my life and I am so aware of my daily life, I see it now. And I feel the loneliness so bad. 

The world is such a cold place... it is so hard. I know I am making it hard in my head. I don't even have the space to think about people.. but I do feel that being around people supports me. And reading stories here. I just don't know how to be as a person, how to reach out and not look desperate. Why would I care? Because I want them to care, not because of pittiness but out of true kindness. How could he love me so much then? I always thought I am so blessed with his love. This is truly a blessing then... what we had. And I realized it much more when he passed but now... now it's like all my hope is gone. I will never have him, someone like him, someone who would be so lovingly towards me like he did. He fully truly accepted me as I was. That.... that is the most beautiful feeling in the world. Finding the one person in this world that fits you perfectly. And knowing that together you can make it through everything. Appreciating each other fully and enjoying each moment as it comes. My love. How I appreciate our love... how I appreciate what we had, what the world seeks in everything, and rarely find it. We found it. And we had it. And I thank you so much for giving me a chance. I thank anything, Gods, heavens, destiny, fate, karma... whatever or whoever, that we had this. And I am so sorry you had to go now, and I am so sorry you had to go through all the physical and mental pain. You did more than anyone could have done. We did everything and more. But somehow... we lost. And I am lost. I am so lost it scares me. And this place where I am, is so lonely. I never thought I could go further. My emotions are so distant. And they come suddenly with so much pain. And no matter how much pain I have, or how much I cry. I go over it again today or another day. This is living hell. And I wish for so many things. But what does it matter? Wishes will not be fulfilled as we want them to be. We just need to live.. and try to make it work everyday. And it's so hard. But somehow... I know I am not alone. My mind couldn't cope with this and so I landed here, on this forum. You all here understands me. And I am happy that I found people that have experienced the same kind of love as well. But I am so sorry that you have to experience this kind of pain. Every year passing, we are closer to death....but we can't live like this. With this thought. It is our duty to live a full life, a life they would have done everything and anything for to have a second chance. We bare the pain that they don't have anymore. And now..they don't need to bare this pain of living a life without the other. We live it. He wouldn't want me to live like this forever.... we bare the pain but don't wear the pain. Take your time, as long as you need. But keep an eye out for yourself. We don't have a choice so live in a way so they can be proud of us. Because they are with us, we just don't see or feel them. 

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Wearenotalone,

Your post is very heartfelt. I feel your pain, I lost my girlfriend of 6 years very suddenrly and without any warning, and I also lost my closest childhood friend to cancer when he was 22. I have had so much loss in my life and I wonder why I am still here, still alive. 

I don't want to pass judgement and say that your friends and family are "ignoring" you because you werent very attentive to them when your boyfriend was alive. If he was ill for a while, you had every reason to devote your attention to him. Even before that, its normal to want to spend most of your time with the person you love most. Please don't feel guilty that you were busy with your boyfriend. Your friends and family may be afraid of doing the wrong thing, as you said they don't know the pain you feel, only those of us who have lost someone close to us especially at a young age know the pain and anguish. It's a pain unlike any other, a torture that puts military and war torture to shame. Even those who haven't felt it though may be aware from a distance of the depth of the pain and they fear themselves how immense it is. Nobody ever wants to lose someone they love to death, but especially when it happens far too young, it's even more painful and unfair.

Maybe you can reach out to your friends and family and tell them what you need? That you need people around you in this hard time, being alone is one of the worst states to be in when you are grieving. You need to be able to talk about him and talk about him some more. You need to be able to cry. You need to be able to do what you need to do for yourself, but you need support.

i loved my girlfriend with all of my being, like you describe I know how special a deep connection is to someone, I could trust her with anything, I could share anything with her, I knew her secrets and she knew mine. We were soulmates. In her death I realize just how profound our relationship was. Just how much she actually did mean to me. 

I don't know how people get through it, I don't know how to even think about being happy again. But you are right, you are in good hands here, post and talk as often as you want. We will listen. 

Hugs to you. Best wishes.

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Wearenotalone,

I'm so sorry, no one 28 should have to be going through this.  It seems all the worse somehow that this could happen to one so young.

I don't understand either how people who call themselves your friends can not be there for you, but that was my experience.  It's true they don't know what it's like, but it seems like they could try anyway.  My sisters don't understand yet they care.  

Keep coming here, it helps to know you're heard and understood and you have that here.

As fzald said, it's so unfair. :(

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Wearenotalone
On 03/03/2017 at 3:18 AM, fzald said:

Wearenotalone,

Your post is very heartfelt. I feel your pain, I lost my girlfriend of 6 years very suddenrly and without any warning, and I also lost my closest childhood friend to cancer when he was 22. I have had so much loss in my life and I wonder why I am still here, still alive. 

I don't want to pass judgement and say that your friends and family are "ignoring" you because you werent very attentive to them when your boyfriend was alive. If he was ill for a while, you had every reason to devote your attention to him. Even before that, its normal to want to spend most of your time with the person you love most. Please don't feel guilty that you were busy with your boyfriend. Your friends and family may be afraid of doing the wrong thing, as you said they don't know the pain you feel, only those of us who have lost someone close to us especially at a young age know the pain and anguish. It's a pain unlike any other, a torture that puts military and war torture to shame. Even those who haven't felt it though may be aware from a distance of the depth of the pain and they fear themselves how immense it is. Nobody ever wants to lose someone they love to death, but especially when it happens far too young, it's even more painful and unfair.

Maybe you can reach out to your friends and family and tell them what you need? That you need people around you in this hard time, being alone is one of the worst states to be in when you are grieving. You need to be able to talk about him and talk about him some more. You need to be able to cry. You need to be able to do what you need to do for yourself, but you need support.

i loved my girlfriend with all of my being, like you describe I know how special a deep connection is to someone, I could trust her with anything, I could share anything with her, I knew her secrets and she knew mine. We were soulmates. In her death I realize just how profound our relationship was. Just how much she actually did mean to me. 

I don't know how people get through it, I don't know how to even think about being happy again. But you are right, you are in good hands here, post and talk as often as you want. We will listen. 

Hugs to you. Best wishes.

Thank you for your kind words, and it feels supporting if I know that somebody actually reached out and wrote something. Thank you. I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you believe somewhere in your heart that you will be happy again someday. But I am afraid for me, and maybe you do too, that may not happen fully again. We will never fully heal from this. Only learning to live with the void. Sigh.... What a long life we still have. It's hard to live. But then we can't give up. Such a tired state of mind. And the pain. I can't take it and then it comes in waves. I will try to live a better social life, I will try to be a better person. And appreciate the people around me. I too understand what you had, we shared everything together, our darkest fears and secrets. Such a pure and open relationship is so rare. And to accept one another after so much, fully, is true love. I am thankful that at least I've experienced the truest of love in this life. We know what we had and that is beautiful. Wish you the best as well. 

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Wearenotallone

I am so sorry for our pain that I know only too well.  I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate.  The pain is still unbelievable; the hurt unimaginable, the loss, inconceivable.

On 3/2/2017 at 6:21 PM, Wearenotalone said:

This is the bottom for me. I know I can't say this in a good way, but I have nothing else to lose. I have my parents, my in-law parents and my partner's brother. But it is all so different than a true soulmate. It's such a huge loss. I feel like I lost everything when he passed. My world, my universe... I am completely lost and now trying to "find" myself, I can't. The old me has died so many times when I feel the aching burns of the pain in my heart. I lose my way again and again. Realizing that I won't have him anymore, I won't have him with me. Only his soul that I can't communicate with but only to receive signs. But I will never be held by him. Or so many things that are just too much to think about. And I said when he was so critically ill, that I couldn't live without him. That I desperately need him to be better again.

Your pain is so strong it hurts my heart.  Sometimes God lets us hit rock bottom so that we will discover HE is the rock at the bottom.  Hitting rock bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there;  Your breakdown is a breakthrough and sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were.  I know right now, you think you have lost everything; but you haven't.   Often times it takes losing everything you thought you needed, to gain everything you ever wanted.  I know it hurts like hell; actually you are going through a living hell.  When everything seems like it's falling apart, that's when God is putting things together just the way HE wants it.

I know your thoughts, I have the same ones; knowing I won't have his arms around me again; won't be able to hold him and tell him how much I love him; won't be able to hear his voice, drives me crazy.  We don't understand why things happen to good people, but God has a reason for allowing things to happen.  We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply must trust his will.   That is where our faith comes into play.  Faith is trusting God even when we don't understand his plan. Faith is not hoping God can, it is knowing HE will.  At our lowest, God is our hope; at our darkest, God is our light; at our weakest, God is our strength; at our saddest, God is our comforter - The Ultimate Comforter.

On 3/2/2017 at 6:21 PM, Wearenotalone said:

The "friends" are not what I thought they were. I thought everyone would play their role but it hasn't been like that at all. And I feel so lonely because of it. I feel like whatever I think, thought and did in my life was wrong. Because how can people around not really BE there for me? Do I have so much expectations? Or do I need so much certainty? But they haven't been quite knocking on my door or call me to check up on me. Is it because they give me space and time to get over him? Or are they backing out because I really have no one around me and they don't want to be the one playing the "best" friend role?

That is unfortunate and sad. It sucks when your friends say 'I'm always here for you' and then abandon you when you need them the most. Some people aren't loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty. Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything, or to do anything in particular, but just to let us feel that we are cared for and supported.   When your 'friends' are absent during your struggles, do now allow them to be present during your success.  Besides, you want to be with those friends who bring out the best in you, and not the stress in you. After a while, their absence would have been so long that their presence will no longer matter. Once your so-called friends stop talking to you, they start talking about you. 

Know that our loved ones are with us in spirit and the love we shared with them will always be; no one and nothing will ever change that.  We were never intended to stay on this earth; it is merely a step towards our journey home.  Our loved one just went on ahead of us.  We will eventually  join them where love is peace are the norms. 

I  pray that God grant you all the strength to overcome is excruciating pain; and HE will, just open your hear.  God Bless and keep you safe.

 

 

 

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Wearenotalone--- I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate, your future.  The loss and the pain is indescribable. The yearning for who and what we had that cannot be retrieved. It is all forever gone. Except the love. Love endures and that is what we have to cling to and give us hope. Your partner's love, and your for him, is going to stay with you and sustain you on your journey. Peace, comfort and prayers to you. You are not alone.

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Wearenotalone

The one thing that is comforting is maybe that, we will never be afraid of death. So a lot of things that we do now, will be with no fear because we would happily accept death. What's the worst that can happen? The worst that could happen has happened. I think what will help is to watch movies or read books about receiving signs from your love in the other world. We cannot see or hear them, but there are many people who receive obvious signs from their loved ones. It is so weird how I feel right now. I am writing this on a forum where people experienced the same thing. Everything that I do now is because I lost him. I did everything for him. And now still, I do everything because of him. I distract myself the maximum that I can so I can't have the time to cry or feel. I try to push away the pain, because the pain is unbearable. It comes suddenly, stacked up because I pushed it away. And then the wave of pain comes that is so torturing. How I wish I was dead. How easier it would be. My days are crawling. I am extremely conscious about my life right now. of the time. So conscious about him not being here with me. Thinking of him endlessly. Just staring in a distance, knowing there is nothing I can do to bring him back. Knowing that he is gone. Numbness. And I still live. My heart keeps beating. Why? Reading the articles what has been written here. Reading what strangers type and knowing exactly what they are saying. Feeling a kind of connection.. so weird isn't it? It's also beautiful in some way. It just gives me a whole other perspective on how much a person can experience. I feel like my emotions and feelings are so wide out. So far away, unreachable. And I feel like I am talking nonsense now. Just trying to describe what's on my mind. Death is such a mysterious thing. What is on the other side? Why are we getting signs? How do we communicate? If we could just communicate... this life would become a little bit more... live-able. I am going crazy. Nothing.... nothing makes sense anymore. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing what I do is worth it. I just live now for my mother and his mother... who consider me as their precious daughter. Hoping that someday I can have my children... with someone who would love me as much as he did. Children. How much I really wanted children with him. Now that is just a dream. A dream that will never come true. A partner.. how unimaginable. I lost him. It doesn't matter anymore. I want him. He was the one. I would only want someone for my selfish me, just to live this life with someone. But that is so unfair. I feel so alone right now. I know I'm not. But this is something only I can do. Nobody can do it for me. I am so tired. Everytime I go to sleep I tell him to give me sign. And I wake up realizing he didn't gave me one. And I feel so lonely. And I am only one day older. I wish I only had a few more years to go. I envy positively to those who at least got a life together. Children. How long my life still is without him. And how unexpectedly life can turn out. And why does death overcome only to the really good ones? Should I be a really good person so heaven can take me away from this living hell? Life IS hard. You have to keep up socially, mentally, physically, financially, environmentally... ally ally ally. Everything you have to keep up. I am so tired. I am so lost without him. Sigh. This post won't help you I guess. But it helps me to just type it out and post it. I don't know. Maybe the people reading this will understand and know. Keeping myself busy helps. Very busy. How unhealthy this is for a person to go through a death of a partner. 

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Wearenotalone

Kayc, Francine, KMB, thank you for your words. It really feels supporting that you reply. I will think of you guys when I feel lonely. I think that helps. It is true that I have become a changed person. I realize how sometimes I was not living fully. That at times I didn't appreciate what and who I had. This now is really a point in my life that I am aware of everything and everyone. About how this world continues to live and not really "live". Everyone just takes everything and everyone for granted. Why wouldn't they? If nothing bad really happens.. they just live their lives until something hard hits them. Like what I had. I never really lived life fully. And I will try doing that in the name of my love. So he can be happy from wherever he is watching from. Because I know he is watching. I just can't always feel it. Sometimes I do feel it, everytime I cry I get a small voice inside of me saying that I shouldn't cry so hard because it hurts him to see me like this. Everytime. Ofcourse I can't stop myself and I keep crying but I do have that voice. Sometimes I even think that I am going crazy and becoming crazy might be better because then they will treat and give me pills at a mental hospital and I don't need to try to live a full life. My power and motivation came from him, and without him, everything is so hard to do. I will accept death whenever it comes. In some ways it gives me calmness. I feel like an old person ready to die. Until then I will just live it out. I don't have a choice. 

 

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Wearenotalone,

I have started to respond to your post multiple times.  I simply couldn't find the words until now.  Your pain is so evident and raw.  You are so young, and yet you have had this terrible journey placed in front of you.  You have so many questions, all of which I understand and can relate to.  And unfortunately I have so few answers that will help.

On 3/2/2017 at 7:21 PM, Wearenotalone said:

...Why does my heart keep beating but it hurts so much I want to die? Why doesn't my body just die as well?

...Because how can people around not really BE there for me? Do I have so much expectations? Or do I need so much certainty?  Is it because they give me space and time to get over him? Or are they backing out because I really have no one around me and they don't want to be the one playing the "best" friend role?  He was all I ever wanted to "invest" in ... and it sounds bad know that I am typing this because it means that I never invested in others, so why would they invest in me?  Why aren't they reaching out while I know that they are thinking about me and knowing how much of a loss I just have had? 

...How can they? (Understand our loss)

...Why would I care? (What they think)

... How could he love me so much then?

... But what does it (our wishes) matter?

I don't know why we weren't allowed to pass with our loved ones.  I know I would have gladly gone if I had been asked.  But like you I cannot truly consider suicide as an option, so here we sit, waiting.  Perhaps we were "spared" for the benefit of our family, perhaps both losses would have been too much for them to bear.

I don't know why the world is filled with so many uncaring and insensitive people.  Their lack of compassion and concern is so hurtful.  It is nothing we did wrong, I think they just can't comprehend what we are going through, and fear of the unknown drives them away.  I almost can't blame them. I know I didn't truly understand this until it happened to me, and if I had understood, while I would have tried to make each moment with Christine count, it is possible I would have been broken by the magnitude of what was coming.  Your expectations are not unreasonable, you deserve their compassion and care.  They may simply be incapable of offering it at this time.

I think we care what other people think because our self image is shattered.  Our self confidence has been damaged to its core.  We are completely uncertain of who we are, how we will progress, and what is important to us now in our lives.  As a result we need the validation of their love and support, and it is so unfair that they are often unable to give it.

I do know why our lost loved us.  It is because we were amazing people who loved them in return.  Our love is without question.  No one would come to this site, with this pain, and these questions, if the love they shared wasn't true.  I know it doesn't help, because it only emphasizes what is missing, but at least that one has a solid answer.

I think our wishes do matter greatly.  The ones we hold out at first will not be answered.  We will never have our lives back in the same way.  We cannot turn back the clock to before it happened.  But I think we will find a way to keep our loves with us in our hearts.  We will be able to remember fondly the beauty of our relationship.  And in time we will become relatively whole people with a life that is worth living.  Those wishes are the key to rebuilding ourselves, and keeping our loves in our lives.

I don't know if those answers are all true for you.  I have the same questions and am still struggling with them daily.  I do know I should have responded before this, and told you simply that I am so sorry for your loss.  I wanted you to know why, and that there are people that care for you.  Hoping you find some answers, and comfort at least in those who understand,

Herc

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30 minutes ago, Wearenotalone said:

My power and motivation came from him, and without him, everything is so hard to do. I will accept death whenever it comes. In some ways it gives me calmness. I feel like an old person ready to die. Until then I will just live it out. I don't have a choice. 

I'm so very sorry for you; my motivation and power also came from my Charles.  He was my strength and someone I knew I could always depend on and he, me.  I feel like a fish out of water, drowning; but in order to keep my balance, I must keep moving and so do you.  Even though I have children, grandchildren, friends and family, I feel so alone.   I like to think that when things don't go according to our plan, it doesn't mean they are not going according to God's plan.   I think you do have a choice.  When bad things happen, you can either let it define you; let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you.  Be strengthen by God's Love.

Keep strong; you are in  my prayers and thoughts.  God Bless you and give you, give us all, the strength to get through this difficult time.

 
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It's normal to question it all. No one can be the same after such a tragedy.
Do you have high expectations? Not at all, but it certainly feels that way doesn't it?
"This is more than what professional help can give. This here. You, who are reading this."
I agree as well. Long ago when I wanted 'professional' help at school the counselor told me that I needed friends...  I wasn't good at making friends... So back to square 1..
Watching someone you love die, it makes you feel so hollow. Like you would do anything to have them experience a happy existence somewhere. You would sacrifice yourself. It would even be okay if I didn't communicate with her.. I just wanted confirmation that she's well. Happy. I would be selfless. I wish I had those signs. I wish I knew what an afterlife meant. But I'm alone in the darkness with many others wondering how we can go on.

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Wearenotalone,

Don't worry about crying, it's better to let it out than bottle it up.  He'd understand.  None of us had an inkling what this would be like.  Other people's lives continue but our is changed forever.  There are good lessons from this but we'd trade them all to have them back again.  We were so wrapped up in each other we didn't really need anyone else...friends disappeared when he died, working on building more relationships, it's slow go.  For a long time I didn't have the energy or time.

I hope you keep posting, it was a lifesaver for me.

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Wearenotalone
On 06/03/2017 at 0:31 AM, Herc said:

 

I don't know why the world is filled with so many uncaring and insensitive people.  Their lack of compassion and concern is so hurtful.  It is nothing we did wrong, I think they just can't comprehend what we are going through, and fear of the unknown drives them away.  I almost can't blame them. I know I didn't truly understand this until it happened to me, and if I had understood, while I would have tried to make each moment with Christine count, it is possible I would have been broken by the magnitude of what was coming.  Your expectations are not unreasonable, you deserve their compassion and care.  They may simply be incapable of offering it at this time.

I think we care what other people think because our self image is shattered.  Our self confidence has been damaged to its core.  We are completely uncertain of who we are, how we will progress, and what is important to us now in our lives.  As a result we need the validation of their love and support, and it is so unfair that they are often unable to give it.

I do know why our lost loved us.  It is because we were amazing people who loved them in return.  Our love is without question.  No one would come to this site, with this pain, and these questions, if the love they shared wasn't true.  I know it doesn't help, because it only emphasizes what is missing, but at least that one has a solid answer.

I think our wishes do matter greatly.  The ones we hold out at first will not be answered.  We will never have our lives back in the same way.  We cannot turn back the clock to before it happened.  But I think we will find a way to keep our loves with us in our hearts.  We will be able to remember fondly the beauty of our relationship.  And in time we will become relatively whole people with a life that is worth living.  Those wishes are the key to rebuilding ourselves, and keeping our loves in our lives.

I don't know if those answers are all true for you.  I have the same questions and am still struggling with them daily.  I do know I should have responded before this, and told you simply that I am so sorry for your loss.  I wanted you to know why, and that there are people that care for you.  Hoping you find some answers, and comfort at least in those who understand,

Herc

Dear Herc,

I really appreciate you writing to me, here. And by that, I thank everyone. I really hope this helps others as well. I agree so much with all that you said. The world is filled with uncaring people. It is a sad, crazy world we live in. This world is so cold without the warm love of our partner. How warm it was. And how much I could take with him by my side. I think what you said about the fear of the unknown drives them away. People generally don't want to be in a sad environment all the time. They choose pleasure and distraction over many things including me. I think someone needs to be very very strong as well to want to be a pillar for me. First of all, they might not understand what true love is and so they can't imagine the level of pain we are in. Second, they choose the ignorance way than the conscious way. Third, I didn't invest in them why would they do in me? And this last one, I think I get it now. 

I never got the right people around me because I was lost myself, until he found me. He saved me from my misery. He showed me a new world, and taught me so many things I never really learned. He then loved all my flaws and accepted even the worst ones. He made me a better person in many ways. A true angel. And after all that, he truly felt I was the angel, giving him love. Which completely surprised me and always did. I was always so deeply grateful for him and I always questioned his sanity. Why would someone like him, love someone like me? And because of our love, we created new persons in us. These two grew together through all the toughest times. We created our beautiful world, our bubble. It was amazing. Even the bad periods where we separated a few months for the better. We came back together uncertain but we still wanted to be together.

We grew closer eventually. And then during the time of his illness, we truly came together as one piece. We had this highest level of love in the beginning of our relationship, letting go of everything important in our lives and hugging each other a few hours long without any words. Closed eyes, feeling each other. Nothing sexual. It was such a magical feeling. So so so magical. I found heaven. I truly experienced heaven on earth. I was so high. This high feeling is something I will never forget, and it lasted for 6 months until it wore off. The first 3 months were actually too much in everyone's faces. We became completely different people and we lived so much in our bubble, we annoyed everyone around us. And we didn't care. It was so blissful. It was that we had to "live and act normal" in this world, or else we would have spend just 24 hours staring at each other just enjoying every second. 
And after ups and downs with us, and we had them because I gave him my everything and he gave that to me. And that is not healthy for a long period of time. We saw all sides of each other.
After so many years... we then found out about his type of cancer. 

There was nothing that we could do. It was so rare and aggressive, the doctors said we won the lottery, in their way. Which I felt we won before. But this time, it's the worst. 
The highest price will be paid, they said. He is not going to make 2017. How cruel of them to say that, though I understand. And then our journey began. Not choosing the chemo way, we tried all sorts of alternative medicine you can think of. Spending thousands. We didn't believe in chemo and that wasn't a choice anyway, this type of cancer will become immune and he would lay in bed, sick all the time or at least so vulnerable. We wanted him to stay strong and fight through whatever we wanted to try. He wanted that as well.

The coming months what then came, was all a long fight, such a long fight that, he wanted to go a few months before his death. He didn't want to live anymore. I can't even comprehend what I'm typing and I'm sorry for you to read this... but maybe.... maybe you might appreciate that your loved one didn't suffer. Though the pain after is the same.
He suffered, we suffered so much to see it. It was an indescribable period. So traumatizing. I watched him die, slowly, in all these months. And I will need professional help for this and I will seek it. I am just surprised I am not crazy yet. Though the fact that I am typing this helps. 


But he fought for us, and we fought for him. And it brought us so close. The profound key to this life, I believe. To find souls that truly understand each other and go through hell to reach a common purpose. Healing. Health. Love. The only things that matter in life. And I think that is why it's a beautiful thing, this forum. We seeked each other out. It makes me feel I'm not alone. Maybe not feel, but at least think. To know. Feeling is still so complex. But at least I can think about it. In the back of my head. I am not the only one. And though his mother and brother are suffering so excruciating much as well. Losing a true love is... losing everything.

To accept and love each other so far in the distance... where words are not needed anymore.. and you are one with the other.... is.... the only thing that makes us feel the maximum alive. We should feel alive by the love of our family and friends etc... but compared to that... this thing we had. Is the reason why I feel so dead now. I feel so dead. I feel like dying over and over again. I did and I do. And then there is numbness. And the thought of... what will come if I push this away? What's the worst that can happen? It can't. The worst has happened. So why am I even thinking? I am so tired. This crazy world.... will I ever ever want someone else? Yes I want love, I want to be accepted fully again and be loved because of it. But will I ever want to? I can't even think about it and I will not. But as a woman I can't help it. Our brains are wired in a way so that we think of everything all at once. I want him. All I ever wanted was him. All I wanted was to grow old with him, have his children. 

Sigh. Just typing and crying. I will just keep doing that. Sharing. Sharing what I feel. Nothing is permanent. He doesn't suffer now anymore. And one day, we won't suffer anymore. He left his painful and aching body. And now continues his journey. I need to learn more about the afterlife. Too many things are coincidence and that can't be true. 

Sorry for my rattling. To think that at least someone, even maybe one, is reading this, comforts me somehow. 

 
 

 

 



 
 

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Wearenotalone,

I don't know how you invested in others, but I have a feeling that you are needlessly beating yourself up on that front.  Sometimes other people just can't deal with the situation.  It isn't your fault, and it might not be their fault.  I am so sorry they aren't there for you, and wish they could be.  But the simple fact is they aren't, please don't blame yourself for that.

Don't worry about traumatizing me.  12 years and countless hours sitting watching my love in dialysis chairs, watching surgeries, and the fallout from them, watching the effects of immunosuppressive drugs on her body, seeing rejection episodes where her own internal organs were turning on her, sleeping in hospital chairs wondering if this would be the last night I would have the privilege of telling her I loved her, and all the other related issues of long term health concerns has given me a pretty thick skin on that front.  I am sorry you went through it as well, I know the torture of watching helplessly as they suffer.  Even in our grief, there is much peace in knowing they no longer suffer.

Typing, crying, and sharing is the only way I get through this some days.  Please keep sharing whenever you feel like it.  You are being heard, and understood.  Hoping you find comfort,

Herc

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Wearenotalone, Thank you for sharing your story. I know how painful it is in remembering it, and the writing of it. I started taking care of my husband 10 years before he passed. Many surgeries and ER's. His last 2 years were the most difficult. I felt totally helpless. All I could do was to try to remain strong and keep my breaking heart to myself .Always having hope and faith his health would turn around. So much for that. Now, he is no longer suffering with a body that betrayed him. But I am suffering his absence.

You are being listened to and heard. We share in your pain. Just take it one day at a time. Peace and comfort.

 

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Wearenotalone,

Know that you are heard here, we are reading, listening.  
He went through so much in an effort to overcome this, to live, to be with you.  And not only he, but you, for you were in this together.
I thought of you as I read this article:
http://www.aftertalk.com/ask-dr-neimeyer/index.php/truamatic-images-of-dying/
Traumatic death is not only accident, injury, but also slow death, bit by bit, such as cancer's ravages.  To go back to that place and comfort him can be a powerful tool, one to perhaps explore with the help of a therapist that has experience with this.  I'm glad you're going to get professional help, this can be an awful lot to try to handle on your own.

It strikes me that you may feel older than your years...such is our experience when we've been through something like this.  It definitely brings clarity to our perspective...we learn what is important, what is not.  

I read KMB's response, and am touched by all she has gone through.  And Herc.  And all represented here.  This is a hard journey, but made more tolerable by sharing here.  Thank you, all of you, you've all come to mean so much to me.

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The thanks goes to you, KayC. It is to your credit, your postings of your long time grieving and hard earned wisdom, that brought me to join this particular forum.  I had checked out other forums and didn't like the format. I think a lot of us were drawn to you on here because you made the choice to stay. I have noticed that a couple people already deleted their account after only being here short term. But, as we all know, grieving is different for everyone.

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Wearenotalone
On 3/6/2017 at 6:31 PM, KayC said:

Wearenotalone,

Don't worry about crying, it's better to let it out than bottle it up.  He'd understand.  None of us had an inkling what this would be like.  Other people's lives continue but our is changed forever.  There are good lessons from this but we'd trade them all to have them back again.  We were so wrapped up in each other we didn't really need anyone else...friends disappeared when he died, working on building more relationships, it's slow go.  For a long time I didn't have the energy or time.

I hope you keep posting, it was a lifesaver for me.

KayC, thank you so much for your support and for being here. Just replying. You have no idea how much that means. I feel numb because I guess its too much to handle indeed... and its part of the whole process as well. I will check that link out you send me. Thank you. I really hope you get better and better day by day. Only even if it is the smallest thing that makes you forget for a second. Happy. He would want you to KayC.

 

 

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I've only been here a few months, there's another site I've been on since George died, nearly twelve years now.  It was my lifeline, even as this one is for you now.  I chose to stay because I've found it meant so much to me to be listened to, heard, understood, and know there are people that relate and beyond that, even care.  It helps so much to share this experience, it validates everything we feel and go through.  Without that I think I would have felt I'd lost my mind!  So if I can do nothing more than listen and care, I feel it means something to someone.   I also think it helps to see someone who has lived through this, because in my early days I wasn't sure I would.  Having a perspective from further out helps one realize it can be done.

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Wearenotalone

 
 

On 07/03/2017 at 1:26 AM, Herc said:

Wearenotalone,

I don't know how you invested in others, but I have a feeling that you are needlessly beating yourself up on that front.  Sometimes other people just can't deal with the situation.  It isn't your fault, and it might not be their fault.  I am so sorry they aren't there for you, and wish they could be.  But the simple fact is they aren't, please don't blame yourself for that.

Don't worry about traumatizing me.  12 years and countless hours sitting watching my love in dialysis chairs, watching surgeries, and the fallout from them, watching the effects of immunosuppressive drugs on her body, seeing rejection episodes where her own internal organs were turning on her, sleeping in hospital chairs wondering if this would be the last night I would have the privilege of telling her I loved her, and all the other related issues of long term health concerns has given me a pretty thick skin on that front.  I am sorry you went through it as well, I know the torture of watching helplessly as they suffer.  Even in our grief, there is much peace in knowing they no longer suffer.

Typing, crying, and sharing is the only way I get through this some days.  Please keep sharing whenever you feel like it.  You are being heard, and understood.  Hoping you find comfort,

Herc



Dear Herc,

I am really sorry that you have to experience that. I cannot imagine and I am completely shaken by your words. I just have nothing that I can say only that I truly feel so sorry and that I think how cruel this world is. The only thing indeed is... they are not suffering anymore... 

I will stop beating myself up.. I realize that I just met the wrong persons in my life because me myself was always in an unstable state. I was never really open to people other than him because I felt I found my only wish and that was true love. I felt so much and overloaded by content... that I never thought about anyone else than him. I know now what kind of situation that has brought me now. I feel like I am being presented with "look how lonely she is" and that "she is the example" of a failure in social contacts. How paranoia am I and how stupid of me to think that. But I guess it's natural. I am just dragging myself through the day and because I am completely shattered... I just rethink of how the old me was.  She died with him several times. The days are so slow... and my life is still so long. I just think about how I lived my life, how I am getting through the day and how people in this world live. I think I am just keeping my mind busy as well. I can't think of him not being here anymore. I can't deal with it but it is the reality. I keep thinking of coming back here as well. You all support me and I thank you for sharing your story. 

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Wearenotalone
On 07/03/2017 at 2:15 AM, KMB said:

Wearenotalone, Thank you for sharing your story. I know how painful it is in remembering it, and the writing of it. I started taking care of my husband 10 years before he passed. Many surgeries and ER's. His last 2 years were the most difficult. I felt totally helpless. All I could do was to try to remain strong and keep my breaking heart to myself .Always having hope and faith his health would turn around. So much for that. Now, he is no longer suffering with a body that betrayed him. But I am suffering his absence.

You are being listened to and heard. We share in your pain. Just take it one day at a time. Peace and comfort.

 

Dear Kmb, 

You have done so much for him and you are an Angel. He knows. And he is there but we just can't see them. I just know this because there are so many things that has happened since he passed that I just can't call coincidence. I just can't. But I know exactly how you must have felt... it is a kind of extreme kind of helplessness that makes us so numb... and really heavy. Their bodies.... just had to have the disease. And God somehow had a different path for them. But I just can't understand why they had to add the suffering. It's totally useless. It makes me question everything about my belief. And I didn't had one, only believed in something "more" but never in religion. Then I became more religious after his passing because on what thing can I hold on to, other than faith? I kept stronger to my faith as I developed it these last weeks. But now I think: but why did they have to take the long road of suffering with this disease? Are they really "paying" for a better life? I will never find my answers... maybe one day, when I die. And that is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. That I will die as well. Just don't know when. 

Lots of peace and comfort as well to you. 

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Wearenotalone-------So many questions with this life. And no concrete answers. In 50 years, 60, 70 years, this forum might or might not exist. Those of us here today, we will not exist in this life. The only particles of us that will remain is the legacy of love we pass down to our loved ones. Our children will have our grandchildren, they will have our great grandchildren. Our love will get passed down through the generations. I believe that is the meaning of life. To love and be loved and pass it down.

I don't understand about death, except that it happens. Our physicals bodies are just superficial shells housing our soul. The body is vulnerable to so many things. It can experience the pleasures of living but it is not resistant to pain. Our loved ones are no longer suffering. That is a balm to our soul. But because we have a heart, we feel the pain of their not being here.

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Wearenotalone
On 06/03/2017 at 0:31 AM, Herc said:

Wearenotalone,

I have started to respond to your post multiple times.  I simply couldn't find the words until now.  Your pain is so evident and raw.  You are so young, and yet you have had this terrible journey placed in front of you.  You have so many questions, all of which I understand and can relate to.  And unfortunately I have so few answers that will help.

I don't know why we weren't allowed to pass with our loved ones.  I know I would have gladly gone if I had been asked.  But like you I cannot truly consider suicide as an option, so here we sit, waiting.  Perhaps we were "spared" for the benefit of our family, perhaps both losses would have been too much for them to bear.

I don't know why the world is filled with so many uncaring and insensitive people.  Their lack of compassion and concern is so hurtful.  It is nothing we did wrong, I think they just can't comprehend what we are going through, and fear of the unknown drives them away.  I almost can't blame them. I know I didn't truly understand this until it happened to me, and if I had understood, while I would have tried to make each moment with Christine count, it is possible I would have been broken by the magnitude of what was coming.  Your expectations are not unreasonable, you deserve their compassion and care.  They may simply be incapable of offering it at this time.

 

Herc

Dear Herc,

I wanted to tell you that I remind myself many times during the day of your words, it really supports me. Especially "the fear of the unknown drives them away". I think this is it. Because even me, I consider his mother as mine, and sometimes even better as mine as I feel she understand me more than my own mother, I sometimes am unmotivated to talk or see her because it's like I see a representation of how it is to have one of your worst nightmares come true. And so its obvious than people, friends, would rather choose distraction and avoidance rather than confrontation of that unknown. It's a fear as well. Because I was wondering what could be more important, than to be there for someone who is going through this? And I realized, they do not understand the level of pain because they haven't and might never experience that level of love or happiness. So they don't have a measurement of this sort. As normal people, they too, distract themselves constantly with everything. And we, we are so conscious what has happened, days are going by so slow. I am so awake and so conscious about my life now and how I lived it. I am critically observing everything and everyone around me. Because my whole universe just collapsed and my world is gone. So I am just trying to find meaning in people.. and in everything. Knowing that it is helpless but I don't really have a choice. Because for them... those friends... what is the meaning of life, if life is about being real? And what other things are more real than what I am going through? Isn't this what we have, sharing moments, being it happy or sad, what life is about? Where are they I wonder? I should not be telling them what I need because it only takes one second to know... and I just ask myself why I am not cutting them loose. But then I will end up having no one of my age. What do you think?  

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Wearenotalone,

I am thankful that my words helped you some.  I have difficulty talking to her mother as well.  I love her dearly, but I have no words to help her.  Nothing to offer her that could ever come close to filling the hole that losing a child has left in her heart.

I try.  I call, and I go over to help her at her house.  I tell her how her granddaughter is.  I try to be the the son she never had, but I know that it is nothing compared to the daughter she did.  She asked me early on when it would stop hurting, and though I know the answer is never, I haven't been able to tell her, because she knows it even better than I do.

As for my friends, I try to be kind to them.  They don't understand, they are afraid and uncomfortable, and in denial that anything like this will ever happen to them.  And they have to be.  If everyone in the world truly felt as we do right now all the time, if they empathized, the world would stop.  Since Christine's passing, I have had two coworkers who have lost a parent.  I offered support, and I have reached out to one of them personally.  But if everyone felt their loss, nothing would ever get done.

So what I try to do now is simply care.  Regardless of how they have responded to my turmoil.  I care for those who have helped, and for those who couldn't.  I care for many reasons.  They may need it.  It is what Christine would want.  They might care for me if they truly understood what I am going through.  The caring helps me heal as well.

There are many other reasons.  But the single most important reason is because it is the right thing to do.  This world is too harsh and cold already.  Simply going through the process of life is a brutal, harrowing thing.  It was even before our losses, but at least then we had someone who truly cared to help us through it.  And it made the world a better place for us.

I care because it makes the world a better place for everyone.  Some days I can't.  I have taken an incredible blow, one that has wounded me to my heart, so I am patient with myself when I can't.  But when I can, I do, and that is its own reward.

You asked me what I think.  What I think is that everyone on this site are wonderful, caring people.  I think that life has been unfair to us all.  I think we need to do whatever we can to heal from this horrible hurt we have suffered.  I think we all have our own path through it, and what works for me may not work for anyone else.  What I know may be more important.  What I know is that I care deeply for everyone here.  Hoping that we all find some moments of love and support in the midst of this awful storm,

Herc

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wearenotalone,

Please try not to consider how other people think of you.  What matters is what we think of ourselves, after all, we have to live with ourselves 24/7, and we more than anyone should have understanding of ourselves.  Be very kind and patient to yourself, even as he would have.

This is not a quick or easy journey, but it's doable...even when we feel it's not.  One day at a time, or as Darrel would have said, one foot in front of the other.  We're all here for you.

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