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Trying to Cope in an empty house


Francine

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I'm fastly approaching my third month on this lonely journey and I just needed to vent; so please bear with me for a moment.

My house is empty now and so am I.  The silence is all around me and penetrates my every step.  If I listen to music it pierces my soul and brings up uncontrollable tears.  I see my Charles' pictures on several walls in our home and on several of instant media giving me memories of days gone by, filling rooms with love's reflection as I pass through.  I'm the lucky one who knew him, who still loves him, whose life will forever be divided into a before and after, because of him.   The worst feeling in the world is knowing I did the best I could and it still wasn't good enough to keep him here.   All the words in the world could not even begin to describe how deeply I love his man, from the first moment I saw him until the never-ending heartbreak his passing has left me.  He is not only my heart, but my soul.  There are two moments, I shall never forget, the moment we met and the moment of his last breath; sometimes I just need to be alone; so I can cry without being judged, so I can think without being interrupted, so I don't bring anyone else down with me.

I talk about him because I am proud; I talk about him, because he deserves to be remembered; I talk about him because even though he is physically not with me, he is never far from my mind.  I talk about him because he is a part of me, a part that I could never ignore or disown.  I talk about him because I still love him and always will, forever.  Nothing will ever change that. Everything is going to be alright, maybe, but not today, but eventually.  It is so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.  With all the smiles he brought me, I never thought that he could cause me so many tears.  Nothing in this world could ever be as wonderful as the love he gave me - we gave one another.  His love made my days so very bright, enriching my life all the way.

i could only be grateful when I realized that I would rather have known him for a moment than never at all.  I would rather endure this inexplicable pain of outliving him than to never have seen his face, spoken his name.  I would rather be his and he be mine regardless.  Regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights and the years I will walk this earth carrying him in my heart.

Often times, I hit rock bottom but my faith in God comforts me and keeps me above board. I think the lessons we can all learn from is that for every loss, there is a victory; for every sadness, there is joy and when we think we've lost everything, there is Hope.  Let us learn from yesterday; live for today and hope for tomorrow.God Bless us all.

 

 

        

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Francine,

Beautiful post. Your posts are always so insightful, and it's amazing how even with the immense, unrelenting pain we feel, many of us are still able to muster up some insight for all of us on here suffering so greatly. 

It's true, isn't it? I remember saying a few weeks ago that my girlfriend's death drew a line in the sand. There will always be a before and after. Even "before we dated" falls in that before category, that was a life I once knew which is now foreign to me. I got a mere 6 years on this earth to be by her side, far too short, cut short so mercilessly. But in those six years we lived a lifetime of love and happiness, of hurt and sadness, of hope and fear, of smiles and tears. We went through so much together, we both lived through some of each others' hardest times in life, and yet we stuck together through it all even though there were times we both feared we were falling apart. In the end, our love kept us together, even when we were fighting enough that we wondered if there was a point in trying, we stuck together and we were always glad we did. I would say that those times of pain between us in the end made us stronger. When we would argue and then come back together and compromise, we felt even more secure and stronger, because we knew we could work things out together and make things work.

January 28th 2017 is the line in the sand for me. It was on that day that my world fell apart. It was on that day that everything I lived for, everything I stood for, vanished in an instant, with a single phone call. It was at that instant that I went from hoping for her recovery, to realizing that my life was changed forever, and not in a way I would have ever wished for or wanted.

I am hoping to start to organize my memories and thoughts of her and to write our story. It might be a good thing for me, it will probably be very painful and very profoundly difficult, but it may bring some peace, knowing that the love we shared is written down, immortalized on paper, such that even my own death would not necessarily be able to remove the knowledge of our love from the world. But even now, I talk about her every day. I think about her all the time. I can't "push her away" from my thoughts, she is always right there. Being only a month in is part of it, but also, the depth of our relationship, the depth of what we shared on so many levels, leaves a huge void in my life, one that will never be filled again, one that will never be truly healed.

In the first few days after her death I too asked myself if it would have been better to just have never met her, But I quickly realized that I would not trade the time we had for anything. I would not trade the memories, the happiness, the love, the mutual bonding, for anything. If I were given the chance to live it again, even knowing it would end so tragically, I would take it in a heartbeat. I would give up every day I have left on this earth, just to go back and live those 6 years with her again. It will never be enough, no amount of time with our beloved is ever enough, but that's why I continue to try to remember and tell myself that there is more than this Earthly life, there is more out there that we do not and will not understand until it is our time. 

My ideas of God may differ a little from yours, Francine, but I do still believe in a supreme being, watching over us, helping us. I have struggled with that as of late, because lately I just feel so down, so hopeless, so lost, and I feel like I've been abandoned. But at the same time, I do hope that God is still out there, trying His best. Like I've said before, I don't believe that God directly causes any of these horrible tragedies. I don't believe in "God needed her in heaven" or "God took her for a reason." I do however believe that, when a tragedy like this befalls us, God does feel our pain, and wishes just like everyone here on Earth that He could take it from us. 

I have been at rock bottom this week. Every time I feel like I'm there though I find that I can fall further, and I usually do. I do not know where my life will take me. Right now my life feels meaningless, empty, pointless. I get through each day just barely. I can't even look beyond the next few hours. I work because I need to pay bills, not because I want to spend money on things I enjoy. I breathe and eat and drink and sleep only because I don't have much other choice right now. I am not OK. I will not be OK for a while. When people ask if I'm OK I might say I am, but I'm not. Maybe I will be someday, but I'm not OK now. 

Hugs to you, prayers for all of our healing and recovery.

Thank you.

 

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13 minutes ago, Francine said:

 

i could only be grateful when I realized that I would rather have known him for a moment than never at all.  I would rather endure this inexplicable pain of outliving him than to never have seen his face, spoken his name.  I would rather be his and he be mine regardless.  Regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights and the years I will walk this earth carrying him in my heart.

 

 

 

        

Francine , Fzald, both your words are heartfelt, and i feel same as you, as painful as this is i also am so glad for having the time i had with him, the same you had for your charles, and fzald your loved one, cherish your love even tho some days it all gets too much for us to bare, i know and your right

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Francine,

My thoughts are with you as the third month draws closer.  I so understand the empty house.  I find myself wandering through our hallways and staring at her things, and wondering to myself how I can ever move them as they are now anchored by the weight of my grief.  Those moments at which our lives were changed forever by finding them and having them pass are etched into all of our minds.

Keeping him with you, in your heart, by sharing him and your love for him with others is a beautiful tribute.  We will never cease to love them, remember them, or stop crying for them.  We love them because we have to, remember them because we need to, and cry because of the joy they brought us, and those things will never change.

The years that we walk this earth will indeed be hard without them.  But easier for having known them and their love.  The sorrow and the long sleepless nights will pass, but their love will remain with us forever.  I am sure God and your faith will provide for you the strength to find your victory, the insight to find your joy, and the hope to guide you into tomorrow.  Wishing you peace and comfort through these next few days,

Herc

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Francine, fzald, Herc,-------Thank you all for writing so expressively and with your hearts. it eases the pain whenever I read your posts.

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23 hours ago, Francine said:

The worst feeling in the world is knowing I did the best I could and it still wasn't good enough to keep him here.

As I read these words, this article comes to my mind.  I hope you will read it and take it to heart.  You are not responsible for his death.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Your post is beautifully articulated from your heart.  You can feel how much you love him...I understand, it's how I feel about my George, and nothing has diminished that, not even his absence these last 12 years.

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Thanks guys for all of your responses.   You don't know how much appreciative all of them were to my heart.  I've visited several other online grief websites, but I must honestly say this one is the best.  

KayC - The article was so helpful and really made me look differently at things.  I very much appreciated it..  

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Francine---Even through your own heartache, you reach out and touch all our hearts. Blowing a kiss and hug your way!  ( I went through the last bottle of wine a couple days ago, otherwise I'd give you a toast).

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Thanks KMB

Here to toasting us all for the comfort and support we give one another. 

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I lifted a cup of coffee to you today Francine, not sure if it is quite a toast, but it was as close as I could come at the time.  Hoping you are making it through as well as possible,

Herc

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Herc,

Thanks for the toast.  Ups and downs are my ways these days; some days I'm OK while others, I am not.  Today, so far has been an Up day.  

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Francine---Keep trying to have those up days. Mine have been the opposite, but that's the roller coaster of grieving.

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I hope you all have a day with something good in it today.  Keep looking for it.  Sometimes people fail to recognize good because they're looking for spectacular.  Spectacular left, but good is still out there...somewhere, we have to look for and recognize it as such.

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