Members Lynneg75 Posted February 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 I lost my husband aged 48 five weeks ago. He fell downstairs and we found him in the morning. I cannot accept he has gone leaving me 41 and two young children. I try not to think about what has happened because I fear if I do, I dread the consequences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted February 28, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 Lynneg75, I know you are devastated by your loss. I know the words don't help, but I am so sorry. Everyone here knows the shock and pain you are going through. Please take care of yourself, and your children. Don't think too much about the future right now, just breathe and get through the next moment. Try to sleep when you can, eat what you can, drink water, and exercise if you can. You have found a place where there are caring people who have similar experiences, and are willing to listen. Hoping you find some comfort, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Meesh Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Lynneg75 I am so sorry for your loss, my partner died almost 3 months ago in the same way as yours, he fell down steps at our home, i was in bed when it happened and heard the fall, acting as quick as i could to phone emergency services it didnt save him, he was rushed to hospital, put on life support machine but died 2wk later, he never regained conciousness after the fall so please dont try think how and why it happened, because its torture, he was 55 and full of life, my true soulmate, this has been a great shock to you and like herc said try take care of yourself and focus on your chidren, life has been too cruel to us all and there just is no reason for any of it, please keep posting and reading its a great help knowing that we understand each other, losing our husbands, wifes or partners is a truly unique and cruel loss that only the people that have experienced it can understand, we are all here together just struggling along best we can, take small steps and do what you have to to get through, take care my thoughts are with you . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Lynneg75, I'm profoundly sorry for the tragic loss of your husband, there aren't any words to make this better, but I wish there were. I'm also truly saddened by this road you're now forced to take, its miserable, dark, and can be so, so lonely. Before anything, take care of yourself, your children will need you, more than ever, and you'll need every bit of strength you can muster. Please, if you have close family and/or friends, lean on them, TELL them how you feel, let them know, if they offer, what they can do to help, even the smallest of ways. From my personal experience (my wife, 42, passed unexpectedly Dec 31st, 2016) having loved ones around who understand, who are willing to do whatever needs doing, that will help immeasurably. If that's not an option, reach out to support groups, church or clergy or if you have a religious type support system, allow others to help. Post here. We may not be able to assist you "physically", but the people here have a wealth of, unfortunately, personal experience that they are more than willing to share. These are beautiful people, and whatever you need to say or vent about, this is the place to do it. No judgement, just compassion. I pray that you find some peace and perhaps a little comfort for you and your children, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Lynneg75----My heart goes out to you and your children in your loss of your husband, their dad. The shock, denial, and excruciating pain you all are in is devastating. Herc, Meesh and Andy conveyed much wisdom and encouragement. Just breathe. Take care of yourself and your children the best you can and lean on family and friends for everything else. Please, keep posting. We will listen, give you what comfort we can. Prayers and hugs to you and your children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members His Monkey Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Hello Lynneg75, we all know the dark days you're facing, we're there too. Please post and read as often as you feel the need. I honestly thank God for my two girls, they are often the only reason I get up in the morning. Please take gentle care of yourself right now, so you can care for your babies. They need you now more than ever, and you will find within yourself exactly what you need to do the job. I hope you have a peaceful night☺ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 15 hours ago, Lynneg75 said: I lost my husband aged 48 five weeks ago. He fell downstairs and we found him in the morning. I cannot accept he has gone leaving me 41 and two young children. I try not to think about what has happened because I fear if I do, I dread the consequences. My heart is broken by your loss. Words, however kind can't mend your heartache but know we share your loss and know your pain. I pray that your hard time pass away and that God gives you the strength to face this excruciating pain. I pray you find Faith and Courage; Faith in seeing light with your heart when all your eyes sees is darkness; and Courage in having the strength to go on even when you don't have the strength. No one but you knows how great your hurt is; no one but you can know the gaping hold left in your life when you lose someone so dear to you. And no one but you can mourn the silence that was once filled with laughter. Comfort comes from knowing that people have made the same journey and solace comes from understanding how others have learned to get through it. We are external beings. Death is merely an interruption, a temporary pause in our eternal progression which one day will seem small in the Joy that is awaiting us. I think the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. We will always try to fill the void, the emptiness that is left inside our heart when they to. Faith makes things possible, not easy. Be strong and courageous. God might let you bend, but he won't let you beak. I pray for God to watch over and protect you and for HIM to fill your heart with peace and comfort your soul. Blessing to you and to us all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Thank you for your kind words it does give some comfort knowing your not truly alone as you all understand the hole that is left in your lives. I keep thinking he is just away working and I'll see him again. I can't believe that I will never be able to speak or hold him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 It's so hard to fully accept a loss. My beloved passed on a month ago as well and I haven't been able to fully accept it either. I still expect her to call me or text me. I still expect her to tell me it's a sick joke or that some criminal had her locked up and faked her death. I still can't imagine an entire lifetime without her. I won't lie to you. It gets worse before it gets better. As the reality truly sets in you'll have some really hard days. For me, the reality slowly, slowly sets in a little more each day. Denial, hoping her to come back, expecting her to, is the defense our minds put up to avoid the harsh reality. But it won't work forever, and as you come to fully realize the truth it will hurt and hurt. Youll have moments of calm, you'll have times where you feel you're just fine. You'll have numb moments where you feel nothing. You'll have moments where all you can do is cry. The only advice I have for you is to embrace all of these feelings. Don't try to suppress or deny anything. The saddest and hardest part of death is the finality. It's not like you can wait for it to fix itself or try harder to bring them back. Death is the one thing that brings with it absolute irreversibility, there's nothing any one can do to bring our lost ones back. That is the hardest realization to come to. I am so sorry you have lost someone so dear to you. I know too well the pain of loss, my girlfriend of 6 years passed away a month ago, we had plans for our future and everything and it was all gone in a day. Do your best to care for yourself. Don't worry about anything not essential right now. For a while just waking up and eating will be an accomplishment. Try to feel good about the little victories - another day survived, another hour passed. The feelings of emptiness will never totally go away but as others say you hopefully learn to live alongside it. K am not there yet so I can't say, I barely make it through each day without going insane. But also know you'll never forget him. He will be in your heart for the rest of your life. If you do believe in life after death, you can also try to find comfort in the fact that someday you willl be reunited, and your love for each other will transcend this mortal existence and carry both of you into eternity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted March 1, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 1 hour ago, Lynneg75 said: Thank you for your kind words it does give some comfort knowing your not truly alone as you all understand the hole that is left in your lives. I keep thinking he is just away working and I'll see him again. I can't believe that I will never be able to speak or hold him again. I have found a lot of comfort in speaking to my lost love. I know it isn't the same. I will never hear her say anything to me in her sweet voice again, and that is crushing at times. I can however openly express my feelings for her, and know that through our whole relationship we never had anything but love for one another. Every single time I told her I loved, she told me she loved me too. As a result, when I tell her I love her now, I always follow it with "and I know you love me to", because it is true and I know it for a fact. It has helped a bit. The holding part is much trickier. There really is no substitute, or even a crude facsimile. I pet our cats, hug our daughter, hug family and friends, but nothing ever comes close. The hugs and petting are their own reward, and do help, don't get me wrong. Just the simple physical contact is healing in many ways, knowing that I am still connected and loved by people in ways beyond simple words. But there is nothing that comes close to the comfort and unity of holding Christine. Knowing that she would be with me through any problem, feeling the pride and joy in offering her safety and protection, being in the place that we both belonged more than anywhere else in the world. I don't know how to cope with that loss other than to just breathe to get through the moments of pain. Even while typing that last paragraph, the thought overwhelmed me, and I had to take a moment to collect myself. But I was able to get through it, understand the emotional state I was in, accept that those emotions are natural, and understand that feeling that, while painful is a good part of my life that clearly indicates how much in love we were, and the love we still have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 1, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Lynneg, I'm sorry you lost your husband, so young, for the tragic way you lost him. You must still feel in shock. My husband died unexpectedly, had just had his 51st birthday. It's hard to take in, it feels so surreal in the early months. Like you're in a bad nightmare you just want to wake up from. Taking a day at a time helped me because otherwise my anxiety would kick in full bore, I learned it wasn't good to look at the whole "rest of my life". One day was enough to get through. Take good care of yourself and be patient and understanding of yourself. It's important to give yourself good self-care even, especially, when you least feel like it. Take walks with your kids, fix something healthy to eat, remember to drink water. And breathe. I hope your family and friends are good support to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Death is so cruel it's robs you of everything good. It's just not fair why the good are taken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Meesh Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Lynneg75, life is cruel, on a daily basis we see horrible people walking around and our loved ones were taken and that is so hard to deal with, i get so angry all the time, i see happy couples and it makes me feel sick as to what ive lost, i hate it all, i hope you av lots of support, i find that helps and sometimes i just want to be on my own and curl up in a ball and shut out the world 3 hours ago, KayC said: Taking a day at a time helped me because otherwise my anxiety would kick in full bore, I learned it wasn't good to look at the whole "rest of my life". One day was enough to get through. Kay c, i like those words it makes sense to take a day at a time because the thought of a future without our loved ones is too much to bare, i will try to do that instead of thinking what could av been, whats the use in that, 4 hours ago, Herc said: I have found a lot of comfort in speaking to my lost love. I know it isn't the same. I will never hear her say anything to me in her sweet voice again, and that is crushing at times. I can however openly express my feelings for her, and know that through our whole relationship we never had anything but love for one another. Every single time I told her I loved, she told me she loved me too. As a result, when I tell her I love her now, I always follow it with "and I know you love me to", because it is true and I know it for a fact. It has helped a bit. Herc, i speak to him all the time, it gives me comfort, whatever helps us all get through a day, i wish peace, hope and comfort for us all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 I agree I speak to mark all of the time my kids think I'm mad, but this may sound crazy but I feel him here with us. I don't feel the need to visit his grave as once seeing mark before the funeral I knew that my husband wasn't in the coffin he is here at home with his family. I also have lost two baby girls and there is no words to describe how hard that was but I had mark and he had me and we got through it. But this I've got know soulmate to walk the path with. You are all amazing and strong you have to be to get through this dreadful time, I'm so grateful for finding this site. Thanks for the supportive words x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Lynneg75 Like others have said all we can do is take it one day at a time. When our beloveds were here, it was easy, even fun and exciting to think ahead to the future. We all wanted to spend the rest of our lives with our soulmates. We all expected that to be the case. Death has a way of taking your life, twisting it up, spinning it around and spitting it out backwards. Everything you planned for, hoped for, dreamt of, wished for is gone in an instant. Nothing you do has any feeling of meaning anymore. This is why we have to do it one day at a time. I find it's the only way I can keep some semblance of sanity. If I even think ahead to next month or the summer I freak out. I can't imagine that I'll be spending the rest of this year without her, let alone the next month, let alone the rest of my natural life. It's too much. But our minds have the capacity of "denial" for a reason, and this is one case where it makes sense to let ourselves "deny" the long-term stuff for now. I wake every morning and want to go back to sleep. I go to work every day and can't wait to get out of there because we worked together and it reminds me so much of her, but then I come home and am just as lonely and sad because she's no longer in my life. I lost my constant companion, the person I could talk to any time I wanted, the person who listened to everything I had to say no matter how off-the-wall and who laughed at my jokes, genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say, and loved me. I sometimes try to imagine that I can see my girlfriend in my head, and then I imagine talking to her. Sometimes it helps. Other times I write to her. Or if I'm alone I might talk out loud to her too. Maybe she hears me. She may not be able to answer me directly, but I at least hope she hears me. Maybe she's grieving just as I am. I read something somewhere asking "how do we know that all of our grief truly is our own...maybe some of our feelings are actually our beloved grieving for us being stuck here, for being without us on the other side..." Truth is we were very close to our beloveds, our souls intertwined, so it might even make sense to imagine that they would grieve alongside us on the other side... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 That's unbelievable what you have just posted the exact same words I said not a day earlier I said that I know mark will be sitting next to me as devastated and shouting why! he adored us all and would never have wanted this and he will be so sad and that makes me feel worse that I can't make him feel better and that I feel gutted for him as I have people here and feel so sad that he will be feeling as bad as me but with no support. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members His Monkey Posted March 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 I hope the place they went to doesn't know pain, loneliness, regrets, anger, guilt, or sadness. It helps me to think my sweetheart's only trouble might be that he sees how broken I am, but because he can't help, I hope it doesn't worry him. He might know something I don't yet...that we'll meet again one day. If I truly felt that way, my days would be brighter. Maybe then I could find some purpose besides survival. In time, I hope that happens for all of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 I understand and yes let's hope our loved ones don't need the pain we have as they have truly experienced more than we have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 55 minutes ago, His Monkey said: I hope the place they went to doesn't know pain, loneliness, regrets, anger, guilt, or sadness. It helps me to think my sweetheart's only trouble might be that he sees how broken I am, but because he can't help, I hope it doesn't worry him. He might know something I don't yet...that we'll meet again one day. If I truly felt that way, my days would be brighter. Maybe then I could find some purpose besides survival. In time, I hope that happens for all of us. I don't necessarily buy into the idea that the other side knows absolutely no pain or suffering. But what I do believe is that the other side is a place of enlightenment. Things that we question here for our entire lives make perfect sense there. So any pain or suffering can be put into context. Spirits over there can understand and embrace pain and cope with it with the understanding of the universe that we on Earth can only speculate and dream of. Even the fact that our loved ones may see our suffering and feel helpless to do anything to help us is a kind of pain. It hurts terribly to see someone you love suffer and not be able to do anything for them. But pain doesn't have to be bad. Hopefully even all of our own pain here will result in something positive for all of us. I can't see that yet. But I can hope that maybe someday I will find a way through. Right now, I still hurt immensely. I still feel my girlfriend's absence every single second of every single day. I still have so many unanswerable questions. I still haven't fully accepted her death, nor have I accepted the futility of life and the lack of control I truly have over the world or even my own life. But I am trying to embrace my pain, feel it, let it hurt, let it flow through me, let it do its thing. And I hope that, from the other side, my beloved is watching me, feeling the pain of being unable to help me, and at least trying to send some positive energy my way, so that I will eventually be able to move forward in my life without her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted March 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 I have no idea how the other side works. I can't say with certainty that there even is an other side. My beliefs lean strongly towards thinking it does though. Assuming it does, I have no idea what set of laws of nature it works under. Time is likely to be much different there if it exists at all. Without the boundaries of linear time, our loved ones may be able to travel backwards and forwards in time as we perceive it as easily as we walk to the kitchen. It is very possible, and I think even likely that from their perspective we are already reunited. If they can perceive this world without the boundaries of time, they could go back and see the moment we first met, our first kiss, even moments from before we met like seeing our childhood. They could watch us grow old and develop further as spiritual beings through our growth here on earth, excited to eventually (as we perceive it) be reunited and share in that growth. It is possible they don't even need to do this, that they just instinctively know what built our life, and the energy that defines us, be it our spirit, soul, whatever you want to call it. The next great adventure is likely to be spectacularly different than anything we can even comprehend. I think this why there is such earthly confusion over what it could be. Heaven, nirvana, paradise, all very vague concepts open to interpretation. Almost as though the concepts themselves are beyond what we can understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Herc, I hope you're right. I really do. I don't know any more than you or anyone else in this world if there is an afterlife for sure. Even those who have had NDEs (near death experiences) are not necessarily conclusive proof. If we apply our concepts of science, we have never been able to prove the existence of an afterlife. However, the way I see it, in the past we didn't have ways to prove a lot of things with the science available at the time, which we are able to prove today. Many popular science theories are actually relatively new, within the past few hundred years. Science does suggest that time and its passage is a fourth dimension, just like our three-dimensional world. The only thing is that in that dimension we do not have the ability to go backwards, nor do we have the ability to "stop" moving through time. However, interestingly, we actually can slow down time through the theory of relativity. Without getting too geeky, if you move very, very fast, time for you will go slower as compared to everything else. Theoretically, driving down the highway will mean that the rest of the world will be a tiny, tiny, tiny amount ahead of you in time. Maybe the spirit world exists on another level where travel through the fourth dimension is possible. Our own existence on this world, in this universe, is limited by physics to a point, but we have no idea what else is out there. Some people talk of the afterlife as being a place where you can go anywhere and to any time. So maybe you're right, maybe my beloved already is with me again in the future. Maybe she doesn't have to grieve because she can just "be" at the time where I pass on. Maybe this is where premonitions come from...? I also do know that it's possible there is nothing, that death is truly the end. But I think at least right now, that idea is going to be counterproductive, only hurt and depress me. One thing that's interesting to note is that almost all major world religions even going into antiquity have believed in an afterlife. Maybe it's just our immense need to believe that life doesn't end at death, but maybe there's something more to it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 16 minutes ago, Herc said: I have no idea how the other side works. I can't say with certainty that there even is an other side. My beliefs lean strongly towards thinking it does though. Assuming it does, I have no idea what set of laws of nature it works under. Time is likely to be much different there if it exists at all. Without the boundaries of linear time, our loved ones may be able to travel backwards and forwards in time as we perceive it as easily as we walk to the kitchen. It is very possible, and I think even likely that from their perspective we are already reunited. If they can perceive this world without the boundaries of time, they could go back and see the moment we first met, our first kiss, even moments from before we met like seeing our childhood. They could watch us grow old and develop further as spiritual beings through our growth here on earth, excited to eventually (as we perceive it) be reunited and share in that growth. It is possible they don't even need to do this, that they just instinctively know what built our life, and the energy that defines us, be it our spirit, soul, whatever you want to call it. The next great adventure is likely to be spectacularly different than anything we can even comprehend. I think this why there is such earthly confusion over what it could be. Heaven, nirvana, paradise, all very vague concepts open to interpretation. Almost as though the concepts themselves are beyond what we can understand. This is the general direction I was leaning in before my wife passed, now, I'm fully on board. I just except that the true nature of existence after our "passing" is more complex than we commonly imagine. I think pain, sadness, sorrow, are all things that are conceptualized, not internalized. My belief is that being in this "higher" state allows those who've passed on to "see" the truth of reality, to understand it in ways we cannot. They see the "big picture", they know the "whys" and the reasons. I talk to my Tracie everyday, I believe she listens, I believe it without question. Can I prove anything? No. I'm not trying to, I'm just expressing my view on the matter. I think it's rather comforting knowing that regardless of your particular belief system or spiritual leanings (assuming "you" have any), life does go on, just not as before. It still hurts like hell that my wife is gone, it still makes me cry and sob and question all of existence. I miss her so, so very much. But I think time is relative, so our waiting will be so much longer than theirs. Like I said, this is just a snapshot of how I perceive things, obviously not an expert. I'm not saying my thinking is remotely close to being right, I hope though it can bring a little comfort even if someone chooses to consider the possibility. Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 The only reason that afterlife talk doesn't really soothe me much is because, unless there's more than I am expecting, the afterlife will be a different world than this one. It will be better, maybe, but better is relative. Right now, I miss the everyday with my girlfriend. I miss eating at restaurants. I miss watching TV and movies together. I miss a lot of things that exist in this world. I miss bringing her her favorite foods and doing those little favors for her. I miss being there for her even for small trivial things that could only be issues in this mortal world. I suppose it's true, our relationship would evolve and change in another world. But one thing we always loved to do is relive old memories. Go to the same restaurants we used to go to a long time ago. Watch certain movies that evoked certain memories or feelings within us. Go places on this earth that gave us positive feelings. I feel like even if I see her over there, it'd almost be like starting over. She'd be the same person, but our environment would be completely new. We'd have to start anew. Maybe that's not a bad thing, but it means I still have to grieve the loss of our memories and our time in this world. Still hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Lynneg, At our grief group yesterday someone brought up, "Do you catch yourself talking to yourself all the time?" YES! I have a dog, the neighbors can assume I'm talking to him, but even so, I'm surprised they haven't had me hauled off by now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 fzald, I go on faith that the afterlife will be good, but I can't help but feel like you do too...I liked THIS life together! I liked our snuggling up watching t.v., me baking him sugarfree cookies (he was Diabetic). Just the little things in life were so good, sleeping curled up together. Visiting friends together. Taking a drive together. Watching it snow together. Everything together.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 KayC, I am still trying to organize my thoughts on all the earthly memories and I hope to write it all down at some point into a book. We can read and read and think all we want about the afterlife, we can all imagine exactly what we'd like it to be like, but none of us will truly know what it's like till we get there. They say that you'll meet your loved ones there and share eternity together, but what bothers me is that a very major part of our relationship was our shared activities, our shared experiences. We loved each other through the sharing and togetherness we experienced doing things in this life. If none of those experiences exist on the other side, I feel like our relationship, our love, would be somehow affected. Not gone of course, but very different, not even recognizable... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 I believe our memories will still exist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members His Monkey Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 I have no idea what happens next, but I hope it includes hearing his voice and holding his hand again. It varies day by day, but that's what I'm missing tonight. Someone who helped me with Greg's arrangements in those awful first days told me, as a cancer survivor herself, it's so important to love on people while they're here...we never know when that last chance to kiss and hug someone will be. I hope everyone here has someone they can love on tonight. And a pearl of wisdom from my daughter the scientist, as we were talking about the possibility of an afterlife this morning: we don't know $#!+ about $#!+, so who knows? I love how she sees all the unknowns as opportunities to learn and discover, rather than reasons for anxiety and frustration. That's my girl ☺ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 I never understood why people said a day at a time until now. I am hating the fact that reality is slowly creeping in day by day and I'm feeling the panic starting to rise. I'm dreading the days and weeks ahead. Being in shock and disbelief has a safety mechanism but it's beginning to slip. I'm frightened and unbelievably sad at what lies ahead x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Lynneg75, That's very true. The reason we do day by day is for our own sanity. It's all we're able to emotionally handle. Sometimes it even has to be hour by hour, minute by minute, when the grief and sadness are particularly strong. As someone who used to love to plan for the future, especially with her, this is new to me too, but yes, if I try to think too far into the future, even into next week, I get terrified and afraid, thinking of a long lonely life without her in it. The thing is it's true I'll never see her again, but the length of time is the thing that makes it all the more unbearable. It's not denial, it's coping, to avoid thinking of that for now. There's nothing anyone can do to take the pain away. All of us here would do anything if it were possible. All we have left is each other, those of us who survive our beloved's passing. That's what we have to hold on to as best we can, even though it feels pointless and empty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted March 3, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Lynneg, It does slip, and allow the grief to rush in, but the mind also does it in doses that we can manage, although at times we may feel we can't. Just allow yourself the time to get through the moments. Our bodies will keep going even when our minds can't figure out how. Be patient with yourself, and caring of yourself. Do what you can to make the moments easier. Keep some water handy, it always helps a little. As fzald said take it in whatever increment you can manage, minute by minute, or breath by breath. Hoping you find some comfort, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Is it normal to try and not think about him and what's happened just to get through a day because that's how I'm doing it at the moment I still don't have the final cause of death and waiting for the coronar Is going to be another two weeks just feel like I'm in No mans land it will be over 8 weeks since marks passing. I need some closure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Lynneg75, I don't think one ever gets "closure" from the death of a partner, or even any loved one for that matter. Closure implies that you have "moved on" and that you have left that part of your life behind. The truth is, our partners, our beloved soulmates, will never be left behind, nor should they be. We will carry them with us for the rest of our lives. Some of us may eventually choose to try to love again, some of us will not. But regardless, even for those of us who do, we will still carry the love we have for our beloved in our hearts forever. People die physically and their personality and their place in this world ends. But they live on through their loved ones, those who remember their lives and the great times and great things they did in their time here. Forgetting those things means our beloveds will truly die from this world. That is even sadder than their physical passing. Sometimes it feels like this, as people around you who weren't as close to your soulmate start to move forward with their lives. But you, YOU are the place where your beloved still lives, if only in spirit. Your memories, your time together. We feel so immensely over the loss, because we have lost a lot. But I at least would not trade one second I had with my girlfriend for anything. If I could live the whole thing again even knowing the outcome, I would do it without hesitation. At first I questioned whether it would have been easier to just never have met her. In some ways yes, that would have been easier, but it would also be a huge disgrace to what we shared. We shared a true relationship for 6 years, a love that many people only dream of. I could never imagine my life not having included her. For now though do the best you can as we've said. Take your time with things. Getting the final report will probably be another really difficult moment. Allow your feelings to flow, allow your grief to guide you. Sometimes it feels like grief is an enemy, a force to be dispensed with, but many will tell you that grief is actually your guide, it tells you how much you can handle and when to back off. When you feel the need to back off, do it. Your body and your grief are trying to help you through it. Listen to them. Hang in there, we're all here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Fzald you make so much sense I will never forget mark we had 20 years together but trying not to think about what has happened seems like a protective factor as thinking about it is just to raw. I talk about him all of the time to the kids but as if he still here. I agree I would live my time all over again with him even with the same outcome as we had an amazing time. It sounds like your relationship was as wonderful and you seek comfort from your memories. I do believe that grief is a guide I have never seen it from your perspective and thank you for that. I hope you get some peace . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted March 3, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 22 minutes ago, Lynneg75 said: Is it normal to try and not think about him and what's happened just to get through a day because that's how I'm doing it at the moment I still don't have the final cause of death and waiting for the coronar Is going to be another two weeks just feel like I'm in No mans land it will be over 8 weeks since marks passing. I need some closure I think it is very normal. I know I "zoned out" for about the first month at work. I went through the motions and did the normal things I had to, same for chores around the house, and even sometimes forcing myself to watch TV, or doing something "entertaining". I did it all in a kind of haze where I kind of saw it from outside, like another person was going through it, not actually me. Really what it breaks down to is that it is all normal. Grief does some pretty strange things to our heads, and our perception of reality. The shock wears off, but we still cling to denial, guilt, and misplaced anger. I didn't have any myself, but in rare cases I have heard of hallucinations. In the end, your grief is unique to you. Everyone here will understand and sympathize though. I agree with fzald in that we never get over our partners passing, but you may be able to get some closure on other issues. I didn't have to wait long for the coroners report, the doctor that performed it was a family friend and actually called me personally. That must be traumatic, waiting to hear on such an important thing through this difficult time. I am so sorry for you. It will happen though, remember one moment at a time, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 I think all of you that have returned to work as soon as you have are amazing. I am fortunate that I can have six months off, I'm a community nurse there is no way I can work and care for people. You are all incredible to grieve and have to process work as well. It proves how amazing and strong the human spirt can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Trust us, many of us struggle every day at work. You definitely are fortunate to be able to take time off, but at the same time it is a bad idea to hole up and do absolutely nothing for all that time. For some of us, work is a reason to get out of the house, even if it seems like a pointless reason. For me, returning to work has been extremely challenging because my girlfriend was also my co-worker. We spent hours together at work, and we would often stay in the office late just to hang out, talk, eat, watch movies... whatever. We were allowed to be here any time we wanted, we had 24/7 access to the building, and so it was often just convenient for us, and fun, to hang out at work late before going to one of our places or just planning to meet the next morning. I feel her absence every day at work. Every day, when the end of the active workday rolls around, I want to ask her what our supper plans are before I remember I can never ever ask her that question again. But yes, we may be strong, but we're still grieving. For me, work is not a distraction, it's a necessity, because there's bills to be paid. But even that feels worthless. Before, I felt like my job gave me purpose, I loved my job, I did everything with a drive behind it. Since she passed, my job is no longer a pleasure, I simply do it just because. I feel like I'm in a cycle, I work to get paid, to pay bills, to keep existing so I can work. Life has lost all meaning for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted March 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 Lynneg75----Our grieving is as unique to us just as our loved one was. Whatever we are feeling and experiencing is all normal. Personally, I don't care for the word *closure*. It means an ending. We will constantly miss and love our beloveds throughout our life. The coroner's report will give you closure on how Mark passed away. Depending on cause, it might raise even more questions and undue anguish for you. I sincerely hope not for your sake. In order for myself to function and get a few things done, I still think of my husband but I try to push aside the pain as well as I can. When I allow the pain to return, then I just try to flow with it. It is the loneliness that is hard to endure at times. Peace and comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 4, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 17 hours ago, Lynneg75 said: Is it normal to try and not think about him and what's happened just to get through a day because that's how I'm doing it at the moment Normal? Yes! Pretty much anything with grief is "normal"! However we can make it through this... Some people try to mete out their grieving in doses they can handle...if that works for someone, more power to them! We can't avoid it forever, it comes bombing in on us when we least expect it. We can't circumvent our grief, we can't push it aside forever, it will come looking for us and find us. In the early days, months, we are in shock, we are numb, that's our body's way of not giving us more than we can handle. I almost laugh out loud at that! I think we ALL feel we have more than we can handle. Yet we're doing it, somehow, maybe well, maybe lousy, but we're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 4, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 On 3/3/2017 at 1:22 PM, fzald said: I don't think one ever gets "closure" from the death of a partner I think "closure" is a misnomer. There is no closure. No answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members His Monkey Posted March 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 Closure is a bad word for me right now. I know what happened, I saw it all. To think I could ever box up my loss, my love, my beloved Greg and put it all on a shelf somewhere and walk away is absurd to me. I feel like my job is to bear it with as much dignity and grace as I can, and one day maybe I'll learn the lessons I'm meant to learn from this and become a better person for it. Who am I, if not Greg's girl? I don't know. And right now I don't want to be anything else, so I'm stuck. Treading water, crawling through each miserable day, wondering why I'm still here. I know he wouldn't want me to be like this, but it's all I can do today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 When I said I need closure I only meant with the coroner I need the report to understand and move forward. I will never want closure to mark and my thoughts and feelings I have. I think I may have misconstrued my post xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 But we should never box up feelings. For me I need to set feelings aside until my kids are in bed I need to be there for them to grieve even though there both in denial. In a nutshell grief is just a puzzle that will take as long as it takes for an individual to work through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted March 4, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 Lynneg75, I agree completely. Boxing up our feelings is only a time bomb waiting to go off. I do think holding them off until we are in a place, situation, or mindset where we can deal with them completely and productively is healthy and normal though. It is good to see you back, please give your children an extra big hug tonight. Hoping fitting the pieces together goes smoothly for you, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lynneg75 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 Herc Your wife will be so proud of you. If mark was in your position he wouldn't of been as strong as you. # I know your not feeling strong. But we are strong we are making it through each day maybe not achieving anything in real life. But in grief we are doing extremely well and those in grief understand that. Pat yourself on the back and thank your loved one for helping you through the mist and confusion xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 5, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 5, 2017 14 hours ago, Lynneg75 said: Herc Your wife will be so proud of you. If mark was in your position he wouldn't of been as strong as you. # I know your not feeling strong. But we are strong we are making it through each day maybe not achieving anything in real life. But in grief we are doing extremely well and those in grief understand that. Pat yourself on the back and thank your loved one for helping you through the mist and confusion xx I agree, George would have been lost. I was like his rudder, I don't know how he'd have made it if he'd had to figure out how to go on without me. I don't mean to say he wasn't capable, but I'm very happy he didn't have to find himself in this situation, I would hate for him to have felt lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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