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A year since my fiancee died..


Steve Cavanaugh

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Steve Cavanaugh

Hello. I am Steve.

I don't know why I'm here,in  this completely alien place. But I want to talk, if not talk atleast let go of some emotions and feelings and feel lighter perhaps.

Last year on Valentine's Day I lost my fiancee. She and I were more than your ordinary boyfriend and girlfriend. She was 26 when she died. and we had been best friends since we were 14 and we started dating when we were around 15-16. we'd been together as a couple, as best friends and as companions for 12 whole years.. but last year she died and my whole world remains shattered in front of me. it's not my first experience at grief.. when i was 15, i lost my best friend but that was different. i was younger, more resilient. a few years later my sister died. but at the time of all these losses she was there with me, my sophia. she picked up the pieces, she healed me. every time she was there. but last year she left me and went for good.. our wedding date was set for 29th april.. i don't know what overcame me. till after the funeral, i didn't shed a single tear. didn't feel a single tinge any time.. it's weird but her body being there comforted me. her physical presence comforted me.. after the funeral, i was a wreck.. no morning phone call. it was like each passing minute stabbed my heart so bad..

i am a doctor so i have enough to distract me. and people compliment me for being so brave. it's not easy to get used to life without a person who has been there for 13 years. but now i don't know what to do.. i guess i am here so i can find solace in her memories or maybe by just interacting with others who've suffered losses as well. because i don't want to rant to people who won't understand even though they'll try to.

so here i am, finding a method to cope..

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Steve,

Your beautiful Sophia passed far too soon.  It is one of our most painfully realities that at the time of our worst loss we also lose the one who could best help us through it.  I am sorry that you no longer have her to pick up the pieces and heal you.

There are many wonderful people here who will understand and listen.  I hope you find the solace you are seeking,

Herc

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Steven,

 

I'm sorry for your loss and know your pain first hand.  A couple of months ago, I lost the love of my life of nearly 45 years and it feels like only yesterday.  The pain is still there and as strong as it was the day he was taken from this earth.  It is so evident that you loved Sophia and from your post, she sounds like a wonderful women, no less than angel.  And that is what she was - an angel on earth. But the angel was called back home to God Almighty. Her assignment was complete - she was sent to love you - and that she did.   Know that the love the two of you shared will always be with you - it never leaves or dies.  You have had your share of grief but losing someone like your Sophia is devastating. I felt the same as you.   I too have lost many loved ones in my life and my Charles was always there for me, holding me up, comforting me, loving me.  He was my rock; without him, I could not have made it through - not in one piece.  Suddenly my rock was gone and I was left without even a pebble.  

Even though Sophia is not physically here, you will always have the memories the two of you shared together and that is something no one can ever take from you.  I wish you strength for today; comfort in the days ahead knowing how much she meant to you.

Nothing we have is because of luck or chance. It is all due to God's grace and favor.   Please believe that God's plan is always the best.  Sometimes we can't see it and the process is painful and hard. But don't ever forget that when God is silent, HE's doing something for you.  No matter what you are going through, you are blessed.  What has been initially intended to bring you down will turn around in your favor and God's glory.

 I pray that God gives you the strength, courage and love to make it through these difficult days.  Stay Strong and God Bless you, bless us all!

        

 

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Steve,

I am so sorry, any time is too soon but when people die young, it seems all the more unfair and wrong.  This is a good place to be heard and understood and it does help to have your feelings validated and know there are others going through similar experiences.  The two of you went through everything together and were a team, it affects every part of your life.  

I don't go for the "it was God's will" stuff, I've heard all the cliches and find them offensive, but after all I've been through I'm more of the theory that stuff happens rather randomly, not that someone singled us out for it.  (It's easier for me to believe in a loving God that doesn't purposely snatch the most important person in our life away.)  I'm sure there are a lot of different beliefs represented here and it's important to be respectful to those differences.

In the beginning, thoughts of my husband brought me immense pain, but over time it shifted to one of comfort and even a smile at the thought of him.  I can't tell you how long it took to shift, it's been years since he died and all of us handle things differently, but I want you to know that it does evolve, and it won't always evoke pain and tears, even though the missing them seems to continue on forever.

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Steven, Welcome to this site. I hope you find what you need from here, a listening ear, understanding, caring, comfort. None of us wish to be a part of this club, but we are. We find here what we are not receiving from those in our immediate lives. It's sad when family and friends drift away just when we need them the most. It is in the coming months down the road, when we are lonely, reality sinks in more. The pain is unending. I am sorry for the loss of your beloved Sophia and the future you were planning together. Life can be so unfair, but it is what it is. When life is going well, we never think that anything can go wrong. But, when it does, it is so painful, so unfair, so humbling.

No, it is not easy getting used to a life that does not include that special person we lost. We are lost without them, we don't know how to function like we used to. We are changed and our life has changed also. It is now complicated and overwhelming. All we can do is take one day at a time.

Please keep posting. There are wonderful souls here who give what they can amidst their own pain and loss.

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Steve,

Your story parallels mine in many ways. I started dating my girlfriend when she was 17, and she passed away a month ago at the age of 22, almost 23. We had been together for over 5 years. She, like your girl, was my soulmate, we grew and evolved together. We even had the privilege of going to college together and getting jobs at the same company. We were inseparable, we were always in contact even if we weren't physically together. Since she passed I haven't been able to see joy or happiness in anything. 

Like you I had lost a close best friend at a younger age. I also lost some close family members. But I was younger. Also when my dad and my grandmother passed my girl was there for me. She, like yours, was the one who kept me going through the grief. Now, in the worst grief of my life, she cant  be here. The one who could solve anything for me is gone forever.

It is completely unfair for someone to die young. 

Feeling numb or feeling nothing at first is common. For the first week, before her funeral, I didn't believe it. I wondered if it might have been a joke or someone starting an ugly rumor. The funeral was the sign of finality, the truth, that she is gone forever. Her death was very sudden, we spoke the last morning she was awake. She went into a coma and died five days later. 

It will be a part of you for the rest of your life. 

All we can do is learn to embrace the grief, move forward as best we can, and take the pain when it comes.

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Hi Steve, isn't it amazing, some of the things people say? Compliments for "being brave," when all we're doing is breathing in and out, going through the motions of working and living, all the while using every bit of energy we have to hold our broken pieces together until we make it home...when they fall apart once again. At least that's how it feels for me. Just had a crying jag, this last day of another month without my fiance. It doesn't seem possible. But the calendar does turn, the days slowly pass, and life does go on, I suppose...no matter how indifferent we are to it.

I hope you find some peace, and I know you're in good hands with the kind folks on here. 

 

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Sadaf Nazim
On 2/28/2017 at 5:56 PM, Steven J Cavanaugh said:

Hello. I am Steve.

I don't know why I'm here,in  this completely alien place. But I want to talk, if not talk atleast let go of some emotions and feelings and feel lighter perhaps.

Last year on Valentine's Day I lost my fiancee. She and I were more than your ordinary boyfriend and girlfriend. She was 26 when she died. and we had been best friends since we were 14 and we started dating when we were around 15-16. we'd been together as a couple, as best friends and as companions for 12 whole years.. but last year she died and my whole world remains shattered in front of me. it's not my first experience at grief.. when i was 15, i lost my best friend but that was different. i was younger, more resilient. a few years later my sister died. but at the time of all these losses she was there with me, my sophia. she picked up the pieces, she healed me. every time she was there. but last year she left me and went for good.. our wedding date was set for 29th april.. i don't know what overcame me. till after the funeral, i didn't shed a single tear. didn't feel a single tinge any time.. it's weird but her body being there comforted me. her physical presence comforted me.. after the funeral, i was a wreck.. no morning phone call. it was like each passing minute stabbed my heart so bad..

i am a doctor so i have enough to distract me. and people compliment me for being so brave. it's not easy to get used to life without a person who has been there for 13 years. but now i don't know what to do.. i guess i am here so i can find solace in her memories or maybe by just interacting with others who've suffered losses as well. because i don't want to rant to people who won't understand even though they'll try to.

so here i am, finding a method to cope..

Hi Steve

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story resembles mine a lot. I lost my fiance almost 3 months ago. He was 24. We were bestfriends for 14 years. Dating from 8 years. I am 23. We were about to get married soon. 

I don't know what to tell you. This loss has left me so devastated. I understand what you mean when you say that you didn't cry at first. It happened to me too. It's because of the shock and denial. But that was a lot less painful. Once the numbness fades away, the reality sets in. The reality that they are not physically here. For me, my pain is increasing with time. And now, I don't even feel like sharing it.

I am so sorry. I don't have any advice or words of comfort for you. But I am here with you. 

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your fiance. My husband passed away from leukemia complications just several months ago. October 20th 2016 to be exact. He was only 22. 

I still wake up every time after I sleep, day or night with the reality setting in all over. I hate that he is gone. He's left behind our three year old daughter. I am still angry about a lot of things. I'd get over the anger for a little then it hits me all over again. I find myself thinking maybe it was this or that. What could I have done differently. What could the medical staff have done differently. So many...

I will never ever have closure or anything to fill the void that's left. I can only hope that I can carry on day by day for our little girl. It hurts immensely to hear our daughter ask and cry for her daddy. 

No one really understands my grief in real life. I always end up here when I get those grief attacks. 

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