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Almost 7 years now


nick9c

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I've never posted to this forum, but it will be 7 yrs on March 3 that I lost my son who was a month old.  My son and daughter were twins born too soon at 25 wks of age.  They were 1 lb 14 oz, and 1 lb 10 oz, respectively.  While my daughter was going through open heart surgery, my son was tagged by the NICU docs as the healthy one.  However, one day after my daughter's heart surgery, my son developed Necrotizing Enterocolitis in the NICU.  We rushed to the NICU that afternoon and by 2 am the next morning, he passed in the arms of my wife and I.  That was the most awful, horrendous day of my life - nothing could ever be worse.  The first year was a very difficult one, and as my daughter has grown, I've been able to place a lot of my grief in her development.  But for whatever reason, the last month has been really difficult.  I think some of it stems from the fact that my daughter often asks about her brother or will tell me she sees him at night, or dreams about him.  When she asks, sometimes I don't know what to say out of fear that somehow I might say the wrong thing.  She is super sensitive and often gets upset about being an only child.  This in turn upsets me, and I begin to think is there anything I could have done or changed?  Today, I was at work, and people were going on and on about petty things that have no bearing in life.  I think losing a child changes you forever - I am by far a better person, but the pain never goes away.  There are times when I just have to isolate and be away from everyone.  I struggle and wonder what he'd look like today, how we'd play ball together, how he would laugh with his sister, how he'd love his parents....these thoughts hurt more than anything and go right to your heart.  Does the pain get easier?  No.  Am I better able to cope? Usually, but there are times like now where it's still very difficult.  There will always remain a huge hole in my heart that will never heal.  i know I'm blessed with a beautiful daughter, but it doesn't make it any easier.  There are days I wish I were on the other side to hold his hand where we could walk as father and son.  

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Hi Nick the photos of both your children are lovely. I am so sorry you lost your son. I used to work in the NICU and know how tragically NEC strikes premature babies. It is one of many severe complications that immature babies suffer with. I have seen for myself the close bond that twins and multiples have so it does not surprise me that your daughter dreams of her brother and I am sure that comforts her. I don't think you can say anything wrong, just hug her and tell her you love both of them and that you miss her twin too. You are correct that there is a hole in your heart that never heals and we all have times sometimes many months or years on when we struggle again with feelings and emotions we thought had been resolved. Plainly speaking we love our children and we have missed out on a big part of their lives ,and the future they should have enjoyed was snatched away.. I am glad you found your way here to our group, we will understand and try and find ways to help you heal. The thread Loss of an adult child is the most active group and is open to anyone who has lost a child whether it was a baby, toddler teen or adult child. it is easier to keep us all together on that thread but if you prefer you can still post here. We do have other parents who have lost babies that you may find a connection with, and we all have the common bond of losing our child/children, having our family forever altered and the loss of a future with our child. We have walked and still walk in the same shoes as you, and it takes courage and strength to reach out for a little help.

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sorry I am on a learning curve with inserting quotes so it posted twice!

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Tommy's mom ~

could u e mail me the paragraph on dealing with loss 

rainie1964@gmail.com

could not forward or 'save' to pictures

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Tommy's mum - Thank you for the kind words.  Today is the anniversary of his passing so I know it will be tough.  We will do a balloon release later in the day with our daughter.  

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Tommy's mum

I will be sending caring thoughts with you and your family today which will be a really tough one. But look, here you are still going after 7 years, and seeing your daughter growing up healthy after her traumatic start in life is a gift in itself. Bittersweet memories though I understand, however you and I still have other children some parents are not as fortunate as we are in that respect. i hope you are doing ok.

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