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I can't process his death I don't want to believe or accept it even though I have visited the chapel of rest and buried him. It's been five weeks since he passed. I'm trying hard for my kids but feel if I accept he's gone I won't cope. Is this normal. I am only 41 and he was 48 I went to bed with him and woke up to him dead at the bottom of the stairs. Our poor kids x

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Lynneg, I sympathize and am sorry for your loss. Today is the six month mark from when I awoke to find my wife. She'd suffered a ruptured cerebral aneurysm and passed away during the night. She was 40, I am 48.

I don't know how long it took me to accept this loss. For a long time, I would wake up each morning unaware of what had happened, only to suddenly remember that she's gone. For a long time, I'd anticipate her coming through the door each evening, only to remember that that's never going to happen again. I can't say how long it took to process, but now, it is only every once in a while that I'll catch myself anticipating her arrival, only to remind myself of the truth once again. Those moments have become more infrequent as the weeks and months have passed. I guess that's a good thing.

I can say that at six months, I'm getting through each day intact. I get up and do what I have to do, and that is all. I have two daughters that, in all honesty, are the only things keeping my going. If it weren't for them, then basically everything worthwhile in my world would have disappeared with my wife. Until I lost her, I truly had no idea how much I'd taken for granted. I'm no longer a husband, or a best friend, or a lover. Now I'm just a dad, and that is all I'll ever be, and it will have to be enough. Nothing else seems to matter.

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Lynneg, as my loss was in the same circumstances as you i worry too much about accidents happening, i am nervous on any stairs now, i am always telling my children to be careful when they are on nights out or driving about because as we know our life can be changed forever in a split second, so cruel, so senseless, so unimaginable the pain that we are all aving to endure without our soulmates.

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4HDad,

I'm glad to hear that you have made progress. I wish I could be where you are, where I don't still constantly wish or hope or expect her to call me or show up at work. I wish I could be where I can get through the day intact, without having to take half of the days off from work. I am also glad you have children to help keep you going. Sadly I was not at that point with my girlfriend so I don't really have anything she left behind to keep me going other than her memories. I do feel like everything worthwhile disappeared for me. Like you though, I realize in her death the things I took for granted and find myself feeling guilty for that reason alone. I try not to let guilt consume me, but I do sometimes find myself realizing just how unimportant some of our arguments were. I would have given anything for her to still be alive, even if it meant conceding to her some of the issues we argued over. 

Meesh,

It's really hard. We have to be careful not to worry too much, because the truth does remain, and it's been so cruelly proven to us, that life can end in a split second with no warning and without a logical reason. Crossing the street can get you killed. Driving can get you killed. Taking a shower can kill you (if you slip). The fact is we have to live our lives. My girlfriend died while living her life. She wasn't doing anything of high risk. But she was living life. She didn't die in fear in the corner afraid to leave the house, she died out in the world enjoying life. Of course it's all but impossible for most of us to enjoy life right now, but we still have to try to live, even though it seems pointless.

Lynneg75,

Sudden death is, to me, the most unfair kind of death, at least for the survivors and grievers. The thing is, a lot of people, myself included, say that we'd like our death to be sudden and unknown to us. I have always said the way I want to die is in my sleep with no knowledge it's coming. Ironic that the death we feel would be ideal for ourselves is also the worst kind of death for those left behind. Sudden death gives you no time to prepare, to process, to consider the implications of the death, to say last words, to put your affairs in order. Your entire world changes in the space of an instant. My girlfriend's death was as sudden as they come, one moment she was asking me questions about work, and the next moment she was unconscious, never to awaken again, and passed away a few days later. There was no time to even consider how we would handle her death, I mean why would we, she was only 22. I lost my other friend to cancer also at age 22, but he had a year-long battle, so we did have that time, no matter how much we didn't want to have to, to talk and discuss and prepare ourselves for his death. He went through the grief stages himself, and had reached a point of acceptance; I think this actually helped the rest of us accept, because he had made peace with his death, accepted that it was his fate and said his final goodbyes to all of those he loved. With my girlfriend, death was the farthest thing from her mind. She was planning to travel the world with me. We discussed having a family. We wanted to live together, get married, grow old together. She had no reason to consider death, and yet it came for her without any warning. Sudden death really is the worst...

I hope that you can find the strength to be there for your kids. Don't try to force acceptance, but don't actively try to stay in denial either. Let feelings happen. Let your emotions do their thing. Sometimes you'll want to cry - do it. Sometimes you'll feel nothing - let that be the case. Sometimes you'll feel angry - vent your anger (in a healthy way). Sometimes you'll feel completely helpless and lost - just let those thoughts happen. Sometimes you'll need to take a day and just be alone or just do nothing - do it. Just make sure your absolute basic needs are met - food and water mostly, and as best of sleep as you can manage. 

Nobody should have to die young. It's not fair. It's bad enough when we humans do stupid things to each other, but it's even more unfair in a way when someone dies young naturally. It feels like the universe was cruel and stole the life away from someone who was so happy and full of life. There will never be any answers in this lifetime. Maybe once we make it to the other side, if there is another side, we'll know. But until then, we just have to grieve, and it will hurt, a lot. 

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I can only say Amen to all that you wrote, fzald.  My heart goes out to all of you.

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On 2/27/2017 at 3:32 PM, Lynneg75 said:

I can't process his death I don't want to believe or accept it even though I have visited the chapel of rest and buried him. It's been five weeks since he passed. I'm trying hard for my kids but feel if I accept he's gone I won't cope. Is this normal. I am only 41 and he was 48 I went to bed with him and woke up to him dead at the bottom of the stairs. Our poor kids x

I know, it's so hard to accept this new reality.  It's been 3 months in for me and I'm still trying, in my mind, to accept it.   I know how devastating it is for you and the children, but that your lives are richer, fuller and loving because he lived and loved.    You can expect to be flooded with various emotions; they may fluctuate but in time, they will become stable again. This is perfectly normal.   Seek counseling if you feel it's necessary. Not everyone will need counseling, but  for me, it works well.  Grief opens a place in our hearts that we never knew could hurt so deeply, but it also opens this same place to a love we never imagined possible.

I pray that God gives you the strength to get through this most difficult period. God Bless and Keep Strong.

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