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2 weeks ago today I lost my hubby


Sharyn01

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I am going completely insane. I know that this is probably normal but I dont know what to do or who to turn to. My family and friends that were here the first few days have gone back to their lives and now I am so alone. I been trying to find a support group locally but I live in a very rural area and I am weary of driving any distance at the present time. So where is there to turn? I found this site and hopefully can find some solace in I am really not alone.

This really is a horrible horrible state to be in. One that I am not used to or accquainted with. I have never felt this kind of pain and turmoil. My heart cant take anymore.

Thanks for reading this. I am just hoping this doesnt last forever because Im not sure I can deal with it that long.

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Sharyn01,

We have all felt your pain and turmoil.  I know the shock of my loss in the first few weeks made me feel as though I were losing my mind.  Friends and family going back to their lives can leave you feeling abandoned, and even when you do have them, it can be hard to relate with them because your grief is unique to you.

A support group is a wonderful idea, when you are ready to pursue that.  I have felt some changes in the horrible state we are in, and have had some moments of peace.  It is also very much an up and down experience, one minute you can experience clarity and comfort, and the next you may be grief stricken.  Do not worry about that for now, your grief will progress as it is meant to.  For now just care for yourself.  Breathe, eat what you can, sleep if you can make yourself, drink water, and go for a walk.

It won't stay the same forever.  It won't go away, but it will change.  We may not be with you physically, but we all unfortunately know the pain you are going through.  Wishing you peace and comfort in the most difficult of times,

Herc

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Sharyn,

All of us on this section of the board have felt the absolute intense pain of losing the love of our lives. It hurts. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. Sometimes it will feel unreal, like you will still expect him to call you or walk in the door. Sometimes you will feel life is not worth living. Sometimes you will want to give up. You might find you feel nothing is worth it, no matter what you can accomplish, it's pointless without the one you love.

These feelings are all normal. Don't try to avoid them. Feel them, embrace the pain as they say. It hurts terribly, but everything I've read and heard suggests that we actually need to feel pain in order to proceed through the grieving process. Trying to drown it out by throwing yourself into something may be a temporary band-aid but your emotions will win out in the end and you will have to grieve. 

It's not fair. It's never fair when the person we love most is taken from us, for any reason, sudden or not. I personally lost my serious girlfriend of 6 years only a little over a month ago. I have had every possible emotion since then. Sometimes I can't stop crying, other times I can't feel anything, other times I feel like it's unreal, other times I feel like life isn't even worth living. The only option I have is to ride the waves. I want to get off the ride, I just want the nightmare to end and for all of this to be a joke or a bad dream, but I'm stuck. 

Like Herc said, try your best to at least take care of your basic needs. But also, realize that you are injured. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. Allow yourself to feel the pain. If you work, take time off if you need to. Anything that's not urgent can wait. If you need to go to bed early, do it. If you need to sleep in, do it. If you need to indulge a little in some comfort food, do it. Eating anything is better than nothing right now. I am only five weeks into my loss, but it is still as fresh as the day it happened, in fact it's worse because some of my denial has started to fade and I am starting to face the truth, the reality that for the rest of my mortal life I will never again see, talk to, hold, touch the girl I love, the one I intended to spend my entire life with. 

Your life will change forever from this day. I won't lie to you and say this will be easy. It will be hard. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever live through. I'm sorry you don't have easy access to a support group and yes, I would say you are probably making a good choice not to try to drive long distances yet. But we can be here for you on this board. None of us know exactly how you feel but we do all know the intense feelings of loss, and we are all here to help each other. I wish that everyone here was here under different circumstances, but sadly, we are here, and so the best we can do is help each other, care for each other, and support each other through these horrible, unimaginable times.

 

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Sharyn01----I am extremely sorry for you and the loss of your hubby. I referred to my husband by that that word also, when talking about him. A term of endearment and I miss so much saying it. I live in a rural area also. Resources are hard to come by when you have a distance to drive. I have access to a support group that meets once a month at a hospice office 20 miles out and it is at night. Out of my comfort zone, ( night time driving), but I force myself to get out, just for the interaction with others dealing with loss.

It's hurtful when family and friends go back to their lives. It is in the following weeks, months ,down the road when you need them the most. As time goes on, the shock, the denial, wears off. Then comes acceptance. That is a biggie. Takes a long time for that word to filter through the chaos,pain and brain fog. I still have not fully accepted my husband being gone, permanently. How can that be? How could my soulmate be here one minute and gone the next? Even though he had health conditions and physical limitations, he was still actively involved in life, helping others right through his last day.

It might feel like you are going *insane*---- it is the all-consuming pain and loneliness that makes you feel that way. You don't know where to turn or what to do. All we can do is breathe. Just focus on breathing. One second, one minute, one hour, one day, at a time. I'm going to repeat what Herc and fzald have said, take care of you. I've had many days, still do, where I didn't shower, laid in bed, crying, let minor things slide.I take care of the necessary things but I let a lot go to the back burner for now. A lot of life now is overwhelming. Things that used to never bother in dealing with can be overwhelming. Just take it slow and easy. There is really nothing that important in this life except you taking care of you.

This forum has become my life line. I have no one in my life to share my feelings with. There are many wonderful, caring, understanding people here. I sincerely hope you find some comfort and peace here. Hugs to you.

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KMB and everyone else,

It's definitely true, that one of the hardest points in time of grief is when everyone else reverts back to their day to day lives. Immediately following a death, everyone will be there for you, people will come by and help you, hug you, let you talk and talk and talk, let you cry, support you in all sorts of ways. But the truth is, for us on this board, we are the ones who had that close personal relationship. We are the ones who feel the loss most immensely. Anyone whose life your beloved touched will grieve, but every book on grieving I've read says that grief differs based on many things, but one of those is the relationship and the degree of it that the person shared with the one who has passed. In other words, your friends, your family, your co-workers, people like that...They may have been a part of your beloved's life, but you and only you were their "soulmate", their partner, their companion, their best friend. So you and only you will grieve so intensely.

Things at work have gone back to normal. Her desk is cleaned out. The flowers are gone. Her picture was taken down from the staff board. Her name is gone from our computer systems. If you didn't know better, it'd look like she just moved on to another job. Sometimes it even does still feel like that for me, that she's just gone temporarily. Like she's on a trip overseas for the next month or year or whatever and someday she'll come back and everyone will welcome her back with open arms. I know it's not true logically, but my emotional mind still can't fully accept this.

My mom was very supportive at first, she really liked my girlfriend a lot and said she even already saw her as part of our family, even though we weren't married yet. She said she fully expected us to get married and for her to become part of our family for real, so why not start now? My mom always included her in things, talked to her like a best friend, and her and my mom had a relationship that I'd argue was better than her with her own mom. But even now, my mom has gone back to her life, and rather than talking about how much we both miss her, she's moved to more of the "life goes on" statements. I know that my mom doesn't like to see me hurt this much, but telling me that life goes on is no comfort at all to me right now. My life doesn't feel like it's going to go on. It doesn't feel worth it. It doesn't feel like I have any reason to keep going sometimes.

I am glad this forum exists. This is one place where people who are dealing with this horrible state of reality can go to actually be listened to, validated, understood, empathized with, even months into the tragedy. I myself am only one month in. It feels like a drop in the bucket compared to some of the folks on here, several months or even years into their grief. I know that I'd like to be OK, but I also know that I can't just be OK, I lost a huge part of me, a large part of me died with her and is now with her on the other side, waiting for me to rejoin her. 

Keep posting and keep talking. I wish we could make it better for everyone on here, but at the least, keep talking and know that people will not judge you here.

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Sharyn01

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband; few events in life are as painful as the death of your spouse and you may be uncertain if you will survive this overwhelming loss or even want to.   I too lost my husband of nearly 45 years and I still feel the pain as if was just yesterday.  Still feel the numbness, the shock, the disbelief. You are about to enter a journey that can often be frightening, overwhelming and very lonely.  

Like yourself, my husband was my companion, my best friend; my life, my world and without him, nothing will ever be the same.   I felt (and if I'm honest with myself still do) confused and disoriented; after all  I lost a part of yourself.  Actually half of me died that day.   Feeling a little disoriented is natural when you lose someone you love, lived with and depended on.  Such a loss will affect your head, heart and spirit so expect a variety of emotion as part of your grief. Grief is sometimes like an ocean, it comes on waves that are ebbing and flowing.  Sometimes the water is calm and other times its overwhelming.  All we can do is swim through it.  While you are mourning the loss of your husband, the angels are rejoicing his spirit which is back home in heaven.

 The weight of his loss will never go away, but you learn to how to carry it.  You will make it through this excruciating pain; Pain makes you stronger; fear makes you braver; and heartbreak makes you wiser.  The pain you are experiencing today, is developing the strength you will need for tomorrow.  Remember the happiness he brought to your life and the memories you made together.  May every sunrise holds more promise, every moonrise holds more peace.

I pray that God gives you comfort on difficult days that will come; sunsets to warm your heart when it beaks; faith so that you can believe GOD is in control; confidence when you doubt and love to complete your life.  I'm sorry you had to come to this website, and I hope when you fill the need, you'll come back.  If and when you do, know that we are all on this grief journey together and are here to comfort, encourage and uplift one another.   Stay Strong and God Bless you, bless us  all!

      

 

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Sharyn,

I am sorry for the loss of your husband.  I, too, live in the country and it's about 60 miles to the nearest support group so I didn't attend one.  I joined a grief site on line and have been there nearly 12 years, and have learned a lot on this journey.  I finally felt ready and started a grief support group in my area, the first one here.

The others are right, our grief is forever, but it does not stay the same, it is ever evolving.  It won't stay at the intensity that you are feeling right now, thank God, we couldn't handle it if it did, but you will always miss him.  Little by little you will learn to adjust, even though you probably doubt that at the moment.

Take good care of yourself, eat something healthy, take a walk, drink some water, it helps your brain have optimal chance of getting through this.  Your grief journey will be ongoing, so don't let anyone tell you you need to "move on" or "get over it", some well meaning people that don't have a clue are good at saying totally inappropriate things to us when we're grieving.  Respond with "I need to handle this my way, thank you." 

While others miss him, no one will be affected quite the same as you as he was part of your everyday life, and it affects every aspect of your life.  Pretty much whatever you feel is normal, grief pretty much travels the gamut.

It helps to be heard and understood and this is a good place to do it.  I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post!

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Thank you everyone. I have had to deal with paperwork and stuff that has to be done regarding his death today. It just seems so surreal to look at that paper that says Death Certificate with his name and dates on it. I also found that one of the meds he was given at the hospital could of potentially of been what caused his death. And that is driving me even crazier. Lord, help me get through this because I honestly don't know how I am going to. All these if onlys, what ifs....its driving me nuts. I also have that guilt thing going on, even though everyone, rescue personnel, doctors, friends and family all say there is nothing I could of done, how do we know that with any certainty?

I keep reminding myself of the talks we had about our deaths, and his one rule was not to sit around crying all the time. Well I try to not think so the tears dont come. I try to think he is at work and he is pulling long hours and he will be home eventually, but deep down I know this isnt so and then it just takes my breath away. I know this cant last forever and I know that some day its got to be over.

i love that man with everything I am or will ever be, and I can't believe that when it comes down to it, I will never see the one person who I know without a shadow of a doubt, loved me to his death as he promised. I just cant fathom that this is where I am, him totally gone and me left behind. Although truth be told, I dont think he could of handled it if it was the other way around, and I went before him. I keep thinking at least all the demons that he fought for so long are now gone but then I wonder if thats even true.

Once again, thanks for listening to me. I do so appericate it. I just now this week was able to turn my computer on and start doing things that I used to do, even though there is no real joy in any thing I do these days. I do what I have to do and not much else right now because I feel its just to much for me. I know I need to get my act together enough to clean my house because its been so neglected for the pass few months, with my surgery in Dec, his in Jan and then him getting sick and passing away. I just dont feel like it! Hopefully that will change, when I am in a better place.

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Sharyn01----This is overwhelming and agonizing, isn't it? Our common ground here is grieving for a person who was our everything. The whole nitty, gritty, pain of grief. What it does to  us, how it makes us feel. You sound like me, trying to get our act together to clean the house. I've been neglectful for the past 3 years with a lot of things. Taking care of my husband was my priority before he passed. I mean I vacuumed, did the dishes, etc but a lot of clutter built up. And now since my husband has been gone, I've done very little. It's hard to find the motivation, the energy. This afternoon I forced myself outside. Filled the bird feeder, walked around. I thought the fresh air would help. I ended up in our garage having a crying jag. Actually, that helped me more than the fresh air at that time. My husband didn't like seeing me cry. He was a *fixer*, a problem solver. But he's not here to *fix* it. The need to cry had been building since I got up this morning. I try to be strong for my husband, but, darn it, you have to let it out.

Keep posting Sharyn. We are either in the same phase or have been through it. There is nothing off limits in expressing. Some of us are completely alone in our grieving and this is a good, comforting place to come to.

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Sharyn,

I know that surreal feeling with the paperwork.  The way the finances and everything have worked out, I am giving everything to my stepdaughter.  That is what Christine would have wanted, to help her baby through this time in whatever way possible, though of course money can't fix any of the issues.  At the lawyers I had to sign a Renunciation of Interests document to make that happen.  Within all the legal mumbo jumbo, one of the lines started off "I waive all rights as husband...".  I did the right thing to make sure my wife's wishes, and my daughters future were both protected, but sitting, staring at that line was absolutely horrifying.  I had already lost her, and now I had to give up my rights as a husband.

The what ifs are horrible.  Our mind gives us shock, and guilt, to try to protect us, but it sure has a disruptive way of doing it.  I haven't felt any guilt over it in a while.  I know I did everything I could with the information I had available at the time.  I know I didn't want this, in fact I would do anything to be able to go back and stop it.  I know I loved and still love her, and that she wouldn't blame me for any of it.  As another member of this forum said in another thread, I am hurting badly enough already, I don't need to pile any more pain on top of it.

As for rules, be as kind to yourself as possible is the only one I try to work with right now.  When I need to cry, I cry.  I'll usually go somewhere private, but if I can't then whoever is around will just have to cope with it, I have enough to cope with, without worrying about them.  I know you talked about it with your love, but you two probably didn't know then what this actually feels like.  I know I didn't.  As for the cleaning, I would say do it when you feel like it.  A clean environment will probably lift your spirits a little, but forcing yourself to do it when you don't want to is counter productive.

Thank you so much for sharing, I knew there was something about the paperwork that had been tickling at the back of my brain and I wanted to express it.  I think just saying some of this stuff, getting it out in the open, to wonderful people that understand what we are going through helps so much,

Herc

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When we talk about "what if one of us dies" we can't possibly know how it'll feel when the time comes, so don't worry about your brave talk of not sitting around crying.  Truth be known, if it was you gone instead of him, he'd be crying too.  It's not something we can help, when the tears well up, we must let them out so they don't choke us.  The day will come when they will dry up for the most part, but until then, let yourself cry freely...always you will miss him.  The grief continues but it evolves and doesn't stay the same in our grief journey so don't think the rest of your life will be like it is this day.  I know it's hard to imagine anything ever seeming any better, but we do adjust little by little to the changes it means for us...the only part that seems to stay the same is our missing them, that continues throughout our lives.

The what ifs are part of our early grief journey, I think it's our way of trying to find a different outcome, but eventually we realize there is no outcome but the one we have.  I'm sorry you have the added complication of knowing his death might have been needless.  Have you talked to the doctors involved to see what they have to say?

As Herc said, it's so important to treat yourself patiently and kindly, being understanding of yourself, and giving yourself self-care, eat something healthy, drink some water, take a walk, it gives your brain optimal chance for making it through this, so this is important even when you don't feel like it, which you probably won't.

The paperwork and legalities are so hard to get through at a time when you feel least able to deal with it, it's unfortunate.  Somehow we make our way through even this.  You've found a good place to be, there are caring understanding people here.

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Hello everyone I'm new here just looking for someone to let off steam with. My partner of 23years died tragicly on 7th Jan this year. Day before his 41st Birthday. I don't have any family support his family have turned there back on me. We have 2children 23,&11year old.Im currently work 7days a week to keep us in our home. Just feel so exhausted mentally and physically. My partner and I had solid relationship. He been porley since May last year due to doctor not coming out to him on number of occasions he developed other health issues slip into a diabetic coma he stopped breathing. I had to resusated him until help arrived then he was on machines where they diagnosed cancer no longer breathing himself. I had to turn machines off the following day. I died that day too. We were childhood sweet hearts I don't see light at end of my tunnel. So alone. Scared. Getting into big financial troubles. Paying for everything. Partner worked same company for 23years threw out his 28wks off Ssp basic they were awful to him. They dismissed him 1st Dec without any notice pay. Just hurts how someone can treat a person whom given there life to there work. So badly. Who do you turn to when you have no one. I do have few friends that I see when at work but I would not burden my troubles on other people. I've been to the doctors twice but won't give me anything to help me sleep yet. Need to get my mind in a better place but just cannot get myself out this dark sadness hole am trapped in. Is this normal. Just bit support from his family would helped me.To be able to talk over the phone. They don't answer if I call. Not visited once other than the funeral. Are they blame me. I wonder. I was only one there take care of him. Make him smile when everyone was at him tell him to man up get back to work.He was my world. My children seem to be coping ok for now. Just me everyday the same as yesterday 

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Whew what a day yesterday. First time I had to do manual labor like that in a long time. We had some crazy storm roll thru here night before last and the creek overflowed severely. My cousin and I spent from 8am until 5pm just trying to clear the township culverts here on my property to keep the damage down. Needless to say there is alot of damage. Im not sure how we are going to fix alot of it because we didnt have flood insurance. The houses survived, its the driveways and my pasture area. Last night we had horrible winds and I am honestly afraid to go outside and see what damage that brought.

On the bright side, I was so busy that I was tired enough that I was asleep within 3 minutes of laying my head down on the pillow. And I didnt have to do anything pertaining to MIke's death. Although I am probably going to have to go do that today. I have to get with the life insurance guy and find out what part of the policy they are contesting (we upped the insurance value on our policy, in July 2015 and Mike passed before the 2 year contestability clause had passed). And I am going after his medical records to take to the attorney so we can decide what way we need to approach his estate paperwork. So I am pretty sure today is going to be an even more emotional day then I have lately.

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Zoe Jane

I am so sorry for your loss but feel your pain..  I too lost the love of my life of over 44 years and it feels like only yesterday.  It is apparent that you loved him, and he you. Try to remember that he did not just died, but that he lived and that your life and the children's lives are better, richer and brighter because of it.  Concentrate on the love you shared not the loss you feel. Remember the memories.  The best things in life are the people we love; the places we've been and the memories we made along the way.  No one and nothing can ever take them away from you.  You might not see the light know, but know that God's grace is not the light at the end of the tunnel; it is the light that guides you through the tunnel.

 I know and believe that this life is not the end.  The spirit world is real. The teachings of life after death are true.  This life is but a transitory step forward on our journey back to hour Heavenly Father where there is nothing but peace and love. - Just imagine that - something to look foward to.

7 hours ago, Zoe jane said:

Just bit support from his family would helped me.To be able to talk over the phone. They don't answer if I call. Not visited once other than the funeral. Are they blame me. I wonder. I was only one there take care of him. Make him smile when everyone was at him tell him to man up get back to work.He was my world.

It hurts when you realize you aren't as important to people as you may have thought you were.  I like to think there are three types of people: 1) People who will help you in difficult times; 2) People who will leave you in difficult times and 3) People who put you in difficult times. People will hurt you, but God will heal you; People will humiliate you, but God will magnify you; People will judge you, but God will justify you.  True family aren't people who make your problems disappear; they are the ones who won't disappear when you're facing problems.  God doesn't give you the people you think you want, HE gives you people you need.    I pray that God will cleanse you of anything that breaks your heart. Revelation 21:4 states, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  As strange as it may be, you are still bless. Your life may not be going the way you planned, but is is going exactly the way God planned it.  

My prayer is for you to hold on to hope; pain is real but so is Hope.  Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness and knowing that God will answer us when we least expect it.

Continue to visit this website.  We are all traveling this grief together uplifting one another with comfort, support and encouragement.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, Safe.

     

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Hello everyone I'm new here just looking for someone to let off steam with. My partner of 23years died tragicly on 7th Jan this year. Day before his 41st Birthday. I don't have any family support his family have turned there back on me. We have 2children 23,&11year old.Im currently work 7days a week to keep us in our home. Just feel so exhausted mentally and physically. My partner and I had solid relationship. He been porley since May last year due to doctor not coming out to him on number of occasions he developed other health issues slip into a diabetic coma he stopped breathing. I had to resusated him until help arrived then he was on machines where they diagnosed cancer no longer breathing himself. I had to turn machines off the following day. I died that day too. We were childhood sweet hearts I don't see light at end of my tunnel. So alone. Scared. Getting into big financial troubles. Paying for everything. Partner worked same company for 23years threw out his 28wks off Ssp basic they were awful to him. They dismissed him 1st Dec without any notice pay. Just hurts how someone can treat a person whom given there life to there work. So badly. Who do you turn to when you have no one. I do have few friends that I see when at work but I would not burden my troubles on other people. I've been to the doctors twice but won't give me anything to help me sleep yet. Need to get my mind in a better place but just cannot get myself out this dark sadness hole am trapped in. Is this normal. Just bit support from his family would helped me.To be able to talk over the phone. They don't answer if I call. Not visited once other than the funeral. Are they blame me. I wonder. I was only one there take care of him. Make him smile when everyone was at him tell him to man up get back to work.He was my world. My children seem to be coping ok for now. Just me everyday the same as yesterday 

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16 hours ago, Zoe jane said:

Just bit support from his family would helped me.To be able to talk over the phone. They don't answer if I call. Not visited once other than the funeral. Are they blame me. I wonder. I was only one there take care of him.

Zoe,

Try writing them a letter, tell them how you feel, how much you love him, what all you did for him, how disappointed he'd be that they aren't standing by you.  You have children they should be caring about too!  Then throw the letter away.  Let HIM put the words in their thoughts if he wants, but it's good for you to get it out, off your chest, tell them how you feel, even if they never hear or know it.

You were there for him and have nothing to feel bad about, his dying was not your fault.  

You say you don't want to burden anyone, but friends should be able to talk to friends.  Maybe try a grief support group.  You're working every day, you have a lot on your plate, I hope you have a time of day you can stop and breathe.

I am surprised your doctors won't give you something to sleep, my doctor prescribed Trazodone for sleep, I didn't take it for a few years, wish I had of, it would have helped me do my job if I could have gone to work on a full night's sleep.  Most doctors do give sleep aids when we've lost our spouse.

Yes, what you are experiencing is normal. Pretty much anything and everything we feel is normal when it comes to grief.

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Zoe jane---By all means, let off steam----that is what this forum is for. Cry, vent, whatever you need to unburden yourself. We are all here sharing the commonality of grieving the most cherished person in our life that is gone. We listen,understand and care. I am sorry for the loss of your partner, the father of your children. I am sorry you find yourself on this journey as the rest of us. It will be the hardest, rockiest, bumpiest, painful road you've experienced. We will be here for you. Nasty, hurtful business that your partner's family has decided to turn away. People are different, they handle grieving differently. Maybe they don't know how to deal with their own feelings, much less yours. Whatever reason, it is disrespectful to you, your children and your partner.  Take care of yourself the best you can. Be patient and kind to yourself. You need to take care of you, so you can care for the children. Francine and KayC are much better with words than I. So I won't repeat what they have already relayed to you. Prayers and hugs to you and your children.

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Thankyou Francine for your lovely reply. Just good to no someone is listening . I'm not totally alone if my problem is shared. My partner was my ear I would chew off whether be a good or bad day. Just know that he would come home after work each evening we would all be complete as one when he arrived. It's getting used to him not be here anymore. Each day I feel different. Sad angry for him leaving me. So thankyou  

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On 3/3/2017 at 0:18 AM, Zoe jane said:

Thankyou Francine for your lovely reply. Just good to no someone is listening . I'm not totally alone if my problem is shared. My partner was my ear I would chew off whether be a good or bad day. Just know that he would come home after work each evening we would all be complete as one when he arrived. It's getting used to him not be here anymore. Each day I feel different. Sad angry for him leaving me. So thankyou  

I feel you.  Today I'm three months in this journey and I'm actually doing OK so far; the day isn't over yet.  You're correct; we are never alone.  God is always with us, it is up to us to be with God. Matthew 28:20 states "So teach them to obey everything I have told you.  You can be sure that I will be with you always.  I will continue with you until the end of the world."

God bless and keep you, keep us all,  safe.

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Thankyou Francine for your lovely reply. Just good to no someone is listening . I'm not totally alone if my problem is shared. My partner was my ear I would chew off whether be a good or bad day. Just know that he would come home after work each evening we would all be complete as one when he arrived. It's getting used to him not be here anymore. Each day I feel different. Sad angry for him leaving me. So thankyou  

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Zoe,

We are all here listening. We all share this horrible pain, losing someone so dear and close to us. 

I know what it's like to have that one person to be able to talk to any time you want, to talk your face off and have them listen and actually be interested in everything you have to say, regardless of whether it's good or bad. To share jokes, news, thoughts, ideas, and frustrations, feeling so connected through your shared experiences and even through things you did separately but discussed over and over. Knowing the person was always there to talk to, even if not at this moment, but very soon. I know the feeling of losing your confidant, your "partner in crime"... your soulmate.

Yes, it is "getting used" to the person being gone. We never truly totally "accept" it, in the sense that we never actually feel that it was the "right" thing to happen. We never stop missing them. We never stop loving them. They live within us for the rest of our lives. 

Yes, each day is a little different, but especially early on, as we both are, it's mostly negative. Sometimes I can be "OK" for a few minutes. Sometimes I can actually get something done. But other times it feels like my world has lost all meaning, has no point, that the only reason I am still alive is because my body hasn't given up just yet. 

I have had a rough past couple of weeks, it's been just over a month for me and the reality is starting to set in, but I'm not doing well with accepting that reality. I am still expecting her to pop up somewhere, to tell me it's all a lie, all a joke, all some elaborate hoax and that she's coming back. I have even thought about things like how would you logistically handle affairs if someone who was assumed dead turned out not to be. How would you deal with their possessions, if they've been given away or sold or whatever? What about money? What about their apartment or house? What about pets, if they were given away or whatever? If my girlfriend were to come back today, she would find the world a very strange place. In some ways the world is exactly the same as she left it, in other ways her entire life has started to "dissolve" into the ether, into the memories and out of this physical world. 

It's amazing how 6 short weeks can feel like an eternity. It's amazing how that one day that I got the news changed my entire life forever. It's horrifying how fragile life is, my girl died at the age of only 22, with a whole life ahead of her, and so many broken dreams and promises. She's been gone 6 weeks, the last time I saw her was 7 weeks ago, and it feels like millions of lifetimes lived and lost. Even thinking beyond tomorrow is daunting and horrifying. Even sometimes thinking of tomorrow is like that. I do the best I can with what I have, but I am not doing well.

Keep posting and sharing.

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Thankyou KMB, Kay C & Francine. Good to hear see someone out there is listening to my feelings. I just done a on line shop for food, most stupid thing but not buying foods that my sick hubby had taste for craziest thing. For few minutes feels like he not gone. Then fear of dread drains threw whole body that it's real he has gone. Every thought runs threw my mind how long can I continue without him. I cannot open his wardrobe to see his clothes his pile of gifts from Christmas sit there. He was like a child Christmas morning his son had bought him a new electric razor he used it just once loved it. He was housebound last 7months everyday he would thank me for taking care of him. He would so look forward to me getting home from work I guess he got very lonely always being active worked same manager role 23years.How sad that family didn't come to see him to help us threw such a hard time in our lives. Young kids that worked for him asked to come but he was embarrassed of his weight loss he made excuses. He never had a dad his mum always put her 2other kids first as he was 10years older. He never had any help threw out his life we just moulded together from day one. He was such a loyal person to everyone makes my heart break he didn't get that back. Am just get up and going to work everyday. I don't want to I just want to give up. BUT got think of our daughter only 10.Our son 23 God bless him he has stepped up is doing his best to take care of us both. I guess I feel alone due to not having family. My mum never liked me since leaving us as a child. She didn't reply to me day I was at hospital. Hasn't still. Dont have a dad in my life either. So my hubby's family only bit family I've had in my life. Totally taken its toll them shut me out. Each day had worries from what we going to eat for next few days to how I'm going to pay the rent. Pay funeral costs. Now I have to fight this hard world alone. Thankyou for your replies your support as you battle with your loss. Brings little comfort to me that someone is listening thank you all of you xx 

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9 hours ago, fzald said:

Zoe,

We are all here listening. We all share this horrible pain, losing someone so dear and close to us. 

I know what it's like to have that one person to be able to talk to any time you want, to talk your face off and have them listen and actually be interested in everything you have to say, regardless of whether it's good or bad. To share jokes, news, thoughts, ideas, and frustrations, feeling so connected through your shared experiences and even through things you did separately but discussed over and over. Knowing the person was always there to talk to, even if not at this moment, but very soon. I know the feeling of losing your confidant, your "partner in crime"... your soulmate.

Yes, it is "getting used" to the person being gone. We never truly totally "accept" it, in the sense that we never actually feel that it was the "right" thing to happen. We never stop missing them. We never stop loving them. They live within us for the rest of our lives. 

Yes, each day is a little different, but especially early on, as we both are, it's mostly negative. Sometimes I can be "OK" for a few minutes. Sometimes I can actually get something done. But other times it feels like my world has lost all meaning, has no point, that the only reason I am still alive is because my body hasn't given up just yet. 

I have had a rough past couple of weeks, it's been just over a month for me and the reality is starting to set in, but I'm not doing well with accepting that reality. I am still expecting her to pop up somewhere, to tell me it's all a lie, all a joke, all some elaborate hoax and that she's coming back. I have even thought about things like how would you logistically handle affairs if someone who was assumed dead turned out not to be. How would you deal with their possessions, if they've been given away or sold or whatever? What about money? What about their apartment or house? What about pets, if they were given away or whatever? If my girlfriend were to come back today, she would find the world a very strange place. In some ways the world is exactly the same as she left it, in other ways her entire life has started to "dissolve" into the ether, into the memories and out of this physical world. 

It's amazing how 6 short weeks can feel like an eternity. It's amazing how that one day that I got the news changed my entire life forever. It's horrifying how fragile life is, my girl died at the age of only 22, with a whole life ahead of her, and so many broken dreams and promises. She's been gone 6 weeks, the last time I saw her was 7 weeks ago, and it feels like millions of lifetimes lived and lost. Even thinking beyond tomorrow is daunting and horrifying. Even sometimes thinking of tomorrow is like that. I do the best I can with what I have, but I am not doing well.

Keep posting and sharing.

Thankyou for message. Good to talk just unfair under the circumstances. Am not doing so good at moment feel alone, lost cry over nothing. Struggling to eat. Money very tight so just case get what I can each day to feed the kids. I found myself laughing at Raymond on TV other morning then quickly felt sad, bad for laughing. Having no family support makes things more difficult. I find myself watch family's at work enjoying a meal. Think why don't I have that? Mum or dad to off load my troubles. His family no longer stay intouch with me. So very lonely time. Each day just get up go to work come home. People avoid you don't want to hear your troubles your sadness. I get angry when others are complain about such little things. Not even important. Your girlfriend died very suddenly so young too. So unfair. People keep tell me your young still you move on. I don't want to move on. I want to grieve for as long as I want. Only been weeks since his passing. I've not fully accepted his depart yet. Have moments like you say where not real. Then most awful fear comes across me of dread that it is real. He gone. Am left to fend this difficult life. Alone now. I have to be strong but don't have that strength at the moment. I feel him with me some evenings. It's crazy I no. Thanks for replying not totally alone. 

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Zoe jane-----You are NOT alone. You have us here. I know where you are coming from. I am alone in my loss also. No family around. Adult children involved in their lives. Friends have disappeared. I am so sorry that your situation is so tough on you. Just please take it one day at a time. I had a bad day myself yesterday. Two separate incidences that left me crying for two hours, till I was exhausted. Even after that, I was unable to get any sleep. I'm shaky this morning, but I have no choice to pick myself up, get a grip the best I can and soldier on. This is a tough life without our partners.

We don't think we have the strength to keep going, but we do. We do it day by day.

I'll be praying for you, praying for us all. Take care of yourself, Zoe jane.

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Zoe Jane,

I am sorry for your loss.  My wife passed on the night of Christmas eve into the morning of Christmas.  I called the paramedics and had to give her CPR, so I know the trauma and panic of those moments.  Making the decision to turn off the machine is one I never had to deal with, but I did have to think about it a lot.  I am also sorry you had to make that difficult choice, but know you made the right one.

You are not alone, there are people here who understand what you are going through and will listen.  I am sorry his family isn't helping.  The support of your son is wonderful though.  I am sure you already are, but do what you can to help him through this time as well.  I have a mother in law who lost a child, a stepdaughter who lost her mother, and myself who lost a partner.  I find myself comparing them from time to time wondering who is hurting the most, but then realize all grief is different, but equal.  We are all hurting, and together we will find a way to heal.  At the low times, even if you feel you have no one else, at least there is this wonderful place.

I know the stresses of returning to work.  I didn't exactly need the money, but the bills do keep coming, and I didn't want to risk my job by taking to much time off and then having to find another.  So I went back to work two days after the funeral, and the constant stress of it does wear on me.  I would love to take some more time off, but we are starting to get to the busy season now, and I don't think my new boss would appreciate it.

The people who are telling you to move on have no idea what they are talking about.  I am sure they mean well, but they don't understand what we are going through.  Weeks into this journey through grief is not even enough to understand what has happened with us.  Take your time with it, you are allowed to grieve for as long as you need and want.  Take it one day, one moment at a time.  Fear, anger, denial, guilt, feeling alone, these are all normal parts of grieving and you do not have to apologize to anyone for feeling them.  Hoping you find some peace and comfort,

Herc

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On 08/03/2017 at 0:22 AM, fzald said:

Zoe,

We are all here listening. We all share this horrible pain, losing someone so dear and close to us. 

I know what it's like to have that one person to be able to talk to any time you want, to talk your face off and have them listen and actually be interested in everything you have to say, regardless of whether it's good or bad. To share jokes, news, thoughts, ideas, and frustrations, feeling so connected through your shared experiences and even through things you did separately but discussed over and over. Knowing the person was always there to talk to, even if not at this moment, but very soon. I know the feeling of losing your confidant, your "partner in crime"... your soulmate.

Yes, it is "getting used" to the person being gone. We never truly totally "accept" it, in the sense that we never actually feel that it was the "right" thing to happen. We never stop missing them. We never stop loving them. They live within us for the rest of our lives. 

Yes, each day is a little different, but especially early on, as we both are, it's mostly negative. Sometimes I can be "OK" for a few minutes. Sometimes I can actually get something done. But other times it feels like my world has lost all meaning, has no point, that the only reason I am still alive is because my body hasn't given up just yet. 

I have had a rough past couple of weeks, it's been just over a month for me and the reality is starting to set in, but I'm not doing well with accepting that reality. I am still expecting her to pop up somewhere, to tell me it's all a lie, all a joke, all some elaborate hoax and that she's coming back. I have even thought about things like how would you logistically handle affairs if someone who was assumed dead turned out not to be. How would you deal with their possessions, if they've been given away or sold or whatever? What about money? What about their apartment or house? What about pets, if they were given away or whatever? If my girlfriend were to come back today, she would find the world a very strange place. In some ways the world is exactly the same as she left it, in other ways her entire life has started to "dissolve" into the ether, into the memories and out of this physical world. 

It's amazing how 6 short weeks can feel like an eternity. It's amazing how that one day that I got the news changed my entire life forever. It's horrifying how fragile life is, my girl died at the age of only 22, with a whole life ahead of her, and so many broken dreams and promises. She's been gone 6 weeks, the last time I saw her was 7 weeks ago, and it feels like millions of lifetimes lived and lost. Even thinking beyond tomorrow is daunting and horrifying. Even sometimes thinking of tomorrow is like that. I do the best I can with what I have, but I am not doing well.

Keep posting and sharing.

Thankyou for message. Good to talk just unfair under the circumstances. Am not doing so good at moment feel alone, lost cry over nothing. Struggling to eat. Money very tight so just case get what I can each day to feed the kids. I found myself laughing at Raymond on TV other morning then quickly felt sad, bad for laughing. Having no family support makes things more difficult. I find myself watch family's at work enjoying a meal. Think why don't I have that? Mum or dad to off load my troubles. His family no longer stay intouch with me. So very lonely time. Each day just get up go to work come home. People avoid you don't want to hear your troubles your sadness. I get angry when others are complain about such little things. Not even important. Your girlfriend died very suddenly so young too. So unfair. People keep tell me your young still you move on. I don't want to move on. I want to grieve for as long as I want. Only been weeks since his passing. I've not fully accepted his depart yet. Have moments like you say where not real. Then most awful fear comes across me of dread that it is real. He gone. Am left to fend this difficult life. Alone now.thankyou for responding good to no people are there. 

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On 3/8/2017 at 2:10 AM, Zoe jane said:

People keep tell me your young still you move on. I don't want to move on. I want to grieve for as long as I want.

People shouldn't tell you how to grieve or to move on, that's only something you can know how to handle.  They should just listen and care and be there for you.  Feel free to share this link with them:
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

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Zoe jane---- The circumstances are not fair, but I'm glad you are coming to this forum to express your feelings. None of us want to be here, but for us it is the safest place to interact with those who completely understand our loss.And no, you are not crying over nothing. You are crying for everything. You are crying for your husband, the loss of what he meant to you, his absence, your future, your stability, your heart and soul. You are crying for yourself and the loss of what used to be.

There is nothing wrong with laughing at a tv show. No reason to feel guilty. Our minds are trying to absorb and process what has happened. It is good to let a little normalcy in. Your husband would want you to find those little moments that cause you to laugh or smile.

I know you are lonely and I feel for you in having no family support. I'm in the same boat. It is lonely, sad and depressing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take one day at a time. Grieve forever, do what you need to to for you. There are no rules or time frame for grieving. We will miss our spouses forever and we will carry them in our hearts forever.

This unwanted journey is scary. Just remember you have us here.

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