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My Partner Doesn't Understand Me


Dots89

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It's almost been a year since the passing of my mother. I'm 27 she was 49 and I really feel cheated and pissed off she went so early. She was full of life and had dreams. She wanted to learn how to dance and overcome her own emotional obstacles and learn to be happy. I wanted that for her, just like she wanted for me (Or still wants...I believe she watches over me). 

My mom and I were close and I'm sad she'll never see me reach my life goals, get married or have kids, she didn't even get to go to Ireland and see the castles; she had never even been on a plane before...She wanted to see the world. She did however get to see me on TV for a small second wearing a dress she bought me and she recorded it and was so pleased, it made me feel like a star (Such a mom thing to do right?!) So, I hold onto that as my little win.

So after I got back to my house in Vancouver (Family is from Ontario) I had a pile of things to do because I had been gone for a month. I had to get back to work, finish a couple personal projects (fundraiser and short film) and then on top of that I thought I was going back to my boyfriend...Well I ended up breaking up  with him a week later. He brought another girl to the house and had sex in my bed...THE DAY I FLEW OUT TO SEE MY DYING MOTHER!!! Oh yeah, I know how to pick em! So I got that loser out of my life...now I'm scared I let another one in...

 

So I'll fast forward to a month and a bit after **** storm. I bumped into a friend of mine I knew through the comedy community and we started seeing each other. I told him I didn't want to date because I wasn't in the best of places and I was reassured that it would be fine and could work through it, I said no, he asked why, I explain again. I find this is the process for a lot of my emotional stuff. If I feel sad about my mom and currently I'm in one of those long waves of sadness; I mean the ones that last for a week or so. I keep waking up sad and then I get really happy in certain points of my day and then feel absolute **** again, then tears, then I'm alright and just meh.

It's never ending and I don't know how to deal with it perfectly or if that's even a thing. I told my boyfriend that I needed some space and that I did not want to go on vacation on the anniversary of my mom's death (I said yes at first and then changed my mind that maybe I would like to honour that day differently) I got the "It's time to get over it" phrase and I said he has no business having two parents and telling me where I should be in my grief. I am so afraid that maybe we are not emotionally compatible (if that's even a thing!) 

He doesn't think it's healthy the way I'm acting, or that I cry. One time I was drunk crying about my mom in the street and he hugged me for about 20 seconds before he let go and kept walking...What is that? 

Has anyone ever dealt with such an emotional idiot? And do you think it's healthy for me to still be feeling so sad after almost a year? What does it feel like even after 5 years?

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Dear Dot,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved mom. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think its hard for people to understand what grief feels like. I certainly never fully understood till I lost my dad last year. Its been four months and the emotions are like an ocean wave. I think its perfectly normal to feel sad after almost a year. I have talked to some friends who have lost parents. Some tell me the pain never goes away. The counselor told me it could take up to 5 years. One friend said it took her 4 years. Another friend said even after 2 years she is still in pain. We are all so different. And there is no wrong way or right way to grieve. I struggle every day with this new reality. I wish  there was a magic potion to make this more bearable. I never wanted to be on this grief journey, but I am. Sorry words are so inadequate sometimes. Thinking of you.

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I really appreciate your response and I thank you. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad and that's so recent. There a a couple of great books I read and they are both by the same author and they are really short; I found it nice because I really struggled to concentrate on anything so when I finished them I have myself a little high five.

One is called, "when things fall apart" and the other is called, "taking the leap" both by Pema Chodron. Not about grief but all about emotions and dealing with them when things get tough. It helped me with my anger towards my sister and in general. 

Thanks again. It's nice to hear about other people's experiences and have a safe place to vent and talk. 

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Dots89,

I am almost 25 years out from the death of my grandfather.  He was *the* male figure in my life, really my father in many ways.  It hurt intensely for the first 3 years for me, and the pain lasted on and off for quite a while after that.  Eventually I got to a point where it had faded to the point I could remember him with nothing but smiles and good stories.  At five years I think I was at a pretty strong point where I could remember and smile, but there were still lingering painful moments, it's hard to say for sure.

Everyones journey through grief is different though, there is no time table or road map to see us through this.  I don't think it is healthy or unhealthy for you to be grieving at this point.  I think it is very healthy that you can identify and acknowledge your emotions though.  Take all the time you need to get through your grief and don't even think about someone else's opinion of where you are on that path.

Regarding the emotional idiot, he is a guy.  We really are stupid creatures sometimes.  I am sorry you are dealing with that too though.  It is entirely possible he was trying to help with his grossly insensitive comments.  What you need to realize on that front is that he isn't going to magically change.  He will continue being emotionally unaware of your needs, and if you need a boyfriend who can and will provide emotional support, he probably isn't the right one.  If however you decide that you don't need the emotional support from him, it could still work out.  Just having someone to have fun with has its place, and you could draw your emotional support from other sources.  Hoping you find some comfort to ease those ups and downs,

Herc

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My husband lost his father 2 years ago. This was shortly after our son was born and we have a daughter since then. I got here as I was searching for answers as to how long grieving should take. You see, since the death 2 years ago of his father from cancer which was diagnosed 10 years ago, he has decided that he will not smile or laugh with me. He has also become curt, critical, and moody, and blaming everyone around him for whatever is wrong in his life. I have accepted it so far as a result of his mourning and I have tried to be supportive as much as possible. But at what point is it enough? While I am learning that grieving takes time, sometimes forever... where does it leave the ones still alive? 

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Dear Freda,

So sorry to hear your husband is struggling with the loss of his father. The grief journey is different for everyone. People say there is no right way or wrong way. And there are a lot of emotions to work through. My counselor told me it could take up to 5 years to process the death of my father. And other friends have said it can take anywhere from 15 months, 2 years, 4 years, to feel better.

I know its hard. And you are trying to be supportive and patient with him. But since his mood is affecting you and the family, I think it might help your husband to consider seeing a bereavement counselor or joining a support group. There are also good websites like What's Your Grief and GriefShare.Org  and books like The Grief Recovery Method by Russell Friedman. There are other resources available in the community or through work or church.

Maybe consider talking to a counselor on your own if your husband won't go.

For me losing my father has been the worst experience of my life. And it is a struggle to enjoy life again. Its only been 4 months for me. At 2 years maybe your husband has what people called complicated grief or he is stuck in grief.

I know its tough to see a loved one struggle. I hope he will get some help on his grief journey. I'm very independent and don't like to talk about feelings. But with my dad's death I feel I am looking everywhere and anywhere for support and guidance in understanding my feelings.

Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

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