Expectations

[Cambry]

I dont feel I can get through the day.  Norm, when I lost you November 29 you left without any warning.  You took me with you. A Tuesday night like every other.  Then you were gone.

I am not the same strong girl you kissed good bye before work.   I know you expected me to handle this and raise your child. You always said you would be gone before me. But I told you to stay. That we needed you. 

I cant.  I have tried and I cant.  You were my rock, you loved me, and you had my back.   No one else understands.  They ask, Were you married? Are you over it? You are fine now, right?

Your family turn to me for help and I have nothing left.    They say I have been so strong and amazing.  Yet, Im falling apart. I cant walk, sleep or eat.  I exist as a big ball of fear. 

Work expects me to go on as is Im the same person I was before.  Im not.   I wish I could be, but Ive tried and failed.

I thought you would be here.  With me.  Holding my hand and telling me its ok.   But you are just gone,   completely gone.   No messages from the other side, no signs, no dreams.  Your silence is all around me.

How could you be here one minute only to be replaced with the police at the door saying, Hes gone. For no reason,  no reason anyone knows, no goodbye.

Why didnt I know something was wrong.  Why didnt you call me.

All I have are my questions and fear and a big empty space where you should be.  Thats all I am now. 

 

I love you. I need you here.  We all do.

 

[ModHerc]

Cambry,

I am so sorry for your pain and loss.  The sudden change in our lives is something everyone here understands all too well.  We all have questions with no answers, and fear of the unknown future.

You say you're not the same strong girl he kissed good bye, and you're right.  This experience changes all of us, we are not now the same people we were, and we can never be those people again.

We are falling apart, and many times we either simply can't do some things or feel that we can't.  Yet we are still strong and amazing.  When people tell you that, allow yourself to believe it, because it is true.

You talk about expectations, please set realistic ones for yourself.  Your wonderful Norm did not expect you to handle this and raise your child.  He expected to do that with you, but unfortunately is no longer able to. The people at your work don't expect you to be the same person.  They know this has changed you, and if they don't know and do have those expectations, they are unrealistic and that is their problem, not yours.

Many days my expectation of myself is no more than waking up and coping with this horrible situation I find myself in.  That is not weakness, it is the strength of accepting how much I have lost.  Some don't view it that way, fortunately for most of them they haven't been through what we have.

Know that there are people here who care.  Breathe, and take it one moment at a time.  That is the only expectation you need to worry about.  Wishing you comfort in this pain filled time,

Herc

[KMB]

Cambry---My heart goes out to you.  I am sorry you lost your beloved husband suddenly. I did too. It is so hard to comprehend how a person can be here one moment and gone the next.  Just breathe. One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. We are all on this long, painful journey. Loss is our common bond. This forum has become a life line for many. Keep posting, we will help each other through. Prayers and hugs to you.

[Ravinder]

Cambry.

Like you I lost my wife suddenly on the same day November 29th 2016, I have three teenagers she left me to care for but three months on things are becoming more, more harder.

Living without Balbir has changed our lives, the loneliness, empty house where only silence prevails, no communication between us nor with our families anymore.

Things have just burst outside of a bubble, no one bothers or cares how where coping, selfish people cannot comprehend how our loss has affected us.

We just sit like zombies passing each day by day without living our lives normally.

I feel you loss.

Ravinder.

[Emeliza]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so hard and I don't have any answers.

The expectations are so much and too much.  I don't know how I continue, but I do.  I pretend a lot. Lose myself into books where I forget about what I had and my love and my life. 

I have to watch myself not to lose my cool with the kids as they still need/want things from me and I just want to escape life.  But I can't.  It is always there.  

That being said, I lost my husband and love in August and life goes on.  It sucks and I am no longer who I was, but it continues and so I do too.  And the waves of grief aren't as intense, not better, but easier.  I hope that gives some comfort.

Best wishes. 

 

 

[KMB]

Ravinder, Emeliza, --- This grief journey is exhausting. From my way of thinking, it is beyond human capabilities, more so especially when the pain hits rock bottom. No where to go at rock bottom. Eventually you are able to stand up again, only soon, some emotional force knocks you down again. It is exhausting, but sometimes you are able to stand for much longer periods of time before being knocked down.

The expectations from society can be insensitive, selfish, time restricting. Family and friends pay little attention. They have never experienced this loss of spouse/partner/soulmate. I keep hoping my circumstances and all of you precious, loving souls here manage to find a way of living that matters. Prayers of comfort, peace, to all.

[fzald]

KMB,

Sadly, I have even been "misunderstood" by people who have had a loss of a partner but grieved differently. My mom lost my dad a few years ago, I'm sure she grieved but she was a lot more introverted about it. She went right back to work after, like maybe a week. She has told me things like "You can't stop living your life" or reminding me harshly, if not deliberately harshly, that "life won't slow down for you to grieve." 

But we have to. We all grieve differently. No the world won't slow down, but we have to grieve. Sometimes that might mean taking time off of work. It might mean just being for a while. It might mean slowing down, asking others to help with daily tasks, not taking on any new responsibilities. 

I wish our society was more understanding of grief. Routinely, people get weeks or months off for maternity leave. Sickness is generally well accepted. But grief is something we expect people to just "get over" quickly. Grief is like a sickness though. A book I read said you have to imagine you're in intensive care at a hospital. You need extra care, you need to refrain from stressful or strenuous activities, you need to recover. You can't rush recovery in the hospital. We can't rush recovery from grief either. 

Cambry, your pain is so evident in your post, I feel for you, I know the feelings of losing a loved one all too well. There are really no words anyone can say to take your pain away. I wish there were. But like I just said, make sure you're doing what you need to. By that I mean if you need a day off, take one. If you need to go to bed early, do it. If you want to indulge in a little comfort food, do it. Try to take care of your basic needs like food and water and such, but don't push yourself harder than you are able to. Don't look too far ahead. Thinking beyond tomorrow is scary for me, I can't even begin to consider my life in a month let alone a year. Everything was laid out for me until my beloved girlfriend died suddenly. Now I am living in a world of nothing. It's ok to feel angry, it's ok to feel depressed, it's ok to cry, it's ok to talk about your beloved. 

Talk to us here whenever you need an ear. We may be strangers but we're still brought together by this horrible commonality. If I had the power, I would bring every single person we lost back to this world, bring back the lives we all had and still wanted. I can't do that. I wish I could. The only thing left for us now is to be here for each other. My girlfriend lived to make people's lives better. I can only hope she is looking down on me smiling, knowing that there are others out there helping me and that I am trying to help others through this horrible tragedy.

 

[Andy]

Cambry,

Your loss is a terrible one, and I wish I could change things or make it better, but sadly I cannot. All I can do is offer my thoughts. 

The many wonderful people who frequent this site are amazing, full of kindness and wisdom, much more so than I. Post often if you wish, I've found that it has helped me tremendously since the loss of my wife. Your feelings, emotions, how you've come to view yourself and this new world, it's all familiar ground for us. Not exactly the same, no two relationships are, but we all walk in this same valley. We're all alone, yet all together. Borrow our strength, from our words, prayers, insight, whatever may bring you comfort. Allow yourself to be weak. Being weak is an admirable quality, it allows you to properly process this grief, to cope with a changing world. It will actually provide you with strength. Believe me, I'm weak everyday. 

Not one of us imagined that this was going to be the road we would one day walk, or crawl. Not in the beginning of our lives together, we all felt the deception of youth, that we'd live forever and growing old was for old people. My wife passed far to young. 100 would've been far to young. So, we're faced with adapting to an entirely new life. EVERYTHING changes. Our outlook, our future, our hopes and dreams. Some of these things may have even died. But we're still here, for whatever reason. Be what YOU need to be, not anyone's expectations, because now, there aren't any rules. Take care of yourself, tend to your child, do the best you can, and only take this one moment at a time. 

Peace, comfort and love,

Andy 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Cambry said:

I dont feel I can get through the day.  Norm, when I lost you November 29 you left without any warning.  You took me with you. A Tuesday night like every other.  Then you were gone.

I am not the same strong girl you kissed good bye before work.   I know you expected me to handle this and raise your child. You always said you would be gone before me. But I told you to stay. That we needed you. 

I cant.  I have tried and I cant.  You were my rock, you loved me, and you had my back.   No one else understands.  They ask, Were you married? Are you over it? You are fine now, right?

Your family turn to me for help and I have nothing left.    They say I have been so strong and amazing.  Yet, Im falling apart. I cant walk, sleep or eat.  I exist as a big ball of fear. 

Work expects me to go on as is Im the same person I was before.  Im not.   I wish I could be, but Ive tried and failed.

I thought you would be here.  With me.  Holding my hand and telling me its ok.   But you are just gone,   completely gone.   No messages from the other side, no signs, no dreams.  Your silence is all around me.

How could you be here one minute only to be replaced with the police at the door saying, Hes gone. For no reason,  no reason anyone knows, no goodbye.

Why didnt I know something was wrong.  Why didnt you call me.

All I have are my questions and fear and a big empty space where you should be.  Thats all I am now. 

 

I love you. I need you here.  We all do.

 

I am so sorry, my husband's death was unexpected too.  And you didn't fail, it's just not possible to be the person we were before, our world has changed, we have changed with it.  You will get through this though, one day at a time, no more.  Of course you aren't over it, we don't get over it, we learn to adjust little by little to the changes it's brought us.  Keep coming here, keep posting, one of the things I found I needed most was to be heard and understood and this is a safe place for that.  Family and friends may not understand because they haven't been through it, but we do, we're living it.

It took me 1-2 years to have a dream with him in it, I couldn't understand why everyone else seemed to but not me, when we were everything to each other.  Of course I wasn't sleeping much, that probably didn't help.  Try to be patient, it'll happen.

Take good care of yourself, it's very important, take a walk, eat something healthy, drink some water, see your doctor, get a sleep aid if you need it.  And breathe.

[Francine]

Cambry,

I wish I had words to lighten your agony, but sometimes words are just not enough. I know to vividly the pain you are going through.  I've been there and have not left.  Losing a love one is the most overwhelming and heartbreaking pain anyone can ever have to endure.  It's alright to cry, it's alright to hurt and it's alright to be confused.  It is devastating when our loved one pass away, too soon and without reason;  a part of you dies as well. 

It is so evident how much you love and miss him; try to remember the love the two of you shared, not the loss. Your loss is painful beyond words and it is so difficult, you don't see yourself making it through, and often times, you feel like you don't want to. Your heart is broken and your world just fell apart, I get it, you're going through a living hell and it seems you're sinking more and more into the flames.   Everything is different now; you're upset and shattered, the world is cruel and nothing or no one seems to matter. You feel  there's got to be a reason and it is hard to understand why a loving God would take your love away without  warning and so unexpectedly.

Your grief will never end, but it will changed.  It is a passage, not a place to stay. It is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith, but the price of love.  When you lose someone you can't live without, your heart is  badly broken and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss.  But this is the good news; they love forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - when the weather gets cold it still hurts, but you learn to dance with a limp.  It is said that 'time heals all wounds'.  I disagree, the wounds remain.  In time, the mind protecting its insanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons, but it is never gone.  You can never bring him back, but you can live with gratitude for the love you had and the life you shared.  Treasure and recognized the memories you shared; some of which made you laugh and others that made you cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship you and your Norm shared.  

Our greatest comfort is knowing that God is in control and that you're never alone.  God is with you holding you, comforting you, and most of all, loving you no matter what.  Stay encouraged and take comfort in knowing that God has the final word.  Nothing can stop God's plan for your life; His plan is bigger than your past.  HE holds the key for every problem, a light for every shadow, a plan for every tomorrow and a joy for every sorrow.  For God's word is truth no matter what.   Matthew 5:4  states, "Blesses are those who morn, for they shall be comforted". In Revelations 21:4, it states, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away"

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. You are a child of the Most High -You don't know your own strength.   I'm sorry you're on this website, but know that there are wonderful people who are not afraid to share their stories and offer you comfort, encouragement and support. Keep faith in God and he shall pour his love and care on you.

[KMB]

Francine, Beautiful posting. Not just for Cambry, but for all of us. God's blessings for all of us.