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mia   
  • December 1 2016 the worse day of my life.we had been married for 32 year's I was 18 when we first met im Italian he a American sailor love at first sight. I decide than that I wanted to spent the rest of my life with him.we dated for 2 year's and off i went to the united states. I left everything I ever knew for my love the heart was taken by him no regrets. 32 years later and 2 wonderful children on November 24 he was told by his physician that he had a walking pnomia (don't know if spelled right) he gave him antibiotics plus his regular meds .for day's he just wanted to sleep. I let him his 52 he is a big boy if he wants to sleep let him on December 1 4days after the physician visit I was checking on him it was 4:06 pm I tried to be quiet i touched his feet's they were cold so I very gently put Sox on his feet's. I went in to the bedroom he was napping on the couch before  napping he asked :please let me sleep im so tired. Sure I honored his wish I must dose off for bit when I was wakened by a glass creaking I went to investigate a candle in the bathroom was broken in Alf. I Grabbed a razor blade to scrape the wax off the cabinet and floor.from far I watcht my husband sleeping I decide to put a small blanket on him.as I did that I kissed him on his forehead it was cold I shuck his shoulder and say wake up wake up.I called my daughter saying your dad is out cold life.wont wake up Call 911 she said. Right they will know what to do after all he did have a heart attack last year. What I know now is that when police ambulance arrived the only recollection I have is the sound of my daughter hitting the ground my son. Helping me down the stairs a nurse saying to me :your going to shock. I dint actually ear it I read her lips every thing went silence .After all of this now I had the task of waiting for his death certificate. 12 week's. Suicide. .........what? how? were ?no note? When? Is this going to prolong my nightmare? Did I miss something? Was i the cause? What about our plans? Dreams? What would I tell our kid's? How about growing old together? I can't stop crying or thinking of that day.wen I put Sox on him he was already gone and as an idiot called my daughter instead of 911. I can't explain it the only sure think that I know is that im left with allot of questions. I will always love you my first my last my everything. XOXOXO

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reader   

Dear Mia,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the loss of your beloved and cherished husband. I'm so sorry for all your pain and sorrow. I know this is an extremely difficult time. There are so many emotions. And its only natural to ask all the questions you are asking now. Its a terrible shock. You loved him with your whole heart and that is what we all want. Please know that you are not alone. We are all here to support you. Thinking of you and your family.

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mia   

Thank you. Im drowning in my own tiers. That moment when I fund him keeps on replying in my head. You know we were teenager when we meet and married. We knew each other for a total of 34 years. So many odds agents us but it worked till his last breath I loved him. Im so empty I have a hole in my heart. In the past few weeks I have been very angry is this normal?. I also feel abandoned because we promess to be together till the and. I have left my entire family friends for him back in Europe and now he decided to live me?so many questions left unanswered so many unspoken words . why why why get the urge to be with him but my 2 children's stop me from any negatives though im on medication. for this reason.ty for listening. God bless 

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reader   

Dear Mia,

I'm so sorry. I know you are in a lot of pain. Grief is a long journey. And the shock takes a long time for our minds and bodies to process. Everything you are saying and feeling is 100 percent normal. We all do the same thing. We replay over and over in our heads those moments. Me, too. I was so angry at the whole world when my dad passed last year. And four months later I am still angry. Why me? I kept asking. Why? And no matter how kind people were to me, I still don't understand.

Please continue to post here. Express yourself as much as you want. You are not alone. We will be here to support you. Life is so hard. I wish I could take away the pain and hurt for all of us.

I know everyone is different. In m own grief, I have tried everything. Talking to a counselor. Joining a support group. Reading different websites What's Your Grief is a very helpful one.

Be gentle and kind with yourself during this difficult time. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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mia   

I miss you so much.why did you decided to go?.what about me?.you have been selfish. Im left picking up the pieces. No Moore good night kiss. No more holding hands. No more whisper i love you. No more anything the kids are divested I hope you have found peace. I see you in my dream's i feel you all around me I ear you when the wind blows. You touch me in my sleep. I could fill an ocean with all of the tears I poured out of my eyes and right there and there i feel as im drowning. Why why love I can't bare the though one more day with out you miss you is an understatement. What we had for 34 years is not going away in few months year's. You are a permanent fixture in my life. Ti amo amore mio

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reader   

Dear Mia,

I'm so sorry. You have expressed your love to your husband so well. We can only hope that we are loved as well by anyone in our lives. How are you feeling today? I know its so tough going through this huge loss. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

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mia   

Reader thanks so much for listen. I'm sorry for your loss too.today as every day I survive im in auto mode can't leave the bedroom. I don't want to face the world that seems all so happy for what?can't they see my pain sorrow desperation. Im so alone can't stop crying .they tell me that God wanted him so he called.call me selfish I want him here.and continue our journey like we plant instead he decide to go. God give me the strength the courage to go on with out him.

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reader   

I'm so sorry Mia. I know the pain is unbearable during this very difficult time. Please try to take care of yourself the best you can. Moment by moment. Day by day. Its all any us can do during these early days of grief. Everything you are saying and feeling is normal and natural. Loss is so unfathomable. I have be believe we will survive somehow. I continue to think of you. Sending you love and hugs.

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mia   

Reader how do you deal with your loss?how do you mange your pain?how do you confront the day? How can I stop crying? I'm from Italy I have no family here. My husband family is not that affectionate. My children are adults they don't show much emotion because they are worried that if I see them greave it will trigger my sadness and desperation. You can tell me a little about your loss i to I'm a good listener. Ty so much for your time. Sincerely. Ma.

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reader   

Dear Mia,

I'm so sorry. I know its not easy. ((((hugs))) to you my friend. I certainly don't have all the answers. Its been four months since my dad passed away. I still cry. And I still wish he was still alive. I allow myself to cry and get angry as much as I want. I don't try to hide the pain, its better to let it out.

Its not easy getting up every day. But I make myself take baby steps. I know my dad would want me to continue living the best I can. Sometimes I cry before I go to work, sometimes after, but I go to work. I try to keep going forward. I was thinking about this tonight. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking only one step forward but 100 steps back. But I keep trying.

I feel during these difficult times its OK to let your adult children know how much you need their support. Do not be afraid to show them your true feelings. I know it must be very hard for them as well. You are their mother, they will love and support you during this unimaginable loss.

I know you mentioned you are originally from Italy. But there are so many resources available to people going through the loss of a spouse. May I suggest the following websites for support:

What's Your Grief

GriefShare.Org

The Grief Recovery Method.

I hope you will consider talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group. GriefShare has a 13 week program.

I will continue to be here. I wish I could take away the pain. I know its hard. Trying to go forward almost seems impossible. Please continue to try take each day moment by moment.

Thinking of you.

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Guest

Hello Mia. My husband took his life on 4th December 2015. I felt all of your emotions including feeling incredibly angry with my husband even still. He hurt me so much by leaving. However, his own mental anguish was beyond anything I will ever suffer I am sure. In his note, he wrote beautiful words about me and our son but said he couldn't go on with the pain he was living with.

i know it is hard to take all of this in. Please try to see a counsellor, they can help figure thoughts in your head out. They helped me. I am almost exactly a year on from Where you are but I can still remember every month that I have gone through and how I felt.  Continue to post. I will look out for your replies. My heart breaks for you. Suicide is a different kind of loss for which we never really get any answers.

 Mist x

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Kjayne   

Hi Mia, and Reader, and guest, I'm sharing your pain and emotions. I also lost my beautiful fiance two months ago i don't feel like I can go on in this pain anymore.  It doesn't go away for a moment. I cry and cry and cry. I miss him so much..My stomach is in a huge knot all the time. I feel sick. I.can't eat, I take sleeping tablets to go to sleep, holding tightly onto the teddy he gave me, and then I wake up and he cycle starts again. the heartache is unbearable. How are you doing now. How are you getting through each day? Plead let me know

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