Members Goob52 Posted February 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2017 my wife got into some legal trouble with her employer over a year ago. About this time last year she was arrested. She's been worried about it but it didn't seem like it was too bad. Feb 13 she came into our room before she left for work and that was the last time I saw her alive. She gave me a kiss and a hug and told me she loved me, just like any other day. It was my day off so I kicked it around the house just doing normal stuff. Our dog was acting weird, wouldn't leave my side, under foot the whole day. I hadn't heard from her all day, which isn't unusual, so around 2 pm I texted her and told her about our dog acting weird. Well, she never read the text which is unusual. I sent her another text with the picture of the dog trying to climb on me which, again, is unusual. She never read that text. So I did the phone locate thing and it said she was out at the house we moved from. She said earlier in the week she was going out there to get some stuff so I didn't think much of it. After a while I'd noticed her phone hadn't moved so I got worried. I went out there and her car wasn't in the driveway and nothing in the house looked out of place like she'd been there to get stuff. So I left thinking she'd been there and dropped her phone or something. I started toward her office and called to make sure she wasn't out with clients and her receptionist told me she'd called in sick. I panicked and in the back of my mind feared the worst. There's a detached garage about 70 yards from the house and I went back there while trying to call her, I was hoping she'd just dropped her phone. I could hear my ringtone on her car playing through her car speakers inside the garage. I raised the door and found her carvrunningbandvthe garage full of smoke. I ran in and opened her door, she was a weird color of grey and her eyes were open. I grabbed her hands and they were hot. I grabbed her shoulder so I could pull her out and she was stiff and cold. I nearly passed out because of the fumes. I ran out and tried to call 911 and my phone kept connecting to her car and I couldn't stay in the garage. I ran back in and opened up the back door to her car and was going to try to pull her out that way and she was just stiff. I turned her car off so I could use my phone and finally was able to call 911. She was the love of my life, the best person I know. I had no idea she was capable of this. I'm heartbroken. She left behind four boys 17,18,19,20. I just don't know what to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted February 24, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 24, 2017 Goob52, Your love for her is so obvious in your post. I am sorry for your loss, the suddenness of it, the injustice of it, all of it. I know the intense shock and pain you are going through, I have been there and still have to deal with it on a daily basis. We all feel, or at least have felt that we don't know what to do. At the moment, just take care of yourself and your children. Drink plenty of water, eat and sleep when you can. Breathe, and cry when you feel like it. We are so sad that you have had to join us on this journey, but we hope that together we can find some consolation in the comfort of others that have shared a similar loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 24, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 24, 2017 I am so sorry, there are no words. I know the pain of sudden unexpected death, but suicide makes it all the harder for you to try to comprehend. I hope you will get your family grief counseling, you don't mention how the boys are dealing with it, but you're all probably in a state of shock. I'm very sorry she didn't see a way out of her legal woes. I hope you understand it is not from you or the boys she was wanting away from, but her situation. It's amazing how our dogs can pick up on things, they get how we're feeling, what we're going through often even before we know it, and your dog must be very sensitive to that. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted February 24, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2017 I also, am sorry, Goob52. The shock and the pain have to be tremendous for you and the children. I am sorry your wife was in such desperate, mental anxiety, that she took her own life. I sincerely hope that you are not blaming yourself. You had no way of knowing that this would happen. I hope you and the kids can get into family grief counseling in order to be able to cope. This is a great forum with many caring and understanding people. It has become my life line and I hope it becomes yours also. Cry, vent, say whatever you need to. We are here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members babypeanut Posted February 25, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2017 i am so sorry for your loss, and the awful circumstances surrounding it. i'm be in a bigtime state of shock in your situation, you say 'what do i do?' & i wish i knew a simple answer. reaching out as you have is important, as the others have said, & i'm quite new here too, i've found that this is an excellent place to get support from those who are going through those feelings of shock & loss as you certainly must be having. i've been trying to push myself to reach out & do what i need to do. whatever you do, know that there are people here who care and will understand your feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted February 25, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2017 I don't have any words to make this better, but keep reaching out, friends, family, counselors, here, whatever you need to do to get through. I can't begin to imagine the grief you're experiencing combined with the horrific nature of her passing, I'm so, so sorry. As Herc said, please take care of yourself, the basics at least. Water, calories, you have to stay alert and cognizant of yourself and those young boys/men. I pray they are doing ok as they possibly can, and may you find the peace and comfort you're going to need in the coming days, weeks and beyond. Peace and strength, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stonesie Posted February 25, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2017 I wish I had something to say to make it all better but of course there isn't anything. I am truly sorry for your loss. Definitely don't isolate, keep reaching out for support. Your kids as well. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted February 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 27, 2017 Goob52 Oh my God, I'm so sorry for you. You must be devastated. Your wife must have been hurting so, going through an imaginable circumstance. You cannot go through something like this and not come out the other end as a changed person. I haven't finished grieving and I don't know how all of this is going to change me. I didn't know how to live with this pain and I certainly didn't know how to move on from it. The reality is that you will grieve forever, You will not get over the loss of your wife; you will learn to live with it. You will eventually heal (or so they say), and rebuilt yourself around the loss you suffered but you will never be the same, nor should you be nor would you even want to be. Death in itself is a tragic affair, even when it is long anticipated; but when it is unexpected, without warning, it's a living hell that is even harder to accept. Sometimes people who die from suicide don't want to end their life, they just want to end their pain. Suicide doesn't kill people, sadness kills them. Suicide doesn't take away the pain, it gives it to someone else. Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better. Whenever you do not understand what's happening in your life, ask the Ultimate Comforter to bring you through it. God's plans for your future are far greater than your fears. Gods way is better than your way; HIS plan is bigger than your plan; HIS dream for your life is more rewarding, more fulfilling better than you've every dreamed of. Stay open and let God do it HIS way. I pray that God will bless you and give you the strength to get through this very difficult time. Stay Strong. Know that we on this website are always here when you need to visit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Goob52 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 A lot has happened since this first post. My family, friend, and coworkers rallied around us. Helped with time off work, money, food, time to just sit and talk with us. Still just feeling horrible guilt that I must have missed something or I didn't notice the signs of financial issues. Figuring out how to finish up raising these kids is challenging but nothing we can't handle. then I start thinking about moving on a little, not sitting in this place of guilt and misery. My family needs to progress and part of me feels like we're moving too quick. So I feel guilty about that but I can't just sit here, there things that need to be done. I still have a couple jobs, kids all have jobs/school. Gotta move on, we didn't choose this. I'm playing the hand I'm dealt. Still i I have questions. Specific financial questions. Seems she had a problem with stealing money and it caught up with her. How much money and where it went is still a mystery. She didn't have drug or gambling problem as far as I knew. She was a professional woman. Had lots of responsibilities. Lots of questions like that. Like there was something more to it that I don't know about. I miss her terribly. I'm still waiting for her come home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted March 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Goob52, I know that feeling of things having to get done. I was in a way fortunate that my wife passed on Christmas. It feels so odd typing that still, there is no good time for it to happen ever, but at least friends and family had time off to come and help us cope with the initial shock. I was back at work two days after the funeral, at least physically. The full shock of it didn't wear off for me for at least a month. I was at work, and fortunately have done my job for so long that I could function on auto pilot, but my mind wasn't really there. I just mention it so you are aware that you may have some strange moments at work. I don't know what you do, but if you have a good friend as a coworker, you may want to mention something to them. I told a guy I've worked with for twelve years to keep an eye on me and let me know if I was screwing up. I lost my phone a dozen times in those first few weeks and had no idea if I could still perform my daily duties without blathering like an idiot. The mind can do some funny things. The guilt is something most people experience. I let my guilt go as quickly as I could. I didn't want anything to happen to my wife. I would have done anything I could have to prevent it. I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. In the end none of it matters because this is the situation I am in now, and nothing can change it no matter how much I want it to change. My situation is different from yours of course, but I think those statements hold true for all of us. I once again am so sorry for your tragic loss. I know how tired you must be of those words, and that they don't do any thing to help the situation, but they are true. Keep taking care of yourself and your children as best you can, I know when I went back to work some of the basics like regular healthy meals slipped for a while. I hope you find some rest and comfort, Herc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Goob52---I am sorry for all that you are dealing with, sorry for your loss. Having family, friends,lending a hand in support is a blessing. I understand your guilt. But you could not have foreseen what happened. We do not know another person's thoughts, their inner struggles, if they do not tell us or show any obvious signs of distress. I know you have many things to do. Try to slow down and just take on one priority at a time. Your body and mind is still trying to absorb and process this tragedy. Your children are trying to do the same. You miss your wife, the children miss their mother. Even though there are things to do, as a family, you need to have time to grieve also. Prayers of comfort and peace to you and yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Goob52, It is great that you have family and friends around to help you. Losing the one we love is one of the worst experiences possible in this world. I do not know how anyone manages to get through it intact. I can only imagine how hard it has to be to also know that your wife was suffering, had some problems you didn't even have any knowledge of that were so significant she felt the only way out was to take her life. As grievers, many of us can tell you that we know the feeling of wanting to end our lives or at least wishing that our lives would end themselves, the point is that emotional pain can be so intense and immense that sometimes it does feel it's the only way out, it's the only way to get some relief from the anguish. You do not need to feel guilty if you think you're "moving on too fast". Everyone grieves differently. Some people are better able to process grief than others. Some people are able to maintain good functionality while others cannot. I sadly am one who cannot. I still am operating way, way below my normal efficiency. You and your children have each other though, as do the rest of your family. Now is the time to lean on people for support. Do what you have to do but don't try too hard to avoid grieving or to mask your grief so others won't see it. Sudden death is one of the hardest kinds of loss, it's in a lot of ways even harder than anticipated death, because you had no time to prepare, no time to even ponder or contemplate a life without the other person. You are suddenly, without any warning, thrust into a world of unknowns, a completely foreign world that you don't want to be in, but you are tossed into that world without any say in the matter or even a chance to argue your case. Death and the finality of it have a way of reminding us just how little control we truly have in this world, that all of the things we do to make our lives better, all of the steps we take for ourselves, can all end up meaning little to nothing when something like death comes along and takes the best part of us away without any warning. I hope you continue to find peace. I hope you continue to heal, and that you and your family and friends will continue to support each other. I am still struggling to make progress in grief, I am falling backwards and going lower and lower it feels. But I guess I'm still here, even though sometimes I wish I would die in my sleep. I'm still here, whether I want to be or not. I guess all I can do is try to make the best of it, someday, somehow. I'm not sure how I'll ever do that... Good luck and peace to you, Goob52. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 2, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 Goob, Going to work and dealing with what you must does not equate to "moving on". It just means you're taking care of things that need to be taken care of, for you, for the kids. Whenever someone dies, there are unanswered questions. Sometimes it might be "where did they put the key to the riding lawnmower?" But others had secrets, secrets we don't know about until they die and we're left trying to figure things out. One thing I've learned is just because they kept things to themselves does not mean we didn't know them. Some people compartmentalize, some feel embarrassed about a drug problem or something. Take the WHOLE of the person and love them, not just the part. Forgive. Know that what you shared was real and exists still...it's just that now they're someplace out of reach, but we'll be with them again and somehow I think all of the unanswered questions will be a moot point once we get together with them again. (((hugs from a stranger))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted March 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2017 20 hours ago, Goob52 said: A lot has happened since this first post. My family, friend, and coworkers rallied around us. Helped with time off work, money, food, time to just sit and talk with us. Still just feeling horrible guilt that I must have missed something or I didn't notice the signs of financial issues. Figuring out how to finish up raising these kids is challenging but nothing we can't handle. then I start thinking about moving on a little, not sitting in this place of guilt and misery. My family needs to progress and part of me feels like we're moving too quick. So I feel guilty about that but I can't just sit here, there things that need to be done. I still have a couple jobs, kids all have jobs/school. Gotta move on, we didn't choose this. I'm playing the hand I'm dealt. Still i I have questions. Specific financial questions. Seems she had a problem with stealing money and it caught up with her. How much money and where it went is still a mystery. She didn't have drug or gambling problem as far as I knew. She was a professional woman. Had lots of responsibilities. Lots of questions like that. Like there was something more to it that I don't know about. I miss her terribly. I'm still waiting for her come home. I'm glad your friends and family were there for you in your time of need - that's the true meaning of "real" family and friends. You can't control other people, you can only control your reactions to them. I don't think we should blame other people for disappointing us, maybe we need to blame ourselves for expecting too much from them. You're correct, life does go on and we must somehow move on as well. For some of us, especially children, it may take longer. Allow children to move on at the own pace; we all grieve differently. When you face difficult times, know that challenges are not sent to destroy you; they are sent to promote, increase and strengthen you. Your wife's spirit will always be with you; don't concentrate on the loss, but the love you shared together; concentrate on the memories you made together; concentrate on the children you had together; concentrate on the life she made for you and the children and the happiness and light she brought to all of uou. I pray that God sends you and your children the strength to make it through this difficult time . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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