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Loss of father/blaming myself


Jerry38

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My father passed away yesterday, and I'm feeling really empty. He had been sick for several years, and his illnesses were complicated. My dad was in remission with his cancer, but continued to drink despite his doctor's warnings. He kept things secret from the family, but we knew he was still drinking. I never firmly reached out and told him to stop and get help, for the fear of severely hurting him. He ultimately died of liver failure, and I feel so horrible and responsible. I could have demanded he get the help he needed, but I didn't,  and now he's gone. My dad is my favorite person in the world, and I feel so empty now that he's gone. I am young, and don't know anyone who has ever dealt with something like this. I would really appreciate some advice or words.

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Jerry, my condolences on your loss!  It's already painful to experience the loss of a parent but please do not add additional guilt for something you could not control.  My father drank and smoked the majority of his life.  Although he eventually quit drinking (over 15 years ago) and smoking (over 4 years ago), he could only do it when he was truly ready to do so.  As a child, I would beg, plead and cry for him to stop, and although he loved me deeply, he simply could not quit until he was ready.  And even when my dad finally quite smoking, all of the damage was already done.  For the last 4 years, his lungs and heart deteriorated slowly but surely.  So I know that there was absolutely nothing you could have done or said that would have prevented your father from drinking.  If he was ready to quit, he would have quit on his own, especially when the doctors warned him.  The choice was his, and his alone.  So please be kind to yourself and do not carry this guilt.    Honor your father, and focus on all the good things about him and on the love you shared.

 

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Dear Jerry,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your father. I'm so sorry. I know its a horrible shock. I don't think any of us are prepared for the pain or sorrow. Its only natural and normal to think back and ask ourselves what we could have done? I have done the same thing. We all do. Because we loved our parents so much, we wanted to help them as much as they helped us as children. I know its hard. But try to be kind and gentle with yourself during this difficult time. You loved your dad and that is all he would have asked of you. As adults we all make choices that no one agrees with. We can't change anyone as much as we want to.

When you are ready, maybe consider grief counseling or joining a support group. Continue to surround yourself with loving friends and family during this painful time. Thinking of you.

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