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My sister died unexpectedly, 33 years old. I'm lost


Kcjohnson138

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I don't even know where to start. 

6 weeks ago today, well now yesterday, I was sitting at work, finishing my weekly tasks before my weekend started, when I felt my elbow vibrating, I looked over at my phone and saw her name. I thought, "I better answer that, she never calls me unless something is really wrong," we loved texting, phone calls are for emergencies. When I said, "hey, what's wrong?" Before I got out "wrong" I knew it was my brother-in-law, I just heard his breath. He said, "uh, sissy..." I said, "Ben? What's wrong?" He said "Sissy... its bad, it's real bad..." I said, "Ben? What?" He said, "Its Tori, it's just bad..." I said, "tell me, say it... Ben! Say it!" He said, "Sissy, Tori... she's, she's, she passed away, she's gone!" 

My heart that had already fallen out of my chest, crashed to the cold hard concrete floor and shattered. I could tell he had been crying, I managed to get out (in between hyperventilating noises), "what happened? How?" He said that he had heard her up all night, which wasn't unusual. My little sister suffered chronic back pain, bipolar, and migraines. He said that she was asleep on the couch when he went to work and was careful not to wake her, she was up all night. He knew that her alarm was set to go off so she would get my nephew to school. So he went to work. At about noon those annoying door to door religious people, whom my sister hated, came knocking. When my 5 year old nephew answered, they saw her laying there. One took my nephew from view as they called 911. (Not like the image wasn't seared into his brain, after all he had been trying to wake her when her alarm started going off at 7am). The other started CPR on her, but she was already way past gone. They called my brother-in-law at work. He called me after they drove away with her body.

I am, just turned, 8 days before, 38. My sister was 33 years 4 months and 1 day. Our family dynamics are pretty screwy, but one thing is a fact, I was my sisters keeper, have been her whole life. I went the next day faced our mother for the first time since 2009, got things together, made everyone food, the next day made memorial plans and cremation arrangements. The next day my husband said I needed to get away for a few hours and took me to play golf. The next day I went to a funeral home and I got my own alone time with my little sisters corpse. That room seemed like a mile, but when I saw her, I fell to the ground. I don't really know how I got down there, I might have crawled, but I instantly started checking her tattoos, it only resembled my sister, it couldn't possibly be her!! It was, the tattoos where there, then my masters degree in biotechnology came in and I recalled what formaldehyde really does to the cells. I fell on her to hug her and she wasn't there. I noticed she was wearing the same shade of lipstick our granny had on at her funeral. I couldn't see her ice blue eyes anymore. When I did that I moved her hair line, she had a full autopsy, so things are shifted. I moved it back in place like it was a wig. Then I tried to adjust her shirt, it didn't fit right, then I saw the autopsy insidious and I knew why. Then the next 2 weeks are blurry. I felt like I was doing so much better. I'm NOT!!!! I miss her, everyone I know walks on eggshells around me, they say,"I'm here if you need to talk..." the second I mention her name, they run, or just give that over-sympathetic-I-don't-want-to-hear-this-look" then I FEEL GUILTY!!! The worst is my family treats me like that, or I'm tough and should be over it. I RAISED HER!!! She was my little sister, my best friend. We were supposed to lean on each other when our parents died! Not this! It has been 6 weeks and I still can't wake up from this nightmare. How do I do this?

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Kcjohnson138   

I am sorry for your loss.  There really is nothing I can say to make you feel better.  But there really isn't any point in blaming yourself or feeling guilty.  I do know what you're saying though.  Others walk on eggshells because they don't know how to deal with it.  They don't know what to say.  Don't feel guilty for trying to talk or expressing your feelings.  You are entitled to feel every emotion you have to feel.  Life isn't fair.  I'm here if you need to talk.

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Hi Kc

i am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I lost mine on 11/16/20016. We were as close as you and your sister were. I was almost 5 years older, and the big sister, just like you. The pain cannot even be truly expressed it is so deep. It's been a little over 3 months for me and I can so identify with your pain. For me, I've come to realize a some of the feeling is huge fear...how do I live without her? HOW? Every day that goes by, I realize I'm still here. Hugs to you and please know there are others who understand what you are feeling and care. Contact me anytime. Xo

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I understand just how you feel. I lost my 34 year old little brother who I helped raise, 10 weeks ago.

I feel like people mutter platitudes but dont want to hear it and like I need to push this bubbling of emotion back down inside me for everyone around me. 

There are no words but I understand and we are either both normal...or not. 

I was the one to have to phone my parents and tell them. That call is burned into my mind.

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Kcjohnson138

I keep getting told that this is my "new normal" I've never been one for being normal, but apparently my shattered heart is totally normal. 

Ive said it before, but I hate that others know this pain, but it does help!

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Dear Kc,

I hear you. I also hate my new normal. I hate reality. I want to go back in time to my other normal as it were. I know people mean well, but it just hurts right now and I don't want to hear those words.

I'm with you, I feel less alone knowing so many people are going through the same journey. I hope we all can find some peace and solace soon.

With love and hugs to all.

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Cindy dunkin

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am living a simular nightmare. The hardest thing I've ever had to face. I just lost my sister this last Sunday. I've turned to this group hoping to figure out how to deal with the pain and guilt. My heart and prayers go out to you

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Kcjohnson138

I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I feel like the last 12 weeks and two days are a blur. I feel guilty when I smile, I feel guilty that I'm alive and she's not, I feel guilty that I'm now able to push her out of my head to be a mom, and wife and work for just a little while each day. Some people say I've done a great job an bouncing back. What does that mean? You don't bounce back, I think I'm just learning to try and live day by day. We got her autopsy report back today, and it's what we thought, and I don't even know how to feel.  I wish I could offer words of wisdom, but I don't believe that time heals, I think time makes us move on, and in the first few weeks pain was so bad I didn't think I could ever come back. I haven't, but I'm functioning better now. Talk about it, even if it hurts, I now keep a "journal" it's more like just when I need to talk to her, I write it. We were always better at writing things to each other than actual talking. I put my anger, every emotion in feeling, everything in it. Some people go to a grave, I write it down. I even still text her. My thoughts are with u and if u need to talk let me know

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Cindy dunkin

I thought I was being silly by going to her Facebook and writing her. It makes me feel a little closer. Today has been four days, but it feels like the worst yet. The pain and guilt is so unbearable. The thought that she was alone when she passed is tearing my heart out. I've always been the strong one. I've lost a lot of loved ones over the years, and have always been able to deal with my greif. Losing my only sister is somehow different. Coming here and talking to others who are dealong with the same seems to help. My deepest condolences I'm here also if you ever need to talk.

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Kcjohnson138

It's not weird at all. I still tag my sister on FB. She had back surgery a year ago and she made me her person, in life and to memorialize her on social media. That was so hard to do. She was engaged to her youngest sons father, they lived together for 7 years, but I was her person. The one who was supposed to pull the plug, the one who she entrusted to do all of the final stuff if need be. I did all that she wanted. I couldn't donate her organs because she was gone for 6 hours b4 the paramedics were called. Her 5 year old son was with her trying to wake her up for 4 hours. He ended up just covering her with a blanket cause "mamma was very cold." 

I miss her so much every day! I still don't know how to live without her. I don't know that I ever will know. 

I too have always been the strong one, which is why she made me her person, and I feel like a ball of mushy mush. 

I wish I could say that it would get better, but I am a realist. I do know that I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but when 2 drop, I'm hysterical.

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