Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

My Cross To Bear?


His Monkey

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I went to church yesterday, between services just to spend a little time, and maybe find a little peace. Hadn't been there in months, not since that first crushing week when I could barely feel anything.  As I sat there alone, breathless as I always am at the beauty within the basilica I'm so fortunate to live close to, I had an overwhelming moment of clarity.

Greg's loss is a cross I must learn to bear. And I will, day by day, learn to bear it with love, temperance, humility, grace, strength, and ultimately (I hope) with gratitude. It's strange, but I must be, and feel I am, grateful that I knew him at all. In hindsight, the privilege of living in the light of his love was truly a precious gift I would never return, never change, even if I'd known the outcome on the day we met. I will love this man for the rest of my days. And the very best part is that I have no doubt he'd say the same...I'm a lucky girl to know that. 

Thanks for listening, Lisa 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

His Monkey,

There is so much that I identify with in your words.  I wouldn't change a moment with Christine.  The luck we were gifted with to truly know them, the love we felt for them and they felt for us, and the way that living in the light of their presence changed us.  It made us into better, stronger people who will find a way to bear this.  Thank you so much for sharing this moment of clarity,

Herc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lisa, Thank you for sharing your insightful thoughts. I've had the same thoughts, but it isn't easy remembering to be grateful, humble, filled with the love that still exists. It definitely is a cross to bear. All the good insights, clarity, amidst the pain of loss, all rolled into one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

To all, i wish my tortured mind would get some clarity like you lisa, some days i feel strong and thankful for our time and love, ive never felt as loved by anyone has i felt by him and i know he felt the same but other times on my bad days i blame myself for him coming to my home to live with me even tho we was so happy and content here i hate the thought that he had his accident in my house, of course if he hadnt been living with me then maybe he would be still alive and that thought tortures me like hell somedays, its a strange journey we're all on and its so good having all you good people to share our loss, comfort and peace to you all x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Meesh, My heart goes out to you. We all have a tendency to blame ourselves for our losses. Stop torturing yourself, please! Accidents do happen. We have no control over the fates of life. Your beloved could have fallen somewhere else. He was happy and content living with you. Prayers and hugs to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello Meesh, my hope for you is that one day the guilt will leave your lonely heart. You didn't cause the accident any more than I caused my sweetheart to get cancer. It sucks, it's unfair, it hurts, and it's a crippling despair, but sometimes bad things just happen. 

Please take gentle care of yourself ok?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks kmb and his monkey for your words, i hope this guilt passes its just another unwanted burden to carry about, when i get stronger i may think abut moving house but not sure yet, im gonna try save as much money as i can  this year and then decide, somedays my heads so muddled i think it will explode, lifes been so hard for us all but weve all got to try muddle thru best we can, take care of yourself today and always .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Meesh, It will get easier. The burden of guilt is not needed on top of what we are dealing with. I've had my own guilt. Time, and the natural evolution of this process does help. My guilt is not at the forefront of my mind like it was at the beginning. It is in my mind, but way in the back. Someday, I hope it is not there at all. My husband had heart problems. Nothing was going to save him, especially not me.   

Be patient and kind to yourself. Someday, you will be able to put the accident in its proper perspective. Accidents happen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

This is not directed at anyone.  I just saw guilt a few times here and wanted to get this off my chest.

I loathe guilt.  Guilt is a lie that tried to steal the beauty of my relationship.  Everyone feels guilt at times like these as a defense mechanism.  The human brain needs to put some reason behind all of this horrible reality we are faced with.  As thinking beings we need things to progress in logical sequences, particular life altering events such as these.  So our brain tricks us, it lies to us to try to protect us.  It doesn't focus us on other people, because other people are beyond our control.

I read something along these lines a long time ago, so I apologize if any of it is off, but as I remember it it goes like this.  Essentially the subconscious thought pattern in the first moments of shock goes along the lines of "This horrible thing happened.  How can I stop it from happening again?  If it were my fault, I could stop it in the future.  It must have been my fault".  Your brain then goes through all kinds of mental gymnastics to convince itself that this is true.  You will tell yourself you should have done something.  You will tell yourself you shouldn't have done something.  You will tell yourself you anything you need to so you can prevent yourself from being hurt like that in the future.

This all happens in the blink of an eye, without you really thinking about, and you then begin to reinforce those thoughts.  You start consciously thinking about what went wrong, and because your subconscious brain already has the answer it needs to "protect" you, it feeds that answer to the conscious brain, and you start thinking it is true.  The problem is it is all lies.  The awful truth is that sometimes horrible things happen to good people, and there is nothing we can do to prevent it.  That is a brutal realization, that creates fear and a whole host of other problems, but at least it is real.  I would rather deal with realities than continue to reinforce lies I have told myself.

Even with the recent tragedy I have experienced, another tragedy could befall me tomorrow.  I could be in a traffic accident, or my daughter could.  Terrorists could strike the city I work in.  A lightning bolt could hit me out of the blue.  These are all possible.  And very unlikely.  I will do what I can to reduce risk in a healthy manner.  I will wear my seat belt.  I will ask my daughter to be safe.  And then i will go about my daily routine as normally as possible with all this pain in my heart.  But I do not need to add to it by lying to myself.

So I try to turn some of the grief against itself.  Anger is another emotion tied to grief.  I turn the anger on the guilt and let those two bastards go at it.  I am an overly angry person by nature.  If I have to feel guilt, I will feel random nebulous guilt about my anger issues to get the guilt out of my system.  That may make me less angry in the future.  If I feel a flare of anger, I focus the anger on letting guilt cheat me of reality, which reduces the guilt.  I haven't talked to a psychologist, so this may be screwing me up in the long run, but it feels good for now.  Besides I like the idea of fighting fire with fire.

I still have guilt, so I understand.  I sympathize with those of you going through deep seated guilt feelings, it is horrible.  I am not preaching, or trying to tell you shouldn't have those feelings.  Of course as with anything, grieve the way you need to.  But if you feel up to it, try consciously not feeling guilt for a short time.  Accept that what happened is not your fault, you didn't want it to happen, you hate the fact that it happened.  Say out loud "it is not my fault" and mean it.  If you don't like it, you can always go back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I so agree.  Guilt's only purpose is to show us something we need to learn.  If we don't need to learn something or we've already learned it, we need to say goodbye to the guilt that approaches because then it has become shame, not guilt, and shame's only purpose is to hold us down, immobilize us, which none of us needs!  Say goodbye to it...

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Exactly KayC. Guilt does serve a purpose but in some cases it's useless. 

We are taught from a young age that good behavior results in rewards, and bad behavior results in punishment. Psychologists have even observed this in far less intelligent animals than us. That's the whole idea of operant conditioning. You encourage certain behaviors by rewarding them and you discourage others by punishing, or at the least withholding reward.

When our loved ones die, we feel absolutely horrible. To our psyche it's the worst form of punishment that we could ever experience. So we try desperately to figure out what we might have done to deserve such a punishment. We believe the negative feelings must be our fault, because that's what we've been taught to believe. How often as a child did your parents say "You didn't do your homework/your chores/whatever, so you don't get to see your friends!" In other words, social deprivation is actually a fairly common method of punishment. Losing our closest companion is the ultimate, the worst possible form of social deprivation. We try desperately to think of what we might have done to cause this loss to happen, because we are trying desperately to learn something from it, to learn what we need to do in the future to prevent any further losses.

In a breakup this makes a ton of sense. You look over the relationship and try to figure out what you did wrong - and chances are, you probably did do at least something wrong if you're breaking up. There is a lot to be learned from the guilt felt in a breakup. The problem is for all of us, our loved ones didn't choose to end a relationship. They didn't die at our hands. They didn't choose to die. They didn't want to die. If they had any say in the matter they would still be here with us, living life together, making us happy. There's nothing to learn really. If anything, we learn that we are futile, that life and death happen on their own and even the best of trained doctors can't always fix it. 

I know that some doctors have issues with this early on in their careers - feeling immensely guilty when they lose a patient, even if it's a stranger. They'll feel they've failed as a doctor. Doctors sadly have to learn early on as well that all we can do is "the best we can", which is not always enough. Even then, I'm sure doctors have a huge issue when they lose a patient with dealing with the guilt feelings and also having to face the family who may, in anger, accuse the doctor of not doing the best job that could have been done...

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
23 hours ago, His Monkey said:

Greg's loss is a cross I must learn to bear. And I will, day by day, learn to bear it with love, temperance, humility, grace, strength, and ultimately (I hope) with gratitude. It's strange, but I must be, and feel I am, grateful that I knew him at all. In hindsight, the privilege of living in the light of his love was truly a precious gift I would never return, never change, even if I'd known the outcome on the day we met. I will love this man for the rest of my days. And the very best part is that I have no doubt he'd say the same...I'm a lucky girl to know that.

His Monkey,

You said it all.  I think we all must bear our cross; if we don't bear a cross, we can't wear a crown.   I loved  my husband with all my heart when he as here and will love him with all my heart now that he's not.   I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but instead he spent the rest of his life with me.  I am so proud of being his wife and the love we shared and I know he was proud of being my husband; I thank God for allowing us nearly 45 years together.  The hardest part was not losing him, but learning to live without him.  I try not to think alone the lines that he died, but that he lived, and gave my life meaning, and memories to beautiful to forget.  I will remember my husband by carrying on his wishes, aspirations, dreams, and heart consciousness .  He will forever be in my mind, heart, spirit and inspirational actions.

I know what you mean when you talked about being lucky,  - Lucky and Blessed!

I thank God for keeping us together, when we're falling apart.   I pray that when you are tired, HE gives you the strength to go on; when discouraged, HE gives you the hope; and when you are afraid, HE gives you peace.   God Bless us All!

  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guests

Herc again I agree with everything you said. I don't feel guilt (for now anyway). I cried so much that I think it's gone. I was so angry that I had to feel guilty or that anyone else has to go through that experience. I used to be angry somewhat but now I feel very little of anything. I think it's normal to have all those reactions that I had but I still hate them for feeling like they destroyed me. But maybe they didn't destroy me completely ..or maybe I can start over.
"But if you feel up to it, try consciously not feeling guilt for a short time" I feel like this is good advice and I've tried it I think, I try not to let the emotions get to me like they've done for very long periods of time. I feel comfortable being alone when I want to cry or something and I let myself do that. But I don't want constant misery, since I spent decades in a sense allowing myself to suffer for no reason, doesn't help anyone, I am done with it all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Well said, Francine. I feel like I've perhaps turned a tiny little corner by accepting this tremendous loss, my cross, and changing my thoughts just a little by doing so. Nothing will bring him back to me now, but I will do my best to remember him in all his brilliant glory, living his life on his terms in spite of the cancer, and rejoice in the fact that he chose to spend his life with me. This man was a decorated Army Ranger, and an exceptional human being who made overcoming obstacles his mission, and I'm so proud he chose me. I try to let that thought lift me up when I'm feeling low, and light my heart when the darkness comes. If he could have overcome cancer, we would be together today. After struggling with my faith for months, I'm now open to hoping we will be reunited one day. So thankful for that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
8 hours ago, fzald said:

Guilt does serve a purpose but in some cases it's useless. 

My point exactly.  It's MORE than useless if we have nothing to learn from it's drawing our attention to something...it can be detrimental, that's why it's important not to LET it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.