Silky

loss of my 16 years old son

41 posts in this topic

3 hours ago, Allen B said:

Mamatink7.

I am SO, So sorry for your lose, It is the hardest  and most painful thing in the world. 17 Weeks in and the PAIN is still Very much there. I miss my Son, would give my life for his in a heart beat.

Thank you for your kind words. Folks seem to think all should be back to normal now that it's 3 wks. Nothing feels normal. I still cry most of the day, I have things people or places that trigger it all over again.

Have you found counseling or support groups for child loss; have they helped? Most of ours around here are for spouse loss. The bereavement therapist said we should go to someone for trauma loss as what we went thru was trauma. Never heard back.  We have a group at the hospital where he passed, on the 8th June. Not sure what to expect and I'm a little terrified. 

Are you able to visit him? I want to every day but he's 45-hr away so can't visit as much as that. I visit about every other day. I send balloons to him, mainly ones I write him messages on. We just had graduation ceremony and it was nearly impossible. 

I miss him every moment of every day. I'd do anything to have him here. I want him and need him here with me. I want to hear his laugh, see his smile, feel his hugs. I want to take him to DR appts, do dialysis for him, visit the zoo. All the normal every day things I did. He asked for a couple things and I couldn't get them those few days as I didn't want to take him out of the house. With him, we wanted to make him as happy as We could since he been going thru crap with his health. So We didn't say, ok, we can get that maybe next month or no I don't think so. We ran out of time: HOW DO WE RUN OUT OF TIME WITH A CHILD?? 

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Mamatink7,

Yes, it is said but true, people think after a short time things will turn back to normal... Our Lives will never be "normal' again :-( People ask me are you all right? I say no, but would like to tell them, "if you lost a child how would you feel a few days, months and even years later",  Almost 18 weeks in (this Saturday), and the PAIN is still intense as it was on day one.  I think you can never recover for this, People go on with their lives, and we do too, just not in "our normal way" that we had been accustomed to.  Yes my wife and I do go to counseling, (since the 1st week of this hell), and my 21 year old daughter as well. so yes it does help, but still.....

Yes we do visit our son, we have him placed in a cemetery about 4-5 kilometers away in another small town here in Germany, we had him placed there so we can take him with us  (one day) when we return to the USA..

it does seem like I do miss my Son more and more each day as the days go by. and I know my wife and daughter do too.

Here in Germany, there really isn't as much support for our situation, there might be more near bigger cities, but we do go to talk to a counselor and my wife is on these type boards more than me, but it hurts us both to read all the different situations of why everyone is here to begin with. I still wished it was me instead of my Son. 

31 days prior to my son's passing, I buried my Dad (81). He had bladder cancer, and I went to see him last Sep., and was with him over Christmas and held his hand as he passed, this is normal, I am suppose to bury my parents, and my Son and Daughter are suppose to bury me, but it didn't happen according to plan. My Life F@cking suxs!

 

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mamatink7 I wish we didnt run out of time with our child it is so desperately difficult to deal with that concept but it happens sadly. 3 weeks is nothing I find it unbelieveable that anyone would have that ridiculous expectation of you. I am 21 months on after my Tommy died and I am still struggling but nothing as bad as before. There are members who are years on and they will clearly tell you they are coping but not ok. Losing a kid will never be ok it will be a loss you feel inside for the rest of your life but it will slowly get a bit easier. Then there are bumps in the road and you find yourself taking steps backwards again but then you muster up the strength to go forwards again. It is quite a rollercoaster. some days or weeks are better than others and you need to treasure those when the dark days hit again. take heart you are not alone.

Allenb glad to see you posting. you are correct life f*****g sucks at times and is unfair and wrong and discriminatory. You too are still within the first few months and have all the firsts still to go through which is really rough. no matter how long ago we lost our children we will always miss them and mourn they are not with us day to day and in our lives. like a jigsaw missing a vital piece. I am glad you are in counselling talking really helps even if it makes you very upset. as time goes on with repetition it gets a little easier to talk about but it is always painful. There was a long delay after Tommy was cremated to spread his ashes because I was in very poor health and in and out of hospital having surgeries. I have only been back to the place I feel close to him twice because I feel him with me anyway. That place is not where he was scattered that is over 2hrs drive away and I am not sure I will ever go back there. The fact I know I can go to my special place anytime gives me peace of mind and takes away the need to visit frequently. However we choose to mourn is individual, some people get peace with frequent visits, others prefer different ways each one is right. What is important is for each person to find what helps them as an individual. I am sorry you lost your dad recently too. the loss of a parent is tough but i guess we find that easier to come to terms with because of their age. It is abnormal to bury your own child. I hope you continue to make progress.

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Still Hurts :-(    (19 weeks), or 133 days or 3192 hours

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Oh, Silky, I'm so sorry for your loss! It's so difficult to loose a child, but to loose one when you thought you were living in a safe place?? That must feel like the ultimate betrayal! We are here for you and our prayers go out for you! You are not alone and we are here for you.

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Mikep please join us on Loss of an adult child thread as it is the most active and you can be answered more quickly. We would like to hear more about your son and family, we are all in this sad club together and understand as only people who have lost a child know. Take care

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Mike P

Thank you for your thoughts from both of us. yes we did think it would be safer here, turn out we were wrong...:-(   This coming Friday (23 June), our Son would have his Abschluss from school (10th grade). He was planning to continue to go for his abi. (11-13 grade) .

20 weeks have past now.... GOD DO I MISS HIM!!!!!!!!! he would be so HAPPY right now, with an extra 2 weeks of (school) summer vacation too.

 

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Allenb what did you mean by you thought it would be safer here and were wrong? Please share what is on your mind.

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I am an American, but Live and work in Germany.. We thought Germany would be a safer place to raise children.... Guess we were wrong. Drugs and Drug users are even in small towns here in Germany too.

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Allen....there comes a time on the grief journey when one stops asking 'Why' and ask 'How'.....

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allenb now I understand. There is no place safe from drugs and dealers and evil people who seek to entrap others or kill them unfortunately. I only wish there were. As parents we make the best decisions at the time with the information we have, no point looking back or regretting any decisions because that has already become the past. If only we could keep our kids safe. We parent them through babyhood, toddlers elementary school and tweens and some of us also through middle and high school and college. Even when they are adults we still parent them because they are the world to us and we still want to protect them. Unfortunately we cannot be everywhere all the time and we all bear the scars of losing a child of any age and all that it entails. It is so wrong for a parent to bury a child because their lives had not been completed, so much potential and talent wiped out in an instant. It is a heartbreak that never heals. At least you are here with us and we can help to console and offer support.

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Please stay strong. Life will throw obstacles at you, and the only thing you can do is stay strong. Here is a great place to get help. Keep communication with your husband open. Never feel bad about seeking help from a therapist too. I dont know where I would be without my therapist.

 

Stay Strong Please

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cathydrochin i agree about the therapist mine was an enormous help and now I have finished after almost a year. I am sorry you lost your son. please come back and tell us more about him. It is still so soon for you the first year is really difficult and each year thereafter is tough too but in time the rawness eases a little and you find ways to cope.

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Mermaid Tears, Cathy& Tommy's mum, Again Thank you for your thoughts and words. yes talking to our counselor does help, but..... Again Sorry for everyone loss here, No one should have to go through this ****.

21 weeks on Saturday..........I Miss him SO!!

Today he would have basically graduated from high school.   :-(

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My friends,

My Brian (16) died 6-19-2008.  He climbed on the hood of a car.  The driver reached speeds of 68 mph with 2 boys on his hood.  Driver lost control, Brian died.  Two other boys walked away.

I was dead inside for a long time until I made the decision to be happy again.  That decision takes years, but you can smile again.  My family survived.  You can too.  Be kind to yourself and realize this is a LONG process.  Life is not the same....how could it...but we have found happiness again.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever

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Yes, Allen B, that's exactly how it is! I'd give my life for my son, Cameron, to be alive. But I can't. You're right, the loss of one of your kids is the purest form of hell that I know of. give yourself plenty of time and try to do what you can to heal, realizing it's going to be a very hard and difficult road. If you have any questions or need to say ANYTHING, we are here for you. God bless you and your family!

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