Silky

loss of my 16 years old son

41 posts in this topic

The last 3 weeks are the worst in my whole life. 3 weeks ago my son Steven, 16 years old, went to a birthday party. He stayed over night there. The next day he was dead. He drunk out of a bottle, he thought was juice in it, but there was a mixer of methadone in the bottle. Than he went to sleep, later vomit in he's sleep and died on that, cause he didn't wake up.
 A drug addict women, who lives in a apartment in that house where the b-party was had methadone to get off the drugs. She suppose to keep it looked up.......nobody knows how the bottle got there , it's still under investigation.
The lab results from the autopsy of my son proved that he had methadone in his blood, just a little, but it's so poison that it was enough.....
I don't know how to go on with life, I lost my faith, I'm so lost.
I'm german and my husband of 26 years is American. He served 20 years in the U.S. Army, then got out as a veteran. We decided to stay in a small town in Germany, so my son can finish his school and it supposed to be safe here.
I keep asking Why ????? but I know there will be no answer.
 

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I am so sorry for your unspeakable loss, Silky.

Most clinics don't allow users to leave with methadone, and I am so sorry that your son didn't know.

There are never any words of comfort to lose a son so young and I wish that there were. I understand feeling lost and not having any faith anymore, it's hard to tether yourself to anything right now and you feel like you are drifting. There aren't any whys? that will comfort a parent who has lost their child, when others try it never fills that gap. I am glad that you came to share your feelings with us. I lost my own son just this last year before his 21st birthday. The truth is that we can never keep them 100% safe, and it doesn't mean that we didn't do our best for them.  I too was in the military and served in Frankfurt Am Main for 3 1/2 years and I loved it there, I always felt comfortable and good in Germany and wished I could have stayed there but was stationed elsewhere and wasn't anywhere near retirement. 

Sadly, the world has a drug epidemic going on with opioids and it doesn't skip small towns. Heroin is cheap, highly addictive, no longer requires a needle and is more pure now that it has ever been so more and more people are getting addicted. The best treatment for that addiction is methadone, but it is not without drawbacks and should not be available to bring home for the same horrible thing that happened to your son. It would be easy to mistake for a juice drink and consumed by children. It's just so awful to hear about your son and I hope that you find some peace soon.

Much kindness and caring goes out to you and your husband.

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Silky I am so sorry for your loss. Drugs are all around us but you hope that people who use them keep them safely away from others, but sadly that is not always in their minds when they are strung out. I am not judging here people, my son was a former addict so I know how it is to be a parent worried about drugs and their child. But what happened to your boy Stephen is tragic, it was a terrible accident and done with an innocent bottle of juice. I too lost the little faith I had, not that I went to church often or anything, but in time it may come back to help you. anything that helps you get through this awful awful time is helpful. I call myself spiritual now believing in a higher power that governs Nature, but i am still confused as to what I believe. Whatever you believe in is ok and losing faith is quite a normal human reaction when faced with profound grief. Why? is something we have all asked and sadly there is not a good answer. Some people may get some resolution if the perpetrator is brought to justice and some not. For some of us it was a disease or illness, by their own hand, or just an accident as it was for my son Tommy and your son. we all have to go through the grief journey regardless and it is so sad and so painful and scary and seems to take forever, but there will come a time when you realise there is a slow lightening of your spirit and you come out of the dark. It takes time and I wish it was quicker because it is so difficult, but in reality you have to work through and process each stage to be healed and not let grief snatch away your spirit. the thread Loss of an adult child is a very active thread and keeps us all in one place if you want to join us ,or you can still post here.Just know that you are heard and understood here, and you are stronger than you know. There are people who understand your anguish, anger, frustration and deep sadness, and will try to help you ok?

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Devianz and Tommy's mom thank you so much for your caring words. I read your story's and some others, I didn't know how much pain is out there. I'm so sorry for your unspeakable loss. One always things it just happen to others..........I feel the pain and the compassion in your words you wrote me and it kept me going through the day yesterday.  I have close  family I talk to, but they don't know how I feel inside, this big whole inside me.  My husband startet to go to work again this week, so most of the time I'm home alone. I can't go to the store and get grocery's or go anywhere , where people are I know. So I stay home, where I want be anyway. In the mornings it's the worst, when I get up, this sadness is unbearable. Sometimes, like now, I can't find no more words to say/write anything, I feel so empty, helpless, paralyzed .....I could die right now. I miss him so much.

 

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I felt that way too, at first Silky. I didn't want to see anyone I knew and felt like everyone was judging me. Most of my closest friends didn't know what to say to me and so they just weren't around either. It was stunning how isolated and alone you feel after you lose a child, like no one wants to address it for fear of hurting or offending you. It's very hard and it will take so much time for you to find a new normal.

For me, after a few months I found a class for ceramics (pottery) and signed up and I found that channeling my silence and energy into clay was very helpful. I started to go to the store for short trips with my husband as early as the store opened so there weren't as many people there. But only do it when you think you can handle it.  I still have bad days were I don't leave the house but I am slowly finding my footing.  The sadness never really goes away, but when you are ready you can start small and take each moment at your own pace. Don't be afraid to ask your husband and family for help either, you need time to grieve and not worry about pushing your own limits. If you try too much or force yourself too hard it can lead to putting on masks and faking being happy and that only prolongs the healing.  It makes it harder for people to see how you are really feeling and reach out to you. 

Don't worry about others right now, worry about yourself and take your time with your grief. I write in a journal, not anything prolific but just a few lines a day to give my summary of that day or the start of a new one. I find that writing how I am feeling down also helps. You have to find a healthy way to express yourself, and I certainly spent more than my share of mornings in bed hiding from the world until after lunch. It's okay to feel that way, and it's okay to not leave the shelter of your bed and bedroom.  Take it easy and take it slow Silky.

Much love to you and your husband.

~Margo

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Good advice margo. I did not leave my house for months and months alone I just needed someone with me. grief can cause all kinds of reactions. I also developed a phobia of my home phone because I didn't know who was on the other end so only answered my cell to my children and parents and sister. I am well over that now but it was weird.I also had days of endlessly playing computer games or watching mindless tv because that was all I could manage to do after getting up in the morning. Shooting stupid coloured balls just made me feel better. As my concentration grew I progressed to games that require strategy and thought. and a modicum of intelligence. I stopped listening to music which is a love of mine for a long time. Grief not only changes who you are it saps your energy and concentration and ability to speak. Just do what is right for you Silky, you will gradually get to a stage when you feel stronger and able to take on more challenges. Being in bed makes you feel safe and closeted from the world and sometimes that is what you need on that day. Some days you feel like you can do a little more or able to achieve a small goal so go with it as you can.Sometimes you don't feel able to post or read any posts because you are too raw and that is fine, probably all of us have taken breaks, as long as you know we are here for you ok?

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LOVE YOU SON!! and How do We Miss YOU!!!

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Hi AllenB just a quick note to say welcome to the forum, although I know this is not a site that parents do not wish to be on because it means they too have lost a child. I am sorry you lost your son. many of us here have lost children of a similar age. i hope you connect with someone here so we can help you if we can. Sharing can be very difficult and very painful but it does help. I hope you feel able to share more about your boy when you feel able.

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Thank you for your kind words Tommy's mum.

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AllenB we are in the same boat, I am just a bit further ahead of you in my journey. You are not alone ok?

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I know thank you, but being over here in Germany, we really do feel alone. Yes we do go weekly and talk to a counselor but each and every day is hard.  Our world went to hell 36 days a go.

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You are still not alone. family and friends can be reached by phone or skype, there will be help in your community if you look out for it, and we are here when you tap your keyboard and let us know what you are feeling. After suffering a mental breakdown and being very unwell for months i developed agrophobia so could not leave my house. I could not manage to attend a group and anyway face to face at that time was impossible for me, so this online forum was really helpful and still is. You are very early in getting counselling, many counsellors prefer you to wait for a few months after, because you are still dazed and overwhelmed and sometimes are not able to grasp facts or be emotionally ready to accept the reality and enormity of your loss.  therapy and counselling are often much more effective later on down the line when the sanity and reasoning return and you become more able to share and speak. That is not a criticism of you at all please understand. However i am really glad you do have someone to talk to that is important especially as you feel isolated. I began bereavement counselling a year after losing my son and it has been an incredible help. I was not ready before but it still took a long time to come to terms with losing Tommy and our altered family group. Some parents seek help years later because they recognise they are stuck in a cycle of grieving and need extra help to be able to move on with life more peacefully. Whatever it takes and whenever. The thread Loss of an adult child is the most active forum on this site and helps to keep us more in one place so feel free to join us there or you can still post here it is upto you. You are not alone ok?

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Tommy's Mum,

 I know we are not alone, and coming here reassures me that we are not, just there is not support here like in the US or UK, that we have found,  Damn I miss my Son. Every moment it hurts.

HUG Your Kids Everyday and Tell Them that You LOVE Them!

You do not know when the Lord shall take them away,

Ruhe In Frieden My Son! We Love You!

Steven B.

3 Dec 2000- 28 Jan 2017

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Life Without You

 

Life without you, now that you are gone, has my heart forever scorned,

So much life, dreams and wishes that will be no more, I ask why, oh why God, to no adjoin,

You were a light that everyone could see, but life without you, there is nothing left of me.

Nothing can take the pain away except the memories of you

Each day the pain I share because you were taken away too soon,

Days without a Son, that was so happy and true, now will always be days of mourning until I pass on to

Just over six weeks has passed now since you were called home

But My Love for you Son, will always be there for now and evermore.

Sixteen years I loved you and was so happy to be your Dad,

Those were the best time in my life that I ever had

A Son’s Love is priceless worth more than money and gems

But I will never hear you say I love you to me ever again

Knowing we will meet again in heaven with skies a blue

Has me looking forward to that day too

 

For my Son, Steven

3 December 2000- 28 January 2017

 

 

Written by Allen B.

 

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Allenb that poem was heartfelt and beautiful. The love you had for your son Steven is clear, and you loved being his dad. Keep sharing as you feel able, let us know a bit more about your boy. We understand your pain and anguish at losing him too soon.

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Life is so hard, the pain is so hard , I believe that is the way the rest of my life will be,,, Just Sad.  Missing him more and more everyday. Just over 9 weeks now since we lost our Son...

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allenb my heart goes out to you, join us on Loss of an adult child as that is the most active thread and you can meet other parents who grieve for their children ok?

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Just over 11 weeks, LIFE IS STILL HELL, and I guess it will be until I pass too.

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Almost 14 weeks now, Still Hell :-(

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allenb yes it is hell, total hell and i wish i could spare you some of that pain, but it is an individual path you need to follow to eventually come through on the other side, battered, bruised but not beaten, but it is a long long road. tell us a bit more about your son if you can find the words I understand it was so recent so you may not feel able to share yet.The anger and injustice burn like a fire inside in contrast to the cold dampness of sorrow, but there are good people here who can help and listen to you. you may feel isolated but you are not alone ok?

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Thank you Tommy's mum

Steven, Was a very loving, caring teenager, yeah was a normal teenage,(didn't want to clean room and stuff like that, and he would stomp up stairs, and slam the door if we had to ground him), But he was a typical teenager, And I know that when he was with his friends he honestly loved to brighten their day. even if he was not having a good day.. He was a ray of light to his friends and family.   I loved to see his smile when all the family would get together, that's how I knew we LOVES his family so much. I MISS HIM!!!!

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Allenb gosh i remember those teenage years, the swings between being a kid wanting love and attention and then wanting independence and freedom and thinking that adults don't know anything!! doors slamming, excuses and chores not being done I remember that well. I love children and have spent my whole career with them, first in the Neonatal Intensive care unit, then pediatrics then being a stay at home mum to my 4 then being an inhome day care worker, followed by being a preschool teacher and special needs coordinator. But teenagers are a whole different story right? I always used to joke they should go to boarding school or boot camp for a couple of years to appreciate how good they have it! one thing we all have in common is that our children all seemed to have bags of energy and personality and the ability to love others and lift people's spirits. None of them seemed to be quiet or insular, so that is why there is such a huge space where they used to be and why it is so hard to adjust to life without them being in it. My Tommy was such a livewire and hyperactive, noisy and social and not above breaking rules which did cause trouble sometimes. He was no angel and caused us no end of worry at times with his impulsivity and poor choices but he was so easy to love and forgive too. Big personality, big, big loss. it is hard to see why this happened to us and feeling anger, sorrow and bitterness is totally normal. Thanks for sharing a little i appreciate it, and please keep on talking whenever you can about your son, I would like to hear more about him.

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I am so sorry for your sudden accidental loss of your teenage son, we just lost our teenage son as well-12 days ago- nothing can ever be more painful than losing our child. I miss his smile, his funny phrases and everything in between. yes, he threw his teen autistic fits, but i even miss those!! we forget so many things in our lies but somehow we will never forget the worst days in our lives. 

i pray all of us find some peace thru all the pain and tears. it doesnt seem as though it is possible right now for us. 

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On 3/14/2017 at 8:25 AM, Allen B said:

Life Without You

 

Life without you, now that you are gone, has my heart forever scorned,

So much life, dreams and wishes that will be no more, I ask why, oh why God, to no adjoin,

You were a light that everyone could see, but life without you, there is nothing left of me.

Nothing can take the pain away except the memories of you

Each day the pain I share because you were taken away too soon,

Days without a Son, that was so happy and true, now will always be days of mourning until I pass on to

Just over six weeks has passed now since you were called home

But My Love for you Son, will always be there for now and evermore.

Sixteen years I loved you and was so happy to be your Dad,

Those were the best time in my life that I ever had

A Son’s Love is priceless worth more than money and gems

But I will never hear you say I love you to me ever again

Knowing we will meet again in heaven with skies a blue

Has me looking forward to that day too

 

For my Son, Steven

3 December 2000- 28 January 2017

 

 

Written by Allen B.

 

this is nearly the worst part, we had worked so hard, spent so many hours working towards our life goals with him. cant do senior pictures, no senior trips, no vocational programs. the school did issue his diploma!! he was a successful chicken farmer (2 different papers wrote about him) he was the most loving, most wonderful brother any of his siblings couldve ever asked for. but our future is gone, our love is gone, our world has stopped. God bless you

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Mamatink7.

I am SO, So sorry for your lose, It is the hardest  and most painful thing in the world. 17 Weeks in and the PAIN is still Very much there. I miss my Son, would give my life for his in a heart beat.

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