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Not coping with loss of Mum


jennysc

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My mother died suddenly five weeks ago.  She was 72.

She had been an enormous part of my life and that of my kids.  My brother was killed in an accident when he was 16 and my father committed suicide some years later.  I got through those because I had Mum to lean on and she had me.  Now I have no one.  I have never been so lonely in all my life.  I can't stop crying, feeling complete desolation and acute lonliness.  I don't seem to be able to sleep, eat or think properly.  The odd occasion I have tried to get my life back to some semblance of normality and go out to the store etc I either break down and make a fool of myself or crash the car (I've done this twice now - just can't get my head around driving atm and feel I am a danger to myself and others.)

My kids have been great but they are getting fed up with me now.  They are just trying to go through their own grief process and don't really need me bringing them down all the time.  They are getting angry with me.

Quite honestly, I don't feel I can go on with this life without Mum. There is nothing left for me here.....

I know the old adage that time is a healer - but I don't want time. I want my Mum :o(

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garyreachingout

Dear Jenny:  please be careful careful careful!! 

you are certainly describing that you are in a life threatening situation for yourself.  i see and understand all too clearly.  when my mom died i got so sick, did nothing to care for myself, almost stopped eating, got worse and worse, and remember well lying in bed, unwilling unable to get out of bed, so surprised at how ill i was and then i saw ... i was trying to figure out if i wanted to live or die now that she was gone.

for me, the turnaround point was the tiny decision to get out of bed and take a shower...

it wasn't that after that it all got better, but somehow i knew that despite the pain, the loss, the grief, that i didn't want to die.  that she would not want me to die.  that living is important

the pain never went away but then a few years later my mother came to me in a dream, a moment so vivid that honestly it wasn't a dream, it was a visitation, and it was her !!! so much younger and more vital and alive and she touched my shoulder as i sat at the table and there she was ... telling me not to worry, not to suffer so much, that she was in a happier place.

and i woke and the pain has never been as bad since.  something was lifted with her visit.

so when i read your post i worry for you, dear stranger yet friend, please see that you are in danger and the spirit of your mother ... what would she say to you, do for you, offer you?  wouldn't she want to help?  open your heart to the spirit help that she has planted in you, and offers from the other side.  realize that you do have reasons to live, if not for yourself, if not for your kids, then to validate the meaning of the relationship that your mother poured from her to you.

ohm, forgive all this advice, but...accidents while driving ... family history of suicide ... the danger you face is real.  reaching out to others thru this post is good.  choosing not to drive is good.  seeking professional help, faith help, medical help .. is good.

simple as it is, going for long walks helped me alot.  i focused on breathing.  i took canteens of water and drank that.  i was away from other family member who could not bear my pain (yes i know what you mean)  i found a new balance of apart and together with family. 

i'm going on and on ... good luck dear soul. good luck.  you can do it.

big hugs

i understand.

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Jenny - I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost my Mom suddenly. I understand how you feel, it just feels so heavy and so difficult and facing the rest of my life without my Mom seems too overwhelming. You mentioned that you're alone, but really you aren't since you have your children. I think you should keep reminding yourself how much they love and need you. They feel the same about you as you did for your Mom, so they really need you right now. Remember that your parents live on through you and your children. Your Mom wants you to be okay. She wants you to find happiness again. (((hugs)))

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Hi Garry and thanks for your kind words.

Thus far seen a grief counsellor who was useless.  He didn't speak or reply to me and I don't have problems talking about it - I'm never stuck for words.  So I feel I may as well have sat and talked to the wall and saved myself some money.

Saw the doctor who prescribed some antidepressants but I'm not sure they have kicked in yet....still feel that my serotonin level is flat lining.

I'm with you on the staying in bed bit.  I do get up but then scuttle back a few hours later unable to face the day.  But I do keep trying - so I guess I don't really want to die either - it's just sooo overwhelming.  I have a few days when I feel I am making progress and then another few days where I am all but suicidal over it all.

And if one more person tells me that she led a full life and it was 'her time' I'll scream.  It wasn't her time - the bloody hospital screwed everything up.  It was a catalogue of errors from start to finish and I am trying so very hard not to lash out at them.  It won't bring her back and is just a waste of (negative) energy.

This life is going to be one long shift without her.......:o(

Jenny xxx

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Thanks for that :o)

You really hit the nail on the head.  I often think that Mum would be going ballistic if she could see me now.  She even wrote me a letter to be opened in the event of her death not asking but telling me not to be too sad.  Easier said than done though.

Yep.  My kids do need me and I feel very selfish atm but just haven't the strength to support anyone.  Just feeling a lot of guilt.  Not about Mum as I was there for her every step of the way but for how I am now and how I am leaving my kids (aged 20 & 22 so not too young) to get through it on their own.  They really don't deserve it.

if only I could stop crying for ten minutes or long enough to do something constructive....

Jenny xxx

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butterfly13

Jenny-Give yourself time,your loss is still so new and raw,I know the pain you are feeling,it will be 2yrs.soon since I lost my mom.Honestly,I can't believe I have made it this long without her,I never thought I would and really didn't want to either.I miss my mom every minute of every day,some days are harder than others,but every day is hard without her.everyone deals with grief differently,I took a month off from work and wouldn't/couldn't talk to anyone.I never thought I could cry so much,I couldn't eat,couldn't sleep,I couldn't function.The pain never goes away,but at least now I  am able to put on a happy face at work and wait until later on when I am alone to let the tears come.Hugs to you-you are not alone!;)

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[user=44827]jennysc[/user] wrote:

And if one more person tells me that she led a full life and it was 'her time' I'll scream.  It wasn't her time - the bloody hospital screwed everything up.  It was a catalogue of errors from start to finish and I am trying so very hard not to lash out at them.  It won't bring her back and is just a waste of (negative) energy.

This life is going to be one long shift without her.......:o(

Jenny xxx

That's how I feel about all the doctors and the hospital who cared for my Mom. They made mistakes all along and now I have no way to fight for my Mom and fight for her life. It's hard because like you say, it won't bring her back, but still it doesn't feel right not doing anything about it. She deserved better care!

My Mom always used to say that about how people who die naturally die when it's their time. She really believed that. Not small kids or younger people, but people who have lived a relatively long life, she felt they died when they were supposed to. So I actually find it comforting to look at it that way since that's what she would be telling me.

That's so great that your Mom left you a letter. She really wants you to be okay. You will get there, it's a slow process and you just lost your Mom so you're still is shock. Keep posting in the group because I think it's very helpful, I know it was for me and still is.

(((hugs)))

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Hi,

I am on the same page Jenny. My mom passed away last month and I am still having a very tough time coping. She was the kindest, sweetest, smartest, most selfless, loving person I know. She did so much for me and my brother and I feel grief, a sense of loss and anger because a doctor screwed up - she could have been with us longer.

I want to file a case but am told its a long-drawn process and will cost much which I am willing to take on. My mom was a very forgiving person and I am a little divided in my mind about next steps.

 

My mom left me and my sibling a letter too - written so many years ago...it breaks my heart that I won't have her to lean on, her wonderful wisdom when I need her most. Also guilt that I didn't do enough in return.

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[user=44827]jennysc[/user] wrote:

My mother died suddenly five weeks ago.  She was 72.

She had been an enormous part of my life and that of my kids.  I got through those because I had Mum to lean on and she had me.  Now I have no one.  I have never been so lonely in all my life.  I can't stop crying, feeling complete desolation and acute lonliness.  I don't seem to be able to sleep, eat or think properly.  The odd occasion I have tried to get my life back to some semblance of normality and go out to the store etc I either break down and make a fool of myself or

Quite honestly, I don't feel I can go on with this life without Mum. There is nothing left for me here.....

I know the old adage that time is a healer - but I don't want time. I want my Mum :o(

I know exactly how you feel! I feel exactly the same way. Every night I am in our house alone. Every morning I wake up and she is not here. She was my lifeline and support for 45 years. I could always rely on her to help me out. Now she is gone. I honestly feel I cannot survive without her love, affection, caring and help. Yes, I was somewhat dependent on her. But now I have to stand on my own 2 feet and honestly don't think I can do it. I have no steady well-paying job, I have no place to move when the house gets sold (until we get married; which I don't know when that will be), I have no place to put my things and I have no retirement.

My whole life is empty without her. I am constantly lonely for her. Even if I am with other people, I am extremely lonely.  I hate my life without her. She was everything to me.

She has been gone only a week. I know it is going to get worse and has in fact gotten worse all the time. It is sinking in more and more each day.

I feel my life really is over and I am seeing less and less reason to live. It is simply too painful and not what I wanted in my dreams and aspirations 25 years ago. I am headed in a direction I never wanted. I am where I never wanted to be. I have never felt this desperate in my life.

 

 

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I know exactly how you feel. I am still feeling that way after three years.  I have heard that time will heal all things.  But like you I don't want time I want my dad.  I don't know whether your mother was cremated or buried.  My dad was cremated and I have his ashes with me everyday.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I cry all the time.  People have went so far as to tell me to get over it he is not coming.  Now I wanted to fight at those words, but instead I just cried like a newborn baby.  I just don't know what to do just like you.  I can tell you that you have kids that need you so keep pressing on for them if you can't do it for yourself.

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How are you dealing with it Butterfly 13.  I lost my dad 3 years ago.  All I want to do is crawl in a hole and put dirt over me and never come out.  I am having such  a hard time dealing with this.

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butterfly13

rpkdmed-Honestly I just take one day at a time.My life will never be the same again without my mom.I too,have her ashes and talk to her all the time.Since my mom died I have read alot on life after death,anything on that subject to try and believe that my mom is somewhere else right now,and that one day we will be together again. That is the only thing that gives me hope these days.I have also had a few things happen to me after my mom died that I truly felt were signs from her.It's sad to say but I almost can't wait to die,if that means me seeing my best friend again-than I'm ready!!!I know that is a sick way to think,but it's how I feel now.This life is too painful.Now when I go to bed I think-good,another day gone!!And honestly,I can't believe how fast the 2yrs.have gone by without my mom.I know these are not encouraging words,I hope you are feeling better and more positive than I am.:?

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I have actually ask GOD to take me home.  I feel the same way you do.  Most people would say we are sick for thinking this way.  However i really don't give a hoop anymore.  hope we can continue to talk.  I want to crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over me and just die. That is how I feel.document.write('mad.gif');mad.gif

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butterfly13

yes,I don't tell too many people how I feel,they would think I'm crazy or suicidal.I just don't care anymore,but unless they have experienced such a loss,they have no idea!!!Alot of my friends still have both of their parents,both of mine died when they were in their 50's,so I feel like I got cheated,but I know that no matter how old they were when they died,it would still hurt just as much.I wonder why God gives you these wonderful people to love,just to rip them out of your life forever?

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I know what you mean.  I have asked him that question so many times.  My mom is still living, however she disowned me years ago.  I still try to get in contact with her, but she always changes her number.  That hurts me just like she is gone also.  But when I lost my dad my whole world crumbled and I don't know how to pick up the pieces of my life and put it back together.  I have more crying and anger spells than the law allows.  I don't know how to control my feelings or even if I should.  I just want to curl up into a ball and die.  I WANT MY DAD BACK SO BAD IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HURTS!!!!!!!document.write('mad.gif');mad.gif

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butterfly13

I am so sorry you aren't in contact with your mom,that must be very painful.I remember when my dad died,my mom was my support system,she really helped me through the hard times.But now that she is gone,my support is also gone.I feel like the world is so empty without her,I often think-it isn't fair that the world keeps going on without her,don't they realize that such an important person is no longer here?I feel that you should let out your emotions,scream,cry,do whatever you feel you need to do,their is no right or wrong way of grieving.I do keep my emotions to myself all day long at work,but the min.I am alone and in my car,the tears start falling.It's the emptiness that hurts,and just the thought that I will never talk to my mom again makes me feel like I will go crazy!:shock:

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family

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