Members Meesh Posted February 21, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 To everyone, forgive me for not posting as much as some, i visit often and read all your words but feel as though everything i'm feeling is often said by you all, Its been nearly 3 months since my partners death and today is 3 months exactly since the accident, maybe thats why i feel so bad, it has been a bad day for me, i felt as bad today as i did at the beginning of my journey, it came out of the blue and somewhat surprized and overwhelmed me, i thought i had been doing ok but I had all these emotions drowning my brain again, hurt, anger, panic, you all know the thoughts, tears flowed and i was just so exhausted i laid on my settee under a blanket and had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to die, i didnt want to kill myself so i dont think it was a suicidal thought but i just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, i am so tired of this sadness i want it to go but know its not ever gonna go away, i feel as though my life is just destined for a future full of nothingness, so whats the point of wanting to live, i hate it all, every second of my life without my soulmate is pure torture, it will be his birthday on saturday, he would have been 56, we had booked a wknd away, all paid for so my sister is gonna come with me in his place, the way i feel now i do not want to go but he would hate me to waste the money so i'm going for him, he is the true love of my life and I cannot visualise a future without him. Is the sun ever gonna shine on us all again, i truly hope so, some days i feel hope for the future but today i feel total despair, i used to be a fun loving person, we was a fun loving couple, laughing all the time, that was how we were and now i do not think i have a laugh in me, i dont even recognise myself anymore, i hope i have a better day tommorrow, i want the energy to want to live for my 2 kids if not for myself, why has life been so damned cruel to us all. Thinking of you all x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted February 21, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 Meesh, I know what the bad days are like. I managed a rough weekend. Got out for a couple of walks, which helped some. This morning, got up in a foul mood. It started raining in the early afternoon and it hasn't stopped. So many times over the months, I've gotten back in bed, wishing to fall asleep and wake up to my husband and our life. Never going to happen and it hurts so much. This journey is certainly an up and down, inside out, path to endure. Hang in there ,Meesh. We are all hanging on. Hope you have a better tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted February 21, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 Meesh, Your pain comes through so clearly in your post. That feeling of wanting to die...I know it all too well. I lost my beloved girlfriend almost a month ago very suddenly and unexpectedly. I have had many days where I wish I would just not wake up. Where I ask why I must continue to be tortured living in this world without my soulmate. My denial is starting to fade fully and the true reality, the full implications of her loss are starting to truly set in for me. I can't use denial or wishful thinking anymore as a crutch. I have to start to truly face the sad reality I have been put into. I will have a lot of bad days. The knowledge of this alone scares me, because I like you was always a happy person, I was upbeat, funny and, just like my girl, would "brighten up the room" according to my friends. Now all I am is a big downer, a sad lump just existing, wasting oxygen and food, waiting to die and join my lost love. I lost all my spirit, my happiness when she passed. I imagine this is how you are feeling right now. And let me tell you, it sucks. I can't promise you it will get better anytime soon. I can't even give you any words to soothe you, because there are none. All I can tell you is that I truly do understand how you feel, and wish above all else that I could bring every single lost love back who everyone on this board has lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted February 21, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 Meesh, I get that up and down crash. I'm at a low point myself right now. But we will get through it. It will take work, effort that we don't think right now we will be able put in. But we will. We have to, for our children, and for our lost loved ones who would want us to. You have a lot going on right now. Two 3 month anniversaries of tragic events that have changed your entire life. A birthday, a planned trip without the one you have every right to be with. It is all so unfair. Take a deep breath. Drink water. Rest and eat if you can. Do the same things we all learned to do in those first few awful days. Take care of yourself. You will find the energy you need. You will get back to that feeling of doing ok. You will want to see your childrens future again. I won't tell you that tomorrow will be a better day, but one of the many tomorrows will be. I hope your weekend away is a better time for you. I hope you enjoy the caring spirit of your lost love guiding you to a more peaceful place in this painful life we are leading. I hope your sister cares for you in the way that only family can. What I know is that with patience, the sun will eventually shine upon us all. P.S. There is nothing to forgive. Post when you want to. Help when you can. Read when you need to. But most of all, just keep being the wonderful person you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 21, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 15 hours ago, Meesh said: i am so tired of this sadness i want it to go but know its not ever gonna go away That's true, however, it won't stay this sad, it will be a level more easily lived with later on and you will learn to live with it. I would think it'd be extremely hard to go to the place you were going to go to with him, with your sister. I canceled our anniversary plans after his death, I just couldn't go through with it, so you're braver than I was. I hope you do have a good time with your sister, I hadn't thought to do that, I'd thought I'd have to go alone, I guess my brain wasn't working well back then. You say everyone says what you're thinking so you don't post...no need to, but I'm glad what you are feeling is being expressed and hope it helps you feel less alone in this journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Meesh Posted February 21, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2017 Kmb, fzald, herc and kay c, thankyou all for your kind words, today has been a better day, plenty to do at work to keep my mind from grief even if for a short time. I am so grateful to all you kind people for kind and inspiring words because as much as i have good people around me looking after me i feel as though i might be becoming draining on people, everyone has been good to me but i'm starting to feel a bit paranoid that i am burdening people with my sadness so its so good to have all your words from people that know how this awful grief feels, i think and feel for you all aswel as myself, so comfort, peace and love to you all x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted February 22, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 We are always going to be here for you, Meesh. All of my mutual friends have already faded away. Yeah, they miss my husband, but not to the extent that I do. They still have their lives, with their spouses. I'm virtually on my own with this journey and if it wasn't for this forum, I don't know where I would be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Meesh Posted February 22, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 Kmb, i know what you mean, people do go back to their own lifes and i suppose thats how it is, and my sister who has and still is so good to me in all this says she appreciates more the time she spends with her own husband because of what happened to me so that makes me happy for her, although when i see couples out and about i get angry and jealous, that makes me feel like not a very nice person at the moment but i dont care its just how i feel and thats as it is. Like you said this forum is a great help to all of us, on bad days and better days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted February 22, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 Meesh, I'm glad your sister is there for you. We all need at least one person who cares. I'm glad she is appreciating her husband more. That is what this life is all about. Compassion, love. Sharing and giving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 22, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 I am close to my sisters but even they cannot begin to understand how I feel, they haven't experienced it. I AM glad we have each other here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KavitaHubby Posted February 22, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 Hi Meesh, So sorry for your loss and pain. We all have those days when life becomes meaning less so just drag yourself thru the day and it will be little better tomorrow. I have tried going out with friends and during the gathering suddenly I will miss her and go out to cry. It is so natural due to the loss of soulmates. I am more than 5 months out but cannot sleep sometimes. Some days i sleep for 4 hours and still feel refreshed and some days for 10 hours and still tired. God has put us on this path without much options so need to move forward. Whenever you feel low think about kids as how much they need you and pain will reduce as you don't want them to be without parent at all. Hugs Manoj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Meesh Posted February 22, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 Thanks all for all your kind words, ive felt better since monday, but i'm under no illusion that i wont have another bad day in the near future, and like you all i'l ride the storm when it comes, i'm same as you 'kavitahubby' it dosnt make a difference the time i sleep it just depends on the grief itself and how it creeps up on me and smacks me in the face. I'm goin to try enjoy my wknd with my sister, we're goin to london, and i'l be back sunday teatime to meet my soulmates family, his siblings and daughters, we decided all to meet to av a drink and celebrate his life for his birthday date, they are all good people and its all gonna be bittersweet for me but hope i get through it ok, and that will be another milestone achieved, comfort and peace to you all x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted February 22, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 Meesh, Glad to hear you are doing better. I hope both the weekend away and the meetup for drinks go well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted February 22, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 Meesh, I hope you're doing a bit better, at least a small measure. It's nice that you have a good relationship with his family, that's such a valuable connection. Sharing memories AND the grief is so important. Talking and allowing him to "live" through the laughter, heartache and tears is indeed a bitter sweet experience. Peace and comfort, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 23, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 23, 2017 3 hours ago, Meesh said: like you all i'l ride the storm when it comes That's the best way to look at it, Meesh. And you'll make it through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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