When the numbness fades and true grief begins..

[KC81]

Three months have passed since my beloved wife's body was found. 
Nearly four months have passed since the day I last saw her blew dry her hair, had her cereal, washed baby bottles and gave me that last peck on my cheek.
Nearly four months have passed since I last hugged her, since I said my last goodbye. 

The initial self-protection mechanisms of shock, numbness, memory-avoidance and memory-blockage are wearing off since a month ago. 

I have been unable to have the courage to look at her photos or videos other than our engagement photo canvas on the wall. 

It still feels so surreal.  Like we're in an act of play, or someone's plot in a drama where I would expect "Hey! The show's gone on long enough, it's time that she can come back now!"
I need my best friend back.  I miss my wife.  I miss our cuddles on the couch.  I miss having my left arm go numb from her falling asleep on it a hundred times. 
I miss giving her foot massages to put her to sleep. I miss the person I can always depend on to ground myself, whom my heart called home. 

But she's not.  She's never coming back in her physical form.  
Every bit of her physical body and expression that I remembered; the way she smiled; the way her toes looked that I loved teasing her about;
the funny face she makes... the vocal cords that voiced our funny language.  All those anatomical features and physical elements comprising my wife, are all turned into dust.

I'm feeling the anger and discontent toward "Fate", toward the Universe.  
What the ____ happened?  
I know the medical "Why", but really, Why?
I do know I can't be mad at "Fate" or Universe.  But where do I direct the anger?
Some people (whom I will not name) are stuck in their "anger" and "blame" phase of grief, and the husband (I) is an easy target
But I'm angry too!

We used to go everywhere together.  We traveled the world, from the Caribbeans, Peru, Galapagos, to Asia, Italy, Greek islands.  
I knelt in front of her, witnessed by crowds of tourists by the small bridge behind Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.  I remember the jacket she wore when she was standing in front of me, and said "Yes". (The jacket was cremated with her) 

We put our love lock on the bridge.  We had our engagement photos done in Paris by one of the top wedding photographers. 

I remember how we loved our time during our honeymoon in the islands of Tahiti and French Polynesia. 
I remember how Absolutely ecstatic we were when we found out we are expecting a baby.
I remember the exact moment that was the happiest time of my life, with the birth of our baby son. 
I remember how absolutely dedicated she was to him. 
I remember how I was devoted to her every need at the maternity ward and at home.
I remember how I joked to everyone we'll keep having babies until we get a girl, who she can play dress-up and buy all kinds of Hello Kitty toys. 
I remember how I promised her that we'll go back to all the places we've visited before and more, with our son and future children. 

In my wedding vow two and half years ago, I remember I hated the line "till death do us apart" 
Because I KNOW death will NOT do us apart. 
I KNOW our love and bond is stronger than death. 
Our love goes on,  I knew it, and I know it still. 

Instead, I said:  "On this day, I take you as my companion forever, through all of time and space." 
Looking back, I'm glad I said this. 
Perhaps "Fate" knew what will happen.

She is and will always be my soul's companion. 
 

[KC81]

I'm not afraid of death.  

When death comes, I shall welcome it with open arms.  For I will be going home. 

Oh how I wish I could go with her. 
But for now, I cannot go yet. 

Our baby needs a parent.  It is my duty to him and to her, to raise him, and raise him well. 
My parents and sibling need me.  I cannot bear with the thought of them going through the pain I'm going through. 
My friends love me.  I cannot bear with the thought of them going through the pain I'm going through. 
The society, strangers on the road, on social media care so much about me and our story.  Lives of several new moms are already saved.
I cannot bear with the thought of making this tragedy a bigger tragedy. 

I need to stop more people from going through the gut-wrenching pain I'm going through.
From the happiest time of my life, to the worst times of my life, with the suicide of my wife, a new mom, in a span of 2 months. 

How I wish I could just go with her. 
But I can't. 
So I won't. 
So I need to choose life. 

Do I want to live miserably in everlasting grief?
or Do I want to live positively and with strong purposes?

I know which version of me she loved, loves. 
I can envision her scolding me for thinking negatively. 
And I always listened to her.

I will strive to be the happy, optimistic, caring person that she loved, loves. 
I will try my best to take care of myself, to love myself, so I can be the best dad for our baby. 
I will try to find happiness.  I don't know when, or if I can ever open up my heart for another soul. 
I just know I will never forget.  I will always remember. 
I hope that does not mean I will always be in pain.  It's hard not to imagine a life of everlasting pain and longing...

[KC81]

My spirituality is what's keeping me going these days. 
Friends and counselors help. 
But it's my spirituality that gives me peace and strength. 

My wife believed in afterlife;  she had witness a few "things" that were impossible to explain scientifically. 
We made a pact over a year ago that should one of us die first, the one who dies first will try to communicate with the living one via clear but non-scary signs. 

I believe I've felt several physical signs, had a couple vivid dreams, experienced many uncanny coincidences or help at the least likely but most needed times, from the least expected source.

I believe. 

 

[B7176]

Wow!! I truly admire your way of thinking. This morning I cried all the way to work hoping to get ran off the road so this nightmare will end. I never thought about the pain I will cause others if that was to happen until you mentioned it. I have a 7 month old son and lately I've become selfish. I even planned who I'm going to leave him with once I'm gone. I guess I was having one of those days. But your story made me realize that I need to choose life for myself and my love ones. No one derseves this pain I'm feeling. Thank you for sharing! 

[Francine]

KC81

Your thread was beautifully written and touched my heart so.  It is so evident that she was a beautiful person both inside and out and meant the world to you.  So apparent that you love and miss her and she was a loss for all those who did not get to experience her presence. She's in the sun, the wind, the rain, she's in the air you breathe with every breath you take.  My heart is heavy for you; I know the pain all to well to lose your best friend, your lover, your whole world, your life.  

You don't ever get over it, you just get through it; you don't get by it because you can't get around it.  It doesn't get better, it just gets different.  While death might be the last chapter in time, it is the first chapter in eternity.  When you lose a loved one you, you gain an angel whose name you know.  Words are not enough to ease your deep sorrow in the loss of someone so special in your life. But Gods word it.   Psalm 147:3 reads, "He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.".

When my husband was taken from this earth, a bright light within me just went dark - dark shadows were everywhere; the daylight came back eventually, but the brightness was never the same.  No words could heal the pain in my heart; no wounds were as deep as mine and I didn't want to hear that, in time, I would be OK; that in time, my pain would heal.    It was like God had abandoned me; that he had been so cruel to me. My husband was a good man, a family man, a father, brother, a grandfather, a friend, my best friend - and he was taken away.  My priest consoled me commenting that even God chooses the 'best' and that I needed only to stop covering my eyes to seek the bright "light" again.  The bright "Light"  is and always was in me. Enlightenment is but a recognition, not a change at all.  Death is a gateway to eternity and I know my husband's soul enlightens the garden of paradise.   

I know that she was your world and you can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she lived.  You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that she left.  Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared with her.  You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  You can remember her and only that she's gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.  You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what She would have wanted you to do, Smile, Open your eyes, Love and be kind. The two of you will meet again, only this time, it will be forever in eternity.  That, my friend, is going to be amazing.  

I pray that God's loving comfort will fill our hearts. HE will reveal to us his purpose of our loved one's death or the good that can come from our loss.  I pray that God will help us regain strength and confidence in Jesus name.

God Bless and keep us safe!

[KMB]

KC81, Francine---Your postings come from the heart and I so needed to read these words of yours today. Bless you both.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, KC81 said:

In my wedding vow two and half years ago, I remember I hated the line "till death do us apart" 
Because I KNOW death will NOT do us apart. 
I KNOW our love and bond is stronger than death. 
Our love goes on,  I knew it, and I know it still. 

I hate that our government throws that part in.  I know they do so for legal reasons, I remember when the social security office proclaimed that George and my marriage ended in death...I was devastated to hear that!  How insensitive to tell someone that when their husband just died that week!  The husband they loved more than life itself!  How wrong!
Our love did NOT end in death, nothing could end our relationship, our love.  Legally the government can proclaim whatever they want and we have to abide by the laws, can no longer put down "married"  but beyond that they have no jurisdiction on our marriage, our love, our relationship.

[babypeanut]

i'm glad you folks have those beliefs, i'm sure they give you comfort. since i personally do not have a religious affilation or believe in spiritual entities, and please don't take that statement as trying to challenge beliefs other than mine, i guess it's different for people like myself. my belief is when it's over it's over. it's been 12 days since i lost my sweetheart whom i was with for 10 years, & i'm still pretty numb although the feelings of sadness, and yes, anger, are poking through at times. i will be going to the cemetery on wed next week with some of his family members, i'm not sure how i feel about it but i think it's important that i go. i chose not to go to the funeral. i was at the hospital when they took him off the life support, he died 3 days later. he was not there, there was no measurable brain activity, but, he was warm and breathing, i said goodbye. i had one of those vivid dreams this past sun night/mon morning at 3 am, precisely one week after he went into cardiac arrest. i miss him terribly but i'm pretty good at keeping my feelings numb. anyway, a lot of beautiful things have been said in this thread, & i'm really glad this is here. i really hope everyone is doing ok today, and thank you all for posting. oh, @KayC , i just got his facebook profile memorialized & changed my relationship status from 'in a relationship with' to 'widow of since'. that hurt but i have to accept what has happened. re the gov't stuff, i know that hurt, but, it's just bureaucracy, which has little to nothing to do with anybody's reality.

[ModHerc]

Babypeanut,

Everyone is welcome here.  Being agnostic, I have a different set of beliefs than most here, yet they have helped me immeasurably in my time here.  I particularly like some of Francine's posts.  The passion she speaks with and the comfort she wishes to pass on to others is remarkable, and while I may not share her beliefs, the kind and wonderful person she is brightens my heart, and the love she shows to all of us is something I aspire to do as well.  I found this article, which spoke to me on a few levels. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-a-rizvi/atheists-death_b_4134439.html

I love some of the ideas and the imagery in it.  While my beliefs are different, I do think there's some kind of life energy, a soul, or spirit, whatever you want to call it, this gave me some comfort.  I hope it does the same for you.

[KayC]

It may be bureaucracy, but they can keep their comments to themselves, I thought it in extremely poor taste.  I left their office sobbing.

[Francine]

1 hour ago, Herc said:

I love some of the ideas and the imagery in it.  While my beliefs are different, I do think there's some kind of life energy, a soul, or spirit, whatever you want to call it, this gave me some comfort.  I hope it does the same for you.

Thanks Herc,

That's the beauty of this website.  We can have different beliefs and still be encouraging and uplifting to one another.  We are all on this journey together and if we can give just one person a little comfort, than it's worth it.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.     

[babypeanut]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It may be bureaucracy, but they can keep their comments to themselves, I thought it in extremely poor taste.  I left their office sobbing.

forgot to hit the notify me button. unfortunately, that is just how many people are, which comprise the gov't's, organizations & corporations. don't know, don't care, no manners, no respect, no common sense, etc. it's very sad, but, it just is like that. sometimes i want to say something like 'oh, were you raised by wolves?' but i feel that would be a gross insult to the wolves. i totally get how it can get under your skin, especially if you happen to be in a vulnerable state. i  tend to get angry in those types of situation, and have to watch myself.

[KayC]

I totally relate to what you say.  That first week was just extremely hard, especially since it was unexpected.

[KC81]

I opened up with my counselor earlier today, did a lot of the talking myself in fact - talking things out, including and especially the darkest thoughts, is therapeutic and cathartic in a way. 
It is very important for me to talk to someone who's "seen it all", is objective, and who I feel can help guide me. 

I did print out what I typed at the beginning of this thread.  I tried to read it to her but ended up giving the pages to her.  I was pretty choked up when I got to " Oh how I wish I could go with her. "

She asked a good question along the line of "Does it sometimes feel like continuing on living is more painful than putting an end to it?"
I said sometimes it does feel that way, sometimes it feels like I'm staying alive for the benefit of others, and to avoid spreading the pain.  I did mention my biggest protective factor is that I know my wife would be so mad if I join her now.  Plus there is still so much to work on in my life to spread her legacy, to let the world know about us, and to save lives.

I lived my married life adhering to the golden rule of "happy wife, happy life".  Even if she's not in physical form, I still will strive to keep her happy and not disappoint her.

The counselor also asked "if at anytime you feel suicidal, will you go to the hospital?"

I said of course, I do want to live, there are still a lot of things to live for and to dedicate my life to. 
One of the things I joke about to my friends is "I still want to see all of Star War's sequels and all those good movies that are coming out!  I gotta stay alive for that!"

[reader]

Dear KC,

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I know its devastating losing your beautiful wife. You were a devoted husband. And still are. Grief is a terrible journey. I wish none of us had to go through it. Life is so unfair. It sounds like the counselor has been supportive. I guess we all have to keep going forward the best we can. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.