SO disappointed by reactions from friends- anyone else experienced this?

[Anjelica]

Hey- I'm new to this forum. I joined because I'm REALLY struggling with the reactions from some of my friends to the loss of my dad. My dad died at the beginning of February. My mum died in 2004 so I have no parents left and I am an only child. Because of this, my friends have become very important to me, and almost like family.

*Most* of them have been amazing- kind, sensitive and supportive. But quite a few seem to be completely avoiding me now and for the life of me I cant work out why or how they could be so cold and in my view,- cruel. Ive not been hassling them night and day for support or anything like that but someone I loved DIED for heavens sake and they are acting like its no big deal and have barely even asked me how I'm coping- one of my friends hasn't even mentioned it! I DONT expect them to say something profound or deep that will take my pain away- nothing could ever do that but to act like nothing has happened?- I just dont get it. I feel very very angry about this and my knee jerk reaction is just to cut them out of my life for good, because really- what is the point of friendship if they cant be there for you in your greatest time of need? Has anyone else experienced this and if so, how did you deal with it?- did you drop those friends? Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated x

[Dgiirl]

Welcome Anjelica.  I'm sorry for your loss.  It is definitely a painful time which no one can really take away the pain and most words are simply inadequate.

As for your friends, is this something you can talk to them about?   Have you tried to talk about your Dad and they change the topic or are you hoping they bring it up but they don't?   It is so hard to know why your friends are acting this way but emotions make people act in so many different ways.

I have some friends who go out of their way to hug me and ask a lot of personal questions, which at times is helpful, at other times more frustrating then if they said nothing.  I had a friend at work ask me if I was close to my dad, and I couldn't fathom someone asking me that and broke down in tears.  I have other friends at work, who never ask me anything, cant really deal with me emotionally, but they have also been able to get my extended leave of absence for 2 months before my Dad's death fully covered.  

So as you can see, people react differently, and sometimes to extremes of one another, and at different times, each reaction is needed over others.  Everyone in my life, and hopefully yours, has good intentions, they just handle things differently.   Some will be there and will let you talk and cry on your shoulder, perhaps because they have gone through similar pain of losing a parent. Other's won't be comfortable with emotion, perhaps they feel too vulnerable or don't have a clue on the pain you are going through, but they are good at giving your brain a break from grief and give you a distraction. And sometimes, its our own grief at fault.  Because of the pain, we are super hypersensitive and no matter what someone does, it won't be adequate.  

I would take an honest look at the situation and see if your friends have good intentions or not.  If they don't have good intentions, then I would simply distance myself.  They may reenter my life down the road when it is not so raw. However, If they have good intentions, then I would forgive them and only depend on them for what they are equipped to perform.  You will need both an emotional outlet and an escape from grief, so use your friends accordingly.

 

[Anjelica]

Thank you for your response Dgiirl. I agree that their intentions arent bad or malevolent in any way. It IS interesting to note that the friends who have been avoiding me are the ones who have never lost anyone close to them and I think that might explain their apparent lack of empathy.

Even so, I still find it incredibly hurtful.  I'm far from perfect but one thing I can honestly say is that I have ALWAYS been there for them when they have been through hard times in life (regardless if I had been through that particular trial myself) and I think its this lack of reciprocity that I'm finding particularly brutal and hard to come to terms with. I understand that death is not an easy topic for most people to grapple with and it induces fear for so many people but I guess I feel like thats just part of being a true friend- you do stuff that might be a bit uncomfortable because you love and care for that person and because theyve also been there for you in the past. Your last two sentences really resonated with me. Ive been googling this topic and I didn't realise how widespread this issue is for so many people. I found this quote on another website about grief which I think sums it up for me:

Quote

 

You could go to Disneyland with just about anyone and everything would be ponies & rainbows. The sacred journey of deep healing decrees that we carefully select our cohorts. For these types of journeys it’s better to have a small group of fierce healing warriors in the arena with you than a thousand fans cheering you on from the stands. (truth is we need both)

I am not suggesting that you ‘unfriend’ people who aren’t able to stand in the fire with you. Rather cast the characters in your life story in the roles they can best play. We need all types of people in our world!

 

I think this is what I am going to do. I wont cut them out of my life, but I will start being a bit more selective about whom I spend time with and I have to say, I'm not going to make myself quite so "available" to them when its their turn to take one of life's unfortunate punches.

I hope someone else finds this quote helpful

[Dgiirl]

That's a really interesting quote.  I like it.  

As for your last statement, I wouldn't let their actions change who you are.  If it is in your nature to be supportive to others, I wouldn't stop doing that just because they couldn't do it in turn.  Perhaps they need to go through a difficult time and have your support to fully appreciate what you have done for them and for them to realize the error of their ways.  On the other hand, you should never give too much of yourself if you will resent them not reciprocating.  It's a balance between being yourself without over extending yourself.  I've also been in your situation in the past where friends simply were not there for me.  I didn't resent them, but I had to truly evaluate our relationship and see if it was working for me.  I distance myself from them, and although I have no hard feelings, it does hurt to see they let the relationship go too. I just realized I was giving too much and I probably shouldn't.  To each their own.  Some ppl are in our lives for a short time while others are there for much longer.  

[Athina]

Dear Anjelica, my deepest condolences to your loss. I lost a mother almost 4 months ago and I can relate to so many things you are sharing.

I consider myself young to lose a mother (I was 35. Well, I know, not so young after all, I'm an adult, but nobody from my "friends" have suffered such a loss). My mom's death caught me off guard as it was sudden and unexpected. My mother died while visiting me in another country where I live and work. After her death I had to deal with a lot of paperwork and issues like repatriation which exausted me to bits. Seriously, there were moments I thought I would not survive this. I needed my friends most at that time. But nobody understood what I was going through. We held a memorial service after we received my mother's ashes but none of my friends cared to come and pay their respects. That was the most hurtful thing, I guess. I understand that funerals are uncomfortable. Still...  And on the record, I thought I had friends who I could rely on. I had several really close friends and I have been for them in their happy and sad moments. I was always very unselfish and ready to come in the middle of the night if they needed me. One of  my friends was going through a very painful divorce and I was there for her every minute. I was taking care of her when she was a mess and did nothing but crying. And she did not even bother to come to my mother's memorial service. After I told her I was hurt, she said she thought I would feel better with no friends at the funeral. Like, you know, have time to think, live my sad moments alone. Whatever her intentions, no, I don't want her as a friend anymore. 

I also noticed that other friends just change the subject  when I eventually bring up the topic of my grief. It is disappointing. There are also some who act like nothing happened and never say a thing about my mother's death. I cannot understand this. I ended up telling one of them that actually a very bad thing happebed in my life and I cannot pretend like I'm the same person. We do not communicate anymore. 

So yes, grief has rewritten my address book. I have distanced myself from so many people with whom I used to laugh and have fun. 4 months on I am a million years sadder, but I also feel like I'm a million years wiser. At the moment I want to find time to grieve and not feel guilty for still be grieving. I don't want people around me anymore cause in the end most of them care only about themselves. It was interesting to read another perspective of having friends who distracted me from grief. But I wouldn't imagine myself in such a position. Maybe my understanding of friendship was somehow different. But from now on I also won't make myself availabe for others' unhappy moments. 

 

[Guest]

To lose both of your parents is devastating and I can see why you would rely on friends for support. I don't have many friends, but if they were acting this way I would be really upset as well. You say  that their apparent lack of empathy is due to the fact that the have never lost anyone close to them. That's probably the main reason, because I never fully understood death (despite thinking about it for years) until I lost my grandmother. Even so, I feel like they should be more concerned for your well being. I know that many people aren't comfortable discussing death, but if you consider these friends family, I think it is reasonable to assume that they would be trying their best to support you.
For now, you can only give what you get. Focus on people who really matter. More importantly, focus on yourself. Sometimes it seems like we want to make other people happy.. maybe it is better for you to think about who you are and what you would like to do. That doesn't mean you should cut them out of your life, but love yourself first.
This is a painful experience that you should be able to share with others, as long as they reciprocate.

 

[Anjelica]

DGiirl- you are right. I dont want to change who I am. I enjoy helping others, its just part of my nature. But, as you say, giving too much can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. We have to achieve a balance and if a friendship is all give and no take then it ceases to remain a friendship in my eyes and becomes, well, "parasitic"(horrible word but I cant think of any other way to describe it). I think I will also have to do some friendship evaluation.

Athina- I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. 35 IS young to lose your mum- I am in my late 30s now and I often feel a stab of pain in the heart when picking my children up from school when I see other kids being picked up by their grandparents who look spritely well into their 70s and even 80s. That will never be true for my children. They never even had the chance to meet my mother and she would have ADORED them. Your statement about how "grief has rewritten my address book" is oh so familiar to me. Please dont ever feel that you are alone - I know exactly where you are coming from and you should absolutely not feel guilty for still feeling the need to grieve. It is a process and a journey for all of us and it cannot and will not be rushed. I think your so-called friend's statement about you "feeling better with no friends at the memorial" is utterly ridiculous and you deserve better people in your life than that. I mean REALLY? what the heck is wrong with these people? You are in my thoughts and I sincerely hope that you are blessed with new, more empathic friendships in the future ((((hugs))).

new133- "you can only give what you get"- EXACTLY! This has been a harsh lesson for me to learn and I am definately going to put myself first from now on (not in an uncaring, selfish way, but simply in a self nurturing/self care manner). I really do think the reason for their lack of empathy is because they have not been through it themselves. I still find that a bit sad though- I mean, you dont have to have a huge imagination to understand that death is painful. All I ever wanted was a "sorry- I am thinking of you", I never expected them to come out with some profound/poetic statement about grief or death. So yeah, seems like reciprocation is key for me in going forward from now on.

 

 

[reader]

Dear Anjelica,

I can relate to so much of what you are writing about. I'm so sorry to hear how some of your friends have hurt you during this difficult time. I am ashamed to say I think I was one of those people in the past because I just didn't understand the pain and sorrow. My father died four months ago and it has been very humbling. Before my father died and I had heard of so many deaths from colleagues, friends and family. I would normally send a card or say sorry, but in hindsight maybe it was not enough. I did not check in often enough. I know everyone is busy in their lives, but I think I could have been more sensitive. I know its hard to know what to say or do sometimes, but I am ashamed.

I read an article about the mother grieving the loss of her child. A grief counselor said there will be person that will disappoint you in your grief journey but there will also be a person that surprises you in your grief journey. And in my own journey I have been blessed. My true friends and colleagues have supported me. I feel fortunate. It doesn't take away the pain, but it has been humbling.

Like you, I think when you are naturally a sensitive and caring person, you like to think everyone around you is the same. Life is so hard. I try to take heart with quote about people coming into our lives for a reason or a season. And its okay to let go of those friendships that no longer serve us.

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your father. I'm so sorry for your loss Thinking of you. Sending you extra hugs!

 

 

 

[Anjelica]

Thanks reader. I'm very sorry for the loss of your father. I wouldnt at all think you were a person who didn't care- you say you would send a card or say sorry. Thats more than some of my own friends have done! Its thinking of people that matters and it sounds as if you have always done that so I dont think you are one of the *thoughtless* people I was referring to in my post. Theres not really much more you can do. You're right that I tend to hold people to the same standard as myself and I guess thats where I go wrong. I should, perhaps, stop having such high expectations of people because thats when I end up disappointed. That said, I also feel that its right to let go of people who appear to no longer be a positive influence in our lives. If my parents' death has taught me anything, its that life is WAY too short for crappy friends