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A lot of tears today


ModHerc

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I hope this means you'll have Pokey quite a while yet and she isn't in any distress at this point.

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Pokey is doing well, but today I am not.  Today at 9:00 PM will be three months from the last time I heard her say she loves me.  At 12:53 AM tonight/tomorrow morning it will be three months from the time on the death certificate.  I have a lot of displaced anger today.

I am snapping at coworkers, and being short with customers.  Every instinct in my body is screaming at me to hit something, and keep hitting it until my fists are bloodied and broken.  It's the first time I have really had the illogical rage that I suffered during other losses.

I am intentionally stopping myself when I can.  Slowing down, counting to ten, taking deep breaths.  Working my way through it one minute, one emotion at a time.  Unfortunately with my job I don't always have the time to center myself.

And as bad as this is, I know it will be worse tonight.  When I am alone, and don't have the distractions.  When I can let the feelings truly flow.  No drinking for me tonight.  I don't do angry drunk, it isn't much fun, and the police have had to tell me it is a bad idea in the past.  I hope the anger blends with some other thoughts, depression would be welcome right now.

I've been reading a lot here lately, but not posting nearly as much.  I wonder if that has changed the way the grief is affecting me and which emotions are coming to the surface.  I decided I better get on here and get some of these thoughts out.  I also thought I should write down that I need remember the anger is a result of my grief and to not lash out at those around me.  Writing it down always helps me keep my focus.  Wishing everyone more peace than I am finding today,

Herc

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Herc, By posting, you are using this forum for what it is for. Getting the emotions out in a place that is safe. I know the month markers so well myself, as well as the weekly markers. You are doing the right thing by counting to ten and breathing. Slowly working your way through.   I've been venting with a friend. I've been swearing and crying. This friend understands and is willing to allow me to get it out, all the pain, anger, etc .I'm thankful to get it all out and that someone is listening. I've done a lot of venting on this forum also.  Most of the time we are alone in our pain. So lonely. So we use this forum and hopefully an actual person who cares and sticks with us.

It is Ok, Herc. We understand. HUGE HUGS

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Herc I'm sorry you're feeling angry. I was frustrated last night and today but I think I am doing better.. using some distractions too. will be busy for 2 weeks, not sure if that'll make things worse or not.  I actually want a punching bag, it would probably help. long walks are fine too I guess.
 

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Herc, I agree with KMB, this is what the forum is for. We can expect almost any and all emotions to surface on our grief journey, and all of them are valid, even sometimes conflicting at the same time!  It is good to vent, let out how you're feeling, and what better place than with those who understand and get it?!

new133, a punching bag sounds like a great idea!  And so are long walks.  I used to drive out into the forest and scream at the top of my lungs!  Probably scared some wildlife.  Exercise is a great stress reliever.  I live in the country (no gyms) so I take long walks regularly.

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I'm at the gravesite now.  I cleaned up around it some.  There was an entire flock of geese here when I arrived.  I moved a few rocks that rain must have exposed and fixed a little battery powered charm that I think one of her sisters must have left.  Digging in the red clay stained my fingers an orangish color and looking at them the thought that I could dig her up to hug her one more time flashed through my head.

The tears are slowly washing the orange from my fingers.  My daughter screamed at me on the phone this morning.  She had lost her wallet and I was trying to be supportive.  She told me she hated the way that I talked to her, that I was condescending and treated her like a child.  The anger is still at the forefront for me today, so I had a momentary flash of wanting to scream back, but reigned it in.  I don't know how I finished the conversation, probably not well, I think I forgot to tell her I love her.  Anyway, so I wouldn't take the anger out on her I came here to sit and let the anger take me for a while where I can't push it onto something else.

Another rough day, but it will pass.  Thanks for being there to vent to and for the support.  I hope we all get what we deserve in this life or the next although right now I don't see how.  Peace and comfort to us all,

Herc

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Oh Herc, I am so sorry you're having such a rough day.   :(  I hope it gets better.

I'm having my graduation from Restoration Class today, not really looking forward to it, not much into pomp and ceremony, just wanted the information.  Then I have to wait in town for an hour to attend a funeral of someone I barely knew years ago.  I would probably skip it except not many knew her and I want to be there for her family.  Ugh, I hate funerals.

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I'm sorry Herc.. that thought has crossed my mind was well. it's disturbing. mostly just sad.
I'm sorry your daughter is feeling upset too.
 

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Herc, My heart is with you and your daughter. I guess we have to expect these kind of days. We get through them, that is the main thing.

KayC---Sorry you attended another funeral. It does count to the family, that is the blessing in it.

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