A lot of tears today

[ModHerc]

Today I took a day for myself.  It had been a long time since that had happened.  Since my wife's passing, it has been a whirlwind of dealing with the arrangements, caring for my daughter, dealing with lawyers, writing thank you cards, trying to be effective at work, checking on her mother, my mother, searching her phone for friends that had been forgotten, and on, and on, and on.

Today I took a day for myself.  It had been a long time since that had happened.  Before my wife's passing it was a whirlwind of obligations with chores, doctors appointments, family gatherings, preparations for holidays, getting prescriptions, paying bills, grinding through daily life, and on, and on, and on.

Today I took a day for myself.  It had been a long time since that had happened.  And while I wish I had any of the days before back, to live over and over again without this continual pain, today felt good.  After my wife's passing I was able to enjoy sitting on the porch drinking coffee, petting our cats and giving them attention, telling her spirit I loved her, accepting that she always loved me, doing a crossword puzzle, connecting with other people, and on, and on, and on.

Today I took a day for myself.  Tomorrow I don't know if I will be strong enough to do the same.  But I will try, knowing she is still with me, even if only in my heart.  Taking a day for myself isn't selfish, it helps those who love me to see me improve, lets me help my daughter in new ways, lets me grow and evolve, lets me honor my wife's memory, lets me establish new connections, lets me take one small step toward being the man she loved again, and on, and on, and on.

Tomorrow I will take a day for myself.  It will be the next day in the cycle.  The days before were also days for myself, just as much as they were days for her.  And the days after are for her as much as they are for me.  We were soulmates, and half of us is now missing, but that is what we did for one another.  When one couldn't manage, the other would handle it.

Tomorrow I will take a day for both of us by taking a day for myself, and when I hit that day I can't manage, she will be there in my heart to help me through it.  Today was a good day, and I will go on.

[Andy]

I think this is a wonderful thing. Nothing selfish at all, this is you discovering what it is you need to "heal", to find your way. I drive. That's my "time and space". I hit a back road and talk to my wife, cry, whatever, but it does help. Taking a day for the both of you, that's such a insightful thing, very nice. 

Take care Herc, peace and comfort to you,

Andy

[KMB]

Herc, Positive words for all of us. You are working through your loss. Be proud of yourself! We are proud of you! Your loving wife is proud of you!

 

[KayC]

Herc,

That is wonderful and wise too.  Our self care is all the more important after loss, and part of that is attending to ourselves.

[Francine]

Herc,

I'm glad for you and something we all need to do.  That is a form of healing and we all are worth it..  I think it comes when we choose to walk away from the darkness and move towards a bright light.  So take that day for both of you and yes, she will be with you.  God Bless and keep you safe.

   

[ModHerc]

I had another good day today.  I took the day off work to go to a meeting with a lawyer about the estate with my step daughter.  The meeting went well, and my step daughter got a lot out of it.  We had a good talk after, and bonded some more, which has been a real concern for me.  We have always been close, she shares my views of politics, got a love of sports from me, and I was the one she came to for advice on many subjects.  I felt her drifting away some, because we never really talked about serious emotional issues, so in addition to our grief, we are on new ground about how to relate and communicate with one another about our feelings.  We didn't really address that side of things today, but it was nice connecting again in ways that we always have, and knowing she still trusts me enough to come to me when she has problems.

We were supposed to go to a financial planner this afternoon, but she picked up a shift at work, so we skipped it for now.  When I got home, I decided to sit down and think about the future and Christine a little bit.  I know that thinking about the future can be a problem some times, but I was in a good place, and figured if I need to think about it, what better time.  I am still thinking and feeling positive so I am glad I chose this moment to do it.  I decided to come up with a list of my options, and wrote them down.  I was at times writing them to other people, at times to Christine, and at times to myself, so it may be a bit of a mess, but here is what I came up with.

 

Option 1 - Suicide

This is always an option.  It is not a good option though.  The only thing I can see positive about this is that at least I would no longer be in the place I am.  But it would only bring about more hurt and pain.  It would deeply hurt the others who are grieving the loss of the amazing woman I married.  It would bring this pain to other people who don't deserve this anymore than we do who were not directly affected by Christine's passing.  It would damage the legacy of love that Christine left by creating more pain from her passing.  it is beyond selfish.

 According to almost all belief structures it would damage my personal energy, spirit, or soul depending on how each individual views it.  And if there is one thing that I think could damage your soul, this would be it.  Intentionally ending your own existence in my mind is about the only thing you can do that would irreparably alter that which makes you unique.

I have seen first hand the damage it does to those left behind, and I cannot make this a part of myself, it isn't who I am.  I have seen the faces of grieving parents, family, friends after a suicide.  I most definitely won't make it a part of Christine's passing, the woman who was brave enough to fight against anything life threw at her would be appalled that I even list it in my options.  So there it is, the option that isn't an option at all.

 

Option 2 - Stay in this hurt, lost place I am in
 

I can simply let life pass me by.  Stay mired in this torturous place surrendering to my grief.  Eventually I could find comfort in at least the conformity of it.  I could be the lonely old man with nothing left to live for, eking out his days and waiting to go to his lost love.  There is a sort of poetry there.  The sad kind of story that many people don't truly think about before they say "Isn't that romantic" and then move on with their lives not realizing the full extent of the circumstances.

It doesn't help others though.  Even if it sounds romantic, romance is caring for another, feeling a passion for their desires that intertwines with your own.  And in some cases letting those desires surpass your own, or marveling when your partner allows yours to surpass theirs.  I know, because I had romance.  I had what the songs, and movies, and books are all about.  Ours wasn't the flashy sort, it wouldn't make a good book, or movie,or song,  but it made for a very good life.

Losing that passion means truly losing her.  It would be dull, and painful, and boring for me.  It would be letting go of the man that I was, the one that she loved.  And I am sure to my core that she still wants that man here.  The one she loved, caring for her daughter, caring for others, and caring for himself.

That was one of her passions, that we should always be who we were with one another, and with ourselves.  That passion intertwined with my own, and I will honor it.  So while this is an option that I am sure I will be forced to deal with, it is not one that I choose.  Many days will drive me back into this pain filled, oppressive place of despair.  When they do, I will accept it, understand it, stay in it for as long as I need to, and then go forward to be the man I am and the one she loved.

 

Option 3 - Try to move on and forget by living in the robotic, soulless, emotionless state I can sometimes push myself into

This option is one that most people don't talk about.  It is almost impossible to accomplish.  I have done it for short periods of time.  I have to get my job done, so I will focus on my work.  On shuffling the papers, driving my fingers into the key board, answering the phone in a polite and seemingly happy way, even though that isn't what I feel.  In those moments I actually feel nothing.  No pain, no love, no joy, no loss, nothing.

I have done it for a long period of time.  My first loss, my grandmother, I evaded and avoided, and went about my daily life.  I didn't know what grieving was, I didn't know how to grieve.  So I focused on the little things, walking to school, playing games, baseball.  Anything that didn't make me think about or feel the loss.  Eventually I did it for years, and it became a part of me.  In some ways I am doing it to this day when I think about her.

I don't think it was healthy.  It made for a really weird child.  I didn't have a lot of friends, the ones I did have always thought there was something a little off about me, or at least that was my perception at the time.  It was a roadblock to developing both as a member of society, and as a whole and functional person.

I can't imagine doing this with Christine.  Even if I could find a way, I wouldn't want to.  To steal a corny, yet oh so true line, she was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Losing that part of myself would be horrible for me, for her, for us.  It would be another kind of death, another option that isn't really an option.  I've already done it once, I won't do it again.

 

Option 4 - Live a full life, and remember her

This is the hardest option.  It is also the best one.  It will take an incredible amount of work, day by day, through an entire life.  I don't want to go on without her.  I want everything to return to the way it was.  But that can never happen.  So the next best thing is to live, carrying her memory with me, and at times, letting the memories of her carry me.

Some days will be beautiful.  Celebrations of incredible things.  Our daughters getting married, having children, becoming beautiful independent women.  Some days will be simple, but fantastic in their own rights, like a walk by a stream that we walked by before, with the memories wrapping my heart in warmth and love.  And there will be new days, good in ways I can't always see or imagine, but those will come too.

Some days I won't be able to put in the work.  Some days the loss, the depression, the pain of it all will overwhelm me.  I am a strong man, but there is no human strength that can overcome what I am going through.  Even her spirit, or the memory of her, may not be able to comfort me on some of those days.  When those days happen, I will accept.  I will deal with the minutes, one by one, for as long as I need to.  Then when I am through the storm, I will continue on the path I have chosen.

It is what she would want.  It is what I want.  It is what we as a couple created.  It is love, beyond life.  It is what I will work for, one day at a time.  This is my second good day, without her at my side.  It is also my second good day with her in my heart.  That is where she belongs now, and it is hers for as long as I live.  This is the option I will choose.

[Guest]

Wow Herc, thank you for writing in such great detail. I also agree that option 1 doesn't really seem like an option at least for me.
I feel like I can identify with option 3 somewhat. I cried a lot for my grandmother and worried about her for months if not a year, prior to her death. But I also feel like I somewhat accept it despite having a hole in my heart. I've been okay for two days and I'm hoping it's a normal response but I can't be sure. I am trying to focus on what needs to be accomplished, how I can help my mom and not fall apart. It's not too bad right now.
I think it's easier to be in state 3 than state 4. I don't know how it's possible to enjoy life (for the most part) knowing that suffering exists. So I don't know if I will ever reach that last option. I am trying to just feel normal though. I already feel like a different person (I find this surprising so I'm wondering if it's temporary or illusory). Like my negativity is sort of gone. Like I have to be better for my sake and for the sake of anyone else. I almost have to forget that I exist. I just have to get things done in order to try to be a better person. When that will happen who knows, but I wish the best for everyone.

[KMB]

Herc, Your insights and clarity prove how much of a deep thinker you are and that you are putting forth a ton of effort into your grief journey. The depth of your love and commitment to Christine and your stepdaughter shines bright.

For me, option 1, is part of the grieving. It still flits around in the back of my mind during the darkest times. But, it is not a viable option. I feel, as you do, it would irreparably impair my soul and its evolution. My husband would be disappointed in me. If, indeed, there is an afterlife, would I be allowed to be reunited with my husband? I can't take that chance that I won't be. Personally, I can practically count on one hand the people that might be affected, but, I don't see or talk to them on a daily basis.

For now, I am in the grey area between your option of 2 and 3. Option 4 is one to strive for, the hardest one as you said. I just received today a book someone on here mentioned. When your soulmate dies. Healing through heroic mourning.

We are all heroes. We can do this.

[ModHerc]

KMB,

We can and we will.  One day at a time, with support from others, through our own incredible effort, and with the comfort of the love of those we lost.  Any thing worth anything is worth working for.  You affect more people than you know.  I hope you are doing well.  Let me know how the book is, I could uses a good read.

[ModHerc]

New133,

I know the words get old, but I am truly sorry for your loss.  Your Grandmother was a wonderful, generous person, and it is obvious you got that from her.  Acceptance is a huge part of grief, and one I have found difficult to achieve more than once.  I sometimes wish I could just go through life without remembering the pain of the past, or worrying about the pitfalls of the future.  And on occasion, out of necessity, I do just that.

I have to pay bills, so I go to work.  I have to give my cat medicine, so I get out of bed.  I have to help my daughter, so I fix the closet door.  The problem with that is that I am just reacting to things, not interacting with them.  My cat requires medicine, but she needs attention.  My work requires my effort, but they need my insight.  My daughter requires the door be fixed, but much more she needs my love.

When I can't find the strength to interact, I will just react.  It is better than nothing.  But for them, for my wife, and for myself, it has to go a step further in my mind.  I will give not what is required, not what is expected, but what is needed.  I won't be able to do that every time.  That is being human, failing on occasion.  I will however do it every time I can, and continue to push for more.  That is being the man my wife and I both wanted, and that makes me smile.

You are an incredible person.  Your grandmother saw that, and it made her smile I am sure.

[ModHerc]

I had a second good day in a row today, although I almost had a breakdown this morning.  The cat I need to medicate got left outside all night, and it almost turned into a panic attack.  I was worried about the health of the cat, of losing another part of Christine, blaming myself for not checking that she was inside before I went to sleep, all the familiar thought patterns that can push me down a negative road.  The spiral started me on thinking of things Christine had asked me to do that I failed at, turning toward the guilt and negativity.  I recognized the train of thought, and was able to sit down and consciously focus on some beautiful moments in our relationship to reroute myself.  It made me a few minutes late for work, but worked for the most part.

Once I got to work, I was very productive.  I got through a mountain of backed up paperwork that has been building faster than I seem to be able to get through it since Christmas.  I'm all caught up, with a clear desk, which reduces my stress a bit.  I also had a meeting with a new boss that I was a bit anxious about.  It came and went, and turned out to be very positive.  Ironically my direct boss, his boss, and a boss that had a dotted line to him, quit shortly before Christmas.  In moments of dark humor I've joked with friends that all my bosses left me, even her.  The stress of uncertainty at work has been an additional challenge for me, and some of that got resolved today.  We also worked out a temporary solution for scheduling that will allow me to spend a bit more time with my daughter and free up some daylight working hours so I have an easier time getting to banks, lawyers, etc. which will make dealing with the estate and upcoming taxes a bit easier.

I've been trying to work on not letting outside forces influence my grief.  My grief is my own, and I will get through it.  My situation at work, the cat, the estate, and even my daughter are not the source of my grief.  The are outside factors that can create challenges, and some of them generate emotions on their own, but when I let them tie into the well of emotions I am feeling over Christine, I give them way too much power over me.  When I start feeling that stress boiling over and triggering the grief, I've been trying to think of the most positive or funny moments with Christine I can remember.  As with everything, sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.

The physical strain of the whole thing is really starting to get to me though.  My back is knotted and tense to the point I can't turn my head freely.  I have been having intense, sharp pains shooting up the side of my neck from my shoulder blades.  After a quick web search, and a reckless self diagnosis, I think it is my occipital nerve.  I think I'll get a massage over the weekend and see if it helps.  There's a little local spa Christine found and wanted to try, I think I'll go there.  If it's nice, I'll be sad she didn't get a chance to try it, but maybe I'll book one for our daughter, she has been stressed too.

[Francine]

Herc,

On 2/21/2017 at 0:59 PM, Herc said:

Some days the loss, the depression, the pain of it all will overwhelm me.  I am a strong man, but there is no human strength that can overcome what I am going through.  Even her spirit, or the memory of her, may not be able to comfort me on some of those days.  When those days happen, I will accept.  I will deal with the minutes, one by one, for as long as I need to.  Then when I am through the storm, I will continue on the path I have chosen.

It is what she would want.  It is what I want.  It is what we as a couple created.  It is love, beyond life.  It is what I will work for, one day at a time.  This is my second good day, without her at my side.  It is also my second good day with her in my heart.  That is where she belongs now, and it is hers for as long as I live.  This is the option I will choose.

Your thread was so heart filled, strong and loving.  I too would choose and I'm glad you chose option #4 - I think it is the best one and one I think your Christine would approve as well. It is so apparent  know how much you loved her, and she, you.  Those we love remain with us, for love itself lives on. She must have been an extraordinary women - no less than an angel on earth. 

I know that God makes no mistakes, there are no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.   When you are hurting, look in your heart, and you will realize that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  Even death cannot part away the two of you.  What hurts you today will make you stronger tomorrow. I've come to learn that death is a bridge that takes us towards eternal life - a life of happiness and peace.  It is merely a temporary parting of two loved ones; until you are reunited forever in heaven.  Believe me, the heavens are rejoicing that an angel, your Christine, has returned home.  Nothing will ever take away the love your heart holds for her, dear fond memories linger every day, remembrance keep them near.  Heartbreak is real and hurtful especially after a loss of someone so dear.   I believe having a broken heart gives us strength, empathy, understanding, and compassion into our lives and ourselves.  As the saying goes, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".  To love and be loved is the greatest gift of all; after all, Jesus did it for us all.   

My prayer for you is that each day you always have Sunshine to keep you warm, Moonlight to guide your night; An angel (your Christine)  to watch over you; Laughter to make you happy; Good friends to support you and  Faith your prayers will be heard.  

God Bless and keep you, all of us, safe.

     

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Herc said:

I've been trying to work on not letting outside forces influence my grief.  My grief is my own, and I will get through it.  My situation at work, the cat, the estate, and even my daughter are not the source of my grief.  The are outside factors that can create challenges, and some of them generate emotions on their own, but when I let them tie into the well of emotions I am feeling over Christine, I give them way too much power over me.

Very wise!

[ModHerc]

It will be two months tonight.  My heart is heavy and my eyes are brimming.  I am at work, and there are significant issues, a very busy day topped off with serious mechanical problems.  I went about the morning routine, and found some peace in it.  In the same log book that we are keeping for the cats medication, I have been writing down some thoughts about Christine, and I read one that gave me some comfort.  I wish I had brought it with me.

Today the positivity I have been cultivating is and will be pushed to its boundaries.  I feel lost, alone, my mind can see nothing in the future but more loneliness and pain.  She will be in my heart helping me through tonight and tomorrow, but right now I need her in my arms where she ways always safe and happy, where we fit so perfectly together.  Today will be a day with a lot of accepting.  A lot of minutes to be dealt with, one by one.  I don't want to think about continuing, and that is not my job right now.  Now it is time to weather the storm.

[KayC]

Herc, I pray you find some comfort and encouragement to give you even a glimmer of hope in your life, even in the midst of the storm.

[Francine]

7 hours ago, Herc said:

Now it is time to weather the storm.

Herc,

Sometimes storms are sent by God to remind us that we are not in total control of our lives.  We need Him to be the Captain on our life's stormy sea.   In order to see the sunshine again, we must sometimes bow our head, say a prayer and weather the storm.

When the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over.  One thing for certain, when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person you where when you walked in it; and that's what the storm is all about - getting through it in one piece. Every storm runs out of rain, just like every dark night turns into day and every heartache will fade.  It is in these storms God does his finest work, for it is in the storms, that God has our keenest attention.  He is healing, He is cleansing.  He is protecting. He is Loving, He is delivering. 

1 Peter 5:10 states, "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast."  

My prayer is that you don't allow the shadows of yesterday spoil your sunshine of tomorrow.  God Bless and keep you, keep all of us, safe.

[ModHerc]

KayC and Francine,

Thank you both for your prayers.  I made it through today intact and surprisingly well.  I have typed several responses to this now, but didn't post them because they didn't really express what I wanted to say.  I spent most of today reflecting on the last day Christine and I were together, and I know tomorrow I will think mostly about the first day we were apart.

I made it through today by realizing how special the love Christine and I shared was and indeed still is.  A glimmer of hope has illuminated the shadows of yesterday.  I am as well as I can be, better days lie ahead, and the sunshine of tomorrow grows brighter by the minute.  Once again, thank you for your prayers, but even more for being the wonderful and caring people that you are.

[KMB]

Herc,  I wish that none of us had to be on this forum. I wish that we could all just simply tap our shoes together like Dorothy and go back to our *homes*---our soulmates.

All I can do is send prayers of eventual peace and virtual hugs to everyone.

[ModHerc]

KMB,

Thanks for the hugs and prayers.  I am sending you the same.  I have the same wishes that everything could go back to the way it is supposed to be.  I am beginning to realize though that my soulmate will always be with me.  A part of me passed with her, but a part of her remains with me to help see me through the storms.  My "home" may be gone, but at times, feeling her strength, it feels like anywhere can be my home, because she is always there.  I'm off to take flowers to her grave and thank her.  I hope you have a day filled with the love and comfort we all deserve.

[KayC]

Herc,

I consider you one of the blessings on this site, someone we can learn from, very thoughtful and insightful.  Your responses remind me of my son, a HUGE compliment!  He is one of the wisest people I have ever met, I was just lucky enough to be his mom.

[fzald]

Herc,

I so much admire your way of thinking. You are not much further into your loss than I am, but your insight and your way of thinking are so insightful, I envy your strength. I too would like to feel like she is still with me, that our connection means that for what she took from me when she died she also left behind part of her in me. I haven't been able to reach that kind of enlightenment yet, I still am at the point of missing her physical presence so much that it hurts. Missing the ability to talk to her, share experiences with her, ask her advice when I needed it, hold her and cuddle her, and yes even be there for her in her times of need. 

Maybe someday I will be able to see it your way. I really do hope so. I think of her constantly, I yearn for her, I miss her every second of every day and night. I try to think of her the way you describe and for now all it seems to do is make me miss her all the more. 

I am glad you have made progress in your grief. 

[ModHerc]

KayC,

Thank you so much for the compliment and comparison.  I am honored, truly.  I am lucky to have a wonderful mother who helped me become the man I am, and I am sure that without your wisdom, your son wouldn't be the incredible person he is.

I stopped for a cup of coffee on the way home and read this, and it really brightened my day.  While I was talking with Christine today I mentioned this place, and read her a few of the posts from the wonderful people here, you among them.  It occurred to me that you, within the past year or two, have been without your husband for longer than you were with him.  That is a beautiful tribute to the depth and permanency of the love you shared.

I don't know what happens on the other side, but I do think there is much more than we currently can explain or even comprehend.  So if anyone out there sees something special, it might be Christine coming to thank you all for helping me so much through this process.  Knowing her, whatever that thanks might be, it will probably include the color pink.  Comfort and peace to all of you,

Herc

[ModHerc]

1 hour ago, fzald said:

Herc,

I so much admire your way of thinking. You are not much further into your loss than I am, but your insight and your way of thinking are so insightful, I envy your strength. I too would like to feel like she is still with me, that our connection means that for what she took from me when she died she also left behind part of her in me. I haven't been able to reach that kind of enlightenment yet, I still am at the point of missing her physical presence so much that it hurts. Missing the ability to talk to her, share experiences with her, ask her advice when I needed it, hold her and cuddle her, and yes even be there for her in her times of need. 

Maybe someday I will be able to see it your way. I really do hope so. I think of her constantly, I yearn for her, I miss her every second of every day and night. I try to think of her the way you describe and for now all it seems to do is make me miss her all the more. 

I am glad you have made progress in your grief. 

Fzald,

Each of us has our own path in and through this grief.  Please believe I miss her physical presence much more than I have said here.  I have a voice message from her that I have played so many times that the speaker on my phone must be wearing out.  "Eric, it's Christine.  I'm leaving for work now.  I made coffee if you want some.  I love you".

11 seconds from a life that is so close I feel I can touch it, yet so far away I have seared the words, the inflections in her voice into my brain for fear of losing that past reality that I so want to cling to.  I imagine how her face looked when she said it.  I imagine her hands, one on the phone, the other on the steering wheel of her CRV.  I have sat in the car while playing it, trying to fool myself into being closer to that moment, put my hand where I hope hers was.

This pain is ours to bear, and how we bear it is not always our choice.  It engulfs us, overwhelms us, brings us to our knees in tortured anguish that many cannot comprehend.  Thinking of her being with me, in my heart, helps. But it does make me miss her all the more at the same time.

Don't try to rush your grief.  You are experiencing all you can handle without putting that added pressure on yourself.  In time you will find the path that is right for you.  I wish you nothing but the most comforting and peaceful transition onto that path, and in the meantime stand in awe of the depth of your love that shows itself so clearly.

I am glad you have made progress in your grief as well, and trust that in time you will see it.  It is so much easier for guys to give hugs virtually than in person, but if you were here, I'd give you one now and tell you I understand.

[fzald]

Here,

thanks for your words. Like you I have a final message from my girlfriend. We had talked the morning she passed out. After we were done she sent me a voicemail saying "Hey, don't forget to ask at the meeting today about our project. Talk to you later! Love you."

I listened to that message over and over for a while. Now, I just find it painful so for now I have stopped listening but I will never delete it, or any of the other messages I have from her. I did record them off the voicemail system so if they get auto deleted I still have them. 

I know the feeling you describe so well. That message, the last one she would ever leave me, is a sign of the life I lived, when I was happy. I can effortlessly close my eyes and imagine that life as if it's still reality. I can remember the emotions I had, my feelings, my ambitions. I can remember her smile, her happiness, her smell, her touch. So agonizingly close but also so far. Only a month ago, she left me that message. I was supposed to talk to her that night about that meeting, instead she would pass out and never wake up again. A life so lived, everything I was, ceased to be in the space of a few days. 

I have started to "pretend" that I am still able to talk to her, and imagine her responses. Not even about these deep conversations but just our everyday talks. I imagine she's still here with me and that I am sharing something with her, and imagine what her responses would be. It doesn't help much, but it does make me feel the tiniest bit still connected to her. 

Nothing will ever take the place of her presence in my life. People talk of transitioning your relationship from physical to spiritual. I will always see her as a girlfriend, a soulmate. Even if I ever do meet someone else, that person will end up having to share me with my beloved girl. She can't be here with me anymore. But she wanted to, She would definitely have chosen to live, to survive, to be with me and with everyone else she loved in this world. There is no way she wanted or was even ready to die. 

I still hold on to my hope that the afterlife will be ours, that someday we will again be together forever. This world feels meaningless to me now, maybe someday it will make sense why. Maybe someday I will be back with her, and nothing here will truly matter anyway.

 

[ModHerc]

That's just it though, I'm not pretending to talk to her.  I am talking to her.  It might be talking to her spirit, soul, life force, whatever your viewpoint allows you to call it, it might be simply talking to her memory, or it might just be talking to thin air.  Any of those is fine.  I don't need her to hear what I am saying, although that would be nice, I just need to say it to organize my thoughts on things.

I do have to imagine her responses, if I start actually physically hearing them I need to seek out either a specialized group of theologians or psychiatrists, probably the latter.  But that is a good part of it, I knew her so well, I often know exactly what she would say, and when I don't, I can take a well educated guess.  I long to hear her voice again, but her wisdom, compassion, and experience are what I have.  I would much rather have her wholly , but I can't let that longing drown out the parts I do still have.

To add to that, my spiritual beliefs help.  I believe there is something in our multiverse that is infinite.  It could be space, or time, another dimension that our scientist haven't found yet, or just the number of dimensions themselves.  And if any one of these things is actually infinite, it means that all beliefs are true.  It means there is a Christian God, it means reincarnation is true, it even means there is an actual Flying Spaghetti Monster, which is going to come as quite a shock to some militant atheists who only created it to poke fun at something they can currently neither prove nor disprove.  That is what infinity means, it is so big that not only are these things probable, they are a mathematical certainty.  There is a strong argument to be made that nothing is truly infinite, at the same time we have have mathematical proof that the concept is real, just divide two by three and you are there on the conceptual level.  That is why I describe myself as Agnostic, although spiritual independant might be more accurate.  It is because nothing can be proven, either way.  But if I had to give odds on which is more likely, I think "she can hear" me gets a pretty big lead.

Sorry for the tangent, my spiritual beliefs have nothing to do with this really.  I just wanted to point out that when I am talking to her, it is not for her, it is for me.  But that doesn't change the fact that what I say to her will always be honest, reasoned, and heartfelt.  Often more so than I can be even with myself.

[ModHerc]

So I woke up early this morning, on a weekend no less.  Even before Christine passed that was highly unusual.  Anyway, I wanted to share a few things.  I also woke up in the middle of the night last night.  I was coughing pretty rough, guess I have been laying in on the cigarettes a little too much lately, I can't imagine why.

The coughing fit was bad enough that I got wide awake, the kind you know you are going to have trouble getting back to sleep from.  So I popped on the boards here and read a few posts, and responded to a couple.  I specifically reread some posts on dreams.  After a little while, and a bottle of water, I was able to settle back down and drift off again.  I probably only got two more hours rest, but it was the best two hours I have had to date.  I had a dream of Christine during that second sleep.

I'm not going into specifics on the dream, there are some parts I would just prefer not to share, nothing risque, just private.  It was a very positive dream, and was bordering on being lucid.  I knew something was strange, and I knew Christine had passed, but didn't say anything about it in the dream, and wasn't distressed by it.  She was younger than I had ever seen her except in photos.  We talked for a while, and said and did somethings that we had done together in our lives.  She needed help with something and I was able to provide it for her.

I don't think it was a visitation dream, it didn't have any new input feeling, and Christine didn't act as though she were aware of her passing, or anything with my current situation.  Every dream I have had of her to this point has been nightmarish though.  Her as a corpse screaming about how I am not taking care of her daughter, me trying to fight off invaders in her condo and losing the fight, then having to watch them as I lay on the floor bloodied and broken ransack the house.  There have been a couple of really awful nights, so it felt amazing to final have my subconscious mind not attacking me in my sleep.  I wrote down the specifics of the dream for myself, in case I don't have any more.

I also wanted to share what I wrote in the log book to Christine, that I wished I had taken in with me on Friday.  This way, if I do need to see it again in the future, I can just pull it up on line.  I could do the same by putting it on a google doc, or e-mailing it to myself, but think it will be better here.

"My heart aches in a place that was torn out of me suddenly.  But I know that one day that place will be filled with fond memories and eternal love.  I sometimes can't think or see through the pain and loss.  I am blinded and stupid with grief.  But I am glad that you aren't in my place, I couldn't bear to hurt you that way.  And I know you wouldn't want me to hurt.  I wish I could stop it for you.  But my pain is only a moment, my love is what will shine through.  One day we will be reunited, until then I'll be thinking of you."

[ModHerc]

One more thing I want to share that is a bit amazing.  This fall Christine had the porch redone, before it was half boarded over, and half covered with white stone, with a couple of flower beds running along the edges.  She didn't like the white stone, because you couldn't walk on it barefoot, and it was eating up half the usable space.  She missed the flower beds though, so she had been talking about getting some potted plants to place in large tubs around the borders of the porch to bring in some color.  She decided to do plastic or silk flowers in the pots instead so there wouldn't be much upkeep needed though, and we filled up two of the planters with the some plastic flowers.

Just after she passed, we found a pot, filled with dirt on top of the shed out there.  No one had the first clue where it had come from, so Christine must have bought it, but there were a few green sprouts pushing through the dirt at the end of December, which we all thought was odd.  We figured with it budding that early, whatever was in there was surely going to die in the frigid temperatures that were coming, and no one had the motivation to bring it inside in the midst of our shock and grief.  It didn't die though, it has thrived.  We had some warmer temperatures, which I am sure helped, but we also had at least a week long period of sub freezing temperatures.

I have a black thumb.  Seriously, I can not grow plants.  I have killed cactus, jade plants, all the things that are supposed to be the hardiest plants in the world.  Christine used to joke that when I walked by flowers, she could see the petals beginning to droop and fall off.  But I am going to give this one a shot.  I'll probably end up killing it, so I am not going to get invested in keeping it alive, but if it is from Christine, it sure has her hardy spirit, so I'll see what I can do with it.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Herc said:

It occurred to me that you, within the past year or two, have been without your husband for longer than you were with him.

It's been nearly twice as long without him as with him.  It doesn't seem possible to me that it was so long ago we met...I still remember every aspect of it, our courtship, our life together.  It was an amazing connection and even though EVERY relationship takes effort, it never FELT like it, it was always a "want to"!

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Herc said:

Don't try to rush your grief.  You are experiencing all you can handle without putting that added pressure on yourself.  In time you will find the path that is right for you.  I wish you nothing but the most comforting and peaceful transition onto that path, and in the meantime stand in awe of the depth of your love that shows itself so clearly.

True, good advice!  There is no rushing through this, it's here to stay, although I do want to caution again, it won't stay in this intensity forever, grief evolves.  Let it flow it's own pace.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Herc said:

I have a black thumb.  Seriously, I can not grow plants.  I have killed cactus, jade plants, all the things that are supposed to be the hardiest plants in the world.  Christine used to joke that when I walked by flowers, she could see the petals beginning to droop and fall off.  But I am going to give this one a shot.  I'll probably end up killing it, so I am not going to get invested in keeping it alive, but if it is from Christine, it sure has her hardy spirit, so I'll see what I can do with it.

George loved gardening, I always had more than enough to keep me busy in the household so I let him have at it on his own.  Sure enough, when he died, so did his plants.  I watered, I fertilized, but I swear they didn't like me.  However, I have always had hanging flowers lining my 30' patio and this particular year we had the most beautiful flowers.  Pansies were special to us, George always called them the smiling flower.  The following summer, a pansy sprung up in the yard under the hanging pots (our patio is elevated because it's on a hill)...how it made it through the winter snows and freezes (winter here is about seven months long, lots of snow) I'll never know, except I truly believe George had a hand in it.  To me it was a very real sign from him...I've never seen that happen here before or since in the 40 years I've lived here.

[fzald]

9 minutes ago, KayC said:

It's been nearly twice as long without him as with him.  It doesn't seem possible to me that it was so long ago we met...I still remember every aspect of it, our courtship, our life together.  It was an amazing connection and even though EVERY relationship takes effort, it never FELT like it, it was always a "want to"!

That is so beautiful, KayC. My girl and I were like that too. It never felt like we had to make all this effort to be together. In the beginning, we just CLICKED. There was no awkwardness. No fear. I asked her out and joked that it was the easiest time I'd ever had asking a girl out. She kissed me first and said it just felt right, no fear. You hear about guys or girls feeling nervous around someone they like, spending lots of time deciding what to say and how. We never had that. It flowed so naturally. I truly do believe she was my soulmate, we were already in love even before we met.

it sounds like you had a similar connection with your husband.

Those kinds of relationships are rare. We should feel lucky we got to experience that kind of love. I only wish for both of us and everyone else that it could have been for longer. For the full lifetimes we all deserved.

[ModHerc]

52 minutes ago, KayC said:

George loved gardening, I always had more than enough to keep me busy in the household so I let him have at it on his own.  Sure enough, when he died, so did his plants.  I watered, I fertilized, but I swear they didn't like me.  However, I have always had hanging flowers lining my 30' patio and this particular year we had the most beautiful flowers.  Pansies were special to us, George always called them the smiling flower.  The following summer, a pansy sprung up in the yard under the hanging pots (our patio is elevated because it's on a hill)...how it made it through the winter snows and freezes (winter here is about seven months long, lots of snow) I'll never know, except I truly believe George had a hand in it.  To me it was a very real sign from him...I've never seen that happen here before or since in the 40 years I've lived here.

KayC,

I'm close to thinking this is a sign. The dream I had last night, the positive energy I've been able to muster at some of my darkest moments, my daughter and I connecting at exactly the moment we needed to, even the green shirt I wore on Valentine's Day, all of those can be explained by subconscious thought processes, the power of positive thinking, or just random coincidence.  But unless my mind figured out how to channel heat to the roots of that plant, this one borders on the unexplainable.

I am optimistic, yet skeptical by nature.  It's an odd combination that tends to generate hopes that I then try to disprove, so I'm always a bit leary of letting my thoughts run in that direction.  At some point though trying to poke holes in theories becomes not allowing yourself the pleasure of unknown hope.  I think I have seen enough potential now that I will stop trying to shoot these down and just enjoy the moments for what they are.

I'm similarly close to thinking your pansy was a sign from your wonderful husband, perhaps even more clearly than mine.  Christine loved gardening as well, and pansies were right up there among her favorite flowers.  Even if they didn't have a direct hand in it, the positive effect it has on us and our outlook is a type of sign that does come directly from them.  Wishing you further delight in the joy of the unexplainable,

Eric

P.S.  Sorry for getting your time line off.  From the first post you ever sent to me, I added together the 6 1/2 years you knew him and the 3 years 8 months you were married.  Usually reading comprehension is a strong suit for me.  I am rapidly learning how little time has to do with what our hearts feel though.  It really breaks down to none of us had enough time together, and we now have far to much time apart.

[KayC]

On 2/26/2017 at 8:19 AM, Herc said:

I'm close to thinking this is a sign.

It's so easy to disregard something we can't explain or understand, yet in reality, there's much we don't understand and certainly can't understand.  I tend to be cautious but have learned to have faith and hope in even things I can't see or explain.  To do any less would be to deny myself much!

[KayC]

On 2/26/2017 at 7:36 AM, fzald said:

That is so beautiful, KayC. My girl and I were like that too. It never felt like we had to make all this effort to be together. In the beginning, we just CLICKED. There was no awkwardness. No fear. I asked her out and joked that it was the easiest time I'd ever had asking a girl out. She kissed me first and said it just felt right, no fear. You hear about guys or girls feeling nervous around someone they like, spending lots of time deciding what to say and how. We never had that. It flowed so naturally. I truly do believe she was my soulmate, we were already in love even before we met.

it sounds like you had a similar connection with your husband.

Those kinds of relationships are rare. We should feel lucky we got to experience that kind of love. I only wish for both of us and everyone else that it could have been for longer. For the full lifetimes we all deserved.

Everything you said sounds like our relationship.  We clicked from the very first hello!  The conversation never lulled, we related to each other, understood each other and it's as if it was meant to be.  I'm so glad I met him!

[KayC]

Eric,

No apologies, gosh I don't see how any of us could remember everything written about all of the people on here!  At least my brain doesn't work that way...maybe when I was younger, but now it's enough to know where I put my car keys!

[ModHerc]

I took a picture of the Mormon temple on my way home tonight.  It was lit up and absolutely stunning.  I was hoping the beauty might raise someones spirit, but the picture didn't come out that well unfortunately.  I am going to put it up anyway and hope it helps someone.

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing that.  I live in the country so what I look at is vastly different.  It makes me realize there is beauty everywhere.

[ModHerc]

This is what it is supposed to look like from just about the same angle as my hastily snapped shaky phone cam pic.  Truly spectacular, I'm lucky I get to see it on my nightly drive home.

[KMB]

Herc, Thank you for sharing. Against the darkness of night, the photo does give off the impression of light and hope, rising above the tree line. Eventually, I hope all of us here will see light and hope rising from our *tree line* of grieving.

[KayC]

Very beautiful!

[ModHerc]

I posted this on another forum, but wanted to share it here as well.

So I took the morning off work to take our (Christine's) cat, Pokey, to the vet.  This is the cat I have to medicate twice daily.  We were going for a recheck on some blood work.  She has a thyroid problem, which is what the medication is for, and her values had spiked pretty seriously after Christine's passing.

This cat truly was Christine's.  I love her too of course, but she wouldn't sleep on my side of the bed if I had slept on it until Christine washed the sheets.  It's hard to explain, but this was most definitely Christine's cat and there are no two ways about it.  So I had attributed the spike in thyroid levels to separation anxiety.  But upon visiting, the vet did a check on the thyroid gland and it has swollen noticeably.  From roughly 0.5 cm to 1.5 cm.

The most likely cause of this is that the benign carcinoma that was next to the thyroid and caused the original problems has become malignant.  We still need the blood work to come back, which should be some time in the next few days, but the outlook right now is not good.  The vet is talking about the possibility of chemotherapy, radioactive isotopes, and potential surgery.

Pokey is about 16 years old, and while I would do anything to hold on to her, I am looking at her quality of life.  I am not sure how cats react to chemotherapy, but I have seen it in humans and it isn't nice.  Putting her through that to add a year or two of adequate to poor health is not appealing.  I've spoken to the vet, and she agrees.  We will get the results back and look at potential treatment options of course, and things could change.  But right now I don't see a lot of options.

If things go badly, losing another part of Christine will be devastating.  Right now Pokey is doing well, but I also couldn't bear to see her suffer.  Just hitting a low point today,

Herc

[fzald]

Herc,

I am so sorry to hear about the cat. Animals have a way of connecting us. I am still so saddened that I was unable to get my girlfriends dog, her family already adopted her out. I have felt so bad about this since it happened, because I wanted that part of her to hold on to...

I owned a cat for 20 years, since I was a child. Around 2010, she started having kidney problems. She was already 17 at that time. She held on for over 3 more years, with me giving her medicine and special food. She was clearly slowing down, but I could tell that her quality of life was still good. She still came to me every night, wanting attention and treats. She still was as affectionate as ever, until the very end. The last night she was alive, she wouldn't leave my side. I let her lay on my lap for hours, she purred away and laid her head on me. We fell asleep that way, and in the morning I found her in the basement. I really believe she knew she was dying and was saying goodbye. 

I was dating my girlfriend when my cat died, so as she always was, she was there for me. She went with me to the vet when I brought her in to be cremated. 

Animals are so perceptive, they have a wisdom that is so different from, but also transcends, humans. I hope you will hear some good news for your cat, but I also feel your pain. 

My girl was there for me through many losses, and I found that with her by my side I could handle so much more. Now when I need her most, she's gone. Her loss is the one thing i knew I would not be able to deal with, and yet here I am. 

Feeling miserable today....

[Francine]

 

Herc

I'm so sorry for you but glad Pokey is doing well.  I pray she continues to do so, but if the results indicates otherwise, know how much love she brought to you and especially to your Christine.  I am not a pet owner, had been in the past, but since the passing of our beloved Rusty, couldn't bring another animal into our lives.  

I pray that God strengthen you at this time.

[KayC]

Herc,

I already responded to your other post, but I was wondering, have you thought of taking Pokey to a holistic vet?  I don't know if they'd have an idea for a less invasive treatment or not...

[ModHerc]

KayC,

Yes, George put me onto the idea.  I responded to him on it, and got moving myself on some solutions.  Just a momentary low there yesterday, I'm back in the proactive swing, and the subject is one I have a lot of experience in.  I've researched some alternate treatments, come up with a recipe for a potential tumor reducing diet, and plan to make my first batch of homemade cat food this weekend.  I may check out a holistic vet, because there are some other dietary concerns based off of the first round of blood work I got back.  Fortunately from my time with the humane society, I know just about every vet within 50 miles on a first name basis.

I'm pushing forward and getting right back into the thinking positive saddle.  It will all be as it is meant to.  And Pokey has the right guy looking into it.  I will be fine, and she will have a loving home while she is here.  Thanks for the continued concern, it means a lot,

Herc

[KMB]

Herc, As being an animal lover and having pets myself, I'm sure that Pokey's in good hands with you seeking treatment and dietary plans. I sincerely hope it all works out well. Christine is sending all of you love and healing energy. Losing Christine's buddy would be most devastating and I wish Pokey the best. i couldn't even fathom losing one of my pets at this time. Keep us posted as to Pokey's welfare and health. Hang in there.

[KayC]

My Arlie is on a super low fat diet for his Colitis, but I remember my vet telling me that catfood has 30% fat, which is why dogs can't tolerate it.  I hope you have plenty of fat built into it, so she doesn't lose weight...maybe fish oil?

[ModHerc]

Fish oil, liver, almond butter, avocado, and a fatty meat for filler.  The recipe I found calls for turkey, but Pokey isn't a big fan of turkey.

[KayC]

Turkey is high in fat, that's probably why the recipe calls for it.  God, that diet would kill my Arlie!   I use chicken breast, 8 different vegetables, brown rice, fish oil, probiotics, Metamucil, and washed/baked/ground eggshell powder.  It's a lot of work but so worth it to keep my Arlie alive and healthy!

[ModHerc]

So I haven't made the cat food yet.  We got more results back from the vet, and it was pretty good news.  The thyroid numbers which had been spiraling out of control have stabilized with the increased dosage of medication.  As mentioned before there are concerns on some of the kidney functions.  She is in stage 2 kidney failure, but the timeline for that makes it pretty inconsequential compared to the thyroid and tumor issues, .  We are very close to the maximum dosage for the thyroid medication, 15mg in the morning and 12.5mg at night.  The maximum dosage is 30mg per day, so not a lot of room for fluctuation.  Other than that all the other tests came back well within range of normal.

As a result I am leaving the food alone for now.  I don't know how a change in diet might affect the thyroid levels, and don't want to risk shooting them up higher, thus causing us to have to find another way to address that side of things.  The next step on the thyroid is surgery, to remove one of the lobes and hope that helps, although the surgery then presents its own problems, essentially reversing the medication, and requiring monthly checks on blood work and thyroid levels.  I think the best course of action is to hold that off as long as possible, so status quo is the way to go for now.  Pokey is getting lots of love and attention, and being a cat shows her disdain for all us two legged types throughout it.  Thanks to everyone,

Herc