Solomon'sGirl

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You spoke to my heart, Herc. Thank you for being there. I'm sorry yet grateful you understand. 

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Solomon's Girl,

As you talk about the most ordinary of things, dirty clothes, wrinkled clothes, ironed clothes, a beard hair in the shower, it came to my mind that no one but someone who lost their spouse to death would get this.  The most ordinary of things, like making coffee, hitting you with that stark realization again.  And we all get it.  This is the hardest thing in the world to adjust to.  As herc said, do whatever you need to to hold on to that love.

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Solomon's Girl----We are all with you with the ordinary,what was routine. I keep the last of my husband's dirty laundry in a paper bag in the laundry room. I cannot bear to wash it. i did the same with his work hat and gloves. Sometimes, I open that bag to inhale the familiar smell of diesel fuel, wood smoke. His jacket is still slung over the kitchen chair. His keys and cellphone still lay on the table, along with his packet of cigars. My husband was one of those who chewed off his fingernails and spit them out. Annoying, but endearing. I noticed one of those fingernails on the bathroom rug. I put it up on the windowsill. I was in total brain fog at that time and should have put it in a special place. The cat thought it was something to play with and I couldn't find it. I know that a fingernail sounds off the wall, but, when you are in pain and desperate for anything tangible to hang onto, you do it.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Solomon's Girl,

As you talk about the most ordinary of things, dirty clothes, wrinkled clothes, ironed clothes, a beard hair in the shower, it came to my mind that no one but someone who lost their spouse to death would get this.  The most ordinary of things, like making coffee, hitting you with that stark realization again.  And we all get it.  This is the hardest thing in the world to adjust to.  As herc said, do whatever you need to to hold on to that love.

Sometimes my thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. Knowing that you all get it makes me feel like I can share any and everything. It brings some relief because it really is the everyday ordinary things that remind me of him and of the loss. I still have jalapeños in the fridge that he bought. They're surprisingly still good, so there they stay. His leftover club soda still sitting on the counter. I can't and won't throw them out. Still haven't washed his pillowcase. I'm holding on.

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Solomon's Girl---Hang on to whatever you need to. You need that comfort now and for down the road.

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2 hours ago, KMB said:

Solomon's Girl---Hang on to whatever you need to. You need that comfort now and for down the road.

Thank you. Beard hair, fingernail.. it's all the same. 

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I haven't cleaned our bathroom sink yet - hair here and there because it had just begun falling out from whole brain radiation.  I feel like I just can't yet.  Weird but I do not care.

This stuff all hurts so much every day.  I mostly lurk here anymore because I feel that you all will just think I'm a broken record.  Love to everyone here and thank you all for understanding it on such a personal level.

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It was a full month before I'd wash our sheets.  I remember when his smell disappeared, I cried.  And when his message disappeared from the phone. :(  All of these things are losses.

Stonsie, if you're a broken record, we all are, and we are the people here that understand...the grief has us going in circles.

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2 hours ago, Stonesie said:

I mostly lurk here anymore because I feel that you all will just think I'm a broken record.  Love to everyone here and thank you all for understanding it on such a personal level.

I feel like I'm a broken record, too.

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Solomon's Girl, Stonsie----Neither you or us sound like *broken records*. Our hearts are broken, we lost our soulmates in a tragic manner, a permanent one, in which they cannot return. Our loss, our pain, is a terrible cycle that is all consuming.  I hope, for all of us and our sanity, that it becomes easier to bear. We may have our separate journeys but we have so much in common also.  Our feelings, thoughts, emotions, are the same. We have to hang onto each other here if we are going to survive.

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36 minutes ago, KMB said:

Solomon's Girl, Stonsie----Neither you or us sound like *broken records*. Our hearts are broken, we lost our soulmates in a tragic manner, a permanent one, in which they cannot return. Our loss, our pain, is a terrible cycle that is all consuming.  I hope, for all of us and our sanity, that it becomes easier to bear. We may have our separate journeys but we have so much in common also.  Our feelings, thoughts, emotions, are the same. We have to hang onto each other here if we are going to survive.

I agree, neither of you sound like broken records.  Even if any of us do at times sound like broken records, that is good too.  When we repeat things, we do so to reaffirm them in our minds.  Right now all of our minds are doing some pretty strange things.  If anyone needs to say the same thing over and over to work it out in their heads, please do so.  It helps you, it reaffirms the message of normalcy of the situation to others, and it gives new people more insight into how much they have in common with all of us.  What brought me to this site was seeing something that reminded me of my thoughts on these boards.  Other new people may be the same, please keep putting it out there, it helps you and others.

Also, if we worry to much about what we are posting, we might not post something that would really help someone else already here.  More specifically to both Solomon's Girl and Stonesie as opposed to the more nebulous "group", I really enjoy both of your viewpoints, and the obvious love you have for your lost.  If you don't feel like posting, I understand, but if you do feel like posting, please don't let anything stop you from doing so.  Wishing everyone comfort in sharing,

Herc

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I have had to embrace that in death, nothing is too "weird" to want to hang on to.

I let my girlfriend use one of my hairbrushes a few times, and I noticed a few weeks ago that there were still a few of her hairs in there. I delicately picked out the hairs that were obviously hers and put them in a Ziploc. 

I even think about things that she touched or held. I still haven't been able to use or wash the blanket we used to cuddle under on the couch. Because I know she used it. I got a new blanket and have used it ever since, but the old one is still there. It's amazing how we try so hard to find connection to them in anything possible. 

My friend thinks I'm weird for saving her hairs, but I don't. It's another part of "her" that I can hold on to, even if it's weird. 

I've thought about buying a bottle of her favorite perfume, even a sampler or tester, but it almost feels like it wouldn't be the "Same" since it wasn't one she used. I am really beating myself up because a bottle of her favorite hand cream was on her desk at work and for some reason I never grabbed it. I should have. I think it got tossed in the process of us cleaning her desk, I don't even remember, brain fog, but I am so upset at myself for not taking it.

 

 

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It's OK fzald. I've done some things since my husband has been gone that others would question my sanity over. I don't care. My husband would probably roll his eyes at me. My husband's last night here I considered normal. Supper. I did the routine of the dishes. I took out the garbage. The last thing I threw in the garbage was my husband's tiny 1" stub of a cigar he left on the table. A normal thing to do. He would have tossed that stub himself the next day. There was never to be that next day for him. A couple weeks later, when that cigar stub occurred to me, I beat myself up about it. I wanted to cling to everything. The dumpster had been emptied the week before. If it hadn't, I would have brought in every bag and collected all his cigar stubs. The stubs he had tossed outside were already disintegrated. I miss every single particle of my husband, if that makes sense.

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14 hours ago, fzald said:

My friend thinks I'm weird for saving her hairs, but I don't. It's another part of "her" that I can hold on to, even if it's weird.

It's not weird at all, not if you've lost the person you love, we all understand.

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It's amazing how much meaning we end up finding in seemingly unimportant things. 

When there is "no more" of something, we cling to everything we have left. 

When our beloveds were alive, we had no reason to do silly things like this. Why collect hairs when we can touch their real hair any time we want? Why collect fingernails, used tissues, cigar butts, whatever have you? They're still here and we have the best thing of all, the real person.

But now, we need to cling to every last piece because we all, at some level, understand the natural decay of things. Even with embalming, human bodies don't generally last too long, or too well, after death. I don't know how people in the funeral industry do it, handling and working with decomposing bodies all day long. I suppose it's easy if you didn't know the people who died who you're working on. I wonder if the people working in funeral industries struggle when they themselves face death of someone they love?

That's just the indifference of nature all over again though I guess. When we die, nature doesn't waste any time deconstructing our earthly bodies. 

It's so strange how we are fighting against the very nature that basically put us here and is giving us the life we have. 

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I keep thinking "How can he not be here?" It's so difficult to grasp. He's supposed to be here with me. There's so much left here that he was going to do, that we were going to do. He was just here and everything was fine. Nothing life threatening going on. He even told me in a text the night of the accident that he wished he wasn't going to this meeting. I want to go back and tell him to turn around and come home. Today has been a rough day. 

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Solomon'sGirl,

I'm sorry it was such a rough day.  I hope today goes better for you.

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My girlfriend was feeling sick the week before her trip. She actually said to me "if i don't start feeling better I might have to cancel that trip."

She also canceled a few activities during that last week.

In hindsight, this should have been a sign to me how bad she was doing. She NEVER canceled things. I saw this girl go work out when she had the flu, she just took it easy. She NEVER passed up opportunities to hang with friends or to hang with me. But I just did what any loving boyfriend would do and told her to go home and nap and rest and to call me when she woke up and we would talk. I told her if she felt she needed to go to the hospital to let me know and I'd go with her. I left it in her hands.

I wish so much I could go back and tell her "no, don't go on that trip, go to the hospital and get scanned!"

I've tried to find some comfort in the fact that it may have been inevitable for her due to a hereditary condition, but that doesn't change the fact that such a beautiful soul, a wonderful person, was just erased from the world in the space of an instant. Her memory lives on in me, but for the rest of the world it slowly but surely fades. 

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On 3/10/2017 at 10:11 AM, KMB said:

Solomon's Girl, Stonsie----Neither you or us sound like *broken records*. Our hearts are broken, we lost our soulmates in a tragic manner, a permanent one, in which they cannot return. Our loss, our pain, is a terrible cycle that is all consuming.  I hope, for all of us and our sanity, that it becomes easier to bear. We may have our separate journeys but we have so much in common also.  Our feelings, thoughts, emotions, are the same. We have to hang onto each other here if we are going to survive.

Next week is three months since he died...and honestly I feel even worse than I did right after.  Everyone is going back to their lives, I'm left wondering how on earth I can possibly live without him. Alone.  Even with people all around I still feel alone.

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I wanted to respond because you sound a lot like me.  I thought I was dreaming because I couldn't believe he actually died.  I haven't been able to think about anything but his dying and I'm scared I will forget him. He died 3/5/2017. I was with him since I was 20 and I'm 30. We have a 13 year old son together which is the only thing keeping me alive.  We moved to a new town together and he was my best friend and I didn't feel the need to make any friends here. I am so lost right now and the only person I want to help me is him.  I saw him two weeks ago and it feels like an eternity.  Everyday that goes by feels like weeks. I am a complete mess and under the circumstances that he died in the hospital, I am scared of everyone.  I'm sorry I don't have much advice and it hurts to say it was comforting to hear the things I'm feeling aren't just me.  I laugh sometimes and feel horrible, the guilt and knowing he is missing out on life really hurts.  These are feelings I have never felt so it is hard to express.  People ask me how I'm doing and all I can think of is , I don't know.  I'm sorry you have to go through this or anybody does.  If you want to talk, I wouldn't mind having someone that understands to talk to.  

 

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On March 9, 2017 at 4:45 PM, Solomon'sGirl said:

Sometimes my thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. Knowing that you all get it makes me feel like I can share any and everything. It brings some relief because it really is the everyday ordinary things that remind me of him and of the loss. I still have jalapeños in the fridge that he bought. They're surprisingly still good, so there they stay. His leftover club soda still sitting on the counter. I can't and won't throw them out. Still haven't washed his pillowcase. I'm holding on.

I haven't gone in our room it's too much.  My mom says to just put new sheets on and you will be fine and it makes me want to scream. I saved a cigarette that he halfed smoked and haven't moved it. The hospital "lost" the clothes he went there in. No one seems to understand why I don't feel like moving stuff in the house around.  I didn't take many pictures with him because he was always there.  I'm trying to keep his Facebook page around because it has pictures of him on it but then I end up posting because I am alone and need to get things out and I feel like people are over it but my life is ruined.  There are so many thing I don't care about anymore and at the same time I get my feelings hurt constantly and feel like my life is under a microscope.  Everybody knows what the right thing for me to do with my life and it bothers me but at the same time doesn't matter because it won't bring him back. 

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2 hours ago, Bobbers said:

I laugh sometimes and feel horrible, the guilt and knowing he is missing out on life really hurts.

It's important to give ourselves permission to smile again.  It's not our pain that holds us to them, it's our love.  It would be hard for your son to never see you smile again.  Lord knows we need all the good moments we can get as we learn to coexist with our grief.  (((hugs)))

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I looked up the definition to "spouse" and it says:

A spouse is a life partner in a holy matrimony, marriage, civil union, domestic partnership or common-law marriage. The term is gender neutral, whereas a male spouse is a husband and a female spouse is a wife. Although a spouse is a form of significant other, the latter term also includes non-marital partners who play a social role similar to that of a spouse, but do not have rights and duties reserved by law to a spouse.

I find myself really frustrated that we didn't get married. He was frustrated about it. I was at times, but we stayed so busy and saw ourselves as married that it just got pushed to the back burner. We'd forget that we weren't. Losing him in this way feels almost like he wasn't mine. But that feeling is only in certain situations or around certain people. It really doesn't matter. I'm just clinging to us still and wanting to be with him somehow. So I've changed Loss Type to Spouse because Wikipedia's definition makes me feel better. So I'm just going with it. 

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Solomon's Girl,

Absolutely.  Only you can define what your relationship truly was and is.  A piece of paper is just that, it can't define who we are or what we feel.  There are married couples who hate one another, and first dates that know immediately they would do anything to support the other.  Time, and the perception others have of our relationships cannot tell us what our hearts felt and indeed still feel.  The piece of paper is nothing more than a legal status.

The other day Fzald said there was no title for him, we are widows and widowers, but because he lost his girlfriend there was no word for him.  I looked up the word bereaved for him, and I think that applies to all of us far more than any of the legal terms.  We are bereaved, all of us.  The term doesn't apply labels or discriminate with what kind of loss affects us.  It is simply to "be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, especially due to the loved one's death".

Everyone of us feels intensely deprived of a loved one.  I don't know any group of people experiencing more of a profound absence.  While it does mean that the term could be applied to a child who lost a pet, which at first glance may seem small in comparison, in truth it is only a difference in the depth of the deprivation and how profound the absence is.  I for one am much more comfortable with the term bereaved for myself than widower.  Widower, or widow, changes.  If you remarry you are no longer them, as though anything in the future could change what my relationship with Christine was and is.  I can't imagine dating, or remarrying at this point, but who knows what the future holds.  I do know I will always be bereaved, and though I wish none of us had to share the title, I cannot imagine a better group of people to be included among.  Knowing no label can encompass our loss, but hoping you find comfort and peace wherever you can,

Herc

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You felt and acted as if in a marriage, so by all means, use the term!  What you had together can't be denied just because he physically died, you were that essential other to each other!

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