Solomon'sGirl

Hi, I'm new

53 posts in this topic

I posted once in response to someone's post. But I figured I should share what's happened in my life. I'm in a mood where I'm not really interested in saying much, so I guess it's odd that I'm choosing now to say something here. My moods don't make any sense to me lately. I'm just going to say whatever pops in my head. I'm exhausted from thinking and from not thinking. Exhausted from zoning out. I still have a hard time saying this, but I lost my person a month ago tomorrow. This is the longest we've gone without seeing each other since we met. I remember thinking that thought a week after the accident. I'm pretty upset at the moment because I'm afraid I'm going to forget things about him. I've questioned a lot lately if he was even real. I have his framed picture from the memorial sitting in a chair at our kitchen table. I sit at the table every night now on my laptop. It's where I am now. No more couch and tv at night, which is what we did.

He was a high school basketball coach. I went to every game. I think I missed one game this season because my daughter was sick. The night of the accident, he had coached a game. We were there, too. We walked out together. He hugged and kissed me bye, said he loved me and missed me (we had been arguing off and on that week but were so ready to let it go and just be lovey again). He had a coaching function out of town to go to that night, so we parted ways. He said he'd call me and text when he got there. This is where I stop the story of that night. I remember that night so well. I've told every detail probably a hundred times or more. For the first two weeks I could talk about it nonstop. I don't know why, but I could do it without crying. It was like it wasn't real and I was just retelling a weird story. Now I don't want to go into detail. I cried so much, yet I couldn't believe that my guy was who everyone was talking about as being gone. On some level I think I got it, but I also remember thinking that if everyone would just go away and go back to normal, my life would be normal, too. Meaning he'd be back home. I remember wanting to hurry everyone up. I think I wanted to see if he'd just come back home. I told everyone repeatedly that I just want him back. I said it so much I think I genuinely believed that somehow, someway, someone could make that happen if they saw just how seriously I meant it.

I've found myself annoyed at times that life just goes on. It's the saddest part to me. I've worried about every day that passes as being farther from when I was with him. I have so much love for him still, but he's not here to receive it. I've questioned so many things in this world. So much is petty to me now. I've grown incredibly curious about the afterlife. We used to have lots of deep conversations about this topic and just why we're here. As much as researching and reading books about it has helped me, I still go through all the stages of grief almost daily. My therapist says you can't rush grief. She's right, but I still try. I think I'm in a phase where I just want to rush life. Get it over with. I still very much love and enjoy my daughter. I'm not leaving her by choice, ever. I just really didn't want our story to end this way at this time. We were together for 2.5 years. Lived together for 2 years. That's all. Doesn't feel like that was all. So much happened in those 2 years. I just can't grasp that it's over. It doesn't feel over to me. 

 

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Solomon'sGirl,

There are no words to ease your pain, but I am so sorry for your loss.  I know that exhausted feeling all too well.

I was, and still am, so tired of all the constant attention, the people asking "What happened?" and then starring at me like I was some kind of lab experiment.  As though I had some answers to the horrible situation I was in while I still couldn't fully grasp the extent of how terrible it was.  I stopped trying to come up with any logic behind it and just give the cold hard facts so I can get through those moments.  It may seem impersonal to some, but those are mostly people who don't understand exactly how personal it is.

Your love was taken from you far too soon.  The loss is overwhelming and unfair.  And the one person who could help you through it is no longer there.

I wish I had better answers.  I wish none of us had to experience this pain.  I hope you find people here, who even if they can't help, can at least understand what you are going through.  I hope you find comfort.

 

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Solomons girl,

I wish I had something to say to help you, I probably don't, but know I wish I did. 

Grief has no rules nor a timetable. I'm not quite at the 2nd month mark and it's still "hell". I want to say to you, though, it may not feel any better, but you will start to "cope". It'll come. Allow yourself as much time as you need, you aren't obligated to explain anything to anyone (well, your daughter gets some consideration of course), and do not neglect your health, physically or emotionally. 

If I may, I'd like to offer my perspective about the "afterlife". No religion, no preaching, just my conclusions based on my personal experiences. A few days before and subsequent to my wife's passing, "events" happened that have solidified things I'd believed in before hand. They are personal and I'm not ready to share the specifics, but the message was clear, "I'm ok, everything is ok". I didn't have a "ghostly" encounter or anything like that, what happened involved precise timing and synchronicity which left me with a feeling and a knowledge of a greater reality. It created within me a feeling of absolute peace and certainty. What I've discovered though, is that the only way (and this could be different with everybody) I could experience or "see" things was to be open to them, but not actively searching for them. If I "searched", I would run the risk of seeing "signs" everywhere. I'm not trying to necessarily convince you or say that I have the "truth", I just want you to know, how someone who's going through what you are going through, believes things are "working"   Just my experience, just my sense of things. 

Again, I feel for you and the fact you're now forced to travel this dark and lonely road. I pray you get some rest and you find some peace,

Andy

 

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Solomon'sgirl, I am so sorry for your loss.  I know the feelings you are having all too  well.  We all do, unfortunately.

I especially am also curious about what happens after we die.  Mostly because I want to know if I can ever be with Kevin again.  This whole thing has made me question a lot of things, has definitely shaken what faith I have/had.  I also am in the mode of wanting to just get it over with so I can be where he is.  I wouldn't intentionally end my life or anything...but it feels like something I just want over so I can get there too.

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Solomon'sGirl, We are here for you. Every thought, feeling, you have, we've have them also. Losing our loved ones, our special persons, is a hard hit. It knocks us flat, breaks our heart and turns our life as we knew it upside down. It takes a long time to absorb what happened. A long time to accept what happened. A long time to find ourselves. Who we are supposed to be now. What are lives are supposed to be. It takes a long time to pick ourselves up and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will do this. You will survive this for yourself and your daughter. The relationships we had with our beloveds is not over. The love continues. I think of it as a temporary separation. For ourselves, we have to continue life here, but in the end, we'll be reunited and be together in eternity.

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Thank y'all for the responses. I'm so angry lately. Just negative. It's not who I am. I've become really snappy. When I'm around friends I do better. But alone, I'm just mad. Right now I'm on the verge of tears. I guess because I'm acknowledging my feelings. And here they come. Sometimes I don't know whether to just cry it out and let myself go to that low place or make myself busy. I think part of my anger is that I'm just mad that I'm constantly hurting. The pain doesn't really go away, it's just either right smack in front of you or it's at a distance. I'm thankful for the moments it's at a distance. And times like right now, it's ugh. I just hate it. I don't want to be so sad and I just want him to be here. Not just spiritually. I want him to do this life stuff with me. Once I met him, I didn't want anyone else. He said the same. No matter what was going on, no matter how many disagreements we had, we both insisted we didn't want to do this with anyone else. Reality now just feels so wrong. 

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It is alright to be angry. It is alright to hurt. It is alright to cry. The feelings, the emotions, have to be acknowledged and expressed. This is how we heal. This grief journey is a roller coaster. Just go with it.

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Solomon's Girl

I am so sorry for your loss and words are sometimes inadequate, but know that you are not alone.  We are all here with our individual story and it hurts like hell.  I lost the love of my life and I can't comprehend, like you, that he's never coming back.  It's like a dream (more like a nightmare) and no matter how hard I try to wake up, I can't.  I don't really know if I want to wake up, to this reality; this reality without him, without my heart, without my best friend, without half of me. 

As comforting as words can be at times, they can't take away your hurt.  My pray for you is this: comfort on difficult days; smiles when sadness intrudes; rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to split your lips, sunsets to warm your hearts; hugs when your spirit sags, friendships to brighten your being; beauty for your yes to see; faith so that you can believe and have hope; confidence for when you doubt; patience to know the truth; courage to know yourself and love to complete your life.  The pain that you've been feeling will not compare to the Joy that is coming. In Romans 8:18 states "We have sufferings now, but the sufferings we have now are nothing compared to the great glory that will be given to us."

Some of the most comforting words in the entire universe are "me too".  In that moment you realize that your struggle is someone else's struggle and that you are not alone for many others have been down the same road you on.

May you find Gods comforting arms to enfold you and give you the strength, love and peace you need at this most difficult time.

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17 hours ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

I'm afraid I'm going to forget things about him. I've questioned a lot lately if he was even real.

This is normal and common to feel in loss.  I can tell you it's been nearly 12 years since I lost my husband yet I remember everything about him.  The way that tiny curl fell on his forehead.  His smell.  How it felt when he held me.  The sound of his voice.  The way he pulled me to him, that affected me like no one else ever has!  The things we did, our life together...I haven't forgotten anything.

Yet, like you, there have been times I wonder if I imagined him, was he really real?  Did we really have a life together?  I can tell you, I've gone to our file cabinet and looked up his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate.  No, they're really there, he really existed.  I see his handwriting, I remember, that was his.  I didn't make him up, there is his picture on the wall, taken with me, I remember he drove 60 miles to town to buy a shirt to wear just to match the dress I was wearing.  That was my George.  You won't forget and you didn't make him up...it's just one of those tricks grief plays.

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22 minutes ago, KayC said:

Thank you KayC. Thanks everyone who's said something and even those that haven't. I'm so glad I found this forum. It's comforting to hear that others are experiencing the same thoughts that I am. Questioning if I imagined him is normal, who knew? You mentioned seeing his handwriting. Five months after we met, we decided (actually had been talking about it for about 3 months) to get tattoos of each other's name on our hands. His name is in his handwriting on my hand. He got my name on his hand in my handwriting. We agreed on print instead of our signature so we could read it easily. We had it done in white ink. It looks like a scar. Looks like it's part of us and not just put on us, if that makes sense. There were times when we couldn't believe we did it, but we never regretted. I'm really glad we did it. I'm glad that crazy idea actually happened. I'm also sad. With every glad moment, I have an equally sad moment about the same thing. I guess in a way that's proof he existed and the memories I have of us aren't made up. Seems almost silly that I question it, but apparently that's normal.. what a weird normal we're in. (Btw, I have no idea how to unquote this..)

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What beautiful tattoos.  I have never been fond of tattoos.  I never had something of permanency and importance to such a degree that I would want to be forever marked by it.  Until I met my wife.

I think we all fluctuate between those glad and sad moments.  It is such a crash when you think of something you are so fond of, and then the realization that it is gone hits.  For me there is a component of guilt to it as well.

Why should I be happy when she cannot.  I hate guilt, it robs us of what little reality we can still cling to.  She would want me to remember her happily, not with a lump in my throat.  I've been trying lately, when that guilt springs up, to write down what thought made me glad, then read it five minutes later.  Sometimes it lets me breakthrough the sad thoughts that followed, sometimes it doesn't, but I still have the thoughts written down to try later.

I hope you find more of those glad moments, and some comfort and peace in this new normal.

P.S.  Don't worry about the quote.  I am tech savvy, and the quote function here has thrown me off more than once for some reason.

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50 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yet, like you, there have been times I wonder if I imagined him, was he really real?  Did we really have a life together?  I can tell you, I've gone to our file cabinet and looked up his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate.  No, they're really there, he really existed.  I see his handwriting, I remember, that was his.  I didn't make him up, there is his picture on the wall, taken with me, I remember he drove 60 miles to town to buy a shirt to wear just to match the dress I was wearing.  That was my George.  You won't forget and you didn't make him up...it's just one of those tricks grief plays.

I almost think that the idea that we imagine they might have been a dream is part of our mind's way of dealing with the grief. If you watch a particularly sad movie, you might cry. You might almost feel like it's real. But then after the movie is over, you wipe your eyes and you continue on, because your mind knows the story isn't real. Or, even if it was a true story, you know it wasn't your story. It was a story told by someone else. You shared in the emotions that the storyteller evoked for a time. But after you're done, you can file the emotional experience away and go on with your life. 

So I think that since that's how our minds "cope" with those kinds of emotions, we try to do it with real life things too. Wouldn't it be easier to get over things if our relationships, marriages, etc. had just been dreams? It would suck, but not nearly as much as it does knowing they were real, they existed, and yet they don't exist anymore in this world, and never will again. It's almost a form of denial, but rather than denying the loss, we deny the fact that we ever had what we lost. Same goal at least in our heads: to reduce the pain we feel.

Even when everything was OK in your life, I'm sure you had a dream here and there where you woke up from it wishing the dream had been real. Maybe you'd won the lottery. Maybe you had finally accomplished something you have always wanted to. But when you woke up, you realized the dream wasn't real, so you might have been sad for a moment, or just annoyed. But notice how quickly you get over it. You might lay in bed for a few minutes wishing your dream had been real, but eventually you get up, brush your teeth, get dressed, and before you know it the dream is a distant memory. It's easy to get past a dream that we wish was real. It's much harder to get past a lost reality that we wish was still real.

Of course, it's a bit different when you dream about your loved one still being alive. That's an even deeper anguish than having a dream about winning the lottery or something, because now the dream represents what you actually had for real which is gone. That's even harder. For me, when I see my girlfriend in dreams, it's awesome, it's happy, it's one time that I could honestly say I am at peace... But then I wake up. And my world shatters all over again. It sucks.

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fzald, very profound way of thinking. Written in an order that is easily understood. My brain is faster than my typing, I scramble everything. Sometimes I have deleted my own posts because I had it so scrambled.

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fzald:  I've read a few of your posts/comments. You have a way of thinking and explaining things that I like. 

Herc:  I, too, feel guilty at times. I feel guilty for being here still. For being around his kids without him, being at his work place (I'm now working there full-time), being around his friends without him. I feel like I'm cheating on him for some reason. I feel guilty when I enjoy something. I wonder if he thinks I'm happier without him. Everything I've read about afterlife lets me know that he's cool with everything. He has a much better understanding of how things work than I do and isn't holding anything against me. But then I'm still here in my physical body with limitations on how much I really know about all of that, and I start questioning everything again. I start thinking of him as if he's still feeling and thinking the same way he did when he was here. There's just so many questions. And of course I'd like for him to be the one to answer. Anyone else and it's just not enough to scratch that itch. I used to be easily satisfied with things in life. Pretty content person. Now, I'm just not satisfied. 

KMB:  I'm so jumbled up lately that I've considered deleting everything so far, but I just go with it.

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The confusion and chaos of it all is overwhelming.  What did she think, what is she thinking, what would she think if she were here?    It is as if my mind is trying to come at this from every possible angle.  And the angle that jumps to the front first is usually the most horrible one, because that is my most recent experience, horrible things that no person should be asked to deal with.  But that is just the guilt, stealing reality from me.

We all want them to answer, but tragically they never will again.  So we must answer for them, we who knew them to the core, better than anyone else did.  When I really need that answer from Christine, I ask her.  I think of her, sitting at our kitchen table as she did so often when we talked about serious things.  I think of the dark brown of her eyes, the way she would lay one arm over the back of the chair, the smile she wore only for me.

Then I ask her.  I ask her the one question I always know the answer to.  I ask her the only question that really matters.  I ask her if she loves me.  The answer, no matter how confused, or hurt, or uncertain I may be, is always yes.  It always makes me cry, but it also makes all the other questions inconsequential.  I'll never hear her say it again, which hurts me to my core, but at least I know one answer.

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30 minutes ago, Herc said:

It is as if my mind is trying to come at this from every possible angle.

 

 

I'll never hear her say it again, which hurts me to my core, but at least I know one answer.

To the first part.. yes. I've never been so obsessed with something. 

And to the second part, thank you for that reminder. 

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I'm having this weird panicky feeling.. like I should've warned him that he was going to die. I know it's irrational. It's just that I took care of so many things for him. Kept his life in order. I was his girlfriend/fiancee/wife and stepmom to his children. We never officially got engaged with a ring or anything grand. We both had been divorced. We wanted something special, but we wanted to just be married already. We were already living our life as if we were married. We actually kept forgetting we weren't. It's part of my struggle now, wondering what my place is and who am I now. We were so busy all the time. We loved it because we were busy doing things together. I lost so much when I lost him. It's been a little over a month since the accident. So much has changed. We live in a wonderful community and have some of the greatest friends anyone could ask for. Everyone here picked me up and carried me through the first few weeks. Even now the support continues. It's a true blessing.. the love is big. I hate to even say "but", BUT no amount of love and support takes the hurt away. It's painful, the loss. I feel ridiculous with some of the thoughts I've had, like that I should've warned him. Feeling like I let him down somehow. I'm sure it's because he counted on me for so many things. I made sure all of his obligations were met, that one schedule didn't interfere with another. If one did interfere, I did everything I could to move things around so it all worked. We would joke that I should add personal assistant to my title. I took care of him. I feel guilty because his accident happened because I worked things around so he could still attend this meeting he was traveling to. I think about what if I hadn't tried so hard to make everything work for him. What if I had just said sorry, you have to stay home? There was no way I could've known this was going to happen. But I still feel responsible. I still feel like I let him down. Like if it was inevitable that this happened, that I should've warned him so he could prepare, so we could go over everything. We did talk about things like death and wanting certain things. But it was just a conversation. It wasn't something we actually planned for. 

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Solomon'sGirl---You didn't let your beloved down. You were not responsible for what happened. You are taking on a burden of guilt that you don't need. You are already overwhelmed with getting through each day, you don't need anymore on your plate. We all have some aspect of guilt in losing someone. We feel responsible, we need someone to blame. In most cases, there is no one to blame. No real reason of guilt. Guilt is an unproductive emotion born of fear and a sense of helplessness. Things in life happen. We will all die someday. For most of us, we just do not know the when or how. Life is a big crapshoot game. The feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. Your beloved does not blame you for his passing. In fact, he has huge love and gratitude to you for sharing his life and giving him his best years. HUGs to you.

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Solomon'sGirl,

Guilt is a normal part of grief. It's normal to feel that you should have, could have done something to prevent the death. It's even worse when you served any kind of caretaker role in their life. But we can't fault ourselves for trying to make things the best for them. My girlfriend died while on vacation with her family. We actually had some disagreements on whether she should go on the vacation because there were some new projects coming up at work, and I was of the opinion she should stay and be involved. But in the end I wanted her to be happy, I wanted her to live life, because that's what she loved doing, so in the end I encouraged her, that if she really wanted the time away to go ahead and take it and I'd hold down the fort for her at work, and catch her up when she came back. I asked myself if I should have tried harder to keep her from going, but would that have made a difference? The truth is I don't know, nobody knows. She could have stil passed out but instead at work. She could have died in her sleep in her bed at home. She could have gotten angry with me and gone anyway. We only have so much power over other people, and in the end when we love someone we will almost always put their needs and their desires at the top of our priorities.

It is great that you have friends and family around to help you, but you're right, there is nothing in the entire world that is ever going to be "good enough" to take away any of the pain. The only thing that could possibly do that is gone from the world forever. The support is still better than nothing, but you know as well as I do that it can't take any of our pain away, all it can do is help us not feel quite so alone when we feel the pain.

Like you I did discuss death and dying with my girlfriend but never in an actual serious way. Although, she had told me, only a few months ago, that there were some things she absolutely wanted to happen if she died, and sadly because her family took charge and wouldn't include me in any decisions, I was not able to make her wishes happen. This bothers me to this day. Her family did not want to acknowledge our relationship. But like you, I know what we had was real. We were not married, but we may as well have been. We were not living together even, but we were planning to very soon, this year. But in the end, marriage is a piece of paper and a ceremony. It's what YOU and your partner felt the relationship was that defines it. It's sad that our society tends not to take grief as seriously if it's "grieving your boyfriend/girlfriend's death" versus a spouse. Even if you search the Internet you'll find way more about grieving spouses than grieving relationship partners.

I don't know how I'll ever come through. I don't know when I'll feel happy again. I don't know when I'll be excited for anything again. Right now I am going through the motions, barely making it through each day and being exhausted, going to bed hours earlier than I used to. I find no joy in my life, I do things because I have to, not because I enjoy doing them like I used to. My job used to be so much fun, I loved it, now it's an empty necessity that I do for the money and nothing more. My co-workers have been incredibly supportive, but like we said it's nothing compared to what I could have if she were still here. My girlfriend was also my co-worker, so I feel her absence every single day at work. I think no further ahead than tomorrow morning, because any further than that throws me into a panic attack.

Hang in there. You and I have only been in this for a roughly similar amount of time. The day that your boyfriend passed was only one single day before the last day I saw my girlfriend alive. Our last day together was January 20th. She fell into unconsciousness on the 23rd and died on the 28th. We spoke on the 22nd and on the morning of the 23rd on the phone. But we never got to see each other again after the 20th.

I find it hard to believe sometimes that it's March. It feels like I've lived and died a thousand times since she passed and yet it feels like it was only yesterday that I last hugged her and told her I loved her. 

This journey is incredibly painful, and I don't know how any of us will get through it, but we have to try our best. It's all we really can do...

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50 minutes ago, KMB said:

Your beloved does not blame you for his passing. In fact, he has huge love and gratitude to you for sharing his life and giving him his best years. HUGs to you.

Well, that broke me. The tears came flowing. I guess I needed to hear that he doesn't blame me. Thank you 

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fzald, I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. For not being included in any decisions in regards to your girlfriend. I've had my worries about that, but thankfully, his brother and extended family along with his ex-wife and kids have kept me involved and treated me like family. It's something I think I've struggled with accepting, I guess because I've been blaming myself. Some days I've just wanted to hide, to disappear. I feel worthless. All because I've been feeling responsible. He was always a priority to me. He and my daughter have always been first on my list. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I do somewhat. Confessing that here and reading what you and KMB said has really helped. 

I find it hard to believe that it's March as well. Sometimes I get frustrated with time going by so quickly. And sometimes I feel like it's just way too slow and I'm ready to get to the end. I can't believe this actually happened. I do still find myself expecting to wake up and see him again. And then tell him how crazy it was that we all acted like he died. 

Last week I had been crying and talking to him about wanting to hug him. That night I dreamed that I was in our kitchen, waiting for my brother to arrive (he as actually coming the next day in real life). As I was waiting I heard the doorknob turn. The door was locked. Then I heard keys jingle and the door actually open. I thought out loud that only one other person has a key. And then he walked in, peaked around the corner, and me and my daughter jumped up and we all hugged the biggest hug. He was crying. I remember pulling myself back a little to look at his face and seeing tears rolling down. That was my dream. Sometimes I wonder if that was really him letting me know that he thinks of us, too. That he misses us and wanted to see and hug us again, too. It's a really nice thought. 

Thank y'all for letting me just type whatever I'm thinking and not judge anything. I think we're all a little too preoccupied to really judge anything anymore. But thank you just the same. 

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Solomon's Girl,

Guilt is a part of grief...it's like we're trying to rewrite the ending, trying to find another solution, the "what ifs".  But no way were you responsible for his death.  We couldn't have known they'd die and couldn't have prevented it no matter how we rework it in our mind.  But we all do this.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

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On 3/3/2017 at 9:00 AM, KayC said:

Solomon's Girl,

Guilt is a part of grief...it's like we're trying to rewrite the ending, trying to find another solution, the "what ifs".  But no way were you responsible for his death.  We couldn't have known they'd die and couldn't have prevented it no matter how we rework it in our mind.  But we all do this.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

Thank you for the links

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I'm just sitting here on the floor of our bedroom looking at his dirty clothes still lying on the floor of our closet. Thinking about how he put them there. Nothing on his side has really changed. I've hung up a couple pair of pants and shirts that were lying on the ironing board, still wrinkled. Thought about how the clothes that are ironed were ironed when he was still here. It feels like it's been so long ago since he was here. I think about him and talk to him as if he's still here. But it feels like it's been forever since I've seen him. 

He was supposed to coach baseball this spring. First year doing it. They retired a number for him the other day. It was a nice ceremony. One of his friends, also my friend, suggested that when I'm ready I could give some of his school shirts back for other coaches to wear. I like the idea but just can't do it right now. He said it's ok to do it in a month or a year - whenever I'm ready. So many people love him. I know they think of him at work, at home, just whenever. But I wonder if they think of him all the time like I do.. Sitting on the floor staring at dirty clothes. Moving a beard hair that was in our shower up a little higher so the water won't get it because it reminds me that he really was here. How it makes me sad to fill the coffee pot to the 4 instead of 8. Avoiding certain places, eating certain foods because I'm not ready to face the memories yet. 

I can sit here for what feels like a few minutes but is actually hours just looking at his clothes. Sometimes I think about a lot of things. Sometimes I'm blank, empty. I'm genuinely happy around a lot of people. I can smile and laugh and it's all real. But every alone time, I'm incredibly sad. And I'm still having a difficult time accepting that he's never going to put these clothes on again. Understanding and accepting the deaths of my grandmothers, aunt, cousin, childhood best friend.. all of that was hard, but I didn't stay in denial for long. This is different. I can't seem to get out of it. 

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Solomon'sGirl,

I'm so sorry.  I don't think there is a way out of it.  I think the only way is through it.  With it clinging to us, tripping us, suffocating us, for the rest of our lives.

At first that sounds horrifying to me.  The thought that this is now my life.  That I will never have another point where this pain and loss doesn't touch me.  But when I really think about it, I am grateful.  Happy knowing that I will never forget her.  Knowing that she was, and still is that important to me.  Knowing that even at the highest points in my future, she will be with me.

Before I soared to joy, without truly understanding loss.  It was light with no darkness.  Sound without silence.  It was perfect, and now can never be that again.  I am devastated by that loss.

But now I at least know what I had.  How precious and unique it really was.  I will treasure that.  While I probably will never find it again, I had it for a moment.  And the future joys will be brighter, because I now know the darkness as well.

Our future is not reflecting on the loss.  It is understanding what we truly had.  Songs, poems, books, and movies are written about it.  They are poor reflections of what we all here now know.  Attempts to let the unfortunate people who have never experienced this understand why we can celebrate out loss with tears and yet never want to part with a moment of our past to avoid our painful present.

Move the beard hair up a little.  Never iron the wrinkled shirts, and never allow a wrinkle in those that are ironed.  Do whatever you need to to hold on to that love.  But realize that while this pain may never go away, neither will that joy.  The joy that others seek, but we have known to our souls, and will know for the rest of our lives.  Gratefully,

Herc

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