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Lost my son to suicide


kitkat313

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Hi I'm new here,I'm really struggling...my son actually passed away dec 29th...but the legal date of death is Jan 3,2017....because that is when he was found hanging in the garage where he lived.   Since this has happened I've come to find out that there is someone who was previously in his life that is somewhat responsible for putting him in that frame of mind.   Does it really even matter? He is gone...I'm sure if she played a role in this somehow she has to live with that.   I'm just finding it hard to even go on myself. I don't want to tell my family how I feel.

How do I go on?   The pain is just to unbearable... I miss him and I just want him back... I want one chance to make it ok.

just yesterday someone said...see your getting better...your smiling... really???

i said yeah I'm doing ok...but I'm not ok...not even...does it get better...I'm scared...sad, hurting....I just want my boy back.

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KitKat ~ I was so sorry to read of ur dear sons passing.

i, too, lost a son to suicide ~  my heart goes out to you.

 

 

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kitkat i am so sorry. it is normal to want to blame someone or something but you are right it does not matter. Suicide usually builds up over time and depression or other psychiatric issues that may have been undiagnosed are often major factors. just know you could not have done anything more or said anything that would maybe have made a difference, it is impossible to see inside someone's mind especially when we all fake stuff to try and put on a brave face to the world. It is ok to smile and laugh afterward do not let anyone make you feel guilty for that. i laughed on the day of my son's funeral because there was a very brief sudden downpour of rain afterward and I felt it was just Tommy's little joke seeing everyone running for shelter. there was also an amazing rainbow later in the day right across the road from my house that i took as being another sign from him that it was all going to be ok. Laughing does not mean you are done grieving, that takes a lifetime I'm afraid, but it does get easier in time. We all want that second chance with our loved ones and it is a case of realising you have to communicate with them in a different way now. Your son is still with you, you just cannot see him for now and he will always be in your heart and by your side.

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Thank you Tommy's mum :)   You sure have helped a lot of ppl here...so sad what happened to your son, I'm so sorry :(  

Thank you for your words of support, they really mean a lot to me, this doesn't come with a handbook and even what I have re

searched everyone deals differently and are at different stages at times, it's not all the same for us all, but there sure is a sharing

of the pain and heartache that I could never have ever wrapped my head around how bad it really is!!!  I'm so sorry to all that have

lost their child...nothing I can think of that has ever happened to me is as bad as this.  I guess its still so raw, I'm trying I really am,

some days I don't even care to get out of bed, I forces myself...sometimes I wonder how life is just going on the same around me, I feel like im in some kind of horrible fog... I hope and pray it gets better faster, I do have two other children, both daughters ... and although they are grown and have families, I know they still need me.   

Some days I really feel such pain I pray I wont wake up the next morning, ... but I do

Thank you again, thanks for sharing the rain and laughing and rainbow.  Hugs and best wishes for you and your family :)   

 

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Kitkat thanks. I have been helped by supportive people on this forum and I hope to be able to help others a little in return, The very fact that we have all been through terrible tragic losses is testament to the inner strength we do not always know we have, hidden reserves that get us through the days and nights and enable us to keep going when there is no desire to live. My other 3 kids are also adults and in a way that has been harder. They all live in different cities but phone calls just are not the same. That is why I love this site I can connect with others when I am not brave enough to attend a group because it means leaving my house which I am still finding difficult. My recovery was very complicated and took a very long time to happen however I know I have been forced to deal with every painful aspect so I will not be caught up in the cycle and regress later on. Dont get me wrong i still have bad days but I have accepted my son's death and am at peace with it as much as you can be at peace, and I am focusing on being able to help others in my son's memory. Tommy was a hero so having been through some personal failures of my own I hope to be able to acheive some small successes myself to make my son and other children proud of me. I miss Tommy every single day and know that will last a lifetime but also know he walks beside us applauding our successes and willing us all to be healed and free of the chains of grief. You will be free of those chains too one day, just work through it one day at a time ok?

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