Lost to suicide

[climbmountains91]

I lost my ex partner/daughters dad to suicide a year ago.

It seems everyone around me has moved on but I know they haven't aswell, there just getting on with there lives like I should be doing and I am to an extent but I'm not aswell. 

Right now i am just feeling stuck, a part of me wants to move on, find a new relationship but I just feel I can't. When I lost him, it was like losing the other half of my body, I felt like how a widower would feel. He wasn't just my ex partner, he was everything rolled into one, a brother I never had,  a best friend i never had, a lover at one point. We had our differences as we both struggle-d with mental health but I knew that a few years down the line we'd get a grip, we'd laugh at how stupid we're being and get back together. He was a very unique guy, a very strong, loving character, now when I see guys, they just seem 'basic' to me, its so embarrsing to say because that sounds snobbish but I am not, but he changed my whole life, for the better, he showed me life, its so hard to explain. Its like no one can live upto his standards now and i hate feeling like that. 

There was a girl involved who claimed to be his girlfriend (lets say she stirred up a lot of trouble) and was there when he took, what he took, me, his friends, nor his family knew who this girl was, but and it sounds so childish but his mum 'chose' her to stay with her, support her, this girl got to have the last moments with him and I just feel that should of been me or atleast one of his close friends, i felt betrayed by his mum - daughters nan. He had a waiting room full of friends. I know she was in a place i cant imagine but yeah. I'm trying to put it behind me as best i can but i don't know. I just felt robbed with the last time I had with him as he was in ICU for a week and a half. 

I find it hard when my daughter has an event, i.e birthday and though I have amazing support around me its just not the same, even if she was ever to have a step-dad, no one can fill that hole. I find it hard when I see parents, mum and the dad, because thats all i wanted, regardless if we were together or not. My daughter still doesn't fully understand about her dad, she didn't see him much as he didn't see her much but if i show her a photo now she'd know who her dad is, but thats another story. 

I know grief takes aslong as it takes and its different for everyone but I am feeling 'stuck'. I feel like I'm holding onto him for something, lately i've been talking about him alot and sometimes referring to him as if his still here and i have to correct myself. Its weird in my head his very much ALIVE, but reality he isn't. I just don't know what to do. I just feel i will never love again, its like new people i meet don't intrigue me, i don't have that same energy i used to have. Everything seems so basic and empty. He felt like 'home'. If god-forbid something happened to my parents or family member I knew I'd be able to get through it with him in my life, now I just don't know how i'd cope. When i was with him, all my problems disappeared just by being in his company. He's the only person id speak to on the phone and i rarely use the phone and when i find a person i can speak to, its pretty special, now I just never have anyone to speak to. Yeah i could phone a friend etc.. its not the same!!!!!

Anyway sorry for the rambling. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ModHerc]

Climbmountains91,

You are stuck, you are holding on to something.  It is the same thing all of the people on this site are holding on to, love for someone who is gone.  Your situation was unique, as was everyone here.

I never deleted any text messages from my wife.  I have looked through them frequently in the past month and a half.  8 years (the amount of time I have had the phone) of love, and other things.

One of the conversations  by text that we had was a fight.  I had forgotten it until I looked through the them.  It was about three years ago, and it was intense.  I had forgotten that I had drawn up divorce papers.  Forgotten that she had agreed to sign them.  Forgotten that we had met in a parking lot, on neutral ground to sign them, and be done.

If we had, would it change how I feel today?  Would that piece of paper, or the viewpoints of outsiders, change the love I felt, and still feel today for her?  Of course not.

I am so sorry your daughters Grandmother shut you out like that.  I know you see her grief, but understand, she may not have known what she was doing at the time.  You may have to deal with her as your daughter grows up.  I wouldn't go out of your way to include her, but  I also think you shouldn't let an idiotic moment in her time of grief completely remove that tie to your daughters father.

I feel your loss, and your daughters.  So continue to be stuck, continue to hold on to something, for as long as you need to, even if it is your whole life.  Some things are worth holding on to.  I hope you find some comfort here with this remarkable group of people.

[KMB]

climbmountains91---I am sorry for your loss and for all the trouble you have been enduring. We grieve because we love. Some people get through this journey in one piece, finding hope and a new way of life. Some just struggle along the best they can, hanging on to what they need to in order to not fall completely apart. The latter is the category I am in, maybe you also. Do whatever it takes for you. This is your journey. Be patient and kind to yourself.

[climbmountains91]

9 hours ago, Herc said:

Climbmountains91,

You are stuck, you are holding on to something.  It is the same thing all of the people on this site are holding on to, love for someone who is gone.  Your situation was unique, as was everyone here.

I never deleted any text messages from my wife.  I have looked through them frequently in the past month and a half.  8 years (the amount of time I have had the phone) of love, and other things.

One of the conversations  by text that we had was a fight.  I had forgotten it until I looked through the them.  It was about three years ago, and it was intense.  I had forgotten that I had drawn up divorce papers.  Forgotten that she had agreed to sign them.  Forgotten that we had met in a parking lot, on neutral ground to sign them, and be done.

If we had, would it change how I feel today?  Would that piece of paper, or the viewpoints of outsiders, change the love I felt, and still feel today for her?  Of course not.

I am so sorry your daughters Grandmother shut you out like that.  I know you see her grief, but understand, she may not have known what she was doing at the time.  You may have to deal with her as your daughter grows up.  I wouldn't go out of your way to include her, but  I also think you shouldn't let an idiotic moment in her time of grief completely remove that tie to your daughters father.

I feel your loss, and your daughters.  So continue to be stuck, continue to hold on to something, for as long as you need to, even if it is your whole life.  Some things are worth holding on to.  I hope you find some comfort here with this remarkable group of people.

Sorry to hear of both your losses! 

We are on civil terms and i will continue to be for my daughters sake, she doesn't know I'm upset with her about it and a part of me has wanted to talk to her about it but its so hard because she has enough to deal with, I don't want to burden her with what seems to be a small problem, in reality to me its wounded me. I don't go out of my way though. I've wanted to get close to her and support her but i just can't I'm to hurt. 

I'm doing a scrapbook on his life for my daughter for when she grows up so she knows more about him. Someone suggested it to me I haven't been able to do it until now, hopefully that will bring some healing. 

Thank you for your replies, very much appreciated! 

 

 

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, climbmountains91 said:

now when I see guys, they just seem 'basic' to me, its so embarrsing to say because that sounds snobbish but I am not

That doesn't sound snobbish at all, I think all of us feel that way about our partner that we lost.  Every guy I ever met is in greys but my George was in living color!  That's just how we feel because they were the one for us!

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Doing a scrapbook sounds like a great idea.  I always meant to, even gathered the stuff, but somehow it was always just way too hard to do.

[fzald]

When we meet someone, when we give our heart to them fully, when we accept them into our life as a partner, a lover, maybe a spouse, a best friend... Our own personality shapes around theirs. We adopt some of their traits, and they adopt some of ours. It's true, who we are is largely defined, if not totally defined, by the people we meet. 

So of course nobody will ever "match up" or "replace" the person you lost. This is honestly one of the most depressing thoughts that you might have in a death. For each of us, the person we lost was a very unique, one of a kind individual. There is not, nor will there ever be, another person on the planet just like them. And honestly, even if there was, that person would not share the history, the memories, the time together we had already shared with the one we lost. So it is impossible to ever replace someone.

The only thing that can, and does, happen for some is that you learn to open yourself up to new love. When we break up with someone, we also have to grieve the loss. It's not quite the same because the other person is still alive. (I wrote a thread comparing the two on here) But almost everyone has experienced a breakup and most all of those people have loved again. The new person that those people loved was very different from the person they lost, but they shaped their existing personality around the new person, just like I said. 

Of course when someone dies it's different because there's usually nothing "broken beyond repair" in the relationship. Most breakups happen for what, in retrospect, is a good reason. But deaths do not come with that realization and no amount of searching or pondering or thinking it over will bring you a "reason" why it ended. The "hole" left after a death is a lot stronger than the one left after a breakup. But I do hope, for my own sake, that maybe someday, those of us who choose to can find love again. It won't be the same love. It won't even be close. It won't be anything like the person we lost, and we will always miss that relationship. But maybe, just maybe, some of us can learn to love again, and can find new happiness. It doesn't mean we'll ever forget our lost loves, or that we'll ever "move on" from them, or that we'll never wish that they were actually still here with us. But we can maybe, just maybe, learn to live with the reality we're presented with, even if it's not our choice to do so...

[Francine]

22 hours ago, climbmountains91 said:

but he changed my whole life, for the better, he showed me life, its so hard to explain. Its like no one can live upto his standards now and i hate feeling like that.

I know he was special to you and how much you loved him. For some moments in life, there are simply no words to explain the hurt that is within us.  It will be the little things that you remember, the quiet times, the smiles, the laughter, and although it may seem hard right now, it will be the memories of those little things that will help push away the pain and bring back a smile.  

I know it hurts like hell, but try to stay strong for the people who love and need you.  Hold on to the Love, not the Loss.  Whoever you hold in the heart of you, is forever and always a part of you.   Words, however kind, can't mend your heartache, but those of us on this website, who care and share your loss, wish you comfort and peace of mind. May you find strength in the love of family and in the warm embrace of friends.

May God smother you with all his love, care and strength during this most difficult time.