Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

We all have this in common


KMB

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Just came across this website, don't know if anyone else has.

www.whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief

I could list another thing that some of us have touched on, but it has already been a tough day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear KMB,

Sorry to hear its been a tough day. (((hugs))) I hear you.

Thank you for the link to this site. I have visited What's Your Grief before. Its a wonderful site. Full of good information and resources. It makes me feel less alone in my feelings and struggles.

Thinking of my dad. I get choked up and I let the tears fall. I know there is nothing that will bring him back. But I still struggle with the what ifs.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Reader, Thank you for your kind words. I feel so lost and alone without my husband. I also feel compelled to read anything connected to loss and grieving. Searching for something, I don't know what.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB,

I know what you mean. I've read a ton of posts on WhatsYourGrief. I find that I can be temporarily soothed, but it doesn't last long. The sad and depressing truth is for all of us, there's only one shortcut to being happy and it's newer going to happen for us. Maybe we will get the chance in the next world to be with them again. But that doesn't help soothe the ache we feel on this planet. People talk about medium readings or whatever, and I do agree it could be very helpful for some of the acute grief, but the fact still remains that they are gone and we are here. Especially for us who lost someone suddenly, without any warning, it's particularly agonizing because it feels wrong. It seems hard to believe that someone who didn't want to die, had no plans to die... could just be gone in a flash and be OK with it. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

fzald, Whom ever is in charge of this life and death stuff, should be willing to bend the rules. This planet is over populated. When we lose someone whom we absolutely cannot exist without, we should be given the option of going with them or staying.

It happens by accident. I remember when I was in high school, a husband and wife who were very close and teachers, died together in a car accident. Back in the early 90's, a couple I knew by acquaintance, just starting their retirement years, were on their way home from a vacation. They went off a bridge into the river just a few miles from home.

Nothing makes sense. I guess it is not supposed to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB,

I agree. One of the "best" ways to go is together, at the same time, with the one you love. No grief or sadness needs to be felt between you two. I mean of course others will grieve your loss, but losing your partner is one of the hardest griefs possible to me. Dying together is almost merciful, because you will never have to suffer the agonizing grief of partner loss...

The day my girl died, I would have gladly followed her. That night, I called out to her, out loud even, asking her to take me with. Begging even, The world lost all meaning for me all at once. It still feels that way today. I still wish sometimes that I would just die in my sleep. But now things are shifting. I feel like even that wouldn't soothe me, because either way both of us lose this world, all it has to offer. She has already lost this world, all her dreams and hopes. Me going to be with her still wouldn't bring her back here, which I bet she would want most of all... 

I ask myself why I had to be tested this way. Did I, or her, or someone else, do something wrong? We are taught as kids that if you do right, you get rewarded, but if you do wrong, you suffer consequences. It's  hard not to find something to blame yourself for, because the pain of grief is worse than any punishment a teacher or parent can dish out. It feels like we have to be being punished for something... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
35 minutes ago, fzald said:

... We are taught as kids that if you do right, you get rewarded, but if you do wrong, you suffer consequences. It's  hard not to find something to blame yourself for, because the pain of grief is worse than any punishment a teacher or parent can dish out. It feels like we have to be being punished for something... 

There is that, but I think there is something else to consider as well.  If no one is to blame, others or even ourselves, our human brains jump to the conclusion that this horrible event was random.  That it could happen again, at any moment.  That we could feel this torturous solitude for no reason all over again tomorrow.

The scariest part of that, is that in some ways it is true.  I could lose my daughter, my mother, my entire family tonight.  It wouldn't be my fault, but again my mind would try to find a way to make it my fault, or someone else's.  Because we need that security, we need to think that we can control the uncontrollable.

None of this is our fault.  We don't deserve to be punished, we all DESERVE our loved ones.  But I believe two things.  First I believe that one day I will be reunited with her in some way.  Second I believe that even with the burden of this pain, my life is immeasurably better because she was in it.  That may also be my mind tricking itself into making order out of endless chaos, but given the choice between the two, I choose the latter.

Our loved ones may want us to join them, although most beliefs indicate they are beyond wanting anything now.  What I know Christine wanted is for me to be loved and cared for.  To be happy and whole.

I know I can never be whole without her, and I don't know if I will ever be truly happy again.  I think at some point I can find a way to love myself again.  But I know I can care for myself.  I've got one out of four down.  I'll work on the others one day at a time.  I don't think I can get all four for her, but I'll do my best.

For your loved ones, do the same.  Take care of yourself with the same love, compassion, and understanding they would have.  If they want for anything now, that is it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB

Like you, its been a rough day.  Went to my grief counseling group session and although it was good hearing stories from others and getting good advice on how they handled their loss, it still hurt like hell.  I know this entire year is going to be the worst ever and am not looking forward moving on 'solo'.   The tsunami is coming, so I'll sign off now and go through it; hope I don't drown.  I wonder, if that's not a bad idea?  You're in my prayers; stay strong and God Bless!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you, Francine. Your kindness means so much. We have so many friends here, it's a tragic shame it is with these circumstances of coping with our personal losses .Why is it that the tragedies of life are the ones to bring people together?  I'm going off to bed now also. I'm surprised my pillow has been holding up to all the tears. Maybe I should take that as a sign of hope? Hang in there, Francine, prayers and God are with us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Herc, That might be the secret to getting through this. All the love, care, compassion and understanding we gave to our beloveds, give it to ourselves and the rest of our family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It's funny you should mention it that way. I feel like as a society we are conditioned that loving ourselves, treating ourselves well, is somehow selfish. We are told that the only way to really be "good" is to give, to others. And all of us here did exactly that, we gave selflessly and fully to the ones we love. And I do believe that giving to others makes you good. It certainly feels amazing to give to someone who you love and who loves you. But maybe you're right, we also need to be good to ourselves. When our loved ones were still with us, we were being good to ourselves when we were bring good to them, it felt good. Maybe we do need to try to give ourselves the same love. It's hard because I think we are taught that loving ourselves is selfish so we shy away from it. We don't get much satisfaction from doing nice things for ourselves. Maybe we have to learn how to feel good about giving to ourselves...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Exactly. We will always love the one we lost. Because we are grieving and the toll it takes on our body, mind and spirit, we need to transfer what we were giving our partners back onto ourselves in order to see us through. Self-love is not selfish if done in a healthy, loving manner. Self-love gives us the ability to love others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

KMB,

I've been to that site but hadn't seen that article.  I'm going to print it out for my group.  Thank you for sharing that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, fzald said:

I ask myself why I had to be tested this way. Did I, or her, or someone else, do something wrong? We are taught as kids that if you do right, you get rewarded, but if you do wrong, you suffer consequences.

That's common  thinking but the truth is, we aren't being tested, we didn't do something wrong, no one "deserved" this, it just happened. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB, you are right, it's just so very humbling that we are taught, so brutally and harshly, that we really don't have any control, and that good people do not always get rewarded, as we're taught when we're kids.

She was a great person. She loved life, she was kind to everyone around her, and even when she was a little harsh as we all are sometimes, she was quick to apologize. She never liked to leave anything hanging, if we were upset at each other it was always "let's take 15 minutes and then talk." Leaving something unfixed was as hard for her as it was for me. This is one small gift now, because even though I wish I'd said I love you and expressed how I truly felt about her more, we did not separate with either of us having any hard feelings. She was excited to come back and spend time with me, she told me as such, in our last talk, that she looked forward to seeing me again. I was thankfully spared the agony that some have where their last conversation or comment was one from a position of anger. She genuinely was looking forward to seeing me again, and had plans all set for what we would do when we met up. 

But I digress. She didn't have control any more than I do now. If she had any control, she would not have died. It always is a little hard on me when someone is unconscious in the hospital and someone will say "that person is a fighter." Of course. My girlfriend was a true fighter. She fought tooth and nail for many things in life, including my love, both when we started dating and when we broke up for a couple of days. She fought hard for all of her accomplishments. Everything that she received (other than death) was well deserved. But her "fight" didn't do her any good in the end. Of course she was a fighter. If she'd had any conscious ability to do so, she'd have fought and fought and fought to not die. And who knows, maybe she did on some level. But again, she had no control in the end. Nature saw fit to take her from me, from the world, from everyone who loved her and who she loved. Some fights we win, some we lose. She lost a few fights in life, but always picked herself up and took the next logical step. Now, for the last time, she lost a fight. And the world lost with her. There is no more picking herself up and taking another step for her. 

I know somehow I need to do that for her. I just don't have the strength nor the will to do it just yet. I'm the guy who was just KO'ed, still stuck on the ground, unable to pull myself up yet. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KayC, your welcome. What I didn't see on that list is something that just about everyone here touches on, the negative thinking of giving up, checking ourselves out. It is a normal thought that is included in the grieving process. Maybe, for moral reasons, it was purposefully left out.

From other online reading, it does happen. People who are so devastated, feel so alone in their grieving, so desperate to be with their loved one, do self-terminate. Wherever our souls do go, I would think there to be consequences to atone for. Then there are those who don't self-terminate but die after a certain period of years due to the stress their body endures from the emotional impact.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

fzald, The instinctual will of survival is hard wired into us. We would not purposefully lay our hand on a stove burner because we know what is going to happen. A child would not know this unless they have already touched a hot burner. But, as adults, our logical mind already tells us that the burner is hot and we will get burned. We will survive our losses because the logical part of our brain will see that we do. The logic is at war with our emotional part of the brain. It depends on us as individuals, which part is going to win or will a medium ground be found.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think it's important to emphasize: suicidal thoughts are not necessarily bad, but suicidal intent or attempts are when the problems start. 

When my girlfriend died, I was ready to give up. I humbly admit I even looked up information on methods. But I don't believe I would have ever been able to go through with it. The knowledge that it was possible to end my life was more of a comfort than a motivator. My girl's life ended so suddenly and without any warning or doing on her part. I guess I just needed to "feel" that it was possible for me to go as quickly and easily as she did if I chose to.

And yes, sometimes I still wish I would die in my sleep. But wishing to die and attempting suicide are very different to me. Wishing to die for me is probably more along the lines of wishing to be back with my girl more than wishing to die. I don't want to do something to bring me back to her, but I might wish that nature would have mercy on me and bring me back to her on its own. Nature took her from me, this I know. So wanting to follow is just part of the grieving process. No different than wanting to win the lottery because your friend did by a random chance. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to call the suicide hotline or check yourself into the hospital. (But if you are making actual serious plans to try to hurt yourself, that's different, then you absolutely should call for help.)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
17 hours ago, KMB said:

What I didn't see on that list is something that just about everyone here touches on, the negative thinking of giving up, checking ourselves out.

Well it's not an exhaustive list but still it touched on a lot. That's the trouble with lists, we're bound to leave something out.  You're so right, I think that's a very common feeling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.