Members Mrs. Plummer Posted February 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 As my 29th wedding anniversary approaches (Monday Feb 20), I've been very sad - my counsellor calls it anticipatory grief. It's my first without Ken, and I'm going to release some balloons with a card tied to the strings, because ritual is helpful to me. Anything that any of you did to get through wedding anniversaries would also be appreciated. If I may just share some thoughts: It's made me think about how at weddings, we vow "From this day forward, until death do us part." On that happy occasion, even then, the specter of eventual loss is introduced (and whether we know it or not, that specter is there as soon as we love). Our priest, Father Bernard Moylan, used the words - and I've never forgotten them, never forgotten the young bride who felt a brief chill - "Until by death you are parted..." I'm thinking of a disturbing dream I had recently where Ken and I had been going to renew our vows, but he died. And then I wondered if it might not be possible to renew them anyhow, and that thought has stayed with me. I Googled "renewing vows to a deceased partner" and found nothing but material about widowed people remarrying, and I was surprised because every idea under the sun can be found on Google, right?. Amazing the thoughts you have or even embrace, that you might once have thought morbid or unhealthy or at least very very Goth But, seriously, is it possible/plausible to renew vows to a beloved partner who has gone into spirit or wherever you believe they've gone? Could I make vows to my Ken that are appropriate for the situation that is now? I've decided that I can and will do so, and intend to write something to read on Monday. It will take the form of adding a vow that is left out of the sickness/health richer/poorer better/worse part: "in life and in death." I'll vow to continue our bond, honour my darling's memory always, and particularly by living out the span of years left to me with as much grace and strength as possible, "from this day forward until my death do us reunite". And I might do it every year on my anniversary What God has joined together, let no cancer put asunder... It's an immensely tear-filled time, my friends...29 years ago, I was counting down not days anymore, but hours until my wedding... I will get through, because I promised Ken I know grief isn't a time for comparison, or embracing platitudes like "There is always somebody worse off" or starting sentences with "At least you had..." which of course is a big fat no-no in terms of what to say to people who are mourning. But, nearing my wedding anniversary, I've certainly reflected on people - and some of you will read this - who did not get 30 wonderful years with their partners, did not get to have children or any other things they might have been looking to do in the future. I will not be going on the ship cruise my love had been going to book for our anniversary before we found out he was terminal. Is that sad? Oh, God yes. But I did have so much more - things that I would never compare to not having a cruise. And I am grateful, and full of hugs for those whose sweethearts were taken much earlier... Louise xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted February 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 Mrs Plummer, I think your seemingly novel idea of continuing your vows in light of your loss is so touching and, I believe, absolutely appropriate. He was YOUR husband, only you know the depth of your love, what it means for you to grieve him, what you need to do to honor him. The balloon idea is lovely, I've thought of the "message in a bottle" idea myself. Something about the sea or an ocean being a universal metaphor for eternity, something draws me to that. I had 27 years (24 years, 5 months and 20 days of it married) and I, like you, am grateful for every second. We have a daughter, even an adopted daughter. But I wasn't finished. I think another 1000 years may have been good. I think your idea is beautiful and speaks to how deeply you feel for him. Bravo for you, it's lovely. comfort and peace, Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mrs. Plummer Posted February 18, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 I think the timelessness of the ocean is beautiful too, Andy. It reminds me of Jim Croce's song, Time in a Bottle, which we had at Ken's funeral. I think you've hit on the confounding thing for so many of us - whether it was 5 years or 45: We weren't done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ModHerc Posted February 18, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 I'm so sorry for everything you're going through Mrs. Plummer. I am already dreading the first anniversary I will spend alone. Valentine's Day was rough because of all the people so in love when my wounds were so fresh. It was like being alone in a sea of what I used to have. The anniversary will be so much worse because I know no one else will remember it. It will be a day that should have been shared love and changes to pure isolated grief and loneliness. I think your idea for renewing your vows is lovely. A beautiful way to turn that isolation into the promise of a future union, one that will never again be interrupted by this grief. Wishing you well during the next few days, I hope they pass quickly and with as much comfort as you can find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members His Monkey Posted February 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 Mrs. Plummer, please honor your husband in any way you want to...and don't give a thought to whether anyone else thinks it's appropriate. If you think it is, that's all that matters. My love was hospitalized the night before we were to be married and he never came home. I'd give anything to have an anniversary, but it was not to be for us. Please celebrate, remember, cry, scream, sing, renew your vows to him, wrap your hands and hit something really hard, whatever...it's yours! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted February 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 Mrs. Plummer, I'm sorry I don't know how to answer the question on getting through anniversaries; you see, my wedding anniversary of 45 years is soon approaching and I too will celebrating 'solo' and I'm not looking forward to it; not to my anniversary but to doing it solo. Whether we spend 5 or 50 years with the person we truly love, its never enough time. Honor your husband in a manner that will make him proud and know that although he may not be there with you in person, his love will always stay beside you and around you to protect you through this difficult time. Wishing you strength for today, and comfort in the days head (especially your anniversary) knowing how much your husband meant to you. Stay strong and God Bless us All! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 18, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 We all must deal with anniversaries the way that we see fit, it'll be different for all of us. Some do what they would have done with their spouse, alone, others choose to ignore the whole thing, some might choose to get plastered. Just understand that however we get through it requires courage and perseverance, something we feel short on, but we find it within ourselves somehow and muster through it. I wish you the best as you go through that day, I know it's one of contemplation however we choose to face it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted February 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 Mrs. Plummer, My loving thoughts will be with you. However you choose to honor that day will be done with much love, dignity, remembrance, commitment and pride. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted February 20, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 20, 2017 Ms. Plummer Just thinking of you today on your anniversary. I know its bitter sweet and I hope you get through it in one piece. I ran across the poem below and thought You might enjoy it. God Bless and keep you safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 20, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 20, 2017 Francine, that is so sweet of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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