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What do I do with this?


Stonesie

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I like to change my Facebook profile pic every couple days because I love to see pictures of Kevin.  Pictures of him bring me comfort.  

Both of my in-laws have expressed that this upsets them because it makes them cry.  

I don't know what to do with this.  Do I have to filter them out of every single picture of him that I have? How is it fair that I can't have pictures of my husband of 24 years, my love for 30, on my timeline?  Ugh.  

What's wrong with crying?  I seem to be doing quite a lot of it and from what I am told it actually helps you to heal.

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Stonesie, it's your choice. Their grief is theirs, and it's their responsibility to do what's best for them, like you're doing for yourself. If pictures make you feel better, I say post them! Anyone who doesn't want to see them can change their settings.  I feel it would be better if they'd just support you, but they're grieving too, and hopefully their feelings will change. I hope to never know the pain of losing a child, but it must be horrible for them, too. Maybe a gentle and short explanation of how the pictures make you feel would help them understand? 

In my opinion, anything you do right now to take care of yourself is ok. Please keep doing that. 

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I am so sorry you have to deal with this Stonesie.  My mother in-law and I have had some conflicts over as well and it is always difficult.  When it gets bad, I try to remember her and Christine together which usually will immediately calm things, they had a great relationship.  Then I ask myself if this is really an issue I can't bend on.  If I simply have to have it my way on the issue, I tell her as nicely as possible that while I respect her point of view, I need this, and give her my reasons.  In the end, we must manage our own grieving, not other peoples.  Take care of yourself first, because if you don't you won't be able to help care for others.

As a possible thought, if you wanted to look for a compromise, you could set up a new facebook page dedicated to your thoughts on him.  It would give you and others an outlet to go to when you want to think about him, and if your in-laws need space, they can stay away from there until they are comfortable.  I would say do this only if you want to though, don't let anything pressure you into something uncomfortable when it comes to the way you choose to remember him and find comfort.

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Stonsie, Do your own thing. Good suggestions were made by others here. We own our grieving. I occasionally still leave a note on the table for my husband when I leave the house. I would leave a note for him if I decided to run into town and he was off somewhere himself. It brings me comfort now to let him know where I've gone.One day when I came home, a friend had followed me in. They saw the note on the table and looked at me like I was nuts. I made the choice not to explain. I shouldn't have to explain. Everyone knows how close my husband and I were. Everyone knows I'm grieving. I don't owe anyone explanations.

Your in- laws are grieving in their own way, and they should be empathetic in how you choose to do yours. Prayers to you and your family.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Stonsie, Do your own thing. Good suggestions were made by others here. We own our grieving. I occasionally still leave a note on the table for my husband when I leave the house. I would leave a note for him if I decided to run into town and he was off somewhere himself. It brings me comfort now to let him know where I've gone.One day when I came home, a friend had followed me in. They saw the note on the table and looked at me like I was nuts. I made the choice not to explain. I shouldn't have to explain. Everyone knows how close my husband and I were. Everyone knows I'm grieving. I don't owe anyone explanations.

Your in- laws are grieving in their own way, and they should be empathetic in how you choose to do yours. Prayers to you and your family.

This is exactly why I still text my wife's phone. I know she isn't going to reply, but I still get to do things that were part of our life, it makes me feel better, and we need all of that we can get. I also understand your not explaining yourself. Most people wouldn't understand anyway. 

Andy

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Andy, you're not the only one still texting...I do, and I even sent one to the possible new owner of Greg's number to say I'm not actually crazy...just heartbroken. That's an explanation I felt I needed to give, but I haven't received a response. It makes me feel better somehow to check in with him, and tell him how I'm feeling. 

Last night I had a dream we were together, and I was so happy to see him but crying because I knew he wouldn't be able to stay. He didn't say anything, just smiled that same old way, putting me at ease no matter what I was carrying on about. My sweetheart, taking care of me like he always did. Now I know that feeling of sweet sadness the grief books talk about, and it feels a bit better. 

May we all have a moment like that today :)

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I write and talk to my girlfriend from time to time. I can't actually text her phone or send her Emails because I do know for a fact that her family, at least for now, still has access to all of those things. I still haven't been able to delete our conversation thread from my phone though, the last thing I said to her was "Are you OK?"

I still struggle with looking at our conversations. Maybe because it was so recent, but our conversations are a sharp reminder that she was real, she was here, alive, happy, talking to me, confiding in me, and her personality shines so well through in her messages even just in text. 

I have had a few dreams of her, but i haven't for a few days now. I had dreams of her wondering why everyone thought she was dead. I had one dream in which she was scared and terrified and holding onto me tightly. Since then I haven't had any more. 

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10 hours ago, Stonesie said:

I like to change my Facebook profile pic every couple days because I love to see pictures of Kevin.  Pictures of him bring me comfort.  

Both of my in-laws have expressed that this upsets them because it makes them cry.  

I don't know what to do with this.  Do I have to filter them out of every single picture of him that I have? How is it fair that I can't have pictures of my husband of 24 years, my love for 30, on my timeline?  Ugh.  

What's wrong with crying?  I seem to be doing quite a lot of it and from what I am told it actually helps you to heal.

 

You are strong and have a strong heart that you should be proud of; it has been stabbed, broken and torn apart, yet it still beats. After all, you shared an amazing 24 years with the man of your heart.   If pictures of Kevin makes you happy, it can't be that bad, if it makes you happy, then why the hell are they so sad.  When your happiness is someone else's happiness, than you know that is real love.  No one has the right to condemn you on how you repair your heart when you lost your most important person in your life; hold your head high, keep your heart strong and do what makes it easier for you to heal.   Stay Strong and God Bless!

 

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I posted a response but my electricity went out so I see it didn't save it.  
Stonesie,

Your facebook account is yours to do with how you will...that's why they have settings, they can view your page and get notifications from you...or not, according to what suits them.  You shouldn't have to alter how YOU are to fit with what is best for them, you should still be able to change the pictures around the way you desire to.

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4 hours ago, His Monkey said:

Andy, you're not the only one still texting...I do, and I even sent one to the possible new owner of Greg's number to say I'm not actually crazy...just heartbroken. That's an explanation I felt I needed to give, but I haven't received a response. It makes me feel better somehow to check in with him, and tell him how I'm feeling. 

Last night I had a dream we were together, and I was so happy to see him but crying because I knew he wouldn't be able to stay. He didn't say anything, just smiled that same old way, putting me at ease no matter what I was carrying on about. My sweetheart, taking care of me like he always did. Now I know that feeling of sweet sadness the grief books talk about, and it feels a bit better. 

May we all have a moment like that today :)

I still love talking to my Tracie. I believe she hears me, my words, thoughts, emotions. I've been crying a LOT this week. Today was another tough one. 

Our daughter has dreamt of my wife, my mother in law dreamed of her as has our adopted daughter, but I have only had two dreams. One, she was more of a "vague" impression and the other where she was very "visible". Neither dream left me with a firm idea of what they were about. It's another thing that makes me feel so horrible...why can't I dream about my wife? God, why? It's bad enough that I can't see her, touch her, hear her, but now I don't dream of her? I feel this ship drifting further and further away. 

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Andy, please don't despair. I just had my first dream of Greg and he's been gone three months already. Never thought I'd survive this long, but you do, one long and painful day at a time. Hang in there...we really don't have a choice. 

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14 minutes ago, His Monkey said:

Andy, please don't despair. I just had my first dream of Greg and he's been gone three months already. Never thought I'd survive this long, but you do, one long and painful day at a time. Hang in there...we really don't have a choice. 

I'm so sorry for your grief and the pain. I truly am. Despair is becoming more of a companion lately. My wife passed the last day of the year, and I can't believe how fast time has moved. I've been robbed of both my love and time. I'd love a dream. One, nice, coherent dream that I could recollect, maybe some simple "meaning" or just some words, from her mouth, in her voice. 

I'm surviving, but other than our daughter, I can't find a compelling reason why. I'm not self destructive, I'm simply not wired that way (I suppose wires could get crossed), but it's so difficult. 27 years, a future, plans of ours, ideas, all gone. I don't know where to go from here. What do I do? I don't have a "career" that I love, I don't have any great projects to finish, I have my daughter, but she's 20, she'll eventually move on, as it should be. Then what? 

I'm sorry. I'm having an especially difficult time right now. I'm venting and bemoaning my sorry state. I just want what I know I cannot have. Ever. 

Peace and comfort to you "His Monkey",

Andy

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Andy,

I have had the opposite experience. Time seems to drag. My girl passed only 3 weeks ago but it feels like it's been multiple eternities. I used to look at the clock and exclaim "How did it get so late!!!" (My girl often did that too) Now, I look at the clock at work and think "I've only been here 2 hours? It feels like I've worked 12 hours..." 

I have had a few dreams of her but I have not had anything comforting or coherent. I would love to just see her in a dream telling me she is happy and content and is waiting for me to come be with her when my time is up. So far I've only seen her either confused or in distress...

Its humbling just how much can be taken so quickly. My entire future was taken away in one day. All my hopes and dreams. The thing I find is that when I think about it, none of our "plans" were concrete, nothing was for sure, but one thing I believed is that we would see it through together. Even if the plans we had made for our future didn't work out like we'd wanted, we'd have still had each other and we would have adapted and grown together. Truth is I could still follow through on the plans we had that didn't depend on both of us, but I have no desire to...

Also having a hard day. Thanks for being there for me and responding to my posts.

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Stonesie, it is definitely up to you, mate. I always say that if our grieving hurts nobody or violates nobody else's rights, the choices we make to help ourselves are a-okay. Now, sometimes people may maintain that a choice we've made hurts them, and we'll ask - as you have - whether we need to capitulate to them or not. I agree with His Monkey, I think this is one circumstance in which your in-laws need to take responsibility for their feelings and not request that you stifle your strategies. You might find this article about grieving on social media helpful: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/04/grieving-in-public-tragedy-on-social-media/360788/  - and look, really, if it's an issue can't they just unfollow you for a little while? I hate to think of you being shamed.

Can I just say I love the things folks in this thread do to continue their bonds :) I must send my Ken a FB message, and I think little notes left behind for him are a wonderful strategy.

Andy, no need to apologise - I think so many of us relate to surviving for our kids or other important people, but really not being terribly enthusiastic about living. A woman posted a thread here recently about stockpiling her dying husband's medication in case she was unable to cope. I relate so intimately to that, and am not yet in a position to say  it gets easier or better. I did say to her that while we don't know how we'll cope, we just do, somehow. As I replied to her, I had a very dark thought, "But what for? So you can just wake up to another interminable day of feeling this?" I think I'm lucky that I actually do believe that this very deep pain won't be forever. I'm not self-destructive either, but feeling like life can take the span of years it's left us without our darlings and shove 'em up its ass is really normal.

Fzald, you've captured the loss of our futures really well...I'm so sorry.

 

 

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So difficult, each day is a herculean effort to do what used to be easy. I'd give anything for one more day with him, one more hour to tell him all the things I said during his week in the hospital and KNOW he hears me. The nurses said he did, but there was no sign of awareness, no goodbye, nothing. And I'll live out the rest of my days wondering if it was true. I feel we should give ourselves a lot of credit for soldiering on while carrying the weight of our loss and dark thoughts. Each day is an accomplishment, and I know my love is proud of me, wherever he is. 

Thank you all for being here. It's a comfort beyond anything else I do for myself to know I'm not alone. 

Lisa

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Mrs. Plummer, ---I so get your last sentence. At my age of 57 and healthy as far as I know, I'm looking at another 20 or 30 years without my husband. He never had the chance to enjoy his retirement years.  It will be 6 months later tonight for me. I'm tired of facing each day alone. It feels like an eternity has already gone by. I so feel that this life can go where the sun don't shine.

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3 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mrs. Plummer, ---I so get your last sentence. At my age of 57 and healthy as far as I know, I'm looking at another 20 or 30 years without my husband. He never had the chance to enjoy his retirement years.  It will be 6 months later tonight for me. I'm tired of facing each day alone. It feels like an eternity has already gone by. I so feel that this life can go where the sun don't shine.

Amen to that, my sister. This is a time for often being ordered to be grateful by grief-shamers who have no idea, but I'm not sure I'll ever be completely thankful for a long life without Ken in it. The thought is awful, and just at the moment, I hope I get taken out after my kids are sorted into happy, productive adulthoods. Six months tonight (((((hugs))))))) love. You were three and a half months in when I came onto this board two weeks into my own journey, and I so admire that you're here offering support to others xo

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Mrs. Plummer---It has not been easy by a long shot. Due to my 6 month mark, I'm honoring it with a bottle of wine tonight. So that the numbers on the clock are blurry and I can't really tell what time it is. I can count on one hand those people that would be affected if I left this life early than the 20 or 30 years I might have left. I don't see them on a daily basis like I did with my husband, so maybe they would have an easier time with their grieving.

I just read your posting to Christine. We really are in the same boat. I thought I was the only one sitting in my nightgown in the afternoon and needing a shower. I do clean up if I have to leave home, but when you live alone, that doesn't happen too often.

No, I'm not crazy, just having a bad night which will stretch through the weekend. I do try to bring support and encouragement into this forum, but I hope everyone understands about tonight. 

xoxo everyone

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12 minutes ago, KMB said:

Mrs. Plummer---It has not been easy by a long shot. Due to my 6 month mark, I'm honoring it with a bottle of wine tonight. So that the numbers on the clock are blurry and I can't really tell what time it is. I can count on one hand those people that would be affected if I left this life early than the 20 or 30 years I might have left. I don't see them on a daily basis like I did with my husband, so maybe they would have an easier time with their grieving.

I just read your posting to Christine. We really are in the same boat. I thought I was the only one sitting in my nightgown in the afternoon and needing a shower. I do clean up if I have to leave home, but when you live alone, that doesn't happen too often.

No, I'm not crazy, just having a bad night which will stretch through the weekend. I do try to bring support and encouragement into this forum, but I hope everyone understands about tonight. 

xoxo everyone

Enjoy that wine, KMB. I don't think there's a soul among us who won't understand. I have to watch my fondness for booze but would admit there are times I don't fight it, and I don't much care. We can be two boozy, pajama-wearing, scruffy-haired sisters in the same boat and anyone else who wants to come aboard is also welcome. :wub:

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I stay, KMB, because I have somehow intuited that if I took myself out, I would not be rewarded by reunion with Ken, but by having to face the consequences of the carnage I'd leave behind. I also refuse to let cancer cause any more pain than it has - it can go straight to hell. I surely do understand thinking about it though, and it;s good to have a place to talk without being judged as selfish, or needing to be committed.

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Mrs. Plummer, I couldn't agree more. That evil heartless b!+@# cancer can go straight to hell.  I recall thinking the same the night I flushed $20,000.00 of cutting-edge cancer medicine down the drain after my sweet man died. A lot of good it did us. Such a despicable disease, may there be a cure soon. 

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4 minutes ago, His Monkey said:

Mrs. Plummer, I couldn't agree more. That evil heartless b!+@# cancer can go straight to hell.  I recall thinking the same the night I flushed $20,000.00 of cutting-edge cancer medicine down the drain after my sweet man died. A lot of good it did us. Such a despicable disease, may there be a cure soon. 

Totally, Lisa - I am so angry at that vicious bastard of a disease - if it appeared before me in human form....what I would do isn't fit to be repeated in polite company. I binned all the appointment sheets we had leftover from Ken's agonising and ultimately worthless treatments.

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All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR ALL OF YOU.  You validated how I am feeling and understand in a way that is only possible from people in my same boat.  My father in law did come back and post that I should do what is right for me.  Which was nice.  Really the issue is with my mother in law.  Who I love.  But she has been difficult with all this.

The dreaming thing...I have nightmares.  I had one that was a replay of the actual event of arguing with a brain surgeon because he didn't feel that going in and stopping the bleeding was "worth it".  That was awful.  What an asshat that guy was.  He did agree to do the surgery but wasted precious time arguing with me and being convinced by the surgeon at the cancer center...

I had one or two dreams that were nice - like things were normal, that none of this happened...of course then I wake up.

Love to you all.

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10 hours ago, KMB said:

Due to my 6 month mark, I'm honoring it with a bottle of wine tonight

I missed it!  Well, have a glass for me, even if it's late...I have a bad liver so can't have it myself. :)

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I love seeing how all of your anger/venting is coming out even in humorous ways.  I know it's a mixed bag, part of you is kidding, but the other part means it!

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I made it through the night. I only had 2 small juice glasses of wine. Now, to get through another weekend.

11 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

I stay, KMB, because I have somehow intuited that if I took myself out, I would not be rewarded by reunion with Ken, but by having to face the consequences of the carnage I'd leave behind. I also refuse to let cancer cause any more pain than it has - it can go straight to hell. I surely do understand thinking about it though, and it;s good to have a place to talk without being judged as selfish, or needing to be committed.

I stay here because of the pets. They are on the elderly side. Sometimes I have wondered if Divine Intervention had a hand on when my husband left. He was my priority and the pets were 2nd. My husband would want me to keep caring for them and living the life out here that we enjoyed.But, even with the pets for company, it is so very lonely without him.

 

12 hours ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

Enjoy that wine, KMB. I don't think there's a soul among us who won't understand. I have to watch my fondness for booze but would admit there are times I don't fight it, and I don't much care. We can be two boozy, pajama-wearing, scruffy-haired sisters in the same boat and anyone else who wants to come aboard is also welcome. :wub:

Thank you for that. I think that God would understand our human frailties. My husband was 12 years older than I. I used to tease him that some men choose younger women so they would have someone strong enough to take care of them when they get older. It turned out to be so true in my case. I would do it all over again.There is also the stats that women outlive their husbands by 5 years. I used to joke about that with my husband also. Nothing is funny anymore. This reality hurts so much.

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KMB,

Hope you're having a better day today.  Just got a skiff of slushy snow, thought of you...more is on it's way starting Tuesday.  :angry:

My dog is nine, his breed's life expectancy is 9 (Golden Retriever) or 12 (Siberian Husky), so I know his time is coming, can't ber to think of that.  And Kitty is nearly 21.  Don't have a clue how I'll get through it when they die.  Can't think about it.

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Hi KayC, I'm hanging in there. I managed my first walk yesterday afternoon and will do it again today. Going down the road west of the house, where the sun has access, the ice and hard pack have melted. The dog and I got some exercise and fresh air. There will be rain here at the beginning of the week. By the weekend, it's back to cold temps and a mix of rain/snow. Getting outside now has been a small salvation.

Neither of us want to deal with our pets leaving us. I hope it doesn't happen too soon. When it does though, I hope they are capable of being with my husband. Someday, we will be our own little family again.

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Good for you!  Hearing Herc speak of taking time for himself was positive and I hope it spreads.  I had snow this morning and will get more Tuesday through the end of the week, I hope not a lot though. Shoveling may be good exercise but it's strenuous too, and I'd rather have it in stretches I can handle comfortably.

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KayC---Me too (shoveling and snow). Yes, Herc's posting---so much inner courage with his reflections and willingness in putting his thoughts out there for all to see. I was getting teary-eyed reading and re-reading. Herc, you have made a commitment to your grieving journey. You will get through this and your wife will be right there beside you.

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KMB and KayC,

Thank you both, I'm glad you both got something positive from it.  It felt right, good and sad at the same time, which is probably how I will most of my life now, and that's ok.  At least it is better than the perpetual sadness I was mired in.  Today wasn't as good, but it wasn't as bad as the days before either.  Focusing on the positive, two steps forward and one step back is still progress.

Give your pets lots of love for me. I have three cats now I guess, although with cats it is so much more who they pick, rather than who "owns" them.  One of them, Pokey, is very old, almost 18.  She was Christine's before we even met.  She has to take thyroid medication, which Christine used to take care of, but now it is my responsibility.

I know she won't last much longer, and losing that part of Christine will be another blow.  Don't get me wrong, I care for her too, but she was Christine's baby.  When she goes, I plan on scattering her ashes at Christine's grave.  While sad, it will be nice for them to be together, which I hope will help me through that additional loss.

I know both of you will have grief when your pets go, but maybe they will head to our loved ones to let them know we too will join them one day.

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