Daily routines

[ModHerc]

I mentioned a routine I have that have helped me in this horrible process, taking care of the pets on a set schedule.  There are other routines I use as well, getting the mail at the same time every night and talking to my daughter either in person or on the phone as I sort through it.  Stopping at the same gas station every morning for a cup of coffee, the owners and employees knew me and my wife by first name, so there is compassion with my caffeine, which is a nice way to start the day.  For me routines put a little order to the chaos.

I have found that while I am going through these routines I can organize my thoughts a bit, plan a little about what I need to do in the immediate future, and if I am having a bad moment and don't want to use that moment to embrace my grief I can zone out and just focus on the motions.  I don't do this all the time, I have been embracing my emotions and allowing myself to feel the full depth of my grief, but I like occasionally being able to pick the moments to do so.  Usually if I zone out to get through it, I will go somewhere special to us after so that I can embrace the grief there.  That's probably a part of my control freak nature, but I will take anything that helps at this point.

One routine is really bothering me though.  It is a routine from before that has changed into a new routine now.  Every night when I left work I would call Christine and ask her what she wanted to do for dinner, or if she needed me to pick anything up on the way home.  We would talk for about 15 minutes about how our day went, and she would usually have somewhere she wanted me to stop.  Pick up a diet coke from McDonald's (she was convinced diet coke tasted better from McDonald's than anywhere else), some Hawaiian punch in case she got a low blood sugar, or some drive through because she didn't feel like cooking at home.

When I leave work now, I find myself fumbling for keys, or holding my phone for ten minutes just sitting in the car and starring out the windshield.  It is a daily trigger of something very close to the shock that I felt in the first few days.  The ride home is then a roller-coaster of grief.  The anger hits and combines with my normal road rage making me a way overly aggressive driver.  The depression of walking into an empty house again crushes me.  I turn the radio to her favorite station and sing along to her favorite songs while tears run down my cheeks like rivers.  Every store I pass on the way is another reminder.  I got that great Chicken Alfredo for Christine from that restaurant, I used to stop and get her cheap scarves from that store as presents, there's the building where she used to work which was a huge part of her life.

I think having moments like that, even on a daily basis, is a good thing.  I need to cry and get those emotions out.  I need to grieve and let myself feel the awesome pain of this experience.  I wouldn't want to change it, except I am worried about being behind the wheel while it is going on.  While I can't wait to join Christine, I don't have plans to do so anytime soon.  I also certainly don't want to be a danger to anyone else on the road.  Heck, even a fender bender right now would be one more problem to deal with that I don't wan't or need.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with that last routine, or any other thoughts on routines over all?  What to do if you are behind the wheel when a grief attack happens?  Any routines you have that have helped you?

[KMB]

Herc,  I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say. Words are sometimes useless. Either the 2nd or 3rd week after my husband passed, I was driving home and I had been stuffing the emotions back due to wherever I had just been. My eyes wouldn't focus and I was getting light-headed. Lack of sleep and all the pressures of those early days. I had to pull over to the side of the road and just let it all out. I had come close to hitting another car around a curve. It would have been so easy to let an accident happen. A fast, easy route to be with my husband.But, with my luck, I would have totaled the car my husband had just bought me the previous summer. I might have ended up crippled and dealing with a different life altogether. It clearly wasn't my time yet.

Routines. Our used to be daily existence. All are triggers. I push myself to meet them head on. For some, I've worked on developing a different one. Others I stay with because of the comfort they bring and they are tolerable. At some point, the memories won't always be painful. At some point, I want to be able to embrace every place we had been to and all the memories. Some routines are actually an honor to my husband that I am able to keep alive.

Herc, from my side, I guess it is an individual deal. How much you are able to cope with. Maybe changing your route back and forth from work, if possible?

[fzald]

Herc, 

I really do hope you are right, that living the memories and the pain daily will actually help push the grieving along. I have so far been avoiding most of the places we shared, but I have dared to go to a few places. At one restaurant I found myself constantly expecting her to walk in and sit down with me. Even though I know on a logical level that she can never come back, I still expect her to somehow. I also get what you mean about the little things, I still so clearly remember my girlfriend's favorite foods at different places. I could suggest a place to eat, she'd say "Yeah! Get my usual." And I knew exactly what she meant. She also knew my usual and could order for me as well without me having to tell her what I wanted, unless I was in the mood for something particularly unusual. But I do have moments constantly, like "She liked the macaroni and cheese from that place". It's just so hard, so empty feeling.

I always liked variety even when she was here. I took a different route every day just because, why not? So I'm finding that just changing up my route isn't really helping. But if you tended to always take the same route, changing up the route a little may help. 

But I also hope you're right like I said, that visiting places on purpose and feeling the grief is a good idea. It's so hard, and it's so easy to just avoid it, but maybe it is true that I need to start doing it at least little by little. Just to go places and be sad if needed. 

When I talk to my friends about her, it's almost like she's still here. It is almost like me talking about her is keeping her alive. And maybe it is, maybe in spirit, me talking about her so much is keeping her present with us in a way. But I still am starting to truly face the reality that she is gone for good, forever, even though I can't seem to really internalize it. Sometimes a good long talk about her actually makes me feel somewhat OK for a while, but I always come crashing right back down, hard.

I guess it's true, everyone grieves differently. I just wish I knew how I grieve, what would work best for me to move forward through the process. I fear getting stuck at some point and just falling apart...

 

[ModHerc]

Thank you KMB.  I haven't come that close to an accident, but I'm trying to prevent putting myself in that position.  Thank you for the thoughts on it, I'll try a different route, but I have been driving these roads home for 15 years, so it is doubtful I will find one that doesn't remind me of something.  One of the real kicks in the head is there are 2 major roads.  One takes me right by her old work building which has a lot of old memories.  The other right by the cemetery.  Kind of a pick your poison moment there.  Hugs for the help, and I hope your routines bring you comfort.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Herc said:

For me routines put a little order to the chaos.

That's such a great observance!  It's a good point to make and I think it's helped me also although I'm not sure I ever consciously thought about it one way or another.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Herc said:

What to do if you are behind the wheel when a grief attack happens?

I lost my job after George died, it was the beginning of the recession and no jobs to be had locally.  My next job was 50 miles away and as my grief was still fresh, I often found those long lonely miles a time when my thoughts would go to him and I'd find myself crying.  If I felt I was reaching the point where I couldn't see through my tears, I'd pull over and get the crying out before proceeding home.  Sometimes I'd stop at a campground and walk around on my way home, it was closed for camping but I could still walk in down by the water...I've always found water (ocean, rivers, waterfalls) to be calming.

[ModHerc]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

That's such a great observance!  It's a good point to make and I think it's helped me also although I'm not sure I ever consciously thought about it one way or another.

Thanks KayC!  I have read several of the links you posted.  The one on the guilt of not being there at the moment of your loved ones passing particularly touched me.  It lead me to look up this, http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/rituals-and-routines-help-mourning

I liked it, and thought you might as well.  Give your dog a big hug from me please, he looks like he might appreciate it.

[KayC]

I have read that article before, I agree, it does help to have the rituals in our mourning.