Alone

[Artomix]

I feel as if I should've gotten over the losses in my family by now, but it seems like it's just a shadow that follows me everywhere. Back in 8th grade my dad passed away due to health issues, and even before that I never really knew him because he had health issues for as long as I could remember and he was in a lot of pain so he wasn't in his right mind. I've never known him, all I've known is the anger that resulted from his pain. Later in my sophomore year of  high school my oldest brother committed suicide and left his wife and 2 young daughters. I'm the youngest of my family, all my brothers have moved out but me so it's just my mom and I at home... She had to take over my dad's business when he died, and I can only imagine the pain and stress she's gone through. I feel as if I am carrying a boulder on my shoulders wherever I go, it hangs over me like a dark shadow. I'm constantly depressed, though I never knew I was depressed until recently, because I've just always felt that way. There's no one to hear me out, I don't have any "true" friends that I could talk to, I've known what friends I have since elementary school but I've never told them anything about what happened. I guess that's why I just came to this forum. I just lack any motivation whatsoever, I'm a junior in high school right now and it's just hard to focus on school, I still get A's and B's but last semester I had 3 B's out of 6 and when my mom got the grades I could tell she was disappointed that I didn't do better... I feel as if my whole life has been a failure. It's not uncommon for suicide to cross my mind, but I'd never do that to my mother. My life is just going to school, coming home and doing homework at 7 o clock at night, going out to eat alone at some place, and then going to bed. I just really don't have anyone. It sucks when there's no one you can talk to, no one that has your back, no one that really cares about you, and it all just drives me insane. It's a struggle just getting out of bed knowing there's nothing to look forward to, because there's nothing good that happens anymore. I wish on a daily basis that someone will just crash into me at 90 mph and kill me so that I can die and not be responsible for it. No one really understands why I am the way I am, rather they just think that I am weird. I'm sorry if it seems that I just want attention or people to feel bad for me, it's just that I can't take life anymore.

 

[reader]

Dear  Artomix,

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling and for all your pain and sorrow. I know you've been through a lot of loss. And you are so young. Its very difficult. And hard to understand. I'm probably at least twice your age and I know losing my father has been one of the toughest experiences of my life. Life is tough and so unfair. We all need help working through these raw emotions.

You are not alone. We are all here to support you in anyway we can. I know its hard, but please consider speaking with a grief counselor or joining a support group. I hope there is a trusted adult or someone at school that can help you. Or try to access any community resources that will help you work through these feelings.

Thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I hope you will continue to posts and let us know how are you doing. Please take care of yourself. Please do not give up and try your best to carry on. I know it feels impossible right now, but I believe in you.