My heart is still hurting

[lyla]

Hi all,

I've been lurking for about a week and really just feel like I needed to get my own story out so that I could connect with people who'd understand what I'm going through.

My fiance passed away from pneumonia 7 years ago this March. At the time, he was 38 and I was 23. It was completely unexpected. He'd been sick for only a few days and suddenly collapsed in the middle of the night. I was there. I was the one who called for an ambulance. I was the one who gave him CPR. I was the one who heard his last words.

My entire world caved in when he passed. We'd been together for 3 years and had gotten engaged a month earlier on Valentine's Day. He was my best friend and my everything.

The first year without him was a complete fog. It just felt like living in a bubble. I was completely broken.

Eventually I ended up moving to another city for work and even though I never got over his passing (do we ever?), I guess I found new ways to cope.

I started a new relationship 3 years after he passed with the man I'm currently with. 

I've been with this new man for 4 years now and it really is a healthy and happy relationship. I love him and he's my saviour, in a way. But right around this time of year (February/March), I find myself back inside a dark cloud. Valentine's Day reminds me of when my late fiance and I got engaged. March is the anniversary of his passing. I'm consumed with waves of guilt over letting myself be happy with another man and am pretty much shut off from everyone for a 2 month period. (My current partner is so supportive and sensitive to my feelings during this time. I swear I don't deserve him.)

It's confusing to love two men so much at the same time. My current partner gives me life and makes me laugh and is someone I don't want to be without. But I never fell out of love with my fiance and I miss him so much that my heart aches and I still cry over losing him.

This time of year just doesn't seem to get any easier and I'm starting to think it never will. Sorry if this was such a long read for a first post. I just needed to get my grief and feelings out there.

[fzald]

Lyla, 

One thing that makes grieving the death of a partner unique is that you do never stop loving that person. No matter if you meet someone new, even if you love the new person fully, you will always maintain a part of your heart for your lost lover.

It is truly a gift that your partner accepts and supports you when you have moments of grief. It can be really hard for someone who has not experienced this kind of loss to accept that someone will always have a part in their heart for a love lost to death. It is different than a breakup. You do not "get over" the person or "move on" as you might do in a breakup. You continue to love and cherish your relationship, even long after it has prematurely ended.

Do you do anything special to celebrate your old fiancée during this time? 

 

[KMB]

lyla---I'm so sorry. When we lose someone, they stay in our hearts forever. We learn to live with that loss. The fiance you lost, he wants you to remember him with love. He would also want you to live your life and find love again, which you have. Maybe he even had a hand with bringing you your current love. We are not meant to be alone in this world without love. I feel it is a large part of why we are here. To experience love and to share it. We love our parents, our siblings, other relatives and friends. Love is what makes life tolerable here. February and March most likely will always be an emotional trigger for you. Embrace the emotions for they will keep you connected to the one you lost. You are blessed with your current love that he is supportive of you during this time. That leaves me feeling strongly that your lost love approves this current love.

Prayers of peace to you.

[Francine]

 

Lyla,

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.   Losing a loved one changes your entire life, especially when the loved one was also your best friend.  A wound heals over time, emotional pain heals eventually, too.  Not to say you won't have scars, but you can certainly live on. Many people experience great loss and, after a time, still find a way to live rich, full, and meaningful lives — as you are doing.

3 hours ago, lyla said:

It's confusing to love two men so much at the same time. My current partner gives me life and makes me laugh and is someone I don't want to be without. But I never fell out of love with my fiance and I miss him so much that my heart aches and I still cry over losing him.

You loved your fiance enough to be with him until the end. You will remember him and he will always be a part of you. Take comfort in knowing that memories of him will always be in your mind to recall whenever you want to. Sometimes we have to appreciate what still remains and look forward to whats coming next.  Life is like riding a bike, to keep your balance, you must keep moving;  it's OK to look back and think of those fond memories, but just keep moving forward.   

I think it is quite possible to love two men when they both made you happy.  Love is not who you can see yourself with, it is who you can't see yourself without.  Your new love appears to have been that sunshine you needed during some really dark days.   Happiness often sneaks into a door you didn't think was open. Do more of what makes you happy. Life is too short not to be happy so make the most of the simplest moments; look at the beauty in your life and know you are bless.

.Wishing you the best life has to offer. God bless and keep you safe. 

        

[KayC]

Lyla,

When we lose our partner to death it's different than divorce.  We didn't have finished business, we didn't want them to leave, we planned on forever, and we still love them.  Nothing will ever change that.  They didn't cheat on us, beat on us, or otherwise cause us to stop loving them, they just died.   I think we'll always grieve them as long as we live.  Oh we can adjust to life without them, we can even, as you've discovered, start another relationship, but those relationships coexist with us just as our grief does, it just is how it is.  You are fortunate to be with someone who understands that.  It sounds like he has a healthy sense of self, he doesn't get jealous or bent out of shape because you still love someone, and that's good because your relationship is never going away...it doesn't when it's by death.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[fzald]

A lot of grief stuff I've been reading about loss to death says the same, KayC. That while in the past it was said that you would "move on" from your loved one, in reality, a healthier way to grieve may be to consider that your relationship with the one you lost doesn't actually end. It's not like a breakup or divorce, where you have to "stop loving them". It's not like one of those unhealthy relationship scenarios where someone keeps going back to someone who repeatedly abuses them. In our situations, we were happily in love with the person who left. Trying to make yourself "stop loving them" is really to deny the love you did have, because that love has no reason to end (e.g. bad actions).

One thing that is of course hard, when it comes to dating again, is finding a person who can accept that you will always have a love for, and place in your heart for, the one who died. My friend, who lost her husband 13 years ago to cancer, tells me that she has found it very hard to find someone who can accept that fact. It has destroyed a few relationships she feels may have gone better had it not been for this sad fact. People seem to tend to be jealous and possessive, and the idea that you will continue to love someone else, but still may be able to give love to a new person, is a strange concept to someone who has not lost someone this way.

Maybe there is hope for some of us to find new love, but right now, I myself still can't see it. It's too early for me. Even if I tried to date someone, someone who was 100% understanding, I would simply be comparing her and my girlfriend every step of the way, and focusing on what the new person doesn't have that my girlfriend did (and I'd probably say that's just about everything...) 

I did read through a pretty extensive blog written by a widow who's husband passed away suddenly; she actually did find a new relationship after only 6 months and was remarried in a couple of years. She also felt like there was no hope to find new love. I still don't see it for me. I'm thinking "good for you, you found someone else to make you happy and you're able to give to them fully; I can't do it. Not now."

The sad fact is that all of us on this board now share in common the fact that our relationships ended in one of the most tragic ways possible. We will never ever forget the one we loved. We will always hold a place for them in our hearts. Even if some of us do manage to find new relationships, we will always have rough times and rough days. Hopefully those of us who do find someone new can find someone who will accept this and ride the waves with us rather than becoming jealous...

[ModHerc]

Before I met my wife, I had sworn off love.  I'd had several relationships that had ended badly.  A fiancé that left me and pretty much ruined me financially.  A high school love that was off again, on again, and when I finally decided to commit left me for another guy.  An addict that I thought I could fix, but who picked her addiction over what I could offer.  A few other semi serious flings that didn't work out as well.  I had told myself, to my core, never again.

The night I met Christine, I told her I couldn't give her anything more than that night, and I meant it.  12 years later I find that every moment of my remaining life has been changed by that one night.  I don't know what my future holds, except for my eternal love for her.

I am nowhere near ready for any sort of relationship at the moment.  Because of Christine I know you have to love yourself before you can truly love another, and with the guilt and grief, I am not at that place now.  However, also thanks to Christine, I know never to say never.

Lyla, I think your first love would want nothing more than the possibility that you could find happiness with another, just as your second knows how enduring your love for him will be because he sees how you honor your first.  I am so happy you have not just one, but two, true loves.  It is incredibly rare, but those of us who are going through this painful time should allow ourselves the hope of being as fortunate, and caring as you have proven to be.

[Myghostdance]

I so appreciate you writing this down. My boyfriend was just in a car accident and I'm just not sure I will ever "get over it". People keep saying I will find someone else and it pisses me off. Even if I do find someone else, I will continue loving him. I was 23 and he was 38 when we met. We were together for 2 years and had discussed getting married and having a child when we were more financially stable. He had two children from a previous marriage and I love them like they were my own. Im worried that if I find someone:     1)the kids will think I didn't love their dad. 2)they aren't important to me anymore 3) that I would be replacing the love of my life. 

 

[KMB]

Myghostdance, I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry his 2 children have to cope with his loss as well. No, we never *get over it*. It is a long road in learning how to live with loss.

Right now, I wouldn't think about the future. It's overwhelming enough just to get through the current day. Take your time. Take care of yourself and the children. There are no rules to our grieving. No time frame. It is your own journey. People do make insensitive comments. They don't understand your feelings and might not know the right things to say or do to help you. For the most part, people have a good heart but don't stop and think before speaking. People should just give hugs instead. That human touch can mean more than anything than words.

[KayC]

KMB pretty much took the words right out of my mouth!

[Francine]

Myghostdance,

I am sorry for your loss and the insensitive things some people say.  There is no way you can fully express the pain of losing a loved one.  There is no way you can make others understand the pain you have endured.  All you can do is deal with things the best you can and hope that those who are close to you, your friends and family will support you through the toughest time of your life.

The reality is you will grieve forever.  You will not get over him; you will learn to live it with it; you may heal and rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You just might be whole again (if that makes sense) but you will never be the same; nor should you be; nor should you want to be.

Hold on to the love, not the loss.  Some  people touch our lives only briefly, while others leave a lasting impression and are never forgotten.  God did not promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  Be strong for the children for they need you more than ever now.  Have courage, God never leaves us alone in the challenges we face.  

I know there is nothing I can say to take away your hurt, but know you have this website to come to whenever you need to just vent, cry or talk.  We are on this journey together and will be here for you when you need us.  God has you in his arms and we have you in our hearts.  God Bless and keep you safe.