Heavy guilt

[Lynn452]

It's been 2 days since my gorgeous loving cat took his last breath. He was nearly 12, and was a companion to my 3 children, but it was my daughter who considered him hers. From the age of 6 she has fed him every day, groomed him, slept with him, made toys with him and treated him as a human best friend. He would sit outside the bathroom door while she took a shower, he would watch her from the window when she left for school and he'd sit there till she came back. My other children loved him too but they didn't have the bond that she had. 

In September my daughter went to Uni, the wrench for her was leaving the cat, and in fact she drove back most weekends to see him. We had to do video calls for her so she could talk to him still! During this time I became his mum and we all tried to help him with his loss of my daughter not being there. He had started acting odd, searching the house, sleeping in odd places, having accidents which he'd only ever done before after being stressed from the cattery visits, so we assumed it was stress of missing my daughter. Then he started sicking up small frothy puddles in every morning. Online forums all said this was stomache acid so we treated for this and made sure he had night snacks. The sickness came and went but got more in volume but he was still acting normally in all other areas, but I had a feeling it was serious. I didn't have pet insurance so got that sorted but had to wait for intro period of two weeks. During these weeks he got worse, sicking during the day and had diarrhoea, then he stopped eating and I knew I couldnt wait even though he would not be covered on insurance. I took him to the vets where they prescribed anti sickness and tests, the vets bills was over £800 for tests and everything came back clear but he was no better. Another £200 for a scan was the last test which showed thickening of intestines, so they concluded it was lymphoma. They put him on predisolone and he had a few weeks of being well and gorgeous again. But people on a forum were telling me not to give up, to get biopsys done and get chemo drugs. My husband had said no, due to expense, but I spent weeks researching online and changing vets to try to get this chemo drug for him. One day kitty developed a runny green nose, antibiotics did nothing and we assumed it was viral, so did all the home treatments like steamy rooms, cleaning his nose decongestants in water near him etc. But he wouldn't eat, anything. Vet said he couldn't smell so woundnt eat. I syringe fed him every three hours from that point on, this lasted for 10 days. His thick green mucas continued to flow and he couldn't swallow due to the thickness of it, his weight plummeted and he hid all day. The vet said they couldn't do anything more to help him. Completely in denial I would not accept that a cold was going to kill him and pleaded for them to suck it out or give him fluids but they suggested we should end his suffering as he wouldn't get over this cold. As he curled up in a ball with his mouth open to breath my heart broke as I agreed, I stayed with him while he yelled in pain at the injection, then made three  seal like barks noises while rasping for breath, for me this was not as peaceful as I was led to believe. 

My daughter is away at uni on her own and inconsolable, my teenage boys are quiet and depressed and I haven't stopped crying. My pillow is soaked, my eyes are like slits, this unbearable pain is like nothing I've felt before. 

If I got him to the vets earlier would it be any different? I don't think so, but I deeply regret that his last 10 days were not eating, feeling ill, being force fed and pilled. I feel that I purposefully prolonged his life and therefore his distress, if I left him he would have died weeks ago which would have been natural. For this I cannot forgive myself. My husband kept telling me I was forcing him to live but I didn't listen, I just wanted him to get over the cold so he would eat again. I've never felt so bad, I just want to crawl in that grave with him and suffer like he had to, like I made him. I don't know how I'm going to function without him.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat, and for how your kids are feeling.  This sounds very much like how my King George went...for him it was cancer.  The emergency vet treated him for sinus infection, but it wasn't, when he got into my regular vet, it was cancer diagnosis.  He'd lost a lot of weight.  My vet told me to imagine the worst head cold I'd ever had and multiply it by 1,000 and that was how he was feeling, so I had him put to sleep.  No matter what we did, it didn't help.

I am amazed he continued living even though he was ravaged with cancer and clearly miserable.  He still purred when I touched him.  It was heartbreaking.  But maybe his will to live factored in too.

I say this to let you know that maybe, just maybe, your cat lived because he wanted to, in spite of what he was going through.  I know I felt terrible about my cat's suffering, had I known I would have put him to sleep a month sooner, but the incorrect diagnosis threw me off.  I had his medicine renewed, still it did no good.  While I will always feel bad that he suffered like he did, the memories of his purring at the slightest touch, even in his suffering, it breaks my heart but in a touching way.

It takes much time to adjust to such a loss.  George was my greeter, and no cat I've had before or since was like him.  He, like yours, was the family cat, the one the kids grew up with, he lived to be 19.

[KMB]

Lynn452---My heart breaks for you. i am sorry about the loss of your family cat, your daughter's best friend. It is so painful when we lose a furry friend. You did the best you could with the resources available to you. You were living in the present moment with the information provided. You could not have done anything more and should not feel guilty. So, please forgive yourself. You were doing everything you were capable of. We are only human. Your cat is in Heaven now. Perfectly healthy and happy, in a place of sunshine, green grass, able to play and do cat things. He'll remember you with much love, the life he was blessed with in your home. You and your family will grieve for him, but eventually you'll remember him with smiles and love. My prayers of comfort to you and yours.