Valentine's Day

[B7176]

Happy Valentine's Day! It's 0535am here in Los Angeles. I didn't sleep well but I made it to work. I erased my social media accounts to avoid seeing all the Valentine's Day festivities. I'm jealous. What did I do to deserve this? When I got to the parking lot I had a melt down. Then I noticed something under the passenger seat. It was one of his cigars. I have no idea how it got there. It must have fell out of his pocket because there's no smoking in my car. It's weird because I got a car wash the day of his funeral last month. Why didn't the car wash vacuum that? I want to believe it was a sign from him. I immediately stopped crying. I think it gave me a little comfort. I wonder is he really watching me. I hope you guys find comfort today. Stay strong and be kind! God Bless you all! 

[KayC]

You were smart...I went on FB and the first thing I was hit with was couples giving/getting flowers from each other.  I posted a picture of my dog (it's his 9th birthday), my Valentine.

I was wondering if someone was going to open the elephant in the room...thanks for getting past that.

I'm glad you got a sign from him.  I think they do watch over us!

[Sadaf Nazim]

Today was the toughest day for me. It's valentine's and it's also 3 month mark of my love's funeral. I cried lots today.. Unlike any other day before. I just miss him so much. I don't know what to say. 

I am sorry B7176. 

KayC, your Dog is really handsome. 

[ModHerc]

I started the day off leaving a Valentine's day card for my daughter on our kitchen table.  It was rough picking it out in the store, but Christine gave her cards on every holiday so I felt I had to do something.  As I was driving in to work, I realized I had put on the same shirt that I wore on our last date together.  We went to see Wicked at the Kennedy center on December 20th.  I remember how happy she was, and how much she enjoyed the show.  I probably put the shirt on subconsciously, but the thought that she picked it out for me on this day has also run through my head and given me some comfort, so I understand what you mean B7176.  

[B7176]

KayC, 

I love your dog! He's so cute! 

Sadif,

I'm sorry today was hard. I feel your pain. I miss my boyfriend so much. Most of all, I miss him being a father to our son. I hope you feel better. Hang in there friend!

Herc,

It feels good to know that im not the only one thinking like this. I'm glad you found some comfort today. I think it's awesome that you give your daughter a card every holiday. Keep up the good work! Stay strong!

[HHFaith]

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone in this group.  Though we don't have our special, favorite Valentines here with us physically, I hope we can all find some comfort in other "Valentines" in our lives. For me it's my daughter.  Though she's 3000 miles away, out in LA at school (I'm in Boston), we've already spoken and Facetimed 3 times today, so far.  She has really stepped up through this tragedy and has been there for me.  I am so grateful.

I am not looking at Facebook today either.  I'm just taking it easy, at home today, don't want to make any plans.  I'm thinking about the plans we had for tonight - dinner at a special restaurant, where we spent last Valentines.  I can honestly say that was the very best Valentines Day of my entire life.  Was hoping for a repeat this year.  Could never have imagined I'd be in this situation instead.  Missing him so much today (and every day).  But there is a sort of strange feeling of calm today, even though I have cried a lot.  Maybe I'm feeling his presence more today than usual??  

Right now I'm looking at the card he gave me last Valentines Day.  It says, "We keep people in our hearts because it is safe there and full of love.  You are in my heart."  I know Pat is in my heart forever.

[Andy]

I left work early to go to her grave and talk. I'll be going in about 20 minutes. I want to go, I need to go, but I don't want to go. 

B7176, I've had some personal experiences, similar to what you're describing, that I have accepted as signs. Specifically, signs that things are okay. Even though we hate the reality we're faced with, our beloveds are okay. I believe that. So yes, I think the cigar was meant for you, and only you. You can find the meaning, you can find the comfort it's meant to give. It was "revealed" to you. That's what I believe anyway, others may disagree, but I think this "reality" is far, far more complex and multi dimensional than we can understand, and THAT brings me comfort. 

Bless everyone today, may you all find peace and comfort, 

Andy

[Francine]

B7176

For me, this has not been a good day so far; It is the "first" of many for me going solo and I am so not looking forward to any.    Went to lunch with my senior group and some of the ladies showed what their husbands did for them.  I was happy for them but all the while I felt sick to my stomach.  Memories came back on how my husband and I would celebrate - he would always have flowers delivered; sometimes we would top it off with dinner and a movie; or we might just enjoy a quite evening at home.  Either way was great.   I would tell him that candy was a no-no; he laughed but would abide by my wishes.  My tsunami is coming now; feeling so sad.   

6 hours ago, B7176 said:

I want to believe it was a sign from him

Often times, God will give us signs that our loved ones are OK; and I believe you got one!  Your Own Personal Angel. He was sent to comfort you and bring God's love to you!   Be strong and God Bless us all!

 

[KMB]

KayC---Give Arlie a happy birthday hug and kiss for me. Such a handsome, smiley pooch!

As for the day itself and everyone's different postings, I choose not to make any comments. Going on social media this morning was hard enough.

B7176---I feel strongly, the cigar was a sign. I hope you have it in a special place.

Sadaf,,--- My prayers of comfort and love to you.

Herc--- Proud of you for leaving a card for your daughter. I also honestly feel your wife put the thought into your mind with picking out the shirt.

HHFaith---Stay brave. It is a day to be thankful for those we still have in our lives. Your partner's spirit is with you.

Andy---Hope you have a comforting talk and find some calmness and peace at your wife's gravesite.

Francine---I haven't discovered any obvious signs to mark the day. I know you and I know, our partners are with us. My husband wasn't a splashy sort, but I knew I was loved and so are you and that is what counts.

[Francine]

KMB

Thanks so much - your words are always comforting to me.  Be Strong and God Bless! 

[Ravinder]

Hi, 

Tough day as it would have been 24 years since I met my wife Balbir, I placed a soft teddy bear, red roses, a Valentine's card and lit a red candle next to her picture in our bedroom, way of remembering and being together with each other, although I know that she is not physically with me, I sense that she is and would have appreciated our special day today.

Miss you the live of my life.

My red haired lady.

Ravinder.

[Francine]

Ravinder,

She is with you in spirit and would have appreciated your remembrance of her today.   Stay Strong and God Bless!

[KMB]

Ravinder---Such a touching, loving way to honor your Balibir. She is always with you.

[Chasisdope]

It's my wedding anniversary month. We wanted it to be together with Valentines so that it'd be extra special. Anyhow, I was doing okay today up until I heard my three year old crying out for her daddy while I was in the kitchen cooking. I hurried to see what was going on only to find her slumped on the living room floor weeping. I asked her what was wrong and she says, "I just want my daddy" "I love him" "I'm hurt" I asked where she was hurting. I thought she had fallen or something but she says, "No, my head hurts, I miss my daddy too much!" 

I was spooked for a minute from her sudden screams. Then just now, she was telling me to shut the lights off for bedtime. I was going to after she fell asleep but she insisted and says it's too bright that she couldn't see her daddy. Sometimes, she does spook me out. But I think that's his way of telling me that he is with us. 

[fzald]

Chas,

Your post breaks my heart. It is so hard having to explain to young children that someone they love is gone. My girlfriend and I did not have kids (but we were considering it), but I have read some articles in child grief, and it's really hard. Kids that young often struggle with finality. I mean, all of us do, I still can't fully come to grips with the fact that my girlfriend is gone forever. But that's even harder for kids to grasp, to them it can just feel like their loved one is away temporarily, or worse, that their loved one chose to abandon them. 

I don't know how spiritual you are, but the other angle you can approach from is that perhaps your man is in fact appearing to your daughter. I'm not sure where to stand myself on ADC (after death communication) but there is a sizeable community who believe it to be real. There are thousands of accounts of people of all ages having visions, sensations, dreams, etc. which they feel are actually messages from their loved ones in the afterlife. Children, despite their age, can be incredibly perceptive, less "distracted" by the complexities of adolescent or adult life, so it might stand to reason that children would be more open to receiving such messages. It's entirely up to you what you believe, but maybe that knowledge can find you a little comfort.

 

[KayC]

Chasisdope,

My take is the same as fzald's.  Children are more open so more accessable to the spirit world.  That's heartbreaking, seeing her missing her daddy so much.  

[4Hdad]

I spent the day avoiding human interaction wherever I could. Took the day off of work. Washed the truck. It was her truck. Took care of the horses. They were her horses.

I logged on to Facebook long enough to see the hearts and flowers and happy couples, and then avoided it for the rest of the day. 

People kept 'checking in' with me and I'm like, "thanks for checking in," as I usually am much more grateful for their concern, even if I sometimes don't want it. Yesterday was one of those days; on the outside I was pleasant, but inside I was incredulous, like, "Do I look like I am inviting this attention, hiding out in my house and taking a day off of work? If I wanted to interact with a bunch of happy assholes, I would have left the fucking house like every other day."

I kept it all to myself, or course. People try to do the right thing, and they don't always know what that is. It's difficult and it's not their fault if I don't want or need to 'talk about it' on this day. I have a sister who is awesome, but she asks me how I'm doing all the time and yesterday was no exception. I say 'fine,' and she sits there and stares at me like she expects me to break down in a flood of emotion. I just sit there and stare back. I just let it get awkward until she comes around to the understanding that I don't want to discuss it. I didn't invite this uncomfortable silence, and I don't have any responsibility to elaborate on my feelings at all. It's weird.

[B7176]

4HDad, 

I understand your frustration. I know everyone means well but I am tired of the attention. I can't tell what's fake or real anymore. Do the people surrounding me really care? I'm tired of everyone feeling sorry for my son and I. It is very weird. 

 On another note, I'm glad you took it easy yesterday. I was okay until after work. I cried so hard I gave myself a headache. So unfair! Stay strong and be kind to yourself. 

[KMB]

Chas, I am in tune with fzald and KayC. Children have the capabilities of sensing the spirit world. We all do at the age. But as we grow and take in what is fed into our minds and from our environment, most of us lose that ability. Some are blessed with retaining that gift and use it to help people that have lost it. That is where our mediums and psychics of today originate from. Ever hear about children who have imaginary friends? They do. Friends from the spirit world. Those imaginary friends are with that child for a purpose and when that purpose is fulfilled as the child grows up, they are no longer needed.

Your daughter may very well be visited by her father. He knows she needs his comfort right now. In a brightly lit room, your daughter probably can't see him that well. Spirits prefer the soft glow of candle light or a low lit lamp. It might be spooky to you, but your daughter knows her father is there.

I can only imagine how tough it is with it being your wedding anniversary month. Do something in honor of your husband, he will be there. Mine is coming up in May. We always went out for a meal. I have no idea how I will cope until that day gets here.

[KMB]

4Hdad---I completely understand. This grief journey is so complex. Sometimes we need to be with people but at the same time we don't. I don't purposely avoid interaction but I do at certain times. It depends on the roller coaster of emotions at that time. Our emotions dictate our moods, our patience and tolerance. If I'm having more of an emotional time, I stay home. I don't feel the need to make excuses or get into the complications of grieving with anyone. They are either going to understand and be supportive, or they are not. I've already lost a few people because they think I should be over my loss by now. I'm just under the 6 month mark. It is unfair that anyone dictates where I should be on this journey.If they haven't been through the loss of a spouse/partner, they should keep they mouths shut. And those are the people I have lost as friends. They still have their spouses. It is during tragic loss like we are all going through, you find out who will really stick by you.

Yesterday was a hard day for all of us. We did survive by whatever means each of us chose to do.

[KMB]

B7176---We miss our spouses/partners. We want them back along with what was our normal life. This lonely life we find ourselves in seems surreal, along with the people we know. We question what is really real. At some point we get tired of the sympathy and the platitudes. People just don't know what to say. We want somebody to fix things. We want away from the pain and the crying. What we want, we can no longer have. It's an emotional cycle. We have to put in the work, the effort, to survive our loss. God bless us all.