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Sudden loss is an understatement..


Dee628

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Hi all,

I've been "lurking" around this forum for a couple of weeks. Maybe my story will help maybe it's just for me, but regardless... 

J & I were together for a little over a year. I am 26, he had just turned 32 right before he passed. Living together the last 4-5 months. When we first met, I was absolutely enamored. He was 6'5 and had big beautiful blue eyes (I used to call him ocean eyes). He had the funniest jokes and was unlike any guy I had ever met.

our relationship wasn't easy at first. We were both headstrong/ stubborn/ and extremely guarded. But throughout it all we were best friends. We shared the same interests, and made each other cry laughing almost every day. However, day by day our relationship blossomed. We finally fully trusted one another. The man who never wanted children or marriage was picking out engagement rings. We moved in together. We picked out the name of our first child. He would talk about her like she was already here, he told everyone about what she would be like and how excited he was..We spent all of our time together. We even commuted together to work. I used to tell him, you're the only person that's ever made me happy on Mondays at 6am.. I had been in longer relationships, but it never felt anything close to what we had. I was absolutely sure that he was it for me.

On tuesday, January 3rd, he didn't have work. I left early for my job and we spoke briefly, I kissed him on the head & told him I loved him. Since he usually texted me right as I left, I figured he fell back to sleep, which was not like him. He finally called me around 11:30AM. We spoke about his plans for the day, and I asked him to send me a picture of my ezpass, so I could look up my account. He mentioned he was having a stomach ache and told me he loved me. 

He never texted me the picture. I texted him multiple times. I Kept making an excuse- shower? Napping? Left his phone home? By the time I got to our place I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I open the door, and his lifeless body is laying right there on our kitchen floor. My own screams haunt me, I've never heard anything like it. He was wearing the new jeans and sneakers he had bought the night before, the same night he brought me home new lingerie & our sushi dinner.

to avoid making this even longer, I'll skip the details that came next. But two days later we found out he had heroin & fentynol in his system... Now the worst part of all of this is I never knew he used to shoot/ use heroin. I knew of an old pill problem, but he had been clean for 5 years. Turns out he never told me that pill problem was actually an addiction to shooting heroin. The weekend before he died he bought a car from one of his old friends who is currently a heroin addict. I'm assuming something triggered him that weekend and he could no longer fight it.

Some my friends keep telling me "in a way I'm lucky", I never saw any of the negative sides to addiction. He never stole from me or disappeared etc..I don't consider myself lucky at all, id rather be homeless and know he was safe.... However, it kills me that the man I believed to know inside/ out, that cried to me about every problem, that was my biggest cheerleader and confidant, had held in this huge secret from me. His family & friends have reassured me it was because he was embarrassed. His dad said J never thought he'd meet a girl like me and never felt such love from anyone, and he was scared I'd look at him differently, not like my "white knight". 

J was not ready to die. He had a great job. We were planning to buy a house, start a family. We had freakin dinner reservations that coming week he was so excited about. We had vacations planned. On the side, he had started creating a clothing line and had meetings setup with a few retailers already. He loved photography & music. I had just bought him his first professional camera for his birthday, less than two weeks before his death, and it's all he talked about. 

I miss him every second. I miss our music playlists, I miss our long drives, our inside jokes, our to-do lists, I miss eating dinner together... Jesus Christ I could go on forever. He was so unique & such a life force. I finally felt happy and safe, for the first time in my life, and I feel robbed. 

One thing I did get before he passed- that Sunday, the 1st, we stayed up talking for 6 hours about us and how in love we were. No music, no tv, no distractions. We talked about our future daughter that we wanted so bad. He cried a lot and kept asking why I loved him and if I would ever leave... Which now makes sense since he knew he had or was about to relapse. I reassured him of my love and kissed his face over & over. We talked about how lucky we were for having each other, and that if both of our shitty lives prior meant this (our relationship) was our reward it was worth it 100 times over. We always had long & intimate talks, but this one was so long & special.. Hard to describe. 

I'm sorry for the long and rambling post, I just wanted to give a complete overview. I have a successful career, my father, my brother, and supportive friends, but I've never felt so suicidal or depressed. Not even suicide, because I wouldn't put my family through it, but just wishing I'd die in my sleep or get hit by a car. 

I want my best friend back so badly. Every second is awful. It's hopeless and dark. And half the time I feel so many emotions and think of so many memories, I feel like I'm losing my mind. there's a lot more, but I guess this is adequate for now, thank you so much for reading & any advice is appreciated. 

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Dee628,

First, I'm terribly sorry for the loss you've suffered, and will continue to suffer. 

I don't have any magical words or special wisdom to impart, all I can say is please, please take of yourself. Eat, get plenty of water and sleep. It's crucial. Taking care of yourself will enable you to better cope with this. And if you need to talk with a professional grief counselor, then do so, it's what they're trained for. 

You're so young, not much older than my daughter (20yrs old), so as a dad, I'd just give you a big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. There aren't any rules for this grieving, there aren't any timelines, so you grieve the way you need to. No one but YOU knows how you feel, so you make sure you do what you need to do. Don't self medicate, don't bottle up or neglect your pain, let yourself cry, scream, sit silently, eat a gallon of ice cream, walk, it's your sorrow. I can say don't ignore the sadness, acknowledge it. That one moment, that one terrible moment, will be a part of you now, and that's ok. You loved him deeply, you hurt equally as much, it will be a wound that'll feel like it'll never heal. That's ok too. Coping is an ongoing process, God knows I'm still reeling from my wife's passing. 

Try not to harbor any "resentment" about his addiction. It was a personal "demon" that, I'm positive, he wanted to protect you from, and perhaps "shame" was a component. But ultimately his desire to shield you from his problem was a testament to how much he cared for you. I think that was a kind thing he was trying to do. 

Post here as often as you'd like, the people here are great. I'm sure, also, they have much more  to say, much more wisdom than I. 

Praying for you and may you find comfort and peace. 

Andy

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15 minutes ago, Andy said:

Dee628,

First, I'm terribly sorry for the loss you've suffered, and will continue to suffer. 

I don't have any magical words or special wisdom to impart, all I can say is please, please take of yourself. Eat, get plenty of water and sleep. It's crucial. Taking care of yourself will enable you to better cope with this. And if you need to talk with a professional grief counselor, then do so, it's what they're trained for. 

You're so young, not much older than my daughter (20yrs old), so as a dad, I'd just give you a big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. There aren't any rules for this grieving, there aren't any timelines, so you grieve the way you need to. No one but YOU knows how you feel, so you make sure you do what you need to do. Don't self medicate, don't bottle up or neglect your pain, let yourself cry, scream, sit silently, eat a gallon of ice cream, walk, it's your sorrow. I can say don't ignore the sadness, acknowledge it. That one moment, that one terrible moment, will be a part of you now, and that's ok. You loved him deeply, you hurt equally as much, it will be a wound that'll feel like it'll never heal. That's ok too. Coping is an ongoing process, God knows I'm still reeling from my wife's passing. 

Try not to harbor any "resentment" about his addiction. It was a personal "demon" that, I'm positive, he wanted to protect you from, and perhaps "shame" was a component. But ultimately his desire to shield you from his problem was a testament to how much he cared for you. I think that was a kind thing he was trying to do. 

Post here as often as you'd like, the people here are great. I'm sure, also, they have much more  to say, much more wisdom than I. 

Praying for you and may you find comfort and peace. 

Andy

Andy,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. You're right about taking care of myself- I've been looking in the mirror and I don't even recognize my reflection.

I'm trying to look at the addiction in the light you described. most of the time I do feel what you described, that he hid it because he really thought it was behind him and was in love with me and just trying to protect the both of us.

I am so sorry about you, and your daughter's, loss. I'm at this garden behind a church him and I used to love to come to, I'm going to light a candle for your wife. 

Thanks again

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Dee628,

That's a beautiful sentiment, the candle at the church. Thank you. My wife will certainly appreciate the gesture, as I do. 

Addictions, mental illness, emotional disorders, people who don't have personal experience with these things, really have no idea how controlling and destructive they are. 

My prayers and thoughts, be safe, 

Andy 

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Dee,

No it doesn't seem lucky at all.  I am so sorry, this is the hardest thing one can go through, I'm just glad you found this place.  It helps to know there's others going through similar that understand.

I am sorry he reacquainted with that "friend".  If it could be proven he supplied him he could be charged with his death.  That wouldn't bring him back though. :(

I'm sure you're having a hard time realizing any of this is real, just trying to absorb it all, it's a shock in the beginning.  My heart goes out to you.

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Dee628

I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you.   From your post, the two of you were so much in love and happy.  It's unfortunate that he was pulled back into that sickness again.   Addition is a family disease... one person may use,  but the whole family generally suffers. The truth most families eventually discover is that no one can cure another person's addition.  That is the responsibility of the one with the addiction.  No one is immune from addiction; it afflicts people of all ages, races, classes, and professions.  Sometimes it's not the drugs that make a drug addict, it's the need to escape reality.  Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside. I can only imagine that it must have been hell for him to let go of the demons; drug addition is a special kind of hell.  It takes over the soul of the addict and breaks the heart of everyone who loved them.

Often times it's dangerous how attached and addicted we become to someone. Know that you were there for him, when he needed you most.  You gave him the loved he needed and longed for.  After the rain, comes the rainbow, after a storm comes a calm; after a night comes a morning; after a sad ending, comes a new beginning.  You've got to find yourself first; everything else will follow.  Follow your soul, it knows the way.  Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

Things right now seem bleak and lonely.   Look in front of you, there are others encouraging and guiding you; look behind you, there are others on the same journey, look behind you, there are others encouraged by you.   It's not selfish to love yourself; take care of yourself and make your happiness a priority.  It's a necessity.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all Safe.  Hugs to you 

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