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Lost my father 2 years ago - struggling


jamw117

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Hi guys - I lost my father over two years ago to Cancer and whilst at the time of his death I was quite strong for myself and for my mother, recently I've been finding things very difficult and know that i've never truly grieved his loss. My sleeping pattern has been a bit of a mess ever since he was first diagnosed and have recently started taking sleeping tablets which although help I still don't get a full night's sleep, I can't remember the last time I got a full nights sleep to be honest. 

I've recently taken the step to see a grievance counsellor as it's become more of an issue of late - i've become quite introverted and have found myself becoming anxious a lot of the time, avoiding/alienating friends etc. I've always found it quite difficult talking about my feelings openly which is part of the problem and part of me feels that I should've dealt with things differently in terms of talking more instead of building up this wall to block out the grief. Dad was my best friend and the one person I would always go to with any problems which makes it that much tougher, i also always wanted to be strong for my mother and grandmother.

I've recently found myself feeling quite emotionless/hopeless/loss of interest in things i used to love, I'm just in a bit of a rut and trying to find where the old me has gone..I almost feel as though part of me passed when he did - which I wish i didn't as he was such a strong/inspiring person I feel like I should be carrying that on, which i have at points but recently have felt like everyday is a struggle. 

Not necessarily looking for an answer (not that there is one!) more just to put some words down somewhere to help get them off of my mind slightly..thanks

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Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for your loss.  There is not much that I can say that can help ease the pain. However, i believe it does take a lot of strength and courage to be vulnerable and to let others see your pain and how you cope with it.  Many people feel the need to hide their emotions, but that does not always set a good example because it only makes others feel alone when they go through their own struggles.  If you can express your emotions and show others a good example of being vulnerable and yet still persevering, not only do you help yourself release your grief, you also inspire others to grieve but also persevere.  Don't be afraid to express yourself.  You have the strength to be vulnerable and strong. 

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I lost my dad very unexpectedly on Father's Day 9 year's ago, he one month shy of his 51st birthday. I had to be strong for my mom and my 4 younger siblings, I was only 30 at the time of his death and never had expected that I would be planning a funeral, picking out my dads casket. My younger sister was never the same after the death of our father, she started taking opiate's to numb the pain, she overdosed and died on the 18th of January. I am still grieving over the loss of my father and now my sister. I honestly don't feel that time heals pain, you just learn how to deal with it, cope with it. I tell myself that at least my sister is now with our father but I don't feel that I will ever feel complete again, how is that possible when two pieces of our puzzle are now missing. My children, husband, family are what keeps me going, I try living my life the way my father and sister would want me to, I am trying not to take anything for granted, Cherish everything, always love and care for the family I have left here on earth and always keep the memory of my Dad and Sister alive. I am truly sorry for your loss

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