I Can't Stop Thinking About My Cat

[philintheblank]

Hi everyone,

This is probably going to be a long post, and I apologize if it's a little disjointed or hard to follow. I've got a lot on my mind right now.

Early in the morning of February 5th, my wife and I got a call from the vet that our cat Shadow had suffered a seizure and died. We'd brought him into the vet due to his lethargy and refusal to eat. For weeks he'd been slower to move around than usual, and in the early going he had a runny eye. Since our other cat had just gotten over some sneezing that had lasted a couple of weeks, we didn't think much of it at first.

We took him to the vet for the first time because his lethargy had gotten a little worrying. The vet took his temperature and said he had a really bad fever. He gave Shadow a shot to reduce the fever, and a couple of antibiotic shots to keep his upper respiratory infection from letting bacterial infections in. He sent us home with some ointment for Shadow's eye as well. For a couple of days, Shadow was almost back to his usual self.

Then he started getting lethargic again. Our usually highly-social cat was hiding and growling if he thought we were going to try to move him, or whenever we started to pick him up. We brought him back, and the vets gave us a gel-style medicine to try to help him fight off the virus. He took this medicine twice before turning his nose up completely. We stopped worrying about giving it to him, but within a couple of days, he was not eating at all. So we brought him back to the vet. On this trip, like trips before, he seemed to do better as soon as we got to the vet. The doctor tried giving him some special recovery food, designed to be extra palatable, and Shadow went nuts for it. We brought him home with a few cans of the food.

That was Thursday night. Come Saturday morning he wasn't eating at all. He wasn't moving under his own power. On Friday we had him up on the bed and he didn't move at all when he had to pee. He just wet the bed. We found him Friday night wedged into a corner, his head caught behind one of the bars for the radiator. We had to struggle to get him out. So Saturday morning we made another call to the vet, and brought him in for an appointment at 5:30 that afternoon. He barely responded to anything. The vet did some bloodwork and got him set up on an IV. The bloodwork didn't show anything life threatening, just a few levels that were out of whack, consistent with having an infection and not eating. Once we were done talking to the vet, we said our goodbyes and left Shadow there on his IV drip, figuring we'd be picking him up in a day or two.

It was that night that we got the call about the seizure. When we went in to see him, they told us that his front legs had seized up, stretched out in front of him. His jaw had locked in place. He'd vomited up pieces of tissue, and his stool was black and tarry like he had suffered internal bleeding. The vet said it was consistent with poisoning, but I know we were careful with him. We knew he would eat the most random things, and we wouldn't have left anything dangerous. We didn't even have anything containing strychnine, which the vet said it looked like. We think maybe it had been cancer, or some other disease that had riddled his insides without us knowing.

I was, and still am, completely crushed. Shadow was only about eight and a half years old. We'd adopted him shortly after losing another cat, whose death I had also taken very hard. We'd had Shadow for five years, and he'd had a couple of health scares a couple of years ago that were resolved. But now that he's gone for real, I'm struggling. At first, I was just devastated. I was crying and screaming and punching my pillow--all the usual signs of grief.

Then for a day or too, I thought I was okay. I was keeping it together.

But for the last few days now, I'm not okay. I'm not as outwardly upset as I was at first. But I keep thinking about him. When I recognize that he's gone, it brings a lump to my throat and I say and think things like, "I wish you could come home." But the worst part is that I still keep thinking of him as alive. It's the emotional equivalent of missing the last step going down the stairs. I just get completely jarred and rattled, because one second I'm thinking about him like he's still there, and the next second I'm reminding myself that he's gone.

It's like I start to feel normal again, but then normal ends up hurting me, because I forget that he's gone. I want to stop forgetting. I want to start adjusting to it. But everywhere I look in my apartment, I can see him. He was a huge part of my life, and it feels like there are significant parts of me that just aren't ready to accept the fact that he's gone. I want to accept it. I want to be able to remember my baby without feeling the emotional sucker punch that comes with it. I just don't know how to get there.

Anyway, thanks for reading. To anyone else who is going through something similar, I'm sorry for your loss. My Shadow meant the world to me, so I know how much you're hurting right now too.

[KMB]

philintheblank------I am so sorry about your loss of Shadow.  For 5 years he was your companion, filled your life with joy and unconditional love. He still loves you, just from a different place. A place of peace, love, where he is healthy and playing with other cats. You gave him a great life here and did your best by him, you loved him. You probably will never know what caused his pain and suffering, but Shadow knows how much you tried to help him.  Grieving is a roller coaster ride. Our emotions are all over the board. One of the hardest aspects of grieving is the acceptance. That is a huge hurdle. One step forward and two steps back. It is a long, confusing process. Your loss has only been a few days. The emotions are bouncing all over. Remember Shadow with love and memories. Set up a place of honor for him, where you can go and spend quiet time talking to him and letting him know he will never be forgotten. I have had my share of furry friend losses. Their unique personalities and unconditional love leave an empty void. But we learn to carry them in special places of our hearts forever. Prayers and hugs to you.

 

[KayC]

Philintheblank,

I'm sorry you lost your Shadow.  It takes time to absorb the changes this loss makes, changes that are hard to assimilate right now.  Right now every change in your routine is an abrupt reminder of your loss and it hits you all over again.  As your mind begins to realize this loss and incorporate it into your daily life it won't hit so abruptly right and left.  You will continue to miss him but the intensity will lessen, thank God, I don't think we could take this going on and on like this.  I lost my cat in June and still think of her and miss her.