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I hate myself and miss my mum so much


Poolf1

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My mum was very sick in hospital, she had numerous health complications. She asked me the day before she passed away "am I dying?" I said i didn't know and thought that was a silly question as she was just not well. She passed away at 615am on the 24th Nov 2016 with none of her family around her just the hospital staff.

I am so angry with myself for not staying the night with her. I am angry for not listening to what she was saying. I loved my mum more than anything in this whole world and was her main support.we did everything together.

I feel like I failed her when she needed me the most.important hate myself so much and can't stop thinking of her.I miss my mum terribly.

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Dear Poolf1,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your beloved and cherished mum. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please be kind and gentle to yourself during this difficult time.  What you are saying and going through is normal and part of the grief journey. I know how much we all want to go back and change what we said or did. I do too.

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. But you did the best you could with the information you had. I was like you, I never believed my dad would pass. I thought I will see you tomorrow dad. But he passed two hours after I left his side for work. And I felt as you did, so angry at myself! Why did I leave? Why didn't I know? He even asked me about his life insurance about a month ago and I just dismissed him. I thought don't ask me about that, I don't want to talk about that. I never allowed myself to believe my dad would pass. He would make it.

I know it hurts. And its only normal to dwell and ruminate over what happened. Four months later, I still do it. Its very hard to understand. Because we love our parents so much and still wish we had one more day with them at our side.

You are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you. Sending you love and hugs.

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Poolf1, my condolences on your loss.  As I was reading your post, I wondered what your mother would say to you if she was here right now?  Would she honestly feel like you failed her?  Would she want you to be angry with yourself?  Or would she thank you for loving her and being there for her?  Based on what I gathered from your post, you were there for her when she needed you the most.  She was able to confide in you in her final moments.  I think your mom knew she was loved and cherished.

It's so easy to nitpick and beat ourselves up what shoulda coulda been, but I highly doubt your mother would see it the same way you do.  If a friend of yours, or even your worst enemy, had just lost their mother, would you tell them they failed their mother because, despite everything else they did, they didn't stay the night?  Some of the things we say to ourselves are so unbelievably cruel and yet we'd never say that to anyone else in the world, including our worst enemies.  We should show ourselves the same kindness we'd show anyone.  Please, be kind to yourself.  You are going through a lot right now and the last thing you need is beating yourself up for something that was beyond your control.  I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to do that either.

 

 

 

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On 14/02/2017 at 8:22 AM, reader said:

Dear Poolf1,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your beloved and cherished mum. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please be kind and gentle to yourself during this difficult time.  What you are saying and going through is normal and part of the grief journey. I know how much we all want to go back and change what we said or did. I do too.

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. But you did the best you could with the information you had. I was like you, I never believed my dad would pass. I thought I will see you tomorrow dad. But he passed two hours after I left his side for work. And I felt as you did, so angry at myself! Why did I leave? Why didn't I know? He even asked me about his life insurance about a month ago and I just dismissed him. I thought don't ask me about that, I don't want to talk about that. I never allowed myself to believe my dad would pass. He would make it.

I know it hurts. And its only normal to dwell and ruminate over what happened. Four months later, I still do it. Its very hard to understand. Because we love our parents so much and still wish we had one more day with them at our side.

You are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you. Sending you love and hugs.

Thanku so much reader.it hurts so much.I am sorry about your dad.i know I am not alone and can't believe others feel the same as me about themselves. Your words really meant a lot xx

 

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On 14/02/2017 at 8:30 AM, Dgiirl said:

Poolf1, my condolences on your loss.  As I was reading your post, I wondered what your mother would say to you if she was here right now?  Would she honestly feel like you failed her?  Would she want you to be angry with yourself?  Or would she thank you for loving her and being there for her?  Based on what I gathered from your post, you were there for her when she needed you the most.  She was able to confide in you in her final moments.  I think your mom knew she was loved and cherished.

It's so easy to nitpick and beat ourselves up what shoulda coulda been, but I highly doubt your mother would see it the same way you do.  If a friend of yours, or even your worst enemy, had just lost their mother, would you tell them they failed their mother because, despite everything else they did, they didn't stay the night?  Some of the things we say to ourselves are so unbelievably cruel and yet we'd never say that to anyone else in the world, including our worst enemies.  We should show ourselves the same kindness we'd show anyone.  Please, be kind to yourself.  You are going through a lot right now and the last thing you need is beating yourself up for something that was beyond your control.  I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to do that either.

 

 

 

Thanku dgiirl, you are right myous mum wouldn't be thinking I failed her.I think she would be sad that I'm feeling like this.

You are also right, we are cruel to ourselves.I never thought about it like that.I would never tell anyone theyou failed their loved one.thanku for your comment.I understand what you are saying and I appreciate it 

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44 minutes ago, Poolf1 said:

Thanku dgiirl, you are right myous mum wouldn't be thinking I failed her.I think she would be sad that I'm feeling like this.

You are also right, we are cruel to ourselves.I never thought about it like that.I would never tell anyone theyou failed their loved one.thanku for your comment.I understand what you are saying and I appreciate it 

It's ok to grieve and be angry.  But be careful who you direct the anger at.  You need to treat yourself as you would anyone else in the same situation, with love and kindness.  

This forum has been really good at allowing others to vent and let out their thoughts.   So continue posting!!

 

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