Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of Boyfriend to Cancer


GreenL

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hi All,

I am 21 and new to the site and looking for a way to deal with the loss of my boyfriend of 3 years.

My boyfriend had a very short illness that had very little symptoms until the very last days. In the space of a couple of weeks he lost his ability to walk, had a seizure which resulted in him being placed in a coma and ultimately being brain damaged. He was diagnosed with an extremely agressive, primary stage 4 brain cancer called Glioblastoma which had spread throughout his brain. The main tumour, situated on his brain stem, had bled which caused the seizure. 

The cancer was untreatable and inoperable due to the location. He had surgery to reduce the pressure on the brain but the damage had already been done. His family and I made the decision to turn off the oxygen as we were informed we were no longer prolonging his life, but his death. He was diagnosed on the Tuesday and by early Thursday morning he was gone.  

I sat for 9 hours and watched the love of my life die.

I feel so lost and alone. I have so much support around me but no-one is in the position I am.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello, 

GreenL sorry to hear about your sad loss rest assured you are not alone in this site, I watched my wife pass away in November 2016 . I sat with her surrounded by family as her life support was switched off, she had a major heart operation, a replacement aortic value, included replacing all of her main artery. After ten days having not woken up, she passed away from sepsis even though doctor's confirmed her operation would take time to heal.

I lived in hope after being told that, but like wise I feel and share your pain.

Take care it's a long lonely journey.I Have three kids.

Ravinder.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry. I hate cancer. The torment that it puts everyone through is just unbearable. I wish I can reach out and give you a hug. My husband of four years passed from Leukemia. He fought it for nearly two years. We had so much hope and never thought his fight would end in death. 

I know what you mean about having support. No matter how much support or how much someone tells you they're sorry, they'll never know the emptiness you're feeling. I can't say whether or not being gone quick or having a chance to fight is better because in the end, you still feel pain. Nothing can make this better. I still question why does death have to happen. 

I was with my husband throughout his battle until the last two months of his life. His mother became antsy about his life insurance policy so she made sure she did everything in her power to make me leave town. Little did she know, that the only thing that matters to me is him, not no dumb life insurance money. My three year old daughter and I was robbed our very last chance to hold his hands and say good bye. We NEVER had a chance to see him go. By the time, I got there, the plugs were pulled. He laid there lifeless. I placed my hand on his chest to no sound of heart beat. Every single time he comes back or I come back from going somewhere and we meet, I always place my hands on his chest to see if he's calm or nervous. That day, nothing. Not a sound. Nothing but pitch black. 

The only thing we can do is take it minute by minute, day by day to get through this. I think highly of those who love me. I don't want them to end up with this kind of pain that's why I'm still hanging on. I still just want to be with him wherever he is. I love him and miss him so much. No words can explain. And the people around us who hasn't loss the love of their life would never know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL,

I lost my best childhood friend to cancer at the age of 22. He did have a long, drawn out battle, which included a couple amputations and months of chemotherapy. It was agony watching him slowly deteriorate no matter how hard the doctors tried to save him. Cancer is one of those things that I find myself asking "why does this even exist?"

Your boyfriend's death, however, sounds a little more similar to my girlfriend, who I only lost a couple weeks ago. She did not have cancer, but she did suffer a massive, sudden brain hemorrhage, which affected the brain stem and ultimately she passed away only five days after being admitted to the hospital in a coma. She was fine the morning it happened. We even spoke on the phone. Then she was out for the day, had a sudden dizzy spell, and passed out. She never woke up. 

The sudden-ness of death, especially at a young age, is in my opinion one of the most traumatic ways someone can be plunged into grief. You had little to no time to say goodbye, you leave so many questions unanswered, and you end up grieving not just for the loss itself, but for the loss of the unrealized future dreams and hopes. My girlfriend and I had planned to move in together this year. We were planning to travel this summer. We even had Valentine's plans. She had so much planned for her own life and for ours, she had a bucket list of things she wanted to do before she died. All of these will never come to pass for her. I feel so empty and lost inside. Nothing I used to enjoy doing brings me any joy at all. All I find myself doing these days is reading this board, reading anything I can about grief and loss, crying, missing her, sleeping, and forcing myself to eat because I know I must, even though I have absolutely no appetite.

You are right, nobody can truly know the agony of losing a young love unless they have experienced it themselves. My mom tries so hard to support me - she really liked my girlfriend, and has many fond memories to share with me, and has let me openly blab about her for two straight weeks, but she will never truly get it. I did lose my dad three years ago - also suddenly - but he was older, and I kind of feel like it's a little different because there's less grieving of what could have been. They had a full, complete life together, they got married, raised me, traveled the world, and all that. I had been with my girlfriend for 6 years, but we were just getting started with those huge plans. We had kind of had an equilibrium in our relationship for a few years, but this past year things really started to get more serious, we were seeing a lot more of each other, being more intimate, and making serious, solid plans for our future. 

What I can say is that everyone on this forum has experienced loss of someone we love. Some of us are older and have lost people at an older age, but some (like me) have lost young people far too early in life. I am only two weeks in myself to my sadness, so I won't try to give you the "it gets better" speeches, because I still can't believe that myself. But I can say that there are people here who will listen and talk to you, who are in similar situations. Please keep posting here. You can also send me a direct message if you like.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Green L

I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry you had to deal with this terrible thing at this young age. Loss of the love of your life would be the last thing you could have ever imagined. I am so sorry. I too lost my boyfriend my love when he was 24 this November. I am 23. I could understand the torment you are feeling right now. 

I don't know how to deal with this. I can't give you any advice on that. I would just say, keep on foot in front of the other. Breath. It will get better. I don't know how. But it will.

We all are here for you. We will be listening to you. 

Lots of love to you sweetheart. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Green L,

I'm sorry for your loss. You are not alone. My boyfriend also died suddenly. We found out he had a mass on his brain around 6pm Dec 30th. Then I watched as he went into cardiac arrest around 8pm on that same day. He never came back. I later found out that the mass was a brain cyst that caused the cardiac arrest. He was 25. I lost him in a matter of hours. So fast!!! I also feel so lost without him. I have no words of encouragement or comfort. I just wanted to let you know that there are others just like you. Stay strong!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Green,

I'm so sorry.  This is the hardest thing we've ever faced but it helps that we can all be here for each other, listening and supporting one another. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Green L,

I so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. I don't know anyone losing their loved one to cancer, but can only imagine what you must have gone through being so young.   Cancer takes those we love far too early; it hurts us deeply and the loss breaks our hearts. I know it's not easy, but try to think of your loved one as beating cancer, beating it by how he lived, why he lived and the manner in which he lived.  Cancer cannot cripple love, it cannot corrode faith; it cannot destroy peace; it cannot suppress memories; it cannot evade the soul; it cannot steal eternal life nor conquer the spirit.  

God knows your pain and doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need.  People to help you, to encourage you, to strengthen you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.  You are stronger because you had to be, smarter because of your mistakes, happier because of the sadness you've known and now wiser because you have learned.  You have gone through hell and you still survive.  

I know you miss him and your mind knows he is in a better place where there is no pain; no suffering, no cancer; only Love and Peace.   You believe and understand that; its only difficult to explain it to your heart.   You will be together again,  until then, he will always be in your heart.

 Below is a poem, I thought you might like.

WHEN I"M GONE

  • When I come to the end of my journey, and I travel my last weary mile, just forget if you can, that I ever frowned, and remember only my smile.
  • Forget unkind words I have spoken; remember some good I have done, forget that I ever had a heartache, and remember I had loads of fun.
  • Forget that I have stumbled and blundered; and sometimes fell by the way; remember I have fought some hard battles and won, before the close of the day
  • Then forget to grieve for my going; I would not have you sad for a day; but in summer just gather some flowers; and remember the place where I lay
  • And come in the evening, when the sun paints the sun in the west; stand there for a few moments beside me; and remember only my best.

It's unfortunate you have to be on this website; but know you are not alone.  There are some amazing people on this forum who will not only share their stories, but will give you comfort and encouragement. I hope you know you can come here anytime.  We are all here to uplift one another.    I pray that God gives you the love, strength and peace to get through this difficult time.   Hugs to you, you'll be OK.  God Bless us all!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL----So sorry for your loss. Cancer is such an ugly word and disease. You are not alone here. This is a wonderful forum with many amazing, loving people who share, comfort and encourage. We all understand because we are going through this most horrendous ordeal that has been placed in our path. Our loved ones have left us for their spiritual journey. We are left behind with broken hearts and shattered lives. We cry, vent, crawl under the covers, seeking relief from the pain that was forced on us. Our only option is to face the grieving head on. Stumble and fall, get back up and try it again and again---It is a roller coaster journey but you will make it. You will have support from your family and friends and from us here. Just breathe. One second, one minute, one hour at a time. One day at a time. Prayers and hugs to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you all so much for the heartfelt replies. 

It's such a terrible thing that everyone is bought together by such sadness and heartbreak. I searched for ages for somewhere I could pour my heart out, where other people would understand and have only recently come across this page. I only signed up last night but I already feel as though I am not entirely alone. 

It is nice not to be told that I will "get over it" or "it won't last" because I won't and it will. I will forever be changed by the devasting events of this year. 

Each story I read brings so much sadness, but it is so lovely to see that the world is full of kind, gentle people who are happy to offer support when they too are alone and suffering. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL---This forum has become my lifeline and I hope it becomes yours also. I don't have very much of a support system. I'm still saddened by the people in my life who have faded away to their own lives, their partners. All the well meaning platitudes I was given in the beginning---*if you need anything*, etc. It is in the following weeks, months, when reality starts hitting you so hard, that you need the support more than ever. We are forever changed by our losses. There is no *getting over it*. We eventually learn to live with it and continue on the best we can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL, so very sorry for your loss. It was so sad and sudden. Know that you are never alone on this dreadful journey. Like KMB, this forum has become my lifeline. I hope you find the support you need here. You have a tough time ahead of you. On Sunday it will be four months since I lost my husband and it still seems so fresh. I've come to accept that your grief does change you. You will get better at dealing with it though. I don't know how it happens but it does. I never thought I could have made it to even four weeks but I'm still here at four months. We just have to live however automatic and meaningless it may seem. Just take baby steps. We are here with you. 

Prayers and strength to you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
4 hours ago, GreenL said:

It is nice not to be told that I will "get over it" or "it won't last" because I won't and it will. I will forever be changed by the devasting events of this year.

That's the good thing about having this place to come to and share with others that understand.  You will never hear us spout those stupid cliches.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Agreed.

It does not get better. You do not get over them. Why would you? "Get over it" is more about a breakup. In a breakup, you have a good reason to stop "loving" the person in question. But in a good relationship ended by death there are no hard feelings like there is in a breakup. 

It is scary especially at first but I'm starting to understand the idea that it will only get easier to live with, not better. I will always, always miss my girl, until that day I can finally be with her again forever. But I can at least hope that somehow, some way, someday, I will be able to live a life worth living.

Right now I am just going through motions, I feel like I only exist for the sake of existing. I go to work to make money to feed myself to stay alive to go to work to feed myself..... It feels cyclical, like there's no purpose other than to not die. I would welcome an easy painless death if it were graciously offered. I'm still counting days since it happened. I'm still judging myself every step of the way, expecting that I will be "a little better" by a certain time, or that I must just make it to the one month mark, or the 5 week mark...

But what I can hope for is that through all this pain and emptiness and indifference, I will someday find a way to grab hold of something, pull myself slowly up, and someday, maybe, see the light of happiness again.

For now though I am either sad, depressed or numb. 

I miss her more than anything. I miss her so much. She deserves to be here with me. She deserves to be living life. Instead she's in the ground, and her spirit is a world away. And I'm left here alone with no direction and no happiness.

She took my happiness with her. I only hope she can find a way to help bring some back to me someday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

The situation doesn't get better but we get better at coping with it.  I know it is hard to see when you're so fresh into this, but we adjust little by little, it takes much time and effort.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
15 hours ago, GreenL said:

but it is so lovely to see that the world is full of kind, gentle people who are happy to offer support when they too are alone and suffering. 

That's what we're here to do; uplift one another. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 states:  "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing". Keep strong and God Bless!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

So far I feel I have coped quite well. I've made myself go out and do things, to see people, I went back to work and I've worked hard. I've been struggling to get to sleep but once I was asleep, I was sleeping through the night. I wasn't having nightmares, or even dreams. But as the days go on I am finding it harder and harder. Since he passed away I have been so numb to the point I felt nothing at all. I would occasionally cry but I could manage a day, maybe two, without crying. I felt guilty, that I wasn't greiving enough. That people would think I didn't love him as much as I said I did.  

The month mark hit on Sunday 12th February, 2 days ago, and I feel as though something within me has shifted. I cannot sleep at all. I'm scared to. Everytime I wake up I have to remember all over again that he's gone. I didn't just lose him the day he passed away, I lose him every single morning. I lose him on my lunch breaks when he would come strolling out of his office with a massive grin on his face. I lose him when I see something he love to here and have no-one to tell it to. I lose him when I finish work and I no longer have him waiting there for me. I lose him at nighttime, where our bed used to feel too small and now there is far too much space. I don't know how many more times I can go through that.

I feel such deep sadness and it's awful knowing that absolutely nothing can take that away. That nothing will ever help this pain. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Green,

I know the pain of waking every morning and feeling the loss all over again. It is excruciating. I look forward to my restless sleep only because it means I don't have to face the world without her in it for the next 8-10 hours. I hole up in the bed and drown out the world. I sleep restlessly. I wake up every couple hours and check the time. Oh good, only 1:30. More sleep. 3:00, thank god. 5:00, oh no..... 8:00, s**t, now I have to get up. Some days I just call in and go back to sleep anyway, finally dragging out of bed around 12 or even 1. Take care of a chore or two, obsessively read this forum, read some grief books, take a nap, cry, have a snack, cry more, read more, check the forum again... and finally the sun goes down and I can once again sleep. But every morning I must wake up again into a world without my beloved girl. 

I seriously do not know how people survive this. Each morning I am disappointed I didn't die in my sleep. Each morning I feel like I'm starting over in my grief. It's pure agony.

:-(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I too feel the pain each morning after waking up to the reality.  I don't know how anyone survives this grief either, but we do.  I cry whenever I feel I need to, which is very, very often.  Don't really care any more where I am or who sees me crying.  I know I have to "go with the flow" when the grief comes.  They say this is part of the healing.  Just do what you feel you need to do, and take as long as you need.  I know I'm in for a long road ahead of me, but I will survive.  I have no choice!  I want to live the rest of my life the best I can.  Not just for me, but also for him.  He gave me so much and to honor him, I feel that I must continue to live a full life and be happy again some day.  He will always be with me, but in a different way.  God, I wish he could be back here with me and things could be the way they were, but I know that is not going to happen.  So, I am left to try and figure out how to live without him, or how to live with him in a different way.  This is so new and confusing.  I don't like it but it has happened and I need to deal with it, somehow.  The support we receive here is wonderful.  Keep sharing everyone, and I wish you all a good night's sleep!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL, fzald---The both of you are going to survive your losses. I am just a few days away from 6 months. Every day I wanted to give up, sometimes I still do. If I can make it this far, so can you. Look at all the wonderful, caring people on this forum. We are all grieving. We are all at different time frames. We are enduring this by our own efforts and relying on our support systems and this forum. Everyone one of us should give ourselves a hug.

Personally, if it wasn't for KayC, who has immense strength and insight for all the years she has struggled and made the choice to stay on this forum and continue providing help and encouragement, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far. I just kept reading her posts and figured if she can endure this long, there is hope for me also.

There is hope for all of us. Love yourselves and have faith that this journey will get less bumpy over time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB

3 minutes ago, KMB said:

f it wasn't for KayC, who has immense strength and insight for all the years she has struggled and made the choice to stay on this forum and continue providing help and encouragement,

Ditto that.  KayC is a Godsend and have helped so many with her inspiration and encouragement.    Strong people don't put others down, they lift them up. KayC, Stay Strong; God bless us all! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB, Francine...So true! KayC has been a true comfort and immense support to all here on this forum. I look forward to reading her posts. I could only imagine how many others she has helped before we joined the group. 

Thank you KayC...you're angel for all of us here. Continue to be you...continue to inspire. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Thank you, you guys.  You don't know how much your words mean to me right now, after going through another Valentine's Day alone, kids busy with their lives, sometimes it gets old and you wonder why you're still here, you know?  I guess we're still here to lift each other up, and also to experience what good there is where we are planted.  At the senior site yesterday we had a nice valentine's party...yesterday was my dog's birthday so I made the day about him.  We all get through this the best we can.  It's odd how all these years later I'm still in this but how can I not be, he's still gone.  I still miss him.  No one fills that void, nothing fills it.  I don't obsess with grief, it's just part of me now.  I still experience good moments, try to enjoy life, but always there's something missing...and we know what that is.

14 hours ago, fzald said:

oh no..... 8:00, s**t, now I have to get up. Some days I just call in and go back to sleep anyway, finally dragging out of bed around 12 or even 1. Take care of a chore or two, obsessively read this forum, read some grief books, take a nap, cry, have a snack, cry more, read more, check the forum again... and finally the sun goes down and I can once again sleep. But every morning I must wake up again into a world without my beloved girl. 

I seriously do not know how people survive this. Each morning I am disappointed I didn't die in my sleep. Each morning I feel like I'm starting over in my grief. It's pure agony.

I understand.  In the beginning it is that way.  I don't sleep now but not because of George's death, I think it's part of old age, insomnia, anxiety, ugh.  What you say about feeling like you're starting your grief all over again every morning...I remember feeling that way.  It does change.  I don't get hit with the sucker punch to my gut anymore, it's more like a quiet sadness that is just always inside of me.  Not that I'm sad all the time, but that grief presence is always there regardless of what I'm doing or feeling.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It almost surprises me that I manage to get through each day. In my head I'm still in December 2016, before everything happened, my boyfriend was still here and my life was normal. I had a future I was excited about and so much to look forward to. It often shocks me when i look at the calander and see 20th February, 21st February, 22nd February and so on. How is it 2017? How has this much time passed since he had his first scan? Since he was taken into hospital? Since he passed away? I didn't expect the entire world to stop for my heartache but I also forgot that everyone else still carries on as normal. 

I read somewhere that it helps to take each minute, each hour, even each day at a time which is what I have been doing. I haven't thought any further than Saturday. I try and push myself to do something each day rather than force myself to do it all at once. Today I took his laptop back to his work. I work next door but it has taken me 6 weeks to face his office and all the lovely people he worked with. Tomorrow I will push myself to do something different. 

I wish there was an answer as to how you deal with losing the love of your life. Some tablet you could take to ease the pain. Some device to wipe your memory, or even take you back in time.

Although the world is a wonderful place, it can be incredibly cruel at times like this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Green,

You are so right, it would be nice to hit a restore button like we can on our computer and make everything go back to that time before it happened.  If only we could.  You are so right about taking one day at a time, try not to go beyond that, it's enough to deal with today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL, Yep, one day at a time. That is all I have been capable of doing for myself. I lose track of the days. I can't believe I have managed a tad over 6 months.  I lose track of the date. I only take notice of the date if I have to write out a check. I've forgotten about appointments, until I get a phone call. I just haven't really cared about too much except in getting through another day. I am so pathetic. I don't even recognize myself in a mirror. One day at a time-------

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

KMB,

I think we are all pathetic here on this site if you mean the original definition of the word, relating to the emotions, or even if you mean arousing pity through vulnerability or sadness.  If you mean it in the more common usage of miserably inadequate, I cannot imagine a group of people, especially you, that are more the opposite of pathetic.  We are fantastically capable people, who even at our most hurt and vulnerable are still willing and able to help others going through the same pain.  You can view yourself in any way you want to, of course, but know that I see something far different

  1. admirablecommendablecreditablelaudablemeritoriouspraiseworthyredoubtablenotablenoteworthynoticeableoutstandingreputableworthyexcellenthonorablenoblehoneststraight

  2. Those are the antonyms of pathetic, I think I would use any of them to describe you.

  3.  

pa·thet·ic
pəˈTHedik/
adjective
adjective: pathetic
  1. 1
    arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness.
    "she looked so pathetic that I bent down to comfort her"
    synonyms: pitifulpitiablepiteousmovingtouchingpoignantplaintivedistressing, upsetting, heartbreakingheart-rendingharrowingwretchedforlorn
    "a pathetic groan"
  2. 2
    archaic
    relating to the emotions.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 2/14/2017 at 5:48 PM, GreenL said:

...I feel as though something within me has shifted. I cannot sleep at all. I'm scared to. Everytime I wake up I have to remember all over again that he's gone. I didn't just lose him the day he passed away, I lose him every single morning. I lose him on my lunch breaks when he would come strolling out of his office with a massive grin on his face. I lose him when I see something he love to here and have no-one to tell it to. I lose him when I finish work and I no longer have him waiting there for me. I lose him at nighttime, where our bed used to feel too small and now there is far too much space. I don't know how many more times I can go through that.

I feel such deep sadness and it's awful knowing that absolutely nothing can take that away. That nothing will ever help this pain. 

GreenL,

I am so sorry for your loss, and the nightmare of having to choose that over causing him more suffering.  I am always awed by people who, like you, are forced to that choice and find the strength to give of themselves to prevent their loved ones pain.

Every word of your on going loss hits home with me.  Every old experience reminds me of her, and every new experience reminds me how much I want to share things with her.  You have expressed perfectly my daily, sometimes hourly realization that my life has forever altered.

While nothing will ever help the pain, we may still find our way through it.  The memory of my love has given me the strength to make it through some of those moments.  Knowing that I can feel what is missing only because I also know what I had is small comfort at times, but comfort none the less.  I hope that comfort finds you as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Pathetic was the only word I could think of. I go with whatever I am feeling at that particular moment. Thanks so much, Herc! You lifted my spirit.

What words does any one use for how they see themselves at certain times of lowness? I don't recognize myself. My husband wouldn't recognize me. He would want to know where that woman went that he fell in love with. I used to be up before dawn, happy to see another new day. Just plain happy to be alive, to have my soulmate by my side, planning a day together, being productive, having that feeling of accomplishment, that togetherness at the end of the day. It is amazing how love and togetherness made our lives so meaningful. Now, I am alone. I drag myself out of bed long past daylight. I guess my accomplishment now is just getting through the day. I either go to bed far too early or stay up far too late.

I am just a work in progress. Trying to figure out who I am now. What am I supposed to do with my life. How  can I return to a little bit of that woman my husband fell in love with. So much of me was lost, still is lost. I have to find me again.   The pain has a way of consuming all logical reasoning. I am trying, that is the best I can do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
5 minutes ago, KMB said:

I am just a work in progress. Trying to figure out who I am now. What am I supposed to do with my life. How  can I return to a little bit of that woman my husband fell in love with. So much of me was lost, still is lost. I have to find me again.   The pain has a way of consuming all logical reasoning. I am trying, that is the best I can do.

You are doing wonderfully.  We are all works in progress, but if the unfinished product shines as brightly as you do, the polished diamond at the finish will be stunning.  Your husband will recognize you, when you are reunited, and he will be astonished and proud of the amazing growth you are currently blind to because of your ongoing grief,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
11 hours ago, KMB said:

What words does any one use for how they see themselves at certain times of lowness?

Perhaps instead of attributing terms to yourself, attribute them to your feelings.  Pretty much any and all feelings are normal in grief, but I hate to see you label yourself in such a derogatory way just because you've gone through the hardest trauma there is.  You are exhausted because grief takes a lot out of you, that is to be understood.  I've often equated this grief as being akin to brain trauma.  If you had a serious accident that left you with brain trauma and you woke up in the hospital, would you refer to yourself as pathetic because you didn't wake up all energetic and accomplish the things you used to?  No, you'd be patient and understanding of yourself, but would take time to heal, pushing yourself a little bit as needed to make some headway with your condition.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Herc, KayC---Thank you. I've always been *hard* on myself. My own critic. I put my heart into everything I've always done. The one person who appreciated me, *got me*, loved me, is no longer here. We completed each other, we were whole together. All the feelings I have been experiencing are taking its toll. It's going to take a very long time, if ever, for healing. I don't even know if healing is a proper term. Recovering, to whatever extent I am capable of, and adapting seem more apt.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB, I completely agree with Herc. You are anything but pathetic- you are strong, kind, caring, admirable, the list could go on, but not pathetic. You take time every day to comfort others, like me, who have lost someone close to them. Being able to reach out and support others at a time where you don't even know who you are is something else. My biggest accomplishment is also getting out of bed each day and thats okay. It has to be. Don't be hard on yourself, you're doing really well x

Herc, I have read a number of your posts and I am always touched by the way you speak of your wife. There was obviously so, so much love in your relationship. Thank you so much for your kind words.    Knowing that I can feel what is missing only because I also know what I had is small comfort at times, but comfort none the less. I know I was lucky to have what I had and I know that I am only grieving because I loved and was loved so much. Losing the love of your life is a special kind of loss. x

KayC, I admire you so much. You reach out to everyone on this site and offer a virtual shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. Your husband was blessed to have someone as wonderful and caring as you. He would be so proud that you are helping others from your own pain. I can speak on behalf of most of this site when I say thank you for reaching out! x

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL--- Thank you. I admire everyone I have met here. I try to give back what I have received. It helps to post here and try to over ride my own pain. My husband used to tease me about being too compassionate. That I had to develop thicker skin. I'm naturally a people- pleaser and he witnessed me getting burned a few times. He was only looking out for me though. Didn't like seeing me hurting. I'm hurting now, but I have to keep remembering his love for me and get comfort from that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

KMB and everyone else,

My girl was a people pleaser. Sometimes she went out of her way - sometimes too far in my opinion - to make people's day. People who knew her said she could make you happy just by being in your presence. People who knew us said I seemed so much happier since I had been with her. People at work have said they saw me glow with happiness around her, and that she brought out the best of me.

It is so unfair that she, one who brought so much light and happiness to the world, is gone. The world truly lost something invaluable.

But my point is if roles were reversed, I am sure that even in her grief she would be reaching out to help others. That was just too much a part of her core personality. You all would have loved her. She could have helped even the saddest and most depressed among us feel better. She hated seeing anyone hurting. In fact even in her final days, she was trying to help a friend who was feeling down about some things. She was concerned for everyone except herself. Her mission in life was truly to make people smile.

And to me, she did all of that. I smiled so much more with her. I've spoken of not knowing what "happy" truly was before her. She was more than my soulmate. She was HAPPINESS wrapped in a beautiful package.

I try my best to keep that part of her alive. I have always liked helping people too, but she had an intuition I lack and a purer heart than me. I do wish it would have been me instead of her, if only because the world deserved her. She was the kind of person who made this thing called life worth living. 

Without her the world is a little bit darker. But there's still a lot of other people who are like her out there, and some of them are right here. Nobody can take away our grief, nobody can end our suffering, but we still find it within us to be here for each other and support each other through the worst time of our lives. 

Thats a beautiful thing. My girl would have loved it. I hope she's watching down on all of us, smiling and feeling glad that there's people there for me, but also that I've tried to be here for others too. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL, you have found the most wonderful place here, and I hope it helps you as it has helped me. I too had to choose to let my sweetheart go, rather than leaving him lay in that hospital bed, a shadow of his strong, courageous, lively, sweet, funny, sexy, loving, smartass self. It's an endless hell for me to stumble through each day without him, but it was hell for both of us when he laid there, that evil cancer eating him alive.

It's a special kind of torture to sign the DNR for the love of your life, and tell the doctor to turn off the ventilator, but I'm so thankful I had the strength to do it because it was best for him. My knees buckled and I could barely see the paper through the tears in my eyes, but God and Greg forgive me, I signed it.

The day before he died, I told Greg his dad and brother would be there the next morning, and I promised him I wouldn't let him lay there. Watching the monitors, his heartbeat calmed right down after hearing that. At least I hope he did. Oh, how I miss my extraordinary man, but I'm certain he knew he was loved, and I was watching over my hero who always watched over me. 

We will survive the loss, and go on to find happy moments again. And we will carry our lost loves along in our hearts, so they live on, too. Peaceful night, all.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
25 minutes ago, His Monkey said:

...God and Greg forgive me, I signed it.

...The day before he died, I told Greg his dad and brother would be there the next morning, and I promised him I wouldn't let him lay there. Watching the monitors, his heartbeat calmed right down after hearing that. At least I hope he did. Oh, how I miss my extraordinary man, but I'm certain he knew he was loved, and I was watching over my hero who always watched over me. 

You not only watched over him, but watched over his family as well.  At a time when he couldn't be the hero, you were the hero he chose.  You did a wonderful thing, and I think he would tell you there is nothing to forgive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
18 hours ago, GreenL said:

Your husband was blessed to have someone as wonderful and caring as you.

Thank you...it's funny you say this because I never thought of myself that way.  GEORGE was the caring one, I was the practical down to earth stable one that saw to it we got our chores done and bills paid.  He was the people person, always helping people, he'd give the shirt off his back.  I used to say I was the brains and he was the heart.  I miss him so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I wish this site had a "like" button.  There are so many things you all have said here that I wish I could acknowledge with a "like", you all mean so much to me.  There's a lot of collective wisdom and stamina on this site.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I came across a poem which summed up very briefly everything I am currently feeling and I thought I would share it:-

Losing You

I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice back.

Then, the day arrived it was so damn hard but the next was harder. And I knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse and I wasn't going to be okay for a very long time.

Because losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again. I lose you every time I pick up your favourite coffee mug; when that one song plays on the radio, or when I discover your old t-shirt at the bottom of my laundry pile.

I lose you every time i think of kissing you, holding you or wanting you. I go to bed at night and lose you, when I wish I could tell you above my day. And in the morning, when I wake and reach for the empty space across the sheets, I begin to lose you all over again.

- Lang Leav

I have never been very good at explaining how I feel and have also found quotes/poems are the best way to epress my emotions. So Losing You was the best way I could let everyone know that I am still hurting. I am not "over it", I lose him every second of every day. 

x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Green,

Thank you for sharing that.  Poems are a good way of expressing what you don't know how to put into words.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

GreenL, Thanks for checking in and sharing the lovely poem. It does it so well in summing up our pain of loss.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.