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I wish that I had made better choices for my little cat


sabu j

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Hi all,

I am feeling terrible for the decisions I made in caring for my little cat. She was a stray that I was hanging out in my back yard in Montreal a few years. ago. She had a bad skin condition where she had licked away of the fur on her backside and she was very scrawny. It also turned out that she had worms. She also had some issues with her hips so she could not jump. Her back legs were quite weak and she managed to get up on beds and couches by hoisting herself up with her front legs. I have always been adverse to doctors and prefer natural medicine. So when I took her in I put her on a raw food diet and gave her ACV in her water to heal her skin. Her skin did get much better with the diet and I tried to get rid of the worms with diatomaceous earth. It never really did the trick and eventually went to the vet and got some dewormer. Where I had lived in Montreal, it was nicely set up for indoor/outdoor cats. When my cat wanted to go outside she would exit through our back door where we had a balcony with steps leading down to the backyard. She never went far but she liked to use the bathroom outside and get some sun. It was also very quiet and peaceful there.

When I had her for about a year, I decided to move back  to NYC. And this is where I start to feel guilt about all the choices that I made since that point. The drive to NYC was very stressful for her, she had never been in a car. The place that we first moved into did have a backyard so I let her sit outside in a fenced in area in the back rather than stay in the dark basement room that I had. Well a new roommate had a dog that she claimed was well-trained and that had grown up with a cat. She said that he should be fine with my cat. Well the dog went after my poor handicapped cat, jumping into the fenced in area where she was. Luckily another roommate witnessed this and stopped the dog before he attacked my cat. I took her back into my dark basement room and she remained there for the entire month that we stayed in that apartment, terrified and refusing to leave our room in fear of the dog that would come and pant heavily outside of the door in anticipation of attacking my cat again. So my cat had a terrible first month in NYC and I hoped that we would find a better place where she could settle in. Well we went from place to place and she never was the same. I took her away from her familiar surroundings that were very cat friendly in Montreal to a noisy, stressful city.

Fast forward a couple of years later to the place that I am staying at now. I was hoping that my cat would be happy here as she had access to the a fenced in yard and it is relatively quiet here. When we first moved in, my cat started to urinate outside of her litter box and I thought it was due the stress of moving. She kept doing this though and one day I saw blood in her urine. I took her to the vet and they said that she a UTI. She got antibiotics and this eventually cleared up. That summer, I made the decision to take a vacation and asked a roommate to care for her in exchange for discounted rent. He agreed and I thought that I had left her in good hands as he displayed interest in her and had said that he and the cat were going to have fun together playing, etc. while I was gone. He also barely left the apartment so I thought he would interact with her and pay her attention since he had a lot of time on his hands. Well it turned out that he neglected her. He did not let her into his room for the entire two months and largely ignored her. He did feed her but he didn't even pay enough attention to clean and refill her water fountain. She was left by herself without hardly any interaction for two months in the living room which gets barely any light. I doubt that she was drinking enough water too. She ended up getting very sick, not eating and also started to urinate outside of her litter box. The roommate didn't even clean this up properly and I got an email from my landlord saying that the hallway outside my apartment smelled like cat urine. There were two other people staying here also at that time too but none of them could be bothered with my cat, it seems. The roommate that was supposed to take care of my cat eventually took her to the vet and they did a number of tests. They said that she had hyperthyroidism and the beginnings of kidney disease. When I got back home, there was a $2000 vet bill waiting for me and my cat was in terrible shape and howled mournfully at me when she first saw me arrive back at the apartment. I felt terrible for her. Her fur was matted in places and she seemed very distressed. I took her to the vet again when I got back just to make sure that she was okay and they said that she seemed alright. So I thought that the worst was behind us.

I fed her a mainly raw food diet and gave her herbal remedies for her kidney and thyroid condition. I just assumed that she would get better and she seemed okay to me. She was a quirky cat  though so sometimes she would choose to sleep in odd locations and not interact with me as much, I just assumed that it was her preference. Now in hindsight, I think that it was because she wasn't feeing well.  

Fast forward to last summer, my mom wanted me to visit her so I asked an old roommate to watch my cat. He had a first floor apartment with a quiet yard where she could go sit outside and sun herself. He was always very fond of my cat when we had lived with him for a year. He agreed to watch her and I felt relieved that she would be in good hands while I was away. I left him with her water fountain, a week's worth of raw food with her herbal remedies mixed in and grain free dry food. I again took for granted that she would be in good hands. I thought all was well when I picked her up from his house. My friend told me that he had been busy that week so he had not been home much. In retrospect, I wonder of he took proper care of her. I wonder if he bothered to give her her wet food, he never seemed to have like dispensing it when we lived together since he doesn't eat meat. My cat seemed very agitated on the way back to our place and I chalked it up to the stress of travel. When we got home she ran out of my arms and wanted to hide. She then went to use her litter box and there was blood in her urine. I just assumed that she had another UTI so I gave her some natural antibiotics and probiotics. I didn't want to rack up another expensive vet bill and I thought that I could avoid it since I already knew what was wrong with her, or at least that what I thought. Her condition worsened though and she took to hiding under my bed and refused to eat. I thought that since I had leftover medicine from her last vet visit, I didn't need to go see the vet again. I gave her these medicines and she did recover but was never same again. She started declining again a few months later. She took to staying in the bathroom, sleeping between the toilet and the the tub. She would come out to eat and use her litter but then she would run back into the bathroom. So I spent less and less time with her. When I came home from work, I would be tired and I would go see her and take care of her but then I would eat and lay on the couch or go on the internet. I felt bad that she was all alone in the bathroom but when I took her out of the bathroom and brought her to sit on the couch with me, she would get upset and run back into the bathroom. I just thought that was what she preferred and I did not want to force her. I just assumed that she would get better. After a couple months of this, despite the different medicines that I tried, she wasn't improving so I took her to the vet and she had a blood test done. The vet gave her an antibiotic shot and prescribed at home fluid therapy for her kidney disease. Looking at her blood tests, the vet said that my cat was very sick but she did not recommend anything beyond giving fluids a couple of times a week. 

My cat continued to get worse and I went crazy reading websites about feline kidney disease and amazon reviews for products that were supposed help minimize the effects of the disease. I bought so many things and started giving her so many different supplements, etc. in the hopes that I could cure her but think that I made her feel worse cramming all these medicines down her throat and force feeding her. She continued to get worse, she wouldn't drink or eat on her own and died this past Sunday, unable to walk, going to the bathroom on herself and just overall seeming to be miserable. I took her to be euthanized. 

What I feel so guilty about is not making better choices for her. I wish that I had never left her in the hands of people that did not care for her properly. The stress of being left alone seemed to have triggered her illness. I think now that she probably had a fear of abandonment since she obviously had been dumped by someone in Montreal. I also wish that the when the vet first learned that my cat had kidney disease that they had recommended supplements and diet changes. Also, I wish the vet had informed me of what warning signs to look out for and to tell me to bring her in right away if she displayed certain symptoms. I have since read how people have kept their cats alive for years after a kidney disease diagnosis withe proper diet and supplementation. I did feed my little cat well but I guess it wasn't good enough. Also, I really regret not taking her to the vet right away the second time she got sick. I did not realize that she may have been crashing due to kidney disease. I think that if I had taken her to the vet right away, they may have been able to intervene and save her.

So I basically feel that I didn't make the right choices for my poor cat. I should have taken her to the vet more often and been more proactive in learning about kidney disease. Everything that I did for her was too late. I wish that I didn't leave her alone with unconcerned people that didn't have any compassion for her when she was suffering. I just wanted her to be happy and feel well but I made choices for her that made her feel worse. I feel that I had poor judgment and it cost her her life. The vet said my cat was old, maybe 15 years old but I wanted my cat to have a long, healthy remaining life with me. I have heard of cats living upwards of 20 years and I feel like I shortchanged my little cat and I made her miserable.

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sabu j------- I am so sorry for the loss of your cat. You did everything you possibly could for her given her life circumstances. She sought you out in the very beginning because she knew that you would love and care for her and give her a home. She would have passed away in more tragic way sooner if you had not opened your heart to her. Guilt is a common feeling with grieving. The what ifs, the should haves. But you were definitely doing your best with the information available at the time. You were living in the present moment with every decision and that is all we can do. You mention she was maybe around 15 years of age. That is remarkable for any cat. Kidney disease is terrible and painful. I had a dog that suffered with it for almost 3 years before we had to make that hard decision for euthanasia.

Stress did not trigger her illness. Some cats are just prone to more diseases than others. You invested a lot of love, time, energy and money into making her life as comfortable as you possibly could. She gave you her heart and unconditional love in return. She knows you tried your best. She is over the rainbow bridge now. Perfectly healthy and enjoying the sunshine and green grass in Heaven. Be thankful that you gave her a home and did your best for the remainder of her life. Prayers of peace and comfort to you.

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KMB, 

Thank you for your kind words. It brought tears to my eye. I am sorry for your losses and thank you for your compassion in responding and offering clarity. 

Sabu J

 

 

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Thank you also. Your cat looks a lot like mine, a dark tortoiseshell.  I am in misery missing my husband but it brings me some measure of comfort trying to bring comfort to others on this website. I only have my pets for company and don't know where I would be without them.

Remember your cat with love and carry her in your heart. Blessings to you.

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sabu j,

I am so sorry you lost your little cat.  She looks amazingly like my Kitty who is 21 this year...she was abandoned in a trailer court by crackhead over and over for the first ten years of her life and had never seen a vet or been in a car.  Someone had crudely "fixed" her so she couldn't have kittens, a cord hanging out her tummy...I didn't even want to think about that one.  I promised her a forever home and she's remained with me out in the country, but she goes outside less and less the older she gets, not wanting to deal with neighborhood bully cats, etc.

I feel for you so much!  Did they ever say what caused the kidney disease?  Did she have Diabetes?  You are the one person in the whole world that cared for her and loved her and took care of her to the best of your ability!  You have less to feel bad about than anyone...I have found that vets and doctors often do not offer the information they should automatically give to us, it's like pulling teeth to get information out of them.  Sometimes they leave us confused and with more questions than answer.  :angry:  Maybe they assume we can read between their non-communicative lines, but they shouldn't assume, they should educate us.  We didn't go to vet school or medical school, they did.

Your cat had a good life with you for a long while before she got so sick, and even then you tried to help her.  She's old and tired and wants her rest now, and you gave her that.  I hope you find comfort in this video, The Rainbow Bridge.  It's always brought me comfort as I've had to lay my pets to rest.  (((hugs)))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw

Here is my Kitty, she used to be darker but she's getting some grey now.

Kitty 113012.JPG

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Dear KayC,

Thank you very much for your kind words. Your saying that my cat was tired and needed to rest really struck a chord with me. I was heavily invested in her staying alive. She was my companion and I loved her but I did get the impression a couple of times that she wanted to go even though I so desperately did not want her to leave. Thank you also for speaking about vets. I regret not taking more initiative and finding a wholistic vet. There aren't any close to me but the extra travel would have been worth it and may have given my cat a few more years.

You did such a wondrous deed by saving your poor little kitty after she suffered so much for so long. She looks like a lovely and sweet cat. You must be a very special person for her to trust you after what other humans have done to her. I am glad that she is able to repay your kindness to her in love and companionship. She does indeed look similar to my poor cat.

I am very sorry for your loss of your husband. To look beyond your own grief and help another person in pain is a very selfless thing to do.

Thank you,

Sabu J

 

 

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