Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Sign in to follow this  
fzald

The loss of physical intimacy (safe place to share)

Recommended Posts

fzald   

One thing that has come up in passing but doesn't get discussed too frequently is the fact that, when you lose a relationship partner (be that a spouse, girl/boyfriend, whatever), one of the things you lose is physical intimacy. This could mean sex, but it could also mean physical cuddling, making out, sleeping in the same bed, nuzzling each other, feeling each other's touch and warmth, anything like that.

Sometimes I find people like to either deny or repress the grieving of sex and intimacy. It's almost like it's a taboo thing to think about when you're grieving a death. "How could you be thinking about that? Your beloved died and you're thinking about sex?"

The truth is that, in most good romantic or intimate relationships, sex and physical intimacy play a huge role. We as humans crave this type of connection to another person, and when we have it, we cherish it. Losing it is a definite real loss, and it's something that I feel should be more openly discussed and grieved. 

Maybe you miss the way he or she made you feel physically. Maybe you miss giving him or her pleasure. Maybe you just miss the quirks and intricacies of how your partner liked their intimacy. But whatever it is, it's still a part of what you've lost, often quite a large part.

For me, my girlfriend and I weren't living together yet (we were planning to do that this summer...), but we did have an active intimate life. I miss the times where she would tell me that she was so turned on that she wanted to leave work early so we could go to one of our places and get to it. I miss those times when we spent a lot of effort learning each other's likes and desires. I miss the feeling of making her feel good, and the way she described me in that context. I even miss just the fact that we were open enough to be able to easily, without any discomfort or awkwardness, have a frank discussion about sex and intimacy. We were not nervous to say "I don't like it that way" or to take the time to describe what we did want. I was very much looking forward to when we lived together, we likely would have increased our frequency of lovemaking and intimacy. 

I'd like this thread to be a place to allow all of us who are grieving to openly discuss what we miss in our loss regarding intimacy. No judging. Open, safe, honest conversation. It's one part of the loss that I do think needs to be brought out into the open, and it might help some of us who are comfortable enough to do it, to talk about it here.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I miss my husband's touch all the time. I miss how he'd nudge me when I'm in his side of the bed. Or whenever he'd accidentally lay down on my hair, I'd shriek in pain. My husband was never a gentle kind of man. So I don't get to miss him gently touching me LOL. But when I was pregnant, he gave me massages.  I miss everything about him. I miss his tight hugs. 

I miss his annoyance mostly. He seems to know just the right buttons to press with me. He thinks I just love when it's bedtime and he carries his keyboard into the room and starts jamming. No matter how many times, I'd tell him not to, it doesn't seem to bother him. He'll play music whenever he wants. 

Our sex life was off the hook so yes, I absolutely miss him and what he brings into the bedroom. He undresses my soul and that is what I love. He makes me feel perfect though I have insecurities. I love that so much about him. Our biggest complaint is not having enough time together. Really, all we do is spend time together whenever we can. If we're working, we're constantly texting, facebooking, facetiming etc.  We can never seem to get enough of one another and that's why it attracts haters who were very much jealous of our relationship. Idc what anyone says but I know for a fact those people were green with envy, hence, the meddling. 

I just miss him so much. I say to myself God hates me. I don't see any other reason for this. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

fzald, 

I have never been one to deny that aspect of my relationship. 

I miss being able to hold his hand whenever I could. There was just something about holding his hand that could make anything better, no matter what the problem was.
I miss the physical relationship we were just beginning. I miss us openly talking about our desires. I miss the learning curve, the genuine laughter as we tried to figure things out.
I miss just being able to plop down right next to him and cuddle into his side, taking his arm as we walked across campus.
I miss hugging him or having him hold me. I never realized how lonely I would feel having to go without his touch. 

Thanks for bringing it up. You are right in the fact that it is something we rarely talk about.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I miss physical intimacy all the time too. Not necessarily sex, but just touch and feeling "close" and connected. I have craved it a lot lately, and felt judged by others for feeling that way.

Everything I've read has said it's perfectly normal. Don't feel guilty about it. At least, I keep trying to tell myself not to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fzald   

Thank you both. I think it does help to talk about this a little....

When we get intimate with someone - not even necessarily sexually, but just physically at all - we make ourselves vulnerable. As much as we all love and crave physical intimacy, we also must accept that in doing so we let our guard down. It's another way that we share that total acceptance with our partners. 

I miss the physical touch even more than the sex. I miss her hugs when I was sad, and I even miss the feeling of her in my arms when she was upset, and my hugs and touch helping her feel better. I miss holding her hand too. I miss sitting next to her on a bench and putting my arm around her. I miss when she would sit on my couch and put my blanket over us and we would doze off in each other's arms under the blanket. 

I love her. I miss her. I will love and miss her forever, until that day that we reunite for eternity.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
1 hour ago, fzald said:

I miss the physical touch even more than the sex.

I think that's true for all of us.  I miss his holding me more than anything and next our talking over our day, we were so close...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Francine   

fzald

On 2/10/2017 at 4:40 PM, fzald said:

in most good romantic or intimate relationships, sex and physical intimacy play a huge role

I think it is one of the most rewarding and intimate ways for two people to show their love for one another.  I think, if we are honest, we all miss that one-on-one with our significant other; not sex per say, but intimacy.   My husband and I felt intimacy and closeness when we talked, touched, and shared our thoughts and feelings with one another.  While a feeling of intimate closeness takes time to develop, the experience of true intimacy is when you are connected to your loved one's heart.  I'm proud to say, my husband and I were.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Francine, My husband and I were the same way. We only had to look at each other and knew we shared the same thoughts or one of us would say what the other was thinking. We could finish the other's sentence. That is true intimacy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fzald   

Thank you guys. Yes, intimacy does go far beyond sex or even physical contact. My girl and I would all too frequently finish each other's sentences or start saying exactly the same thing at the same time. ESP? No. It was a sign of our deep emotional intimacy. 

That is what I find myself missing most tonight. She knew me. she knew me better than I knew myself. She could almost read my mind. And I could do the same to her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
trawna   

I agree with you all ... and would add only that the mental intimacy (as KMB said)  is for me a huge loss.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   
3 hours ago, Francine said:

  My husband and I felt intimacy and closeness when we talked, touched, and shared our thoughts and feelings with one another.  While a feeling of intimate closeness takes time to develop, the experience of true intimacy is when you are connected to your loved one's heart.  I'm proud to say, my husband and I were.

Us too.  (sigh...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My Ken and I were a very physically affectionate pair, and missing his touch - and yep, sex too - is one of the most tortuous parts of this rotten journey. I hate going up to bed knowing his big warm back won't be there to cuddle into....hate it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We all miss those moments. My wife can tell whenever I was in pain without me even uttering a word. I miss that now body is there to take of me in the same capacity. I would ask her to keep her feet on mine or touch our legs while sleeping so that we always were together even when sleeping.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dee628   

I feel every word in each reply from the bottom of my heart. I lost my boyfriend on January 3rd. I really believe he was soulmate in every aspect. It always felt like we could read each other's minds, we'd finish each other's sentences.. His touch still gave me goosebumps from day 1 until his passing. (And best sex of my life)..Our relationship felt so intimate and safe, he really was my best friend. We lived together and pretty much everyday I was still so excited about us coming home to each other. After I read everyone's response on here I ran out of my office crying. What I would do for him to be gripping my thigh while he was driving. It wasn't even sexual, it would always be during intimate long conversations or while singing, but everytime we drove his hand was always on my leg. 

The longing ache for him is still so overwhelming. It switches from numb depression to suffocating cries, but the constant throughout it all is definitely the ache for him. 

Wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fzald   

Dee and everyone else

I'm glad that we are all acknowledging our feelings. Intimacy takes on many forms and it's something that we have all lost. The longing for their touch, the physical ache, is very real. It was real when they were here to touch us, and now it's real when they're not...

Dee, I like you am new to the pain of losing my beloved, but it hurts every single day. Sometimes I want to cry but can't, and almost wish I could because it might help. Other times I feel completely numb and emotionless, like I have lost all capacity to feel. 

Please do start a thread and tell us your story Dee. We are all in this together, and while my only wish would be that not a single one of us needed to be here, I guess here we are. I also welcome private messages. 

Thank you..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

Dee628-----So sorry for the loss of your soulmate. We are here for you. Share, cry, vent, whatever you feel the need to let out. We'll understand. Pain of loss is our common ground. This forum has become my lifeline and i hope it becomes yours also. None of us want to be here, but it is comforting to be among those who truly understand.

Prayers of comfort to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Herc   

I miss all the parts of my relationship, and intimacy is no exception.  

I miss just her simple touch.  Not a caress, hug, or kiss.  Just a simple hand on my arm as I was reading to let me know she was there.  Her hand on my hip as she squeezed behind me in a doorway.  Her laying her hand on my knee while I was driving, just so we could be connected.

I am fairly young, and while I can't see it now, will probably have romantic interactions in the future.  Even so, I doubt I will ever again feel the tingling thrill that ran through me when she would simply run her hand along my jaw and laugh while telling me "You need to shave".

Edited by Herc
Removed a part because it didn't need to shared

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

I've had to turn it off in my mind, to learn to do without it, something I never thought possible.  It was a big part of our relationship.  Not the most important part, I mean if he'd been ill and couldn't have, it would have been okay, we'd have gotten by, our love would carry us, getting to spoon...but "sex"...I almost feel like, "what is that?!" now...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KMB   

I'm with you, KayC. I've had to turn off those memories for now. So agonizingly painful. With my husband's declining health, we had to give up the sex. It hurt both of us but we got past it because our relationship and the love over rode the rest of it.Soul mate love is a lot more than the physical, it is spiritual.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stonesie   

I miss his smell, laying on his shoulder every night to snuggle, talking about this and that before sleep, and of course sex.  I can't even imagine sex with anyone but him.  Ever.

I even feel like I am developing a sleep disorder because I am actually avoiding sleep - I don't WANT to go to bed because those things are all so obviously missing.  So my sleep schedule is screwed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fzald   

Tonight I am still up at 1:45 AM local time. Until now, sleep came easily and I would sleep for 11 or more hours a night. Now the insomnia is starting to set in.

Stonesie, I know how you feel. I am only 33 and am young enough that it would be reasonable for me to have another partner someday. But right now the idea of being intimate with anyone other than my girl is completely unattractive. If I tried, I'd be pretending the other person was her the whole time. I would want to do things the same way she liked, we'd spent a lot of time learning each other's likes and turn ons. I simply cannot imagine being intimate with someone else. Not sure if I'll ever be able to.

I still think sometimes about how she actually said to me before she left on her trip that she was excited for the next time we would be intimate, she wanted to do it the weekend she got back. The day we were supposed to do this, instead would become the day she physically passed away. Instead of a happy reunion and intimate time together, I lost her forever.

Its so unfair.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

Stonesie,

I had a hard time with that too...I took to sleeping in a recliner because the bed was just a reminder he was gone.  We always slept all wrapped up in each other and sleeping alone was so hard when he was gone.  Many nights I only slept an hour or two and then had to get up and go to work.  We need our sleep to function even minimally!   Looking back I really regret not accepting the doctor's offer of a sleep aid, at least for the first year or so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I miss spending Saturday and Sunday afternoons making love with my dear Ed.  He’s been gone almost 7 months now and missing him physically is almost overwhelming.  Last weekend was tough...I had gotten my feelings hurt and was really missing just having Ed listen and help me sort out if I was being too sensitive or if there was something there.  I sit on the porch and talk to him and this conversation went from my hurt feelings to missing sleeping cuddled against him to missing making love, that sometimes it was long and slow and sometimes it was just quick sex.  Later that day I went out into the yard and on the walkway, not close to anything at all, was a little screw.  I know it was from Ed and it made me laugh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
fzald   

A particularly vivid memory hit me last night.

The first apartment my girlfriend lived in was furnished. One day when I was visiting, we put a sheet over the couch and went at it, hot and heavy, more than once. We showered together afterwards and fell asleep cuddling on the bed. Later on, after she left that apartment, it turned out she knew the person who was moving in after her. She went to visit her friend a few months later and was sitting on the couch, and when she came back she told me she found herself thinking the whole time about what we'd done on that couch and just wanted me so much just from remembering it. 

She loved it when we made love. She was amazing at it. I miss her so much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
KayC   

GoldenPoppy,

Welcome to this site, although I'm very sorry for your reason being here.  I'm sorry you too have lost your husband.  Yes, we miss all of the things that losing them meant...sharing with them, making love, bouncing things off them, cuddling, everything.  I'm glad you got a laugh out of finding the screw.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×