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Grief Book Reviews


soundmankeysman1

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soundmankeysman1

Hello,

I am a reader who recently loss my soulmate.  I thought it might be a good idea to review some of the books that I've read lately about grief.  In our situations, sometimes it's hard to seek outside advice/support when we feel the way we do.  Sometimes we just want to be alone.  Having a good book dealing with the emotions that we are facing can help.  So, here goes.

The first book I read was "Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman.  The book has 365 pages, each page a day of the year.  Each page starts with a quote from a famous writer/philosopher/etc.  The rest of the page the author explains the quote, sometimes with an anecdote.  The bottom of the page has an affirmation that pertains to the quote and information on the page.  The author said she wrote the book in this format because when grieving, our attention spans are quite small.  Reading a whole book, cover to cover, can be overwhelming in our condition.  I found that I would only ready 3 or 4 pages at a time, then put the book down for a day or two.  That way I could assimilate the information, and apply/use in my daily activities.  Picking the book back up after a day or two; is not like starting the book over.  The book has some gems of wisdom for grievers, and explains a lot of the feelings that we are experiencing.  I highly recommend this book.

The second book I've read was "When your Soulmate Dies, A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning" by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.  This is a smaller book which only has 150 pages.  The book explains that the loss of a soulmate is the greatest loss one can experience.  Soulmate love is the biggest, most intense love/relationship one can have; and the grieving from losing your soulmate is much more involved than previously expected.  He says it takes what he calls "heroic mourning" to heal from this type of loss.  He talks about the need for evaluating/experiencing the six heroic mourning needs: 1. Acknowledge your soulmate's death.  2. Embrace the pain of the loss  3.  Remember your soulmate  4. Develop a new self-identity  5. Search for Meaning  6. Receiving ongoing support from others.   This book is mostly about soulmates; and the author is very understanding about the bonds that are involved with soulmates; and the extreme devastation in the loss of a soulmate.  He outlines a plan of action for healing this tremendous loss.  I also recommend this book.

As I read more, I will update.  I hope this helps somebody; the books have helped me.

Mike

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Here's a list of books from my other grief site that the administrator compiled from what people on our site recommended, I want to add them to the two good books you've listed here.  Your Healing after Loss is #24 (they aren't in any order).  I don't see "When your Soulmate Dies" but I do see other books by the same author.  You might want to contact Marty Townsend and have her add it to the list!  Thank you for doing that, it's not only very thoughtful, but helpful to all of us.

LIST OF BOOKS:
 

1. Surviving the Death of Your Spouse: A Step-by-Step Workbook, by Deborah S. Levinson

2. Caregiving, by Beth Witrogen McLeod

3. Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang

4. Life after Loss: A Practical Guide, by Bob Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson

6. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, by Jon Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine

8. Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine M. Saunders

9. The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald

10. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D. Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

12. How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies , by Therese A. Rando (recommended by Cheryl)

13. A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, by Stephen Levine

14. Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, by Nancy O'Connor

15. The Dying Time: Practical Wisdom for the Dying and Their Caregivers, by Joan Furman and David McNabb

16. Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief , by Stephanie Ericsson (recommended by Boo)

17. Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide, by Jill Brooke

18. A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing, by Carol Staudacher (recommended by Cheryl)

19. Too Soon Old Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, by Gordon Livingston

20. The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace, by Jack Kornfield

21. Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, by Sameet M. Kumar

22. When your Spouse Dies, by Cathleen L. Curry

23. Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices to Help You Stay Calm and Focused All Day Long, by Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine

24. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha W. Hickman

25. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle

26. Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, by Michael Shernoff (Editor)

27. A Journey Through Grief: Gentle, Specific Help, by Alla Renee Bozarth

28. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner

29. The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman

30. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson

32. Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope, by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. and Dianne Arcangel

33. Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing, by Susan Zimmerman

34. Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle

35. In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living, by Nancy Cobb

36. The Other Side and Back: A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond, by Sylvia Browne

37. Blessings from the Other Side: Wisdom and Comfort from the Afterlife for This Life, by Sylvia Browne

38. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, by Karen Casey

39. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche

40. Seven Choices: Finding Hope after Loss Shatters Your World , by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Paul S)

41. Grieving the Death of a Mother, by Harold Ivan Smith (recommended by Paul S and ashleybatt)

42. I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, by Linda Sones Feinberg (recommended by dpodesta and Rochel)

43. Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, by P. Gill White (recommended by Kerry)

44. Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim (recommended by LoriKelly)

45. Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss, by Deborah Morris Coryell (recommended by Chai)

46. Grace for Grief: Daily Comfort for Those Who Mourn, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

47. Angel Catcher,by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub, recommended by Carole

48. The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion, recommended by NotCoping

49. When Parents Die, by Rebecca Abrams (recommended by Rachael)

50. The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman (recommended by MartyT)

51. Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse, by Gary and Kathy Young (recommended by MartyT)

52. Books by John Edward (recommended by Leeann)

53. Talking to Heaven: A Medium's Message of Life After Death, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann)

54. Ghosts Among Us: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann

55. Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman (recommended by Sherr, Cubby and BellaRosa)

56. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, by Doris Stickney (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

57. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, by Jerry Sittser (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

58. No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, by Janice Harris Lord (recommended by MartyT)

59. Life after Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

60. Grace for Grief, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

61. Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Accepting Life's Adversities by Elizabeth Edwards (recommended by Sharon3)

62. Life After Death: The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

63. Getting to The Other Side of Grief: Overcoming The Loss of A Spouse by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries (recommended by tjwbrown)

64. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD (recommended by slinkybink)

65. Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg (recommended by Sal and by Marg)

66. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie (recommended by Tracy)

67. Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year (recommended by Tracy and by Brad)

68. When GOD Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life by Squire Rushnell (recommended by Carol Ann)

69. Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present by Jack Cain (recommended by MartyT)

70. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD (recommended by Anthony)

71. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hahn (recommended by Carol Ann)

72. 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper (recommended by NancyL and by NATS)

73. Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near Death Experiences by Jeffrey Long, MD (recommended by Melina)

74. My Glimpse of Eternity by Betty Malz (recommended by KayC)

75. Conversations with the Other Side by Sylvia Browne (recommended by grace10)

76. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anthony)

77. How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died by Susan Fuller (recommended by Niamh)

78. Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Boo)

79. Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence by Gail Sheehy (recommended by Steve)

80. Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann (recommended by mfh)

81. The Shack by Wm. Paul Young (recommended by suzie816)

82. Facing the Ultimate Loss: Confronting the Death of a Child by Robert J. Marx and Susan Wengerhoff Davidson (recommended by Carol Ann)

83. The Ultimate Loss: Coping with the Death of a Child by Joan Bordow (recommended by Nicholas)

84. Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matthew Logelin (recommended by MartyT)

85. A Widow's Story: A Memoir by Joyce Carol Oates (recommended by Carol Ann)

86. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamieson (recommended by Nicholas)

87. Love Never Ends by Connie Martin and Barry Dundas (recommended by Becky)

88. A Tearful Celebration by Dr. James Means (recommended by Pat)

89. Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by Miriam Greenspan (recommended by MartyT)

90. The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn (recommended by Steve)

91. Ask George Anderson: What Souls in the Hereafter Can Teach Us About Life by George Anderson (recommended by Mary)

92. Waking Up: Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise (recommended by MartyT)

93. Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

94. Levels of Life by Julian Barnes (recommended by Jan)

95. True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart by Tara Brach (recommended by Mary and Anne

96. Will You Dance? by Annette Childs-Oroz (recommended by Marty T)

97. Growing Wings: A View from Inside the Cocoon by Kristen Jongen (recommended by Marty T)

98. Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss and Bold Living by Nancy Sharp (recommended by Marty T)

99. Happily Even After: A Guide to Getting Through (and Beyond) The Grief of Widowhood by Carole Brody Fleet (recommended by Marty T)

100. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller (recommended by Anne)

101. Leaning Into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief by Elaine Mansfield (recommended by Marty T)

102. Stunned by Grief: Remapping Your Life When Loss Changes Everything by Judy Brizendine (recommended by Marty T)

103. On My Own by Diane Rehm (recommended by mfh)

104. About Grief: Insights, Setbacks, Grace Notes, Taboos by Ron Morasco and Brian Shuff (recommended by scba)

105. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman (recommended by kayc)

106. Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief by Tom Zuba (recommended by Marty T and Rochestergal)

107. On Loss and Living Onward: Collected Voices for the Grieving and Those Who Would Mourn With Them by Melissa Dalton-Bradford (recommended by Teresa Bruce)

108.  Gaining Traction - Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner by Peggy Panagotacos (recommended by iPraiseHim)

109. Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times by Deborah S. Derman (recommended by Marty T)

110. Grief Diaries: How to Help The Newly Bereaved by Linda Cheldelin Fell, et al (recommended by KATPILOT)

111. Grief Diaries: Loss of Health by Linda Cheldelin Fell (recommended by Anne)

112. Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss: Daily Meditations for Those Who Are Grieving by Ashley Davis Bush (recommended by Maryann)

113. The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse by Richard L. Mabry (recommended by iPraiseHim)

114. A Gift of Love: A Widow’s Memoir by Linda Della Donna (recommended by Anne

115. Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert (recommended by Marty T)

116. Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment by Marianne Williamson (recommended by Anne)

117. Grief Is A Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss by Kenneth J. Doka (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

118. Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss by Samuel J. Hodges and Kathy Leonard (recommended by Anne)

119. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi (recommended by Marty T)

120. Grief One Day At A Time: 365 Meditations to Help You Heal After Loss by Alan Wolfelt (recommended by Marg M)

121. The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide by Brandy Lidbeck (recommended by Marty T)

122. Being There for Someone in Grief: Essential Lessons by Marianna Cacciatore (recommended by Marty T)

123. Grief Diaries: Through The Eyes of Men by Fell, Jones and Hochhaus (recommended by Marty T)

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429

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Mike, Thank you for the book recommendations. I'll check them out. A friend of my husband sent me ---Rebuilding by Bruce Fisher. Structured for rebuilding a life after divorce, but it is recommended for any loss. The friend has read the book himself and thinks highly of it. I haven't read it all the way through myself yet. Like you mention, the full attention span isn't up to speed.

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"Me, My Grief & I" - Mark Alexander

https://www.amazon.com/Me-My-Grief-LIFE-GOES/dp/1539845265

I grabbed this because it was $6 on Kindle, figured it'd be a quick comforting read. It is basically a memoir of Mark and the loss of his partner. He expresses all of the grief feelings we are all too familiar with on this forum. He talks of feeling suicidal, feeling worthless, and feeling the completely empty feelings that we all feel.

It doesn't offer as much in the way of practical advice other than telling you what Mark himself did in his darkest moments, but it does offer at least some comfort because it helps us acknowledge that our feelings are real, and our feelings are normal and appropriate. Even though it's just a written memoir, it still gives you a sense of "I'm not alone in my suffering". Mark does eloquently describe his feelings of loss and his slow, slow journey to recovery. 

It won't give you a quick fix or a happy pill. But it will at least occupy some of your time and help you think more deeply about your own grieving and feelings. The fact is that everyone grieves differently, so Mark's journey of grief is certainly going to be very different than your own. But it's still just nice to know that, even though these feelings are horrible and quite possibly the most negative feelings the human spirit can feel, at least there have been others who have suffered - and pulled through.

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On 11/02/2017 at 1:23 AM, soundmankeysman1 said:

The second book I've read was "When your Soulmate Dies, A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning" by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.  This is a smaller book which only has 150 pages.  The book explains that the loss of a soulmate is the greatest loss one can experience.  Soulmate love is the biggest, most intense love/relationship one can have; and the grieving from losing your soulmate is much more involved than previously expected.  He says it takes what he calls "heroic mourning" to heal from this type of loss.  He talks about the need for evaluating/experiencing the six heroic mourning needs: 1. Acknowledge your soulmate's death.  2. Embrace the pain of the loss  3.  Remember your soulmate  4. Develop a new self-identity  5. Search for Meaning  6. Receiving ongoing support from others.   This book is mostly about soulmates; and the author is very understanding about the bonds that are involved with soulmates; and the extreme devastation in the loss of a soulmate.  He outlines a plan of action for healing this tremendous loss.  I also recommend this book.

As I read more, I will update.  I hope this helps somebody; the books have helped me.

Mike

Hi Mike,

I am an avid reader too, and the Wolfelt book sounds good for me - I'll ebay a copy. Could I just ask though if there's material in it about "moving on and letting go"? I've been disappointed by this focus in several books I've bought - it's inappropriate and hurtful for me - extremely so on my bad days, and I'm a bit gun-shy. It doesn't sound like that's what this author does but I just wanted to clarify.

Thanks (and thankyou also Kay for your list - just when I need to shower but I'll be back to hit those links ASAP ;) ).

Louise

 

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soundmankeysman1
1 hour ago, Mrs. Plummer said:

am an avid reader too, and the Wolfelt book sounds good for me - I'll ebay a copy. Could I just ask though if there's material in it about "moving on and letting go"? I've been disappointed by this focus in several books I've bought - it's inappropriate and hurtful for me - extremely so on my bad days, and I'm a bit gun-shy. It doesn't sound like that's what this author does but I just wanted to clarify.

Thanks (and thankyou also Kay for your list - just when I need to shower but I'll be back to hit those links ASAP ;) ).

Louise

Hi Louise,

After looking at the index quickly to make sure, I don't think he does talk much about that.  I know of only one place, where he briefly mentions moving on or not moving on; but the book is more focused on soulmates with deep commitments/love, and how they make the grieving much more intense.  And ways/steps to make it through the grieving/mourning process.  I liked the book.  I got another one of his I'm going to start on soon: Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart.  I'll write a review when I finish it.

Mike

PS  Being an avid reader at a time like this will surely help us, I believe.

 

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25 minutes ago, soundmankeysman1 said:

Hi Louise,

After looking at the index quickly to make sure, I don't think he does talk much about that.  I know of only one place, where he briefly mentions moving on or not moving on; but the book is more focused on soulmates with deep commitments/love, and how they make the grieving much more intense.  And ways/steps to make it through the grieving/mourning process.  I liked the book.  I got another one of his I'm going to start on soon: Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart.  I'll write a review when I finish it.

Mike

PS  Being an avid reader at a time like this will surely help us, I believe.

 

Thanks Mike so much. I'll grab a copy. I don't mind "moving on" when it refers to the deepest aspects of our pain, but I wish writers would clarify that this doesn't mean moving on from our loves, and indeed if it does mean moving on from pain, we will do that in our own sweet time. I get wary of books centered on "Stages of Grief" models because they're too bound up in "moving on" and an endpoint to our grief - or those other terms that rattle me - "closure" and "resolution". Pardon the rant - I heartily agree with you that bibliotherapy is helpful :)

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Sounds like a good one. I might grab it too.

I agree, "stages" to me is a bad thing because it tries to put our grieving into neat little packages. Like a recipe or a step-by-step guide. Grieving doesn't work that way. We all know the agony of feeling somewhat centered and "OK", only to suddenly, for no apparent reason sometimes, find ourselves again crying or having a panic attack. 

 

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I personally hate the term "moving on" so emphatically that it turns me off and away from whatever message they might be trying to impart.  I wish they could use a less offensive terminology that isn't off putting.  Words DO matter!

While there are definite stages, what they often don't tell us is that they aren't in any concrete order, some go through them all, some bypass many of them, and they can overlap, so it's definitely not neat little packages or a guide!  Nothing nice and neat about grief!

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soundmankeysman1---I ordered from ebay the 1st Wolfelt book you mentioned ,should arrive next week. I hope it has advice and tools different from other books in helping me cope with my loss. My husband and I knew we were soulmates and I'm thankful we had our 25 years together. This has been so rough adjusting to being alone without him. I've had many dark thoughts about joining my husband. I know it is an aspect of the grieving process and not something I would truly act on. Pain, broken heart, desperation, devastation can certainly try to lure you down that dark path. I feel in my heart that my husband is still with me spiritually and I have to continue my life where he had to leave off at.

Thank you, Mike, for being here and offering your comfort and encouragement, recommendations, despite your own grieving journey. Bless you.Your wife is proud of you.

 

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soundmankeysman1

Hi KMB,

 

I hope you like it.  Soulmates are different; the grieving more intense, I believe.  This book gives credence to that, and that felt good to reaffirm.  

I think my wife would be proud; and wouldn't have thought about that unless you had mentioned it, which you did.  Thank you for that.

 

Mike

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Mike---No thanks needed, but appreciated. Not many people get the soulmate angle of a relationship. The support group mediator has labeled me as having *complex grief*.That I am simply refusing to letting go and moving on. I hate those words. She has never been married herself and doesn't quite understand the soul mate aspect. To her, it's just grieving---you find some one to marry, have a life, they die, you grieve for a spell and move on. I had a hard time explaining to her that what my husband and I had between us was a whole lot more than a simple union. Our hearts and souls are entwined forever. He struggled so hard not to leave me. We were co-dependent on each other through our years. We were each other's priority. Intense grieving equals intense love. It's gratifying that there are resources becoming available that affirm this.

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I picked up the Wolfelt book myself. I am only starting it, but so far it sounds like a good read. It doesn't presume to tell you that you need to get over your lost love, or that you should move on. It does call our grief "complicated" but acknowledges that this is simply a fact, not something to be stigmatized.

For most of us, we loved our partners very very deeply. We were codependent on them. We shared nearly all aspects of our lives with them. We exposed our darkest and most guarded inner selves. We risked everything to them, and they all accepted us anyway, faults and all, and we built and lived strong relationships. 

The book points out a few times that the magnitude of our grief is a direct consequence of the depth of our love. We hurt so intensely because we love so intensely. Some of us may have faced other losses and not grieved as deeply or as strongly. The book lets you know that this is normal, that just because you didn't feel quite as bad when a parent, sibling, pet, friend, etc. died is not a bad thing. Losing someone you love very deeply will always hurt more than any other grief.

Our society tends to be putting a huge emphasis on individuality, at the expense of togetherness. Codependency is seen as unhealthy. People want individual attention, rather than group attention. Some people postpone marriage because they don't want to be "someone's better half" but want to be whole on their own. Because of this, when someone we are very close to passes, people tend to think it should be easy to grieve and move on because, after all, you should already have your own identity, and if you were tightly connected to the person who died that means your relationship was apparently unhealthy and thus the grief is unhealthy.

This book will help you understand that being a soulmate, or for that matter just loving someone very deeply and sharing your lives, is something beautiful. The grief you feel is not unhealthy. It is a natural response to the immense closeness you felt with the person who died. 

On top of that the book helps give you a plan to work through grief, with plenty of tips and ideas for how to "heroically grieve". It is all about facing your grief head on, letting everything you feel happen, not trying to resist or postpone it. Let yourself hurt. Let yourself cry. Let yourself hurt. But conversely, let yourself smile, let yourself laugh, and let yourself feel happy when you can. Don't force anything. Let your mind and body process the grief. This might mean letting yourself be weak. And that's ok.

For me the book helped validate the need to remember my beloved. Deliberately trying not to think of her, even the good times, is useless. It taught me that I need to remember her, in all of her glory and even her shame. To remember everything about her and to get lost in those thoughts is part of grieving. There's a difference between using memories as a crutch to stay in the past and using memories to help grieve.

I might have more to write later as I keep reading, but I do recommend the soulmate book even if you didn't necessarily think of your love as a "soulmate." 

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Thankyou, Fzald - I have ebayed the Wolfelt book, and it sounds very promising from your post :)

KMB, like you, I feel worn out with trying to make people understand that my husband wasn't just a romantic partner, but so much more - a core part of me. Nothing complicated about that - I think there needs to be less pathologising of people's grief, and I note with interest that while continuing bonds with our deceased was once considered pathological (at least in Western culture), it's becoming more widely accepted. And at the end of the day, who cares what others think? This is your journey. It's been - what - about 5 months for you? Complicated, my ass. I really struggle with the notion that of our grief is intense for more than x amount of months, it's "wrong." It also sets up the idea of a timetable, and people may feel that they've "failed." I'm still crying myself silly after 3 and a half months.

Kay, I'm much like you - I try to  caution myself not to throw babies out with bathwater, but the moment I encounter "move on" I don't really want to take in any more of what that writer has to say. I've been burned by a few books I picked up that actually turned out to be full of it. Yuck, I hate it. I read Ashley Davis Bush's "Transforming Loss", and she does have some valuable stuff on continued bonds and how grief may impact for perhaps the rest of our lives. But there was still a lot of "Let Go and Move On" and "Reinvesting" and "New Life" stuff, so that did mar it somewhat for me.

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Mrs. Plummer---My heart goes out to you, to all of us. We are dealing with loss, overtly extreme loss. Loss of the other half of our souls, our hearts. We lost the identity we carried so proudly. I already had someone mention to me a few days ago that I'll be fine in another 6 months, takes about a year. How do they know where I am going to be in this process? I don't even know where I am going to be. I don't even know where I am at now. I've found myself stuck into a daily routine that I know is not me. I wanted so badly to tell this person off, but I didn't. She lost her mom over 4 years ago and maybe she was doing better herself after a year.

The only life I knew was the one I lost. I do feel like I am failing myself because of the person I used to be. But I am not that same person now. I don't want to fail my husband either. I am certain though, that if he were here in my shoes, God forbid, that he would understand how extremely hard this process is.

Like you said, this is our own journey. We do this our way. I live alone. I don't have to worry about putting on a facade for anyone. My grieving, suffering the loss of my soulmate is going to be a life long process.

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I've been reading "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair. It's a book written for those dealing with sudden death.

It is quite good. It gives some practical advice on grieving, but the book also seems to "get it" and will really speak to us grievers. The author clearly understands the immense feelings and emotions and mood swings of grief, and helps you realize that these feelings are not only OK, but necessary. It's OK to want to call in sick, it's OK sometimes to just do nothing for a day, it's OK to break down at any time of day for any reason that may not seem logical. 

The book has many chapters that will apply to anyone grieving sudden losses but also has chapters which are specific to certain loss cases. There is one chapter on loss of a partner.

Still reading but so far it's at least a little soothing. It doesn't seem to try too hard to "solve" your grief, but rather is more like a friend who gets it and validates the feelings you are having. At the same time it tries to reassure you that you will eventually be more OK, but of course you will never stop missing the person and for the rest of your life you may have random moments of grief that come out of seemingly nowhere. 

It also explores the possibilities of new relationships and the challenges that come from that. 

So far I do recommend it.

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On 2/13/2017 at 11:11 PM, Mrs. Plummer said:

Kay, I'm much like you - I try to  caution myself not to throw babies out with bathwater, but the moment I encounter "move on" I don't really want to take in any more of what that writer has to say. I've been burned by a few books I picked up that actually turned out to be full of it. Yuck, I hate it. I read Ashley Davis Bush's "Transforming Loss", and she does have some valuable stuff on continued bonds and how grief may impact for perhaps the rest of our lives. But there was still a lot of "Let Go and Move On" and "Reinvesting" and "New Life" stuff, so that did mar it somewhat for me.

Mrs. Plummer,

I also don't like the terms "move on" and "let go". I feel like those do the opposite of what we need - they encourage us to devalue the relationship we had and bury it underneath some artificial sense of "reinvested new life". 

While it's true that we will someday have to build a new life, to reinvest in ourselves, that doesn't mean we have to let go of what we had. There's healthy ways to stay connected. I've read at least two books now that both have entire chapters dedicated to how to maintain a sense of connection with our lost loved ones. Nothing can bring them back to us. But we don't have to let the memory die with their body. You don't "move on". You co-exist with loss, as others have said. You don't put the loss "behind you" because it is always going to be a part of who you are, just like most every other experience in life. I have been in love before, before the girl I just lost, and even though those relationships did not work out they still are a part of who I am today. My lost love is likely to become the most profound, significant part of who I am today. Right now I still hurt all over, I still can't get through a single day without constant crushing and painful memories, but I hope that this is just a way of re-affirming just how much she meant to me and how much a part of me she was and still is. 

Don't let go. Don't move on. Instead, embrace the feelings. Be sad when you need to. As long as you take care of basic needs, like everyone else says, do what you need to do. Take days off, spend a day or two doing absolutely nothing but reading and crying. If going through photos or whatever helps, do it. If it hurts to do it, don't do it, put them away but don't throw significant things out, save them for another day. Someday I hope we will all find peace and clarity. For some, maybe we won't find it until it is our turn to pass on and hopefully learn the truth about life and death. But maybe for some of us, we'll find true peace and clarity while we're still earthbound, and will learn to live alongside grief, alongside the emptiness and the loss. That's all we can hope for now.

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soundmankeysman1

Hi Everyone,

I've just finished the book "Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart -  100 Practical Ideas After Your Husband or Wife Dies" by Alan. D. Wolfelt.  I read and reviewed another of his books in my first post on this thread.  There are 110 pages in this small book; and each page has one of the hundred ideas for getting through this grief journey.  Some of the ideas are new, some we've heard before; but all put in an easy format for our focus/concentration impaired minds.  The bottom of each page has a "carpe diem"/seize the day suggestion pertaining to the information on that particular page.  It's kind of like the first book I read/reviewed on grief, Healing through Loss by Martha Hickman, but shorter.  These kinds of books can be picked up and read from any page and make sense; so they make good books to have laying around accessible.  The cost was 10 dollars on Amazon, and I don't regret it.  Here's the link if you would like to see the book...https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Spouses-Grieving-Heart-Practical/dp/1879651378

 

Mike

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soundmankeysman1------I've barely begun the Wolfelt book, When a Soulmate Dies.  If you don't mind my asking, how have these books helped you on this unwanted journey?

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soundmankeysman1
2 hours ago, KMB said:

soundmankeysman1------I've barely begun the Wolfelt book, When a Soulmate Dies.  If you don't mind my asking, how have these books helped you on this unwanted journey?

Hi KMB,

I would say yes, they have helped.  It's hard to say how much; but I sincerely believe they are helping on some level.  Any way you look at it, it's a hard journey/reality we're on; and anything that can illuminate I believe helps.  These books help me in realizing things that my vision is too clouded with grief to see on my own: Things I could do, reasons I feel a certain way, why others feel different, expectations, making it through the day, etc.  They explain grief in a way I never understood before.  I am still struggling too; but these books take the edge off sometimes.

 

Mike

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