Hello to you all

[Janice 252]

Hi everyone. I haven't been posting lately but I have been reading and you are all in my prayers. Everyone here is so supportive and for me KMB and KayC basically kept me from going mad when I found this site last October. Many many thanks. I'd like to say I'm coping better but it wouldn't be true. I do what I have to do to get through each day. I force myself to eat , sleep badly and have no motivation whatsoever. I occasionally get moments when I feel centred (for lack of a better word). But they're few and far between and as for actually feeling happy or even at peace - that's a long way off if ever. My birthday  was on Saturday and my lovely daughters had planned a day out for us all. Then the nursing home where my mum is, phoned to say that she had a chest infection and was being taken to hospital. So we spent the day in A&E waiting for them to find her a bed. And of course who came in but the paramedic who had come out to Bill on the day he died. My daughter asked me if I was sure it was him. How could I possibly forget that face or the words he said. That was the moment this nightmare started. I know I'm luckier than some in that I have a wonderful family and supportive friends. I also found a monthly friendship group (run by a local charity). It takes me 2 hours and 2 trains to get there but we can cry together and try to laugh together and I really appreciate their company . I tried some private counselling but I think Kay is right -it has to be a grief counsellor. I'm waiting for that through the same charity. Hopefully it will help. For those of you who are coping alone I send you my prayers and lots of hugs.

[KMB]

Janice 252---Thank you for coming back and letting us know how you are doing. Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she recovers. Sending prayers. You are blessed in having family and friends supporting you. That they continue to do so is a blessing that you can cherish. Happy Belated Birthday.

I'm in the same place you are. Not really coping better but just doing what I can to get through another day, another night and on it goes. Once in a while, some kind of resolve emotion kicks in, this inner voice telling me, you are on your own now, get your crap together. I'll manage to get one or two things accomplished and then I sink to the bottom of the pit. It is going to take a long time, if ever, that I might get all the way out of the pit.

Hang in there, Janice. Keep going to your friendship group and hopefully an opening with a grief counselor happens for you soon. Prayers and hugs.

[KayC]

Janice,

I'm so glad to hear from you!  You've been in my thoughts and prayers often.  I'm sorry your mom is going through so much, what a bum birthday.   Happy Belated Birthday.  

I hope you can get a grief counselor soon, and I hope you get GOOD one.  I'm so glad to hear of the friendship group, that sounds wonderful!  That is part of the self care we all need!

I started the Grief Support Group last week, it's hard, I only hope it's of help to those attending.  I wish there was something like the group you're going to here.

[Janice 252]

Hello ladies. Lovely to hear from you both. Kay -I hope the support group helps you all. When I'm feeling really low I think of all the people I know both on here and in my group who are suffering too. Most people in my group are 3 or 4 years into this sad journey and it is hopeful to see that they have managed to create a new life for themselves. It's a different sort of life and certainly nothing they would have chosen but nevertheless they seem to be able to laugh again as well as cry. I pray I get there sometime. 

KMB - I hope you're coping with this bad winter weather and your animals are giving you comfort.

My mum was in hospital for 5 days and then they discharged her to the nursing home without telling me! I only found out when I went to visit her. She was only back for 2 days. Yesterday she was very unresponsive so was taken back to hospital and after 5 hours in A&E they decided to send her back to the home as all her vitals were normal. I think the chest infection has really knocked her for six. She was a bit better today though so hopefully on the mend. I seem to have spent all my time in hospitals which has been the norm with my mum for the last 4 or 5 years but I always came home to Bill. He would have made me something to eat and let me talk and everything became ok again. Now I come home to a cold lonely house and I am so sad. It's a stormy night here so I'm going to head to my safe place i.e. in bed, doors locked cup of tea and find some mindless tv to watch. I honestly think it's my happiest place at the moment. Take care. Stay safe. Sending love and prayers xx

[Zara19]

HELLO JANICE 252

I have just been reading your post history and many of them describe the same pain and distress that I am experiencing.  A day after my birthday in early October 2016. I sadly and traumatically lost my husband.  He had had a massive heart attack on New Year's Day 2016 and survived, we thought we were so lucky but fast forward 10 months and he passed away from a sudden cardiac arrest resulting from Congestive Heart Failure.  He had been sent home with EOL care with weeks to live but these weeks turned out to be hours and I was alone and frightened.  I still dwell on the if only/what if scenarios. I still dwell on the NHS failings in his care.  I am totally defeated, totally broken and am very much worse than the early days.  I feel like I am in an alien existence and this world is too big and overwhelming to me.  I feel like a spoilt brat when I internally claim it's not fair - but it isn't.  I know I have neither accepted nor processed what's happened and it feels like I am waiting, in limbo - but for what?  Thank you if you have read this post and I truly wish you the very warmest of regards.  Tina.

[fzald]

Zara,

What you described - a lucky break, followed not long after by the horrible tragedy - made me think about my own girlfriend and her condition. I did some reading on exactly what it was that took her life, and at her age, the overwhelmingly vast majority of people experiencing such a horrible end either had a very traumatic head injury (she didn't), or it was hereditary, unlikely to be detected unless someone actually took the time to do a CT scan at the right time. Additionally, those who survive tend to have an extremely high rate of recurrence. I even found an article where a girl wrote about her fiance who survived a brain aneurysm, only to die of another one a few months later - and this was with regular checkups because the doctors obviously knew he was high risk.

The funny thing is, this knowledge strangely gives me the tiniest amount of comfort. Because it means that this may have simply been her fate. There's nobody to blame. I can let go of some of my own guilt, as well as anger towards her. She didn't do anything to cause it. Nothing she ever did was going to put her at more or less risk of the condition, because it was hereditary and, as sad as it may be, might have just been her destiny... It doesn't mean I don't want her back, and it doesn't mean that had I had the chance even to have a few more months with her, that I wouldn't have taken it in a heartbeat. But it does mean that I can realize she, unfortunately, was not likely to have made it much longer anyway, and that this was simply going to be her, and our, fate... 

Of course this does nothing to make me feel less sad or to miss her less. Regardless of whatever hereditary, unforeseeable and unpredictable condition she may have had, she was a true kind soul, a happy, life-loving, bubbly, high-spirited girl, who lived the life she had to the fullest. I have the knowledge within me that I helped her through some of her darkest times and gave her the chance to have a relationship with a man who truly loved her and who she could truly love. I'd still give anything for her to be here, in my arms, sharing this life with me, because that's what I wanted for her. I helped her see the light in life, and I wanted to keep that light shining even brighter and brighter for her. I wanted to be everything for her. 

Janice, I can only imagine what you must be going through, also having to deal with your mom's health issues. I feel for you, I really do. I have to admit that I would be even worse off without my mom right now. My dad passed away three years ago, also suddenly and without any warning. My girlfriend was there for me and my mom, to help both of us through it, and even sang beautifully at my dad's funeral. The paradox is that at the time I need my girlfriend's support most, is the time she can't and never will be able to be here for me in person ever again. 

Janice, keep posting here to let us know how you are, or if you just need to vent or cry or rant. Nobody will judge you here. We are all going through our own grief, but we can at least do it together, support each other and try, together,  to find that ever so dim light at the end of the dark tunnel.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Zara19 said:

 I know I have neither accepted nor processed what's happened and it feels like I am waiting, in limbo - but for what?

You are trying to absorb what's happened, it's a lot to take in and it processes very slowly.  You're handling this as normally as any of us can.  It's good to have a safe place to just "be".

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Janice 252 said:

My mum was in hospital for 5 days and then they discharged her to the nursing home without telling me! I only found out when I went to visit her.

Unbelievable!  I think I'd go shake up somebody, but that may not be your way, I just find it appalling that they were so uncommunicative.  They should have taken your input into consideration, which is hard to do being as they didn't seek it.

I hope your mum starts doing better.

[KMB]

Janice 252---I agree with KayC regarding your mom's care. Thank you for keeping us posted regarding her and yourself. I hope and pray that your mom recovers.

Hang in there Janice. We each have our personal dark cloud of grief over our heads, but we need to stick together and give out virtual hugs to keep us going.

[KMB]

Zara19---Stuck in limbo---waiting. That is what it amounts to for me also. Early Saturday morning will be the 6 month mark for me. I find it hard to believe that time line. How is it I am still breathing? It's the hardest ordeal to keep putting one foot in front of the other during the day. Sometimes I hide out in our bed during the day when I feel myself falling apart and I certainly escape to that bed at night, sometimes too early, but who cares? I am handling my loss my way and my pets are right there to give me comfort.

Like KayC said, you are still absorbing what happened. You go over the what ifs. I have to keep telling my mind to stop going there. Can't go back in time to change anything. Accepting reality is a huge hurdle to get over and I am starting to get over that hurdle. You will to. Our minds and hearts need time for processing. I miss my husband every second, as I'm sure you do too, and we have no choice but to get through each day the best we can. My prayers of comfort go out to you.

[Zara19]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

Zara19---Stuck in limbo---waiting. That is what it amounts to for me also. Early Saturday morning will be the 6 month mark for me. I find it hard to believe that time line. How is it I am still breathing? It's the hardest ordeal to keep putting one foot in front of the other during the day. Sometimes I hide out in our bed during the day when I feel myself falling apart and I certainly escape to that bed at night, sometimes too early, but who cares? I am handling my loss my way and my pets are right there to give me comfort.

Like KayC said, you are still absorbing what happened. You go over the what ifs. I have to keep telling my mind to stop going there. Can't go back in time to change anything. Accepting reality is a huge hurdle to get over and I am starting to get over that hurdle. You will to. Our minds and hearts need time for processing. I miss my husband every second, as I'm sure you do too, and we have no choice but to get through each day the best we can. My prayers of comfort go out to you.

KMB. Thanks so much for your thoughts and comments.  if, If, If - it's too much for a human soul to bear.  Take care and look after yourself KMB.  I can see you are suffering yourself so much.

[Janice 252]

Hello to you all and thank you for all your support . It means so much to me. Unfortunately mum is now back in hospital and very unresponsive. I think the chest infection has accelerated her dementia and she doesn't really recognize me any more. To be honest I could not wish for her life to continue in this way and if God has decided to call her home , I will be extremely sad but she has enjoyed a good long happy life and I could come to terms with it. It's 5 months today since I lost Bill and everyone thinks I am coping so well. I wish! I'm back looking after the grandchildren , have bought a new car and don't turn down any invitations I get. I can understand how it might look but like most of you I'm leading some kind of double life. Tonight I have cried and cried. Like you all,  my head is full of what ifs and whys and so much guilt .I know it's misplaced and so destructive and ultimately won't change anything but it's hard not to go there. I told one of the paramedics who had attended mum -I seem to need to tell everyone -even strangers. He was worried that I might get upset but as I told him the grief is with me 24/7 so of course I can talk about it. My friendship group is on Monday so hopefully I'll feel a bit better after that. As I've said most of them are well into this sad journey and believe it or not they can be quite a jolly bunch. I hope you're all finding your own way of coping and getting some comfort wherever you may find it. Love hugs and prayers to to you all xx

[KMB]

Hi Janice, Thank you for coming back in and letting us know you are still with us. I'm sorry about your mom being back in the hospital. I pray that she recovers, you do not need another loss to cope with. It does sound good that you are in an emotionally stable frame of mind if God does choose to take her home. . But we all know the different type of loss when it comes to spouses/partners. It is a whole lot more personal, intimate and devastating. Your grandchildren must bring some degree of joy into your life. Bill would want you to continue on and enjoy the children. Young, innocent lives have a way of getting us to smile, to help open our closed, hurting hearts. Keep going to your friendship group, treat them as an extension of your family.

I understand about the *double life*. We are sad and hurting on the inside. People cannot see that. They see our outside, that persona that we have to present to the world just to make it easier for us until we can get home and let out our real selves. If we dared to be our real selves in public, we all would find ourselves strapped to a hospital bed.

Love and prayers also to you, Janice, and to your mom.

[KayC]

Janice,

It seems your plate is over-full.  My mom had dementia too, I know the journey.  I'm sorry you're going through this at the same time as loss of your husband.  I'm glad you have grandchildren around...I traveled to see mine yesterday but they put her down for a two hour nap right after I got there and then there was a house full of people so it's not the same as seeing them one on one.

Yes, we all know "the double life".   You're in my prayers and your mom also.

[Janice 252]

Thank you KMB and Kay. I hope you're both coping with the harsh winter. My back garden is full of snowdrops which lifts me a little. 

I always worried how little i cried when Bill died. The tears just didn't come.  Well I'm making up for it now. It just seems to be constant. I knew it would happen sometime so I'm just going with it until I feel a bit stronger. Mum is doing a little better according to the drs though I still think she looks really ill. Hopefully she'll be back in the nursing home soon. The hospital  is 30 mins away by motorway and the car parking can be horrendous so the journey alone always stresses me out. 

Today started off bad and has gone downhill. First a warning light came on my new ( 5 day old!!)  car. Drove to church with it on (no doubt a mistake) Hasn't come on since so I'll phone the dealer tomorrow. Our ministers service was all about the human touch and particularly  married couples and how they should treat each other. He even asked couples to stand up and hold hands while he prayed for them. Talk about sticking the knife in! He said he will cover everyone in subsequent weeks but I just sat and sobbed all through the services . Thankfully I have a good friend who sits beside me and she is always a great support. Then I came home,went to do mum's washing only to find my washing machine is not working. It's 5.15 here but I honestly think I'll just go to bed and hope I feel a bit stronger tomorrow. It's my day tomorrow for the friendship group I go to and I'm not really feeling up to it but I'll make myself go. Everyone understands if I just sit and cry . I've just realised that it was exactly 5 months ago on a Sunday evening at this time that the paramedics were here trying to bring Bill back. Oh how I wish the outcome had been different .But it wasn't and this is what I have to cope with. Thinking of you all. Sending love and prayers and hugs xx

[KMB]

Janice 252---So sorry! Just go with your feelings and express them. Crying is not just an emotional release, it is also physical. It gives the body an outlet for the pain, the stress that gets built up.

Sorry you are having a bad day. I think everyday is bad. Some days are worse. Some are so-so. My husband doesn't have to suffer with his health issues anymore. He doesn't have to deal with this life. I am the one stuck here and managing without him. I have to somehow carry on because he can't. I have to pull myself together and stumble through this journey for myself and for him.

You'll get through this too, Nads. Love and prayers to you.

[KayC]

Janice,

I'm so sorry you're going through all this AND new car problems and washing machine problems too!  It's hard when everything hits at once.  The car problem should be the dealership's problem, not yours and the washing machine, hopefully you can get a repairman out to fix soon.  If you have anything wet in it, wring it out and hang it so it doesn't mildew, my GF just went through that and lost the whole load because she let it sit all week waiting for someone to come.  

I'm glad you're going to go ahead and go to your friend group, they'll all understand if you cry, it's okay.

[Janice 252]

Hello everyone. Haven't had the strength to post for some time but I read all the posts and am sending big thanks to all the wonderful supportive people who reply and give comfort to us all. It's nearly 6 months now since I lost Bill and I think this has been my worst day yet. It doesn't get easier. If I have a busy day I am at least distracted for a while but then I have a day like today and it is beyond bearable. I still say to myself - did this really happen? How could it? Everything in this house is ours not mine. We'll never enjoy a BBQ again in the garden Bill created. Everything seems so pointless. Even all the photos, the diaries were all about our life not mine. I'm exhausted with grief, with visiting my mum in Hospital who doesn't even know I'm there and now my daughter tells me her partner will be declared bankrupt next week. It's only 6.30 here but I am planning to go to bed now. Thankfully I do sleep but always dread waking up tomorrow morning. If I don't feel sick then, that's a bonus. The misery is enough on its own. Sorry for such a negative post but we all know how hard it is to find any positivity in our situation. Love and prayers to you all x

 

 

[ModHerc]

Janice 252,

I haven't had the chance to talk to you yet, so let me start by saying how incredibly sorry I am for you and your two daughters loss.  Bill seems like a wonderful man, and I know how difficult it can be.  The continual stress and pressure of it keeps hitting me as well.  I miss everything we did together, and just want her to be here to share in new experiences.

I'm also sorry you have the issues with your mother and your daughters partner.  You're absolutely right, we have more than enough to deal with already.  I hope you get some relief from the constant pressures soon.  I agree completely with KMB and KayC, cry when you need to.  I am a big burly guy that works with a bunch of macho truck drivers, and I still cry whenever I feel like it.  Wishing you peace and comfort,

Herc

[Janice 252]

Herc Thank you so much for your kind words. Bill and were together for nearly 50 years. We met at school and there was never anyone else for either of us. I spent every day of my adult life with and while I appreciate that not everyone gets that long I still stupidly thought we would grow old together. Bill was a big burly guy too and I know he would have shed tears for me and to hell with what anyone else thought. I hope you have some peace too. 

[ModHerc]

Janice,

You are more than welcome.  I wish Christine and I had longer but we were only blessed with 12.  They were all wonderful moments as I am sure yours with Bill were.  Being together for 50 years presents it's own problems.  Your entire life was built with and around him, and I am sure in addition to your loss, the unbelievable change to your daily existence must be traumatic.  In the end it all boils down to none of us had enough time, they were all taken too soon.  Together we can remember what wonderful people they were though, and maybe find some of that peace.  Please come cry with us when you need to,

Herc

[Janice 252]

Thank you Herc. I know the length of the years is not relevant. When you have loved someone as you obviously loved Christine your grief is the same. I'm an only child and have been my mother's carer for many years and there have been very difficult times. When I came home Bill was always there to listen. I didn't want answers - there aren't any - but he let me offload -and then made me a cup of tea! I miss that support so much. I hope you don't mind but I looked at your profile and you and Bill would have got on so well. He taught me how to play chess when we were eighteen. He played computer games (and board games) with a group of friends he had known for over 30 years. But the big love of his life (just after me) was American Football. Although we're in the UK, Bill was brought up in New Jersey and California so he was a big fan - and me too by default! That made me smile and I don't do that too often so thank you for that too. Take care J

[KMB]

Janice252---Relieved to see you are still with us. Your mom is still here, that must be a comfort, even though she doesn't recognize you. She does though. Her soul knows that you are still there for her and you love her. I'm sorry your daughter's partner is having problems. Things will work out.

It's not getting any easier on this end for me. I had a bad week. They are all bad but external happenings this week became overwhelming. I've gotten through the majority of it though. It is just so hard that my go to person, my center, my rock, is gone from this earth. I'm having issues with the accepting phase. My husband should still be here. He had 3 doctors, 2 of them specialists, who stated he had 2 or 3 more years. They were so wrong. but no matter their expertise, they are just mere humans also.

Hope you are able to sleep tonight and your weekend brings moments of peace and calm.

[Janice 252]

Lovely to hear from you KMB. I think we're both at that same stage. I thought I was doing quite well. There were days when the spring sunshine actually lifted me and I could smile. But in the last few days I seem to have sunk to the bottom again. I'm still asking - did this really happen ? Am I never going to see Bill again? I need a hug from him so badly. I'm sorry you're having other problems. Our grief is so enormous- it's enough to deal with without other issues. I hope things get easier for you. Sending love and prayers xx

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

Janice, I'm sorry you're feeling so low, you have a lot you're dealing with right now. 

I'm having a really difficult time right now too.  I went to meet my grandson yesterday, he was born early in the morning.  While there I discovered why my daughter hasn't answered the phone or replied to my texts since Christmas.  Her and her husband have been together nearly 17 years, been married 7 1/2 years, and have tried for years to have a baby...Christmas she announced happily that they were pregnant.  Well she lost the baby and she's unable to talk to anyone, so she's holed up with her husband, only doing what she has to do.

My heart is broken for her, for both of them, I wish I could hold her in my arms, but I'm unable to even talk to her, she won't answer, won't see any of us.  My grief is palpable for them, I poured out my heart to God, "WHY!"  I know with my head it does no good, yet "why" is all that would come.  I know there's no resounding answer, there IS no "why".  I pray they'll get pregnant again and this one will be healthy and strong and make it.  But at this point the future is unknown and all I can do is hold her up in prayer.  I don't feel like being around people, can't handle the small talk, everything feels insignificant in comparison.  I've been through this myself, I know what she's feeling, been there, done that!  I know the dark times of not knowing if you'll ever have a child...yet somehow it feels all the harder to see my DAUGHTER going through this, what I wouldn't wish for anyone.

[ModHerc]

KayC,

I am so sorry for you, and your daughter.  I wish I could offer more than hopes, but sometimes that is all we have.  I hope your daughter gets through her grief with the loving support of her family.  I know she isn't returning calls right now.  She may just need to be alone to get through it.  We all deal with grief differently as you know so well.

I also hope she has another child, healthy and beautiful.  With the loss this fresh, she probably isn't thinking of that immediately, but perhaps in time.  When she is ready, there are many resources for her to help both mentally and medically.  Your experiences and networking here will lend themselves to helping her if she reaches out to you.

As with so many situations we have found ourselves in, there are no words to help right now.  Know that you are cared for though.  In addition to my other hopes, I hope you discover a path through the pain and your worries and find some peace and comfort,

Herc

[KMB]

KayC--My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I can't imagine what you are going through. You have a new grandson, but you have to grieve a loss for your daughter. Your feelings, and hers, must be so conflicted. I"ll send prayers for your daughter and for you as well. I really don't know what else to say. You and your family are in my thoughts. I'm sorry.

[Janice 252]

Kay I am so sorry for you your daughter and son in law. This is a devastating time. We've been there too. My daughter has a little boy and although she knows how lucky she is to have him she would love another one. She has had 3 miscarriages and also failed IVF treatment. Each time we were filled with grief for that little life. That little baby who would have become part of your family and would be so loved. Your daughter is obviously coping with her loss in the only way she can but I totally understand how helpless you feel. I hope she will let you in soon and you can support her at this time. Having another new baby in the family will bring you joy but must be difficult for your daughter. You're all in my prayers. Sending love and hugs xx