New here. I have to share.

[Randall D]

Lost my partner/spouse of 31 years the beginning of January. Very sudden. He had many health issues and survived them all or over came in coping.

He was seeing several doctors (heart, kidney, Leukemia) for years and he was doing great.

His  Leukemia diagnosed in 2005 was beaten and never an issue.

His kidney cancer required removal of one kidney (2003) and that cured the problem.

He actually had a brain aneurysm in 2000, cause and source never determined, spent one month in ICU, fully recovered with no lasting effects.

He was truly the cat with nine lives. But what really kept him going was prayer, family, and as he always put it, my love for him.

He always told the family that it was me and our love that saved his life and pulled him through all the challenging times.

We were very close.

Not one day, not one single day and I mean not one single day went by without him telling me he loved me. Several times.

I always replied I LOVE YOU TOO. But frankly, inside I was thinking, "I know you love me and you know I love you. We show it in so many different ways every day. Sometimes I felt this was a given as to how much we loved each other. The what we felt in the heart meant more than saying words, but regardless he said the words several times, and I mean each and every day".

 

Then came that Saturday evening.

We were getting ready for our weekly routine of going out to eat, then to a movie.

Suddenly, I was calling 911 after the onset of chest pains came on.

And trouble breathing.

For us this was nothing really new.

In the past he had several small heart attacks, then stints placed, and he was good to go.

This same scenario was what I expected as we waited for 911 emergency to arrive at our home.

Little did I know he would be gone shortly after midnight.

 

It is so strange what goes through ones mind while sitting in the "QUIET-ROOM" at the hospital ER.

As with the times before, I expected all good news.

I said lots of prayers and believe we would get through this time as we had so many times before.

Stints, blockages repaired, then at most one or two days in the hospital to recover.

But not this time.

They did find three blockages that they did open, but his heart was simply too weak to maintain a beat after the procedure.

His heart already so weakened from all the other times. 

They worked on him for some time but a nurse came into the QUIET-ROOM to tell me they were getting nowhere and they had done all that they could.

They allowed me to go in and see him on the table, he was completely out of it, and non responsive to my touch and voice.

They had him on some kind of life support, some new technology I believe. Some new device placed thru arteries up into the heart that kept a blood flowing.

But the doctor told me he had nearly no blood pressure and they could not get or maintain a heart beat.

The monitor I glanced at showed a blood pressure of 30 over something. And there was no heart beat on the monitor, only a quivering line of sorts.

I was told he was basically already gone, and they wanted to know should they keep trying?

They had shocked him 4 times but unable to get a heart beat.

 

What was so terrible difficult to accept was that just hours earlier he was feeling great. We both were.

We both were energized, about to get ready for our Saturday night routine of dinner and a movie.

I could go on and on but I must stop with the details that took his life.

I just needed to put this down in writing.

I have found in the last few days that writing down my feelings and writing down questions I wish I could have ask my partner and loved one, wondering what possibly were his final thoughts, to the point he was still aware but unable to respond, what did feel the end was near?

 

We had our dogs. We loved and raise many American Eskimo dogs over the years.

We had some 17 over the 31 years we were together, and two cats.

Loving them as much as a parent love a child, and when our little pets passed away it was of old age.

Our pets, our kids knew they were loved. 

We had three dogs when he passed, all of them rescued from the pound and all three American Eskimos.

The bread very rate to find in a dog rescue.

Our dogs loved car rides. My life partner, my spouse took the doggies for car rides several times a day.

It was the high point for the dogs, and for us. But I admit more so for my partner.

Now, I am alone except for our current three dogs.

I truly do not know what I would do with myself or to myself if not for out little furry pets that need me.

 

And we lived across from a park.

Every night we had deer outside in the yard.

My partner was one of those loving people that kept bags of corn in the garage just to feed the deer.

The deer actually knew his car.

We both worked nights, and when his car drove along the street heading to the park, and to our house, the deer hiding on the woods along the drive would migrate towards our house.

The knew it was feeding time.

Deer, wild turkeys, squirrels, raccoons, we loved our little private park zoo outside our windows.

And all of the park critters kept fed and happy come Spring, Summer, Fall and especially during the hard Winters.

My partner was that kind of guy.

I always thought of him as a saint. A true angel send to me and changed my drool sad life into day in and day out excitement and wonder.

 

Now I am so terribly lost that words can not describe.

You all know who I mean.

There are no words to describe this pain. This feeling of loss and emptiness.

And I know that everyone posting here, coming to this forum, knows exactly what I mean.

Because you are going through this too. Trying to cope with such great loss in your heart just as I am.

 

My sister lost her high school sweetheart and spouse of some 40+ years just three years ago in a similar way.

It was in the morning and her hubby was getting ready for work when he simply died without any advance warning to him or to my sister.

I never realized just how much that hurt of loss can be until I lost my life partner.

Sis told me the hurt and pain of loss will get a little easier with time, but not all that easier.

 

I am still in the total shock mode.

Every day something simple, something so unexpected will bring me to tears.

I still feed the deer, buy the bags of corn, and while alone in the store loading up bags of corn into my cart, it suddenly hit me how we loved so much to shop together and doing the corn buying. And I loved to joke with my partner. Little things.

Little humorous off the wall comments that popped into my brain that always put a smile on his face and a chuckle in his throat.

It hit me while loading up those bags of corn into my cart that never again will we share those little moments. The humor. The laughter together. My nutty sense of humor he so enjoyed.

I could hardly keep from breaking down and crying right there at the check-out.

Something so simple hitting me at that moment. And as I walked to the car I had to wonder, how am I ever to continue on?

How does this ever get less painful? Is that even possible?

 

If any of you had known my partner, I can tell you that you would be in pain too.

He was one of those people that made everyone smile.

The waitress, the kid at the check-out, they all loved it when he was around.

We could not leave a restaurant after paying the bill without the waitress demanding a hug.

How many people can touch the life of another like that?

Yes, he was a true saint, angel, and always ALWAYS smiling!!!!

As my sister and I went through hundreds of photos for the picture boards we put together for the memorial service, we realized something.

We cold not find a photo, hardly a one where my partner, my love was not beaming with a big smile?

I realized something right then, that he really loved life and got every simple thing he could get out of life.

I always knew inside I never deserved such a blessing as him.

And that there are indeed angels sent down to this earth to make everyones life better.

My partner was exactly that, a true angel sent to me. 

 

He asked for nothing from others, but always did so much for others.

The simple things like sharing a smile, noticing their name tag, and addressing a waitress or clerk by name.

To make a joke, and always asking how their day was going.

His only desire was to cheer others up. Make they feel that they were someone special.

That could be a co-worker, or a waitress, or a clerk, or even that person standing next to him in line.

And again, I can tell you all who take the time to read this long story, that if you had known my partner you would too feel the terrible loss.

When someone like my partner, my angel leaves this earth then everyone says the world just became a bit darker.

 

I don't really know how this loss all plays out? 

How my loss and pain could ever get any lesser?

I remember how lonely and pointless I felt before my angel came into my life 31 years ago.

I never realized how painful this loss would truly become for me.

I guess I never really wanted to even imagine because I knew the loss would be so completely devastating. 

This was one of those marriages where one truly hoped they would go first, in a selfish manner, to avoid the pain of the loss of the other.

 

And like so many others here on the forum who I have read of their loss, my life now too seems so empty and the future so painfully barren.

Everything is like a fog. We go through our day with no direction, no feeling.

We feel so little joy, so little happiness, and at times little desire to even go on.

But somehow we know we must go on.

We must maybe for the sake of our kids, or for the sake of our pets, or for our family and friends that depend on us.

How we accomplish surviving such through unimaginable loss none of us really know at this point.

For one thing, I hope and pray that if such a great love and partner could come into my life, whether an angel sent from heaven or simply the luckiest day of my life, that this simply can not and must not be the end of our life together.

That just as the warm brilliant Sunrise appears on the horizon after the cold dark of night, that we both shall indeed be joined together once again. Come one glorious day.

 

I just have to believe that with such wonders of life and the beauty of life itself, most of that coming to us from out of nowhere never anticipated or expected, that there must be more.

That while I am left here temporally alone, and feeling so very lost feeling as if my soul were nearly ripped away, that there will come a time and a day when we both shall be reunited.

I guess that is my spiritual upbringing coming through.

That while I feel so lost and torn inside, that I dare not underestimate the good and wonder of creation itself or what may come again one day. 

If someone as incredible as my love, as my partner could be sent into my life, that I dare not short change the creator by thinking we both will not be reunited.

Like looking into the dark of night unbelieving there will indeed be a beautiful Sunrise breaking through come morning.

That Sunrise is hard to imagine when all is dark, cold, and empty.

And suddenly there it is, the Sunrise.

I must believe I will one day reunite with my angel.

I must believe in that.

[KayC]

I am sorry you lost your beloved husband...it sounds like your life together was utopia...it will be again, I truly believe that.  It's been nearly 12 years since I lost my husband with no warning.  He was in the hospital waiting for a 5 bypass heart surgery but his heart couldn't make it that long.  We never even knew he had heart problems until that weekend and I was gone that weekend.  I'd found out and made it to the hospital but never got to say goodbye, they booted me out and locked the door while they worked on him...they found me praying for him in a quiet little room...when I saw them coming I thought, "this is what a war veteran's wife feels like when they come to her door" and I screamed "NO!  NOT MY HUSBAND!!!"  He had just turned 51 and we were so happy together.

I'm glad you have your sister, you will be of great comfort to each other, it is a treasure to have someone you can share in this with.  I had a friend also widowed but she moved to another state and remarried.  People think I should be over it...you're never "over it", you just learn to live with it.  It doesn't stay in the same intensity thank God, but there never comes a day you stop missing them or they aren't on our hearts.

What you have written here is like a tribute to your husband...your life together.  I hope you'll print it out and keep it before it's lost in the forum...it's beautifully written

I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post, it does help to have others that understand.

One day at a time...

[KMB]

Randall D---Thank you for sharing your beautiful life of love with your husband. A good part of your story resonates with mine. We were so blessed that God chose us to love and care for our life partners. Our beloveds were called back home, by a loving God who needs them as angels .We are left in an empty, lonely void. There is a purpose to our lives yet, at least I hope so. I can only hope that this heartache, the constant pain of loss leads us to Heaven's door soon. I truly believe that all of us will be reunited with our loves for eternity.

You have your dogs to keep living for. They need you, they depend on you to give them the stability and care now that your other half is in Heaven. I know what you mean. I have a dog and cat here. We were our own little family of 4. Now that my husband is gone, I only have the pets to keep me going. What small family we have and friends have already moved on with their lives.

You were blessed to have found this forum. It is only through the kind, caring people here that you will find the understanding and comfort not to be had with family and friends who have never experienced the loss of a partner. This temporary separation from our partners is so very lonely, so painful. All we can do is breathe, keep putting one foot in front of the other, take it one day at a time. God must have known that we were stronger than our husbands, called them home first. For me, I could not stand the mere thoughts of my husband going through what I have been trying to cope with and will continue to do so. This journey of grieving will last our lifetime and It will be worth it just to be with my husband again in Heaven.

Prayers of comfort to you.

[Francine]

Randall D:

What an amazing story that mirrors my own. I'm so sorry and feel your pain.  My husband of nearly 45 years also had health issues that we were dealing with that produced good results.  We were thankful and grateful he was doing so well, and then that day - December 6, 2016 - my whole world changed - changed for the worst.  That man who was my whole world; that man who God designed specifically for me - that man who fathered my children - that man, who made my whole world complete - was now gone and wouldn't be coming back.  It is so strange how a single moment can change the world you used to know.   I didn't want to believe it and I'm still having difficulty accepting reality.  Like you, my husband and I were so much in love and wasn't afraid to tell one another so.   I am comforted in knowing when he left this world, he knew my love for him.  

It's so hard to be strong when you're broken. Life is too ironic to fully understand it.  It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence.  I know you miss your husband more than words can say and as time goes, I would suspect, the emptiness grows.    Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess.  Just breath and have faith that everything will work out for the best.  For yesterday is history, tomorrow, a mystery and Today, a gift.

When you're at your lowest, you feel abandoned, you're out of options and the pain is unbearable, know there's someone who loves you unconditionally. Someone you can go to any hour of the day - Almighty God.    HE cares for you and wants you to put your trust in Him as you face the most difficult time in your life as well as the future. HE will be your heart’s sure comfort, Counselor Divine, and friend; the coming days and years need not distress you, HE will guard you to the end.  Hold on to the love you and your husband shared, not the loss.

I get it, losing a husband hurts like hell and when my husband died, I died too, they just forgot to bury me. I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with him; I soon realized, he spent the rest of his life with me.  When I think about that, I smile because he loved me until the day he went away and will keep loving me until the day we're together again. 

While my heart is broken, I believe and trust in God's word.   Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

 I thank God for that man, MY man, the love and years we shared (that will always be), the good times; the bad times; the ups and the down.   I will miss  

The best I can give you at this time is prayer and I do gladly.  I pray you find that "Love" that Gods so graciously gives, that "Strength" that you need to make it through and that "Peace" that will settle your soul.  

I hope you continue to post.  There are a multitude of wonderful people who will not only share their stories, but continue to comfort and encourage you only this journey.  God Bless!

 

[KMB]

Francine---I admire all your words. We all have our individual love stories. Those stories are interwoven into this particular time of history of this earth. Such a huge legacy of love we are leaving behind for others to appreciate and learn from. I feel that is our purpose for being here, to love and pass it on down. Our beloved partners loved well and left this life sooner than what we expected. We have that love to cherish and honor by passing it down for others.

[Randall D]

Now I know it is true. Finding this forum was a blessing for me as KMD said.

While we only type and share to each other here on this forum, the the heart and soul behind the words are so very real.

I wish I could meet you all. Give each other a big hug.

So few people really understand, and for those with a loving relationship that do not or can not relate to the pain of such great loss, I can truly say I hope your time to experience that never comes. Like they say, I would not wish this onto my worst enemy.

Today I have felt much better after last night writing down my feelings and expressing my grief on this forum.

I did copy and save my post into the mini diary or better described as my ongoing letter to my loved one.

I find sitting down and writing out my thoughts, fears, and asking all of those questions I wish I could have asked my beloved partner before he left this world, that process of writing things down has help a lot.

I have wondered since we can no longer communicate to each other face to face, just maybe he does know or somehow can know how I feel by expressing in writing? Maybe the reason I feel more at peace after this writing process is his reaching out to me and giving his comfort.

Whatever it is, it does give me some temporary calm and peace of heart.

We are all in the same boat here. Having suffered great loss, and the challenge of coping day to day.

I must believe and I do believe that one day all this will make some sense. And I do believe one day we shall all be reunited with our loved ones.

Sharing on this forum, giving each other some support will be an ongoing privilege for me.

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. And just maybe one day we can actually give one another a big hug.

Wouldn't that be great?

 

 

[KMB]

We should make a pact that when we get to Heaven, we seek each other out and give that big hug for the support we gave each other here.

Writing is good therapy. I was writing letters to my husband for awhile. I stopped, don't know why, but I should go back to it. I wonder if he knows my thoughts while I write them down. It does bring a temporary calmness.

I'm still having a hard time adjusting to being alone. I've been having some rough days again. The reality must be sinking in further.

God help us all.

[KayC]

Let's count on it!  And meet each other's spouses as well...

[Francine]

Count me in!