Members twinmom2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 I lost my soulmate a month ago after a two year battle with cancer. We found out when our twins were four months old. After remaining positive, providing end of life care and keeping my kids going i find myself slipping these. I survive the days and just barely. Most mornings i weep uncontrollably until i have to get the kids up, and when they go to sleep the weeping returns. The days are long, the nights longer. Some nights I wander the house or find a shirt that still carries his smell to remember him. This is awful, how does anyone survive this? What is the point of all this pain and heartbreak? There are more questions then answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Andy Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 1 minute ago, twinmom2017 said: I lost my soulmate a month ago after a two year battle with cancer. We found out when our twins were four months old. After remaining positive, providing end of life care and keeping my kids going i find myself slipping these. I survive the days and just barely. Most mornings i weep uncontrollably until i have to get the kids up, and when they go to sleep the weeping returns. The days are long, the nights longer. Some nights I wander the house or find a shirt that still carries his smell to remember him. This is awful, how does anyone survive this? What is the point of all this pain and heartbreak? There are more questions then answers. Twinmom, I don't have the words, know that I wish I did. I'm so sorry, sorry for your grief and the coming days and weeks ahead. You'll slip, you'll fall, you'll lay down and weep. You'll hurt, experience pain and agony, despair that you'll find hard to believe a human can endure. But, you will. You'll find strength, you'll do what must be done. I can't tell you how, that's your journey, but you will. Take care of yourself, do not neglect your needs. Eat, fluid, plenty of sleep, find support and take advantage of appropriate help when needed. Your two little ones demand enough of your energy, now you have this. I lost my wife unexpectedly, so I imagine what your going through is different, everyone here has their own unique perspective, but even though you may feel alone, you aren't. I ask those same questions, why? What's the point of this? I had to abandon that line of questioning. For myself, it ultimately doesn't matter. Reasons and sense don't always apply. You won't ever "get over" this, and know that there is NO timetable to your grief, no "rules" about how you grieve. You do what you have to do. Be healthy and smart while in this dark place, but you feel the way you feel, and how you accept/cope/grieve, that's entirely your choice. Nights are the worst. I come home to an empty home. I'm about 5 weeks into this journey, this new reality, I cry everyday. I miss my wife every minute of everyday. This is what we do now. Remember though, we are still here. We are still alive and even though we don't want to, I believe we still have things to do. The people here are beautiful and filled with such kindness. The comfort and support you'll receive from these wonderful people can help, just post as often as you like, about anything, it's helped me greatly. I pray for your children, you, your family and may you find comfort and peace. Andy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sadaf Nazim Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 Twinmom You have gone through such a devastating loss. I am So sorry. I don't have any experience of a child. So I can't tell you anything. But there are others here who will advise you. I just want to say I am here for you. I understand your pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members B7176 Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 Twinmom2017, I wish I can offer you something that would comfort you but I can't. However I want you to know that you are not alone. I lost my boyfriend and the father of my small child a little over a month ago and it's unbearable. Stay strong for your little ones. They need you more than ever. I know you are trying your best and I'm sure you are doing a great job. Be kind to yourself! God Bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members His Monkey Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 Twinmom, I'm sorry for your loss, for the loss of everyone here. I have two grown daughters and they keep me going on the dark days when I don't know if I can even get out of bed. My beloved fiance will be gone three months next week, also from cancer. I don't know how I've made it this long, when it feels like it would have been better to die along with him, but I did, and you will too. My girls still need me, just like your babies need you. Be kind and gentle with yourself, it does get better. Not happy, not easy, not pretty, and not the way others expect it to be, but it somehow miraculously does become bearable. Please take care of yourself, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 8, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 Twinmom, I'm so sorry...cancer truly is dreadful. I'm glad you have your children, they will help keep you going because you must for them. I'm also glad you found this place, we understand, and just knowing someone else understands is of some kind of help. Keep reading and posting ... Like his Monkey said, be kind and gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself, give yourself the self care you need, take good care of yourself, it will be your best chance of getting through this. One day at a time, as you have been doing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 twinmom----There are no words to take away your pain and all the other emotions you are feeling. Just know that we all all here for you. We listen and understand. Cancer and all diseases should be wiped off this earth. I am so sorry your husband had to endure that battle and lost. He would have been fighting with everything in him for you and his twins. Two years is a long time to endure that battle and our physical bodies can only stand so much. Life can give us joys and it sure can bring us pain and sadness.. It is unfair and cruel. We will never know the answers to the many questions. Maybe when it is our time to leave this earth, the answers will be given. Keep breathing. I know how hard and painful this journey will be for you. Take it one moment at a time. One day at a time. You have your husband's babies to take care of and raise. Your husband will be by your side guiding you and cheering you on. A part of him exists in you and his legacy lives on in your babies. Please keep posting and sharing. You are not alone here. The pain might make you feel you are alone, but you are not. Prayers of comfort to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 twinmom, I could easily say "I'm sorry for your loss". However, I know that it doesn't help. It doesn't really make things any better. I lost my best childhood friend to cancer at the age of 22, and I just lost my girlfriend, also age 22, to a brain hemorrhage. When my friend died, and also now, I find myself asking those same questions. Why? Why do good people die? Why do diseases, medical issues and all sorts of other horrible things happen to those people who actually make this world a better place rather than a scary, dark one? Why are there serial killers and deranged psychopaths living into old age in maximum security prisons while loving, happy, driven, and amazing young people die of horrible diseases or medical anomalies? I don't know how spiritual you are, but the truth is we may never find out the answers to those questions unless we ever get a chance to reunite with our loved ones in the Afterlife. Sometimes it's comforting to think maybe, just maybe, our loved ones are still out there, looking down on us, apologizing, wishing us the best, and reminding us that someday we will be together again. Unfortunately even that knowledge does little to comfort us right now. We want them back, here, where they belong. You, your man, nor your children deserved this. We raise our kids to think that things run on punishment and reward; do the right thing and be rewarded, do the wrong thing and be punished. What you learn, though, as you grow up and see more of the world, is that nature is indifferent. Nature doesn't care how good you are. Some people just die young, no matter how kind they are to the world and those in it, and others live on and on, even though they've committed horrible atrocities against the world and its people. The only consolation I can offer you is that you have your children. Your man will live on, through them. They need you now, even more than he did. It's hard, and sometimes we all want to lay down and wish for death, wish to just be taken to the other side so we can be back with them now. But it would seem that's not what we're going to get. So we have no choice, sadly, but to push forward and do the best we can. My girlfriend and I had been together for over 5 years, nearly 6. We had long term plans. She was a beautiful, talented, driven person who wanted to take the world by storm, while still remaining fiercely loyal to her friends, family, and me. She wanted it all and she worked hard to get where she got to. She was nowhere near finished. She could have been so much more, such a wonderful gift to humanity. And she was, even for the time she did have. But she wasn't finished. Death was not even anywhere near her thoughts. Her thoughts were on her future, our future, and how she'd make her mark on the world by making it a better place for everyone. I won't know why she had to be taken from us for a long time, if ever. But I hope that, if she's alive and well in another place, that she's doing just the same there - making it a better place for everyone who has passed on. And I also hope she's watching me and will help give me the strength to move forward without her in this dull, colorless, cold, cruel world that I now must live in alone. Twinmom, please keep posting and talking to us here. All of us are bonded by one horrible similarity. All of us will have to find the strength somehow to work through. But we have a much better chance of working through it together than alone. You will never "get over" him. You will never forget him. You will always have a place in your heart and your soul for him, forever, and you will always, always love him. You may meet someone else, you may not. You may fall in love again, you may not. But no matter what happens, you will never stop loving your man. I wish i could absolutely promise you that within a short time you'll be able to think back on him and smile, but I'm only about 2 weeks into this pain myself, and for me, it still looks endless agony. I wish both of us could see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel, but so far, I still just hurt, I just go through the motions of my day, and wish that I was anyone else right now. Keep in touch and hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted February 9, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2017 On 2/7/2017 at 5:20 PM, twinmom2017 said: I lost my soulmate a month ago after a two year battle with cancer. We found out when our twins were four months old. After remaining positive, providing end of life care and keeping my kids going i find myself slipping these. I survive the days and just barely. Most mornings i weep uncontrollably until i have to get the kids up, and when they go to sleep the weeping returns. The days are long, the nights longer. Some nights I wander the house or find a shirt that still carries his smell to remember him. This is awful, how does anyone survive this? What is the point of all this pain and heartbreak? There are more questions then answers. twinmom2017 I am so very sorry for your loss and I know that you are emotionally broken. I can only imagine your feelings of emptiness just now and how suffocating it must be just to cope. While your life will never be the same, I can assure you that your memories of him will never fade and the place in your heart where he resides will grow stronger as your life continues. I don't know anyone who died of cancer, so I can only envision what you must have gone through. While cancer may have physically taken away his life, it did not touch the love you shared for one another in your mind, heart and soul. Your task now is to bring up those beautiful babies. If you must cry, then by all means, cry. Cry your eyes out, have your own personal tsunami (I certainly have mine). Tears let you know how connected the two of you were and that the love you shared was so real. Try to remember not just that he died, but that he lived. And his life lives on in you and the children, giving you memories too beautiful to ever forget. So keep him with you through your thoughts and actions. You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. You asked how do you survive? By being the strong person that you are, not only for yourself, but for the children; keep your head up and take baby steps at a time. Baby steps leads to more and more baby steps and eventually, you would have taken a giant step. If you feed your faith then your fears will starve to death. Hebrews 11:1 states "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I hope as time goes on, you will continue to find comfort in his spiritual presence as your guardian angel. Matthew 5:4 states,"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted". It's unfortunate you have to be on this website, but know you are not alone. I believe we are exactly where we should be at this time in our lives - giving comfort and support to others who need it. There are some amazing people on this website who are not afraid to share their stories while giving you kindness and encouragement. Know that our hearts are with you and anytime you feel the need to vent, scream, cry or just talk, we're here for you. We'll all on this journey together and we will survive - some, sooner than others, but we will survive. Keep strong and may God give you his love, strength and peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chasisdope Posted February 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 10, 2017 I can't imagine what you're going through. My husband passed away at 22 after battle leukemia for almost two years. We have a little girl who is now three. She's going to be turning 4 in August. Her daddy's birthday is just a week before hers. I have to listen to my daughter weep and plead for her daddy. It's just not fair to the little ones at all. I'm so sorry for your heart ache. It's so cruel. I hate cancer. All I can do is take it day by day and hope that he'll be watching over us and protecting us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 10, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted February 10, 2017 13 hours ago, Chasisdope said: Her daddy's birthday is just a week before hers. I have to listen to my daughter weep and plead for her daddy. It's just not fair to the little ones at all. You're so right, it's not fair, and to their children more than anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members twinmom2017 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted February 10, 2017 Thank you to everyone who took the time to post. Reading so many stories of loss, struggle, pain, and ultimately movement forward helps. Battling with others is better then battling alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Meesh Posted February 10, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 10, 2017 Twinmom, So sorry for your loss, cancer is so cruel, my partner died from an accident dec 2, but my mum died 2yr ago from cancer its an awful disease, its a torcherous cruel journey that we're all on, but on it we are and we're all on it together, it must be so hard for you having to look after your babies but they will keep you focused, look after them and yourself, sometimes i get all full of panic for my future and my deep loss and getting thru a day with hearts as heavy as ours isnt easy but we have to keep going because they would want us to and their love for us will guide us and keep us safe x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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