Members Jenn Posted February 7, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 I dropped my Dad off at the airport in early January. The last time I ever saw him was waving goodbye before he went into the terminal. A few days later, we got the call that he had fallen ill while abroad and passed away. The first few works despite being sad, I would laugh or smile occasionally or appear nonchalant. I realized it was because it still feels like he's alive, just out on vacation still. It still feels like I'm going to go back and pick him up from his return flight on February 12th. Even typing this right now I can't believe he's not coming back. I can't wrap my head around it. I saw a picture of his dead body, I saw him being buried, but it feels like I imagined it or it was all a bad dream. How can he just not exist anymore? Am I really never going to talk to him again? Someone at work mentioned that they needed a ride to the airport and it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I dropped a man off at an airport who I won't ever be able to go pick up again. Some of this belongings got sent back to our house last week. Seeing his tangible possessions suddenly made this feel real, and surreal at the same time. Ever since this shift in my reality, my mood has gotten worse. My mom saw them and held them against her chest and wailed. She said that his things came back, but the person won't. I can't even look at his belongings. They look so empty and irrelevant now, outliving him. When I was going through his paperwork yesterday I found an envelope about an upcoming doctor's appointment of his. He wrote a reminder to himself before the trip. On the envelope in his handwriting it read "DO THIS WHEN I GET BACK." It kills me that he couldn't have known. None of us knew he wouldn't be coming back. I am 24 and I thought I would have my Dad with me for so much longer. I wanted him to be here for my wedding one day. The sadness is only really hitting me now. It's enveloping me from all sides. I do not want to go on. How much time will pass before my brain understands that he won't come walking back through our door again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members reader Posted February 8, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2017 Dear Jenn, My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your beloved father. I'm so sorry for all the pain and sorrow. Its a terrible shock. All your feelings and questions are part of the grief journey we all go through. Its not easy I know. And you are absolutely right it does feel surreal. This new reality is not something any of us can wrap our brains around. I don't know my friend. Its been four months for me and I still think I will see my dad when I wake up. Everyone processes grief so differently. During this very difficult time, I hope you will surround yourself with loving friends and family. And seek out any and all supports you can from the community. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself and your mom. Thinking of you and your family. Sending you lots of hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenn Posted February 17, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 Hello Reader, Thank you for your heartfelt message <3. As much as it makes me sad to hear that four months down the road it is still happening to you as well, it makes sense given the fact that we lost a figure so large in our lives. I am a bit of a perfectionist, so it's been hard to stay self-compassionate despite all the recent mistakes I've been making. I have to go easy on myself considering how wounded I feel. I wish you all the best on this emotional journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fzald Posted February 18, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 18, 2017 Jenn, Sudden death is always extremely hard. I have lost three important people suddenly. My grandmother passed in 2011, I had spoken to her the night before and she passed in her sleep. My father also passed suddenly in 2013, again I had talked to him only a couple days before and he passed in his sleep. Most recently, and the reason I am here, is my girlfriend passed away suddenly while, like your dad, she was in a trip. The last words she spoke to me in person were "see you next weekend!" I hugged and kissed her that day but never knew it would be for the last time. I went to her funeral but I still feel like everything is wrong. It's been 3 weeks since she passed and I still ask why she hasn't called me to explain... I wish there was some magic words I could say to help but there aren't really any. The worst part is all of the "should have been" thoughts. Valentine's Day was hard because we had plans. Every time something happens that I know she should be here for I can't take it. Even things she asked me to help her with "when she got back" that are now never going to happen. Sudden death is extremely hard to comprehend. I hope you're at least doing somewhat ok. Try to take care of yourself and just go a day at a time. I can barely think beyond tomorrow morning without getting sick to my stomach and panicking. When you share a close relationship with someone and it is suddenly taken from you with no warning, it's normal to be in shock and denial and all sorts of other extreme emotions you may not even realize you were capable of feeling... Keep posting, all of us here share the unfortunate commonality that we have all lost someone very close and dear to us, and have to try to cope... Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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