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I'm Watching my Ex Boyfriend Die


eastcoast16

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I am watching my ex boyfriend die. We met in January of 2016, and shortly after we met he had convinced me to move in with him. He was charming, handsome, and humorous. He played the part well-- a total and complete gentleman. Upon moving into his house I had noticed that it was extremely messy, and there was a lot more garbage than I wasn't used to seeing in someone's home. I wrote that off as a result of his divorce which had happened a year and a half prior. He was my best friend. We did everything together, told each other everything (or so I thought), and got along great. Around April he had informed me that he was a recovering addict. I, having just turned 19 and not even knowing that people ACTUALLY did heroin, let alone that I'd be spending my life with someone who battled addiction, did not understand the severity of what was happening around me. He wouldn't answer his phone (which I had bought him) more than I would have liked to let slide, money started going missing, things of value would disappear... At night, he'd lay in bed and "fall asleep" with lit cigarettes searing the sheets. By August there was no denying that he had relapsed, that I was living with a junkie and I just didn't know it yet. In October I left him to go live on the other side of the country with his distant family. I gave him an ultimatum-- either stay there and die, or come here and get a second chance at life. He flew out a month later and told me everything was great, he'd been doing well, and he was ready to start our life together. A week after he got there, a week worth of withdrawals, and he admitted to trying to commit suicide the night before he left. He drove my grandmother to the airport in her own vehicle with copious amounts of illicit substances on his person (that was where I drew the imaginary line). As the truth was unfolding about what had actually been going on right out of my line of sight for the past 10 months, he started to have health complications. He ended up spending the past two months in and out of the hospital for massive kidney stones. He was here with his family who were trying to nurse him back to health, but the state in which he arrived was already half dead. I stuck by his side for as long as I could, until I was sure he was in good hands and I had already done everything I could for him, and then left him and his family to start fresh and pursue an education by myself. Things were going well up until this past weekend whenever his family found his stash of needles. It turns out he's been using this whole time. He still needs several surgeries until his health is stable and he is getting ready to travel back to our home state alone (where he owes many people a lot of money) and if he doesn't take care of himself severe infection and kidney failure is inevitable. So no matter what way I look at it, I can't imagine anything other than his death sentence as he continues down this path. Fortunately I have never mourned the loss of someone for I am relatively young but I am horrified and watching all of these events transpire in front of me as he deteriorates. I know I am no longer with him, so it shouldn't "matter", but no one can help someone who does not want help, and he's made it very clear he does not want help. So we are all forced to sit here and watch as he slowly kills himself. By nature, I am very curious about life, the things around me, and getting to know myself. Death is the only subject I fall quiet on when its brought up. I always have said "I have no idea how I'd react to that, I hope I don't have to any time soon" but here it is. Happening in slow motion right in front of my face. and there is nothing left I can do about it.

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eastcoast16, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Knowing and seeing someone you care about slowly destroying their life has got to be devastating. It has to be painful for his family also. It is sad that he is doing this to himself and everyone who cares for him is helpless in helping him. He made his own choices and no one else is to blame

Pray for him. He still has a chance to recover and get his life on track. I don't know what else to say. Please keep posting, you are among friends here.

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I have been praying constantly! It is just that we all had so much hope for him whenever he came here. This was it, this was him taking the first step in the right direction to recovery. But this past weekend we all found out that it was all a lie too. Not only is he an addict, but he is in bad health. He is hanging on by a literal thread and I had so much hope for him when he came here. We all genuinely thought he was getting better. And now, not only is he not getting any better, he's the worst he's ever been and all that I can think is about him passing on. I know its what he's wanted for a long time. But these thoughts make me feel like I am a bad person or wish him dead. They're invasive and terrifying. I want so badly to believe he is going to be okay but he knows what he is doing right now. He knows how bad his health is. And we know he is not going to make it. He would not have made it this long had he not taken advantage of the plane ticket I bought him. I got him here, to a tremendous support system, a safe place to be, he's been given the time and means to seek medical treatment for things he's been ignoring for years, and he's chosen to throw it all away. He should be leaving the state within the next week, without any of the surgeries he needs, but no one can keep him here against his own will. We're all trying so hard. 

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You have to be in so much pain with this situation. Has he been seeing a therapist? Someone qualified to talk to him about the reality of what he is doing to himself and the hurt he is bringing down on everyone who cares. I hope you have been able to spend time with him and say everything that is in your heart while you still can. What you are dealing with is so emotional and it does not make you a bad person for thinking the worst. You are experiencing anticipatory grief. You are grieving for him because you know he probably isn't going to make it. I am so sorry. Just keep praying for him and take it day by day.

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Eastcoast...I'm so sorry you have so much to deal with at this time. I can tell you are a very caring person or you wouldn't have been trying so hard for someone who doesn't want to be helped. You are doing the best you can do with what you know and no one would ever hold that against you. I know how hard it is to watch a loved one deteriorate but none of this is your fault. He is lucky to have you in his life. In spite of everything I will pray that he makes a recovery somehow. You need to take care of yourself though and do what is best for you. You are a good person and you will be stronger because of this. 

Take care. God bless. 

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16 hours ago, eastcoast16 said:

I know I am no longer with him, so it shouldn't "matter", but no one can help someone who does not want help, and he's made it very clear he does not want help.

Of course it matters, you love him!  But you are so very right, no one can help someone who doesn't want help.  Unless and until...

My daughter was close friends with Jorma...he wasn't a drug addict, his addiction was alcohol.  He'd been in and out of the hospital, his body was shutting down, still he drank.  He died, in his 20s.  He left behind a twin brother and other siblings, a broken hearted mother and friends.  They all got matching tattoos in his honor.  Every 9/11 I think of him, as that was his birthday...I used to work with him.  Years later, our hearts still feel heavy with thoughts of him.  WHY?!  There's never been an answer to why.  It feels so sad, so needless.  How can anyone be in so much pain that they kill themselves the slow death of addiction?!  I don't know.  Some people seem afflicted by their very genes, perhaps something traumatic has affected them, a weakness they carried, I don't know.  My own dad was alcoholic but didn't kill himself with it.  But some seem unable to control their addiction, they need help but seem to fight it when it's presented.

I wish I could tell you something good, something that would make a difference, but I know of nothing.  I only know that you need to continue what you are doing and take care of yourself, focus on your life and not let him drag you down with him, that would serve no purpose.  Pray for him, that's all we can do.  I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

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eastcoast16,

I sorry for you to witness your ex destroy himself.  Addiction is a sickness that is very difficult to overcome.   My family member had an addiction, and while he is doing fine, he is always recovering.   If he fell (relapsed) seven times, he got up eight.  The road to recovery often involves bumps, pitfalls, and setbacks.  Change is possible with the right treatment and support.   

Sometimes you can only find Heaven by slowly backing away from Hell.  I know this is hell for you, and you're tired of the smoke.  I do pray your Ex finds the help he so desperately needs. Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.  I think everyone has a piece of good news within. When he gets himself clean, (and I believe he can) I hope he realizes how great he can be; how much he can love; what he can accomplish and what his potential is!” 

Whatever you decide to do, my prayer is that God bless and keep you strong.  

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